Who is it okay to talk to about abuse?

[sundance]

Hello,

This is my first post here. I am struggling with a relationship that seems to be at an end, with someone who displays both NPD and BPD symptoms. It is hard for me to tell the extent of how they are manipulative or to decipher their world view: Do they view people as tools / property / worth what they can offer? Do they simply suffer from a massive ego and an inability to accept any perceived rejection? I don't know.

But the point is the PD gets vitriolic at the first sign a perceived allegiance is threatened. If they aren't getting what they want they tantrum, both emotionally and physically. I have been assaulted twice now. I am bigger than this person, but even then, the first time they knocked me out. This most recent time involved a multi-day outburst of destruction and manipulation, and the police (who I called finally).

I don't know what to do. I filed a restraining order the night of the most recent assault. There was property damage involved. What troubles me is the power this person seems to have over other people. I find myself concerned about whether I can trust anything they say at all. And in that sense, I am struggling with my commitment to breaking all contact. I want some clarity and resolution. I also feel trapped by social concerns: Who can I talk to about this?

The PD has a record of protective orders filed against them, spanning over half a decade. I believe because she is a woman (i'm sorry if I'm offending anyone here) that her previous partners (men) did not file charges for the assaults that ended the relationship because of social norms, toxic masculinity, and the nature of being in relationship (the feeling that one doesn't wish to hurt their partner even by simply holding them accountable to the law). I don't know the full history of violence here. I used to believe what she said. But having talked to an ex and looked at the records, now I wonder whether it is far more expansive than the paper trail signifies. She lied to me about hitting her previous boyfriend. There were months of harassment that followed. And it doesn't seem most of our community knows about any of this. And so I am left wondering... at what point is it time to talk about this?

I a struggling with my own guilt, somehow, for the situation. That if only I had said xyz or had left the situation earlier we could have talked about this. By I am also consumed by the belief that this person far more aware of their actions than they let on.

She sent me gifts and a letter I haven't opened yet. She had showed up at my house in a disguise of sorts. I'm not sure she notified her roommates. She did not try to reach out to me through anyone to tell me she was dropping off my stuff. Or that it would contain gifts.
She reached out to me through her friends to apologize, though she seems more embarrassed by the situation than anything.
She asked me to wait to do anything until she got help.
All of this after the most recent assault and after she had been served the restraining order.

But this is the second time I've been assaulted. One of a handful of times my stuff has been destroyed or in danger of being destroyed. One of many times where the person has thrown things and spat at me and explained to me in detail why I am a horrible human being, in some cases, deserving of death. This is at least the fourth restraining order filed against the PD within the last 4 years. I don't know about anything before that. I am apparently at least the third person she has assaulted, in a relationship, and I know of others she has gotten into fights with outside of them.

I am struggling with how to proceed. Do i press charges for the first assault as well? Do I try to reach out and help this person? Do I believe that they want to change? Or is this all damage control on their part? Does PD believe that the rules we abide by in society are merely obstacles....obstacles weaker people like me and most of the population are duped into following? Does PD believe that truth exists only so far as people can see it? If that's the case, does that mean that PD believes honesty is for the weak? Does that mean I can't believe her? That she will continue to move somewhat sociopathically? Or is it all in my head?

And most importantly, who can I talk to about this? It seems this PD has many people convinced she is not dangerous. But also, I am dealing with feelings of resentment. She seems to move on mostly like nothing happened. Except now, that the cops are involved and charges are pressed, and somehow I am left feeling like I did this to her, though rationally I know I did not. It seems to be the message she is telegraphing: "she is responsible for hurting me, sort of, but also I'm making her life worse, and also I probably deserved some of it." -seems to be the message.

Her roommates have blocked me on social media. I was accused of destroying her property when I came to get my things (I did not... but it was a source of worry for me... did she frame me? was there a misunderstanding? If she did frame me... what does that mean about who she is and what she might do?)

