Empathy vs. Winning the "Abuse Competition"

[Dinah-sore]

My BPDm was abused as a kid. You know how they say that abuse is pretty common for people with BPD? Well, her abuse was severe. This is one reason why I never knew I was abused. I constantly heard from her how lucky I was to have her as a mom because I could have been like her and grown up with abusive parents.

But from what I have read, kids who were abused either grow up to be codependent, or they grow up to be like their abusers (narcissistic/abusive/etc.), or they get help and learn to be healthy.

I think my mom grew up and took on many if not all characteristics of her abusive parents. The worst part is, when she is behaving in an abusive way she smirks, like she is enjoying my suffering. She is sadistic about it. She laughs when she upset me. It entertains her to see me squirm. She is never sorry. She is always right. When she rages, it is always because we deserve it for upsetting her.

The thing is, she will tell me (all the time) that she is an empath. Not only does she say she has empathy for people who suffer, but that her empathy controls her life and choices and experiences.

This is the strange thing though. I don't see any empathy. She seems rather to hate everyone.

In fact, there is this woman in her social circle in church who had an abusive childhood. Instead of having compassion for this other survivor of abuse my mom is irate that this woman claims to have been abused. She hates this woman for saying that she was abused. My mom goes on and on behind her back, "She doesn't know abuse. I KNOW ABUSE." And goes on listing all the bad things that happened to her. It feels narcissistic, like she needs recognition for being the MOST abused person. She is mad that other people feel empathy towards this other woman who is processing her past and trying to use it to help others. It is like my mom is jealous of the attention that the other woman is getting.

So my question is, am I wrong to think that my mom is not empathetic?

One thing I notice is that I believe that I was abused by BPDm, and I have NO PROBLEM caring about other people who were also abused. I do not feel a need to compare abuse and say mine was worse and they shouldn't get sympathy or attention, only I should. If anything I feel like I know other people were abused and my abuse was not as bad as some other people, but that we all need to process it and heal from it and come Out of the FOG. That we can be there for each other.

Is the way my mom is acting about this woman seem narcissistic, or empathetic?

Why does my mom need to "win" the abuse competition?

[WomanInterrupted]

I've heard it described as the Abuse Olympics, or the ten miles, uphill, both ways competition - but it's still the same thing.   

One thing we learn here is nobody's abuse story lessens or diminishes anybody else's story.  Abuse, in any form, is abuse - and we're here to try to heal ourselves, and perhaps help others in their own recovery.

On this forum, I've never seen anybody say, "Nobody has ever had it as bad as me!"

But I have seen, "You mean I'm not the only one!?"  "I'm not crazy!?"  "Oh wow - I keep reading my own story, and I didn't write it!"  "Your story resonates with me..." and "Sis?!"   

I've seen people say how alone and powerless they feel, and how ashamed they are that it's gone on so long, but nobody, to the best of my recollection, has ever said, "Nobody has ever had it as bad as me!"

Your mom, like unBPD Didi, probably claims a lot of things that aren't true - like being able to read people, being able to read a room, *being able to read minds - especially MY mind*, and of course, she's an empath. 

These are lies - being unBPD means *she only thinks about herself and what she can GET out of any situation, and she must WIN at all costs.*

I'm an empath - and chances are you are, too, having been raised in an environment where you *better* know what's going to happen, before it happens, so you can prevent it.  You can read a room - or a look - because your life may have depended on it, when you were small.

I'm the person who can walk into a room and know instantly that something is wrong, before anybody has said a word, and which person is causing tension, anxiety, or sorrow - and sometimes I can figure out exactly what happened, without being told a thing. 

It comes in really handy with pets, who can communicate in a nonverbal way - I communicate easily with our cats, who know I will at least *try* to understand what they're telling me - and usually they can, with just one look, or their body language.   

That's what being raised with an abusive parent can do to a child - and may have done, with your mom, when she was small, but something inside her broke (or was always broken - I'm not quite clear on that point.  I think Didi may have been born broken, from what I've been told by her and her parents), and she's no longer able to empathize with anybody or anything - proof:  the way she constantly tortures you and your children, emotionally, mentally and psychologically, and SMIRKS about it,  *just like Didi used to do to me, when she got a direct hit!*   

Empaths *don't do that.*  That's the antithesis of an empath!   

Which brings me to the Abuse Olympics - nobody ever had it as bad as her, so nobody ever has anything to complain about, so there, neener neener, nanny nanny boo boo!   

Like Didi, she is the *only* one allowed to have feelings.  The rest of us just have to suck it up and deal. 

That's NOT an empath - that's a perpetual victim, manipulating the situation to her advantage.

And yes, there is some level of jealousy that somebody else is getting attention, for speaking out about past abuse.  To your mom, that's *unacceptable* because *all eyes must be on her, the biggest victim EVER* - and if you ever forget, she'll happily remind you of all she endured, to put you in your place and make you feel small, so you think, "I guess I wasn't abused, because that didn't happen to me."   

But - abuse is abuse.  You know that.  You empathize with others who have been abused and try to help those who are suffering.  Your mom would *never* do that - she'd just insist she had it worse, so quit your bellyaching.

