Very bad breakup that completely floored me and brought me to my knees

[the_nautilus]

I met a girl last year. We quickly fell in love. She called me her soulmate, teammate, best friend, and so forth. I felt the same way towards her. She seemed to understand me intuitively. She did above and beyond small things that made me stop and think, wow, this is an amazing partner. I acted the same way towards her. Within a few months, she was basically living with me. She didn't officially move in, but out of 30 days of a month, she was spending 25+ days with me. I paid for most things - groceries, dinners out, events because she was in between jobs at the time. If she had events with her family, I'd drop everything and be there. I encouraged her to communicate her feelings more. If she had to go somewhere for work without a car, I dropped what I was doing to take her or pick her up.

I wanted to know about her day, every day. I let my guard down entirely, and trusted her. We spoke about marriage. I was planning to propose this summer. These things were mutual.

The last few months, she has been coming and telling me how her best friend - who I have only met a few times many months ago - has all these very negative things to say about me. Very labeling, black and white things. My ex has other friends, and they did not share these opinions, and I also saw them more regularly. Same regarding her family, who I saw consistently.

I have been encouraging my ex for us to spend time with her best friend, and was confused why the best friend was always unavailable. My ex knew all my friends, and I connected her to everyone in my life. I was unsure why this one particular person refused. It seemed off, as I don't really know them.

This best friend then began giving my ex ultimatums. Essentially, putting her in a position to pick me or her. My ex would come over crying. I told her this behavior of her best friend is toxic. According to my ex, this best friend was also gaslighting her by making her question the relationship and also make her doubt her own decision making abilities. Telling her things like "you aren't reliable and able to decide who to date. Why is this even a fulfilling relationship? You shouldn't be with this person". Again, this sounded like gaslighting to me.

My ex also conveyed that her best friend has anger issues, and is controlling to her boyfriend. My ex's best friend was also fired from her job (she's a nurse) for violating patient confidentiality. According to my ex, this best friend has also been, in the past, violent with her bf. Again, I really don't know this person very well, just the information I'm being told. These all sound like big red flags to me.

I made the mistake of suggesting my ex's best friend "could be a covert narcissist", but also conveyed it is my opinion. I also conveyed only a therapist treating someone can really diagnose that.

I also consistently conveyed that I support whatever decision my ex makes, and I will support her no matter what, and that she shouldn't just end the friendship (this was her own feelings and ideas she was contemplating and conveyed to me), but instead assert healthy boundaries. I told my ex that no one should speak to her that way, and that she should use "I statements" and let this best friend know how she's feeling, and that they need to communicate and come to a resolution where both are treating one another with respect. She did try this, and the best friend pushed back a great deal but after a week or two, budged and texted apologizing. I thought this was a good sign.

A few days go by, and this best friend keeps coming up. We keep getting into more arguments about her. Then, a few days pass, on my birthday my ex dumps me. I don't really get a straight explanation. I try to talk to her. I received a lot of conflicting, up and down feelings. One minute she wants to work on things, the next, it's hopeless. We spoke in person two days later. She suggests couples counseling. I really liked this idea. I went and paid for a month and initiated. She refuses to do it. I am a actions now words person. I heard what she needed, and tried to proactively initiate these things.

When we did speak in person, my ex's phone was blowing up - not in a normal way that it does. I don't know if the best friend is rubbing her down mentally to make her see me a certain way. I definitely should not have suggested my opinion about her best friend, and I regret that. I also know you can't really do much if someone is a narcissist. This is just really sad. When this best friend wasn't in the picture, our relationship was really good, and healthy.

My ex and I tried to talk over the phone a few more times. The last thing she told me, over the phone, is that I'm the narcissist. I have not spoken to her since.

I have been an absolute wreck. I can't even tell anymore, if the best friend was just meant as a speaking piece my ex uses to convey her own feelings, or if my ex really could discard "her future husband/love of her life/best friend/team mate" this way, with no explanation.

I can't tell anything right now, really. I see a therapist long term (7 years) for general anxiety. I've spent the last 3 sessions begging her to diagnose me as a narcissist so I can at least figure out what is going on. She assures me I am not. I would gladly bring my ex to therapy if she needs this confirmation, but I won't communicate with her unless she decides to, since we decided to part ways. Anything I do, will "validate" that I'm a narcissist, based on google suggestions.

I don't really know what to do anymore. I am trying to find clarity on what happened. I wanted to work on my 50% of the relationships so that my ex and I could both have a healthy relationship. It's clear she doesn't want to, so I let her go. What I don't understand is if she was playing me the whole time, and has now discarded me due to some reasons undisclosed, or if her friend is really manipulating her or causing all this. What I do know for sure, is someone here is toxic.

I really am deeply in love with my ex, and I want her to be happy and healthy. I believe in actions, not words, and so I tried to be proactive and take all the steps of things my ex conveyed she wanted and needed. It seems that as soon as I did that, she was done. That is also a big frustration piece. I keep blaming myself and asking "what ifs". I don't want to lose someone who I believe is my soulmate. I've had many other long-term relationships, and none have ended this way. I know what I want and what I don't want in a partner. This person really was it for me.

Please advise. I am trying to piece my life back together. I do not feel like I can ever trust or let my guard down again because I let myself get in this position.

