Why didn’t I disengage?

[LizM]

I've read so many inspiring posts on here and yet it makes me feel like more as a failure for not disengaging with my mother. She hated me and emotionally abused me from birth until seven years before her death when she refused to speak to me or my two sons ever again. After those seven years she died, expected death by others, but as she had refused anyone to tell me needless to say it was a traumatic shock to me. Before her death I had a fantasy in my head where she would contact me on her deathbed saying that she was proud of me or something. I know, I was extremely foolish. I guess my issue is that the 10th anniversary of her death is coming up and yet again I'm feeling the anxiety building up that I was too timid to stand up to her. I know no one can solve this for me but thank you all providing a safe place for me to vent.

[moglow]

Standing up to the parent who abused, demeaned, resented, ignored [fill in the blank] who didn't provide encouragement, compassion, kindness - it's HARD if not flat out impossible. We were trained to take it and keep on taking it, that we had no right to speak up because they are The Parent. Mine would tell you outright, she didn't owe explanations or apologies because apparently I'm a lesser being. To her "credit" she didn't limit it to me, she just seemed to hold back somewhat with my brothers. Her grandchildren? She hasn't seen or spoken with them either in years. No reason, no argument - she's just not that interested. Mine is another who can and will absolutely write you off without another word. We're down to "obligatory" holiday and birthday greetings and even those are sketchy. There's no warmth or pull for more and I don't miss the pretense I held up for so long.


Liz, none of that is your stuff. You're not responsible for her and whatever drove her so hard. Beating yourself up for failing to stand up to her? That's just wasting good air and energy you can make better use of elsewhere. I suspect you have a lot of compassion and kindness inside that you show everyone but yourself. Maybe it's time to spread that around more - and include yourself in it.

[NarcKiddo]

 

Also, what would have happened if you had stood up to her? If I stood up to mine she would not take it lying down. I expect you did what you felt you needed to do in order to survive. Certainly as a child that would have been the case and once we have learned such behaviours they are very difficult to shed, even if we know they are no longer helping us. And first we have to get to that place of knowledge, which is hard enough in itself. It took me nearly 50 years to start realising anything! Let alone purposefully doing much about it.

[LizM]

Wow, what beautiful words from you both. Thank you both very much x