Well, it's Been a Mind Warp of a Year

[WhereImAt]

It's been a crazy few years for me. It all culminated after my friends suicide. Hadn't talked to him much recently, as we had fallen out of touch, but at the same time, I had known him for like 26 years or something, and we spent a lot of time gaming and chatting together. Over the past, lets say 8-10 years, I've worked hard on myself, by learning wisdom from all sorts of sources, codependency books, and various other sources, journaling, doing some meditation, concentration techniques, and all sorts of things. So, this is what has allowed me to cope in so many difficult situations, despite my lack of support network, it's made me stronger and able to depend on myself a lot. Anyways, I found out that my Dad, my long time friend (who lived with my friend who killed himself), my sister, my neighbor, and my friends mother (of the friend who killed himself), and another girl in my life, all had some version of NPD. I have experience with these things, because I was with my BPDexGF for 10 years.

My Dad was the hardest to spot, as he has Covert Narcissism. I suppose it's great that I learned this and have learned how to assert myself rapidly, and recognize the manipulations. But it's quite devastating to me too, because the people who I thought cared about me, seemed to only care about me in some really selfish, abusive, conditional, and one sided way, and it breaks my heart. My kindness and compassion were taken advantage of, and my vulnerabilities exploited. I feel sad about it all. I suppose it's been so normalized in my life, that I don't know how a healthy relationship would look, even though I feel like I can be healthy for other people most of the time, it's just now, I am not, because I feel very traumatized.

It's hard to trust, and open up to people, or even myself, as my living situation requires me to live with my Dad in the short term, and my neighbor too. Both of which I have baggage with. I did an awesome job calling them out, and asserting myself, and setting boundaries and expectations, but it's just so exhausting to fight always, just for the right to some peace. I am learning to deal with them better though, by engaging less. Generally, it's hard to feel safe, but I am doing what I can to make it happen. Just reaching out, hoping for more connection to people,

[bloomie]

WhereImAt - hi there and welcome to Out of the FOG. I am glad you have made your way to this warm and supportive community.

It IS great that you have learned to recognize the manipulations and behaviors in loved ones, neighbors, and friends and have developed ways to cope and tools to deal with issues as they come, but you are right... it can leave us hesitant to trust and allow good people in close.

My heart goes out to you with the loss of a long time friend to suicide. Such a devastating loss. I can see how experiencing such tragedy could act as a catalyst to do the kind of deep work and learning it seems you have done. It is good to hear how the determination to grow has brought you to a more empowered and confident place when faced with those who would attempt to exploit you.

I feel sad about it all. I suppose it's been so normalized in my life, that I don't know how a healthy relationship would look, even though I feel like I can be healthy for other people most of the time, it's just now, I am not, because I feel very traumatized.

Healing comes in layers for me, anyway. After coming Out of the FOG I began a process that required I be patient with myself. It makes perfect sense that this awakening in your life would be on a continuum with new challenges like described here along the way. I would suggest gently, that the most important person for you to be healthy for is you. And sorting through trauma takes time.

That said, take your time looking through the resources at the drop down menus above, other online resources and book recommends you will find on the boards, and most importantly, when you are ready, join the conversations taking place here. I look forward to supporting you!

[WhereImAt]

Hey Bloomie,

Thanks for your thoughtful response. Yeah, I guess it's true, that it is an awakening of sorts. I really hate that! I hate that all this change is forced on me, it's either that or get abused more. I see the good in it, but I'm kind of pissed about it all. I do need to remember to be good to myself, I am trying, but like a lot of us, it's hard to do that, when you struggle with codependency. I read my daily reader today, and it said something along the lines of:

"Our strength is caring a lot, our weakness is underestimating others, and how they have their own agendas, and will act in their own best interest, don't buy into their games, when they manipulate you". Honestly, I am realizing other peoples agendas and they kind piss me off sometimes, haha! I absolutely love this daily reader, It's The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie, probably my favorite book of all time.

Thanks for the suggestions, I'll look around when I feel up to it.