Finally making the move here after discovering I was a flying monkey for H

[Bowsy26]

For all the typical reasons, I have vowed divorce and then stayed on anyway.  I found this website a while back and have been reading when I can.  H is diagnosed NPD (cluster B mixed type) but he is entitled, lies, etc.  Two years ago he retired and I was already medically retired.  24/7 with him has become unbearable. 

Anyway, almost 4 weeks ago, he became ill, and I insisted he sequester himself in our lower level which has a bedroom, full bath, bar area with microwave and fridge plus an entertainment center.  I had a fall headfirst down the steps to our lower level after Christmas and have been recovering ever since.  Out of my brace part of the time now, but have had to take over all the upstairs responsibilities except walking our very large dog which he did come up 4 times a day with his face covered (mine covered also) to do.  You can probably hear my self-pity at this point as I am very much feeling sorry for myself today.  Anyway, last Tuesday, I asked him to call the local phone number for if you are concerned about Covid-19 as he had gone through a course of antibiotics, was on an inhaler and complained of not getting better especially with his lungs (burning and shortness of breath).  Frankly, I was beginning to get worn out from all I was doing and have a ways to go yet myself.  After going in, a test was done to check for Covid-19 but results would take up to 5 days.  He said he had pneumonia, was put on another course of antibiotics and was told that his symptoms were "classic" for Covid-19.  Our healthcare system is really pushing online visits and I had set us up for that JIC.  I went to look to see if his Covid-19 test had come back yesterday.  It had not, but the note said his xray showed his lungs were clear (there was no pneumonia).  Since he is an incomparable liar, I then purposely looked up the note from his visit.  No pneumonia, no antibiotics (though they were waiting on a Covid-19 test).  There were also several lies he told the doctor including a claim of having had pneumonia 7 times (not).   That he lies shouldn't surprise me, but it upsets me to be made an accomplice to his lies.  I contacted several friends to ask for prayers or positive thoughts for H to get well from his pneumonia and including some details when asked (details I now know were not true).  I consider myself an honest person overall and to tell such blatant and sympathy seeking lies as a flying monkey burns me up.  And distresses me. 

I finally confronted H this evening when he called me to dish up some pie I had made for him.  I told him sure, but would he please bring up the bottle of his antibiotics when he came up for the pie.  The back paddling was sad, first claiming he didn't have the bottle anymore since it was gone and he put it in the recyclable bin.  Ummm, earlier today he wanted to move back upstairs tomorrow if he was well enough though he had "5 more days" of antibiotic to take.   When I reminded him of that, he went silent and then ran up to quick grab the pie not saying a word.  Then he stopped halfway down the stairs and started repeating that he had a Covid-19 test but it came back negative (he had told me earlier today they called with the result).  What did that have to do with anything??  That was the true part, not the lie.  This is what I believe is his trying to pull me into a circular conversation where he keeps repeating certain things in a sequence over and over until I often end up screaming at him in frustration.  I used to think I had the personality disorder and actually went to someone for evaluation, and I did this twice.  I'm the one who goes crazy and yells and screams ultimately.  Gray rock and MC have been very helpful concepts, and I am using it this evening because I want to get an explanation for this behavior from him.  But I know now there will never be any explanation he can give me which I could believe.  Any explanation would be about gathering sympathy and to help himself.  He's very into image management and has to look sympathetic or be a victim.    

Thanks for listening to anyone who reads this.  Quite frankly, I am feeling very alone tonight.  I'm too ashamed of my actions to reach out to those I lied to.  It wasn't that I knew he was lying, but reading this over, it seems absolutely clear that I should have suspected from the beginning that he was lying. 

[Jsinjin]

Hello:

Your actions inspire me and I think you need to be out.   What you describe is a person who needs to be by themselves and not in control of a caring individual and you sound like one.    I've learned that when I lose it "she" wins so I am careful to let the upset nature be on her side of the fence.    Stay strong for yourself, take care of yourself and ensure that your partner treats you with respect and dignity or they're not your partner.

[Bowsy26]

Hello:

Your actions inspire me and I think you need to be out.   .

Thanks Jsinjin.  You are right, I do need to be out.  My fall down the stairs was eyeopening to say the least.  It could have been fatal, and I came to just as my spine was compressing.  I was able to move my neck just a bit which moved the pressure from my neck to my midback where the vertebra fractured moments later.  The neurosurgeon said it would have been my neck instead and things would have been very different.  I am facing further recovery and possible surgery.  Anyway, it woke me to the fact that we are all mortal and this life ends.  I do not want to end it trying to figure out this broken man I have lived with for over 40 years since there is no figuring out these people.  They are a mystery unto themselves.  Before the coronavirus hit, I had set up to move in July on a weekend my dxnpdh was going to spend 3 days out of town so I would be gone when he returned.  I've put in for an apartment in a senior living building but will have to wait to see how things come out.  With the money the government is sending to each taxpayer, I will have enough cash for the security deposit and first month's rent.    His going away for a weekend is surprising to begin with so the chances of him repeating it are virtually nil, but until I have to go, I wont' be telling him.  And I won't be telling him without witnesses.  He has been violent in the past.

Your statement that he needs to be by himself was interesting as he will often state all he wants is to live by himself with his dog.     Someone on here (not sure who) has something in their tags about believing who a person shows themselves to be.  Over the years, H has isolated himself more and more.  This can't be all there is to life, no matter what a persons age.  I'm ready to let him be alone. 

[clara]

You don't have to apologize for your behavior, which was conducted in good faith.  Your choosing to believe your husband, or at least some of what he said, was just being a decent human being.  What if he's telling the truth this time? (sometimes they do!)  He's the one who initiated the lie,  never forget that.  He's manipulating your behavior, but sometimes having to be constantly on the alert for whether or not they're doing this can be exhausting and discouraging, so it's easy to fall prey to the manipulation.  And they know this.  Sometimes it seems they keep trotting out the lies just to see which one you fall for.  Sometimes it seems they have a never ending supply of them! (and in my experience, health issues are number one on their playlist).

And I don't know if I'd believe any NPD who says they would like to be alone.  They depend on supply, and can only get it through human interaction.  I suspect they say this (and I've heard it before from NPDs) in order to tell you that they don't want you to depend on them, that they're not going to be there for you because they'd really rather be alone.  They're just allowing you into their life but really, they'd be happier alone.  Yeah, right.  I've seen firsthand how, when you actually allow them to be alone, they panic and start looking for ways to keep you around, or to find someone who can fill your slot.  Just another manipulation. 

[Free2Bme]

Bowsy,

I don't hear self-pity in your post.  I hear a rational awareness of the situation you are living in. 

It sounds to me like your H had to 'one-up' your legitimate illness/recovery with something of his own.  My xH would do this; if I had a headache, he had a migraine, well...you know.  They are shameless when it comes to lying about health issues for supply.

Interesting that you were the one requesting prayers/support for H, when you are recovering from something so serious and traumatic.  My xH would request payers from the pulpit for his co-workers at our church, but none for me when I had major surgery.  Didn't want me to have support.

I wouldn't expend an ounce of time/energy attempting to pin him and get an 'explanation' for his behavior, utter futility IME, conserve your energy for your recovery.

You are not an accomplice.  His shame is not your shame. If/when people ask for an update, I would say "well, it turns out he didn't have pneumonia after all, he just claimed to.  He is well, thank you for your concern."

It is exhausting to deal with PD's, even GR and MC are a drain because there is never resolve to any issue, but they are a necessary evil.  No true peace though, just peace faking.

I have a PhD in grey rock