[notrightinthehead]

What a confusing situation! This woman probably was not your soulmate, if she had been, she would not have dropped you like that.
Maybe you went in too quickly, too deep far to early in the relationship, without knowing her that well.
One point sticks out, you mention that you are a do person. That sometimes can feel a bit overpowering or patronizing to some people. It also might lead to people using you. Sometimes it can be good to just sit back and wait if the other person acts on their expressed intentions. Or what they do if left to their own devices. We don't need to have an answer to other's problems, nor do we have a solution to all of our problems.
Are you still seeing the therapist? Does therapy help you clear your mind and get your self confidence back?
Its very normal and understandable that for now, you don't want to jump into another relationship. It is good that you are taking your time to process what happened and to heal from the pain this relationship has inflicted on you. Be kind to yourself. Use this rejection as a learning opportunity. Hopefully you will know yourself better now and also have a clearer idea what you expect from a relationship.
Welcome to this forum!

[the_nautilus]

@ notrightinthehead

Thank you for your response.

I hear you on the to do person thing. We were both a bit of ying and yang. She is more passive, and I'm more actiony. Our values overlapped, and our treatment of one another overlapped, but of course people have differences and many times those are attractive. And I think we both relied on each other for different things.

The irony is she is using the relationship counselor therapy that I got for both of us, because I keep getting emails about communication. I checked once and it's not related to her wanting to work on anything, so I just stopped checking. I just feel really used, and dumped, and confused.

I do actively see a therapist, and have continued to do so. I'm still having a lot of trouble clearing my head because I'm going through old messages we sent one another, love notes, etc, and replaying everything in my mind.

I'm just sad, and I want to understand if she was the toxic one, or if it was her friend, or if it was me.

[notrightinthehead]

Have you checked out the list of traits ?  https://outofthefog.website/traits/  You could check how many of the traits you find in yourself and in your partner. Maybe that would give you some clarity.

I would not bother much with the friend, as you barely know her.  She would not be part of your life if not your girlfriend had chosen her over you.

[the_nautilus]

Have you checked out the list of traits ?   You could check how many of the traits you find in yourself and in your partner. Maybe that would give you some clarity.

I would not bother much with the friend, as you barely know her.  She would not be part of your life if not your girlfriend had chosen her over you.

I went through them. There's definitely some avoidance on her part, but a lot of people sometimes struggle with their feelings and avoid problems.

The baiting, there were a few times that at like, key events or milestones, it seemed that she got upset or picked a fight out of the blue. I'm not sure if it was her bottling her feelings and them coming to a head, or if it was actually baiting.

There were some chronic broken promises, but I thought it was because she wasn't able to muster the courage to do some of the things she expressed she wished to. That also can be normal for many people.

She is a very passive person in general, and I would spend a lot of time pushing her to share her feelings, tell me what she wants, what she's interested in doing, etc. It worked some of the times.

Co-dependency and engulfment, definitely. I didn't really see my friends much. At first, we did see them, but then she pointed out reasons they were unhealthy for me. I did not disagree, and believed them to be reasonable. But when I'd even want to see them for a few hours, she'd say things like "that makes me feel like you don't want to spend time with me". That wasn't the case at all.

She is passive-aggressive, and has admitted that. And I did feel like she triangulated this best friend, who I don't think I should have even known about or been put in the situation where there were these ultimatums.

I really don't know. It seemed to me that we both deeply loved one another. Overall, we were very supportive of one another, especially the little things. It has just been these last two months, I've felt her change. I don't know if she was de-valuing me slowly and getting ready to leave, or if it was that she had built up resentment and didn't know how to communicate her feelings appropriately. She has expressed this happened in other relationships.

I really wish we could have broken up in a mature, adult way, where both parties can express their feelings, hear one another, apologize to one another, and part amicably. This all seemed very black and white. But I also don't know if it's because her friend, or whoever, is convincing her I'm a covert narcissist and she thinks this is how she should handle things.

I really give up. This women has so many fantastic qualities. She's smart, kind, loving, beautiful. She's extremely fun to talk to. We share similar values. Even doing mundane things together, we would make interesting and laugh or find ways to enjoy the time. I really wish she had agreed to the relationship counseling together. And if she really thought I was a narcissist, I would be more than happy to take her to a therapy session with me to a therapist I have consistently seen for 7 years. The reasons I was seeing the therapist were for grief, anxiety, and some depression due to COVID pandemic, isolation, etc. I don't know. I'm just really sad. I keep checking my phone thinking maybe she'll call or text, but I doubt she will. I hope she finds happiness. I'll do the whole unsent letter thing and post it, maybe that will help.

Thanks again for everything.

[didntsignupforthis]

Hi the_nautilus, I'm sorry for what you are going through. One thing that sticks out to me is that she has only known you for about a year, but she's likely known her best friend far longer. So the dynamics of their relationship had likely been well established long before you came along, and that could be why "She has expressed this happened in other relationships."

Even though you hadn't had many opportunities to interact with the best friend (and thus see how they interact with each other), it sounds like you did get to know her other friends and her family much better. Those people also would have known your ex far longer than you, and so they would have been more familiar with her relationship with her best friend and with past boyfriends. In hindsight, maybe there had been some clues in your encounters with them? Maybe in how they talked about the best friend, or how they seemed to process your ex's latest relationship (i.e. with you)?

In any case, pondering all that would only be helpful while you're trying to process what happened, so you can eventually move forward. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by not contacting her further.