Your mom claims her empathy controls her life, choices and experiences - I say that's utter rubbish.

You know what controls all of it?  Her unBPD, which is probably anxiety-driven, with some OCD.

The B in unBPD is *borderline psychotic.*

That's what really controls her life - not empathy.  Not even *close* empathy.

How is this, in any way, an empath:

Your mom, like Didi, likes to make people suffer and cry.  She takes delight when something bad happens to other people, and claims they deserve it, or it's "God's will."  She hates everybody and is convinced they hate her, so she's out to get them before they get her.  She imagines the worst in anybody - never the best, and if something good happens because you worked hard for it, she acts miffed, or like it was a mistake, or ignores it completely, to get the subject back on to her and her needs, and if those needs aren't met, she'll often threaten to kill herself.

That's only a short list!  I could go on for about four pages with other observations, but you get the point - that's NOT an empath.  That is a person who is *borderline psychotic.*

That's why she has to "win" at the Abuse Competition.  To her, there IS no other way - but you, me, and every other person on this forum, knows differently.   

The term that comes to mind with Didi and your mom isn't empathic - it's *sadistic.*   

Yes, Didi could cry buckets over commercials of starving children in far-away lands because they were *abstracts* and she didn't actually have to DO anything except cry.  The thought of sending money never occurred to her - the only thing needed were tears over an abstract concept of people suffering.   

However, when a cat of ours died suddenly, at a young age, and I was beside myself with grief, my "empath" mother SMIRKED at me!   

My blood ran cold.  I couldn't believe I just saw that - just like all the other times in my life I couldn't believe I'd seen that fleeting smirk - and I got out of there, ASAP.  I think I told her I forgot I had to pick up a script at the pharmacy - but that was the day I left, thinking, "I'm NOT crazy - there's something really wrong with her."   

It would still take me 6 more years to figure out what the "something" was - and everything started making sense.

Your mother only cares about herself and lives to torture others, shame them, belittle them, or make them feel small or inferior.  It's the only thing she knows and the only thing she cares about - as long as she comes out on top ("wins"), everything is fine for a while, until it's not.

But you, the REAL empath, know there's more to life than that!   

Your mother's way of thinking - like Didi's - is very small and insular; paranoid she'll be forgotten or *abandoned* when she thinks she's the center of everything, holding it all together - and nothing could be further from the truth.

She needs to "win" at everything - including YOU. 

But like Didi, she won't and she can't - which is why she's making crazy statements (your other post on Religion) - she's getting *desperate* - and throwing everything at the wall, to see what sticks, and calling it being "empathic" and living her life ruled by her "empathy."   

It's just more smoke, mirrors and lies  - your mother has no real sense of self; only what she can exploit from others - especially *you.*

[Yael924]

Former (recovering ??) abuse Olympian here TW: abuse

I think for me the cataloging helped. It could be worse, right? I remember as a child telling my self it could be worse. I'd never been shot, set on fire or strangled (since modified to strangulation by ligature ) But the list was a comfort to me. I look back at that and realize how horrific my situation was.

I really didn't even see the verbal hatefulness as mattering. It's taken a lot of effort to let go of my ratings system for other people -- it's a revolting habit.

But I put in even more effort to be loving  kind and consistent to my children. We can break the cycle.

You mom choose to invoke the abuse excuse. Worse was done to me so what I do to you doesn't matter. My mom invoked it too. It's just baloney.

[broken]

I think your PDm needs to win the abuse competition....  because she can.  (Does that make sense  )

Not because her abuse was actually worse, but because it is an experience she happened to have, and any experience a N has makes them #1 in that field.  Add in the fact that she sees this other woman getting attention for suffering abuse, and PDs tend to feel entitled to ALL of the attention.

I never realized my PDm was abusive because I thought narcissism was a self-love of appearance, and she truly is not an attractive person physically, but bookish and matronly. So all I heard from her while growing up was how brilliant she is.  She became obsessed with a couple other people over their accomplishments, first her sister and then a coworker.  Like your M, she was certain they did not deserve the attention they were receiving as she was "so much smarter."

I remember the day it occurred to me that she wasn't very smart at all, even in the subjects she claims to be expert in.  I also realized that when I am not in the room it is likely me she is attacking, as she is obsessively competitive with me also.  She raised me to believe that I am also a 'plain Jane' but I was only allowed to feel or act intelligent when it was a reflection on her, such as when her book club friends were at the house.  I was 40 years old before I could step back and see that I'm more like my father, both my appearance and my curiosity at learning.

For your PDm to say that you are lucky to have her, and that The abuse she grew up with was much, much worse, is clearly a competitive thing that you are to believe simply because she says it is so.  Or maybe there is one aspect of the abuse she received that she doesn't dish out to you, that in her mind is 'proof' that she is a wonderful parent despite being abusive in every other way. 

I'm also going to guess that she never sat around truly pondering what empathy really is, but maybe heard of the concept and thought, yes that's me! I'm perfect at that too!  PDs who claim to be empaths just might be the most frustrating of all.  I don't even think they are capable of it!