I just have so many questions. At what point is explaining to mutual friends what the situation is unreasonable? At what point is it slander? I want to be able to confide in my friends and to tell them what happened. I want to be able to confide in people who are mutual friends what was going on behind the scenes while we were dating... why my behavior may have been off... why I didn't communicate with them as much.... why I was late to events and such (fights... jealousy from PD). I've already seen how being a man in an abusive case like this, at least where I live, is sort of met with skepticism: "Well what did you do to her?" And as a result, and as a result of what she tells me, I am finding myself racking my brain to find my portion of guilt and take responsibility for it, as if that will show her how to do so, herself. But it has never really happened. A gift basket and a note aren't really taking responsibility. Is it unreasonable for me to expect this person to actually go to court and get convicted for the assault they actually carried out? I'm not sure what to do at this point.

Help me out here people. Thanks!

PS I also have to say that this site has been a savior to me. Just being able to read through the traits and behaviors has helped me categorize and understand everything better. I myself display certain behaviors that are abusive sometimes. And it has helped me take a much deeper look at who I am and why I do the things I do and how to deal with emotions and boundaries more effectively. I look at some things, thought policing, dependency, envy (for instance) and say "omg I do that..." or "omg I used to do that..." and has sparked me to reach out to some people and apologize.

[Spygirl]

I am so sorry you are going thru this. It must be incredibly difficult and frightening for you, even as a man.

I hope you take comfort in knowing you are not the first assulted. Chances are you will also not be the last.

IME, cutting this person off as if they do not exist, getting a "ring" camera installed, and not responding to any of the flying monkeys, hard as that will be, is the best thing. Calling the police if she does ANYTHING, changing your phone #, writing off some people for now, your best bet. File the charges. Nothing is better than exposing the monster to everyone.

I was gifted an apology from a family member of my expdh, who had left a very frightening "goodby" suicide type message to  his brother. When all said and done, it was a hoax for attention. He is an alcoholic, among otherthings. They had NEVER experienced this behavior in him. He was sooo good at his fakeness.

That was my "resolution".

You see, your need for validation and justice is going to have to be given up. You have to expect to never get it. Assume that you will be seen as the bad guy. Get on with life. Enjoy it. Learn the blessed lesson your are getting here so you can avoid these people in the future. Many people cant escape the FOG.  Eventually, the PD's  bite the hands feeding them. It gets too difficult to maintain storylines and manage people. Then the truth is seen.

I also relate to having a difficult time believing the truth even when it is layed out for you. The police and exes have already validated you. Its not you. You dont need to know why it happened. You will not get what you think you need. You will get sucked in again

Find a trauma therapist, someone who can show you a path to self discovery. The answers you really need are there. A friend or two may be supportive, but they dont understand the magnitude of what is going on. Seriously, they will not understand. It will make you doubt yourself more. Some of my friemds thought i was "harsh" simply because i did not have bruises!

I wish you best. People here are wonderful, and better than alot of therapists, because they have already walked through the fire.
Listen.

[Bowsy26]

Sundance:  I'm sorry you are going through all this.  Spygirl is spot on in her comments, I believe. 

My dxnpdh has assaulted me on several occasions, once getting himself arrested.  He had a year of anger management along with probation.  When he finished his sentence, he very pointedly told me that his being arrested was all MY fault, that I cost him a lot of money ($5000-ish) and that I was the one who should have been arrested because I was the one with anger issues (projection!).  I had contacted the psychiatrist he had at the time who, while he could give me no details, told me that H knew exactly what he was doing when he assaulted me.  I believe the psychiatrist was right.   My point is that they do not change.  An entire year focusing on his "anger issues" and he ignored it all.  I'm sure he believed he knew more than they did and since it was really ME with the anger issues, then he didn't need to believe anything they said about him. 

There is no way that I have been able to figure out to reach into a PDs heart and change them - believe me, I've tried.  They do not change; they only temporarily change their behavior to suck you in.  If they assaulted in the past, they will again.  They will use whatever means they need to to keep control and if they have used physical force in the past, they will again when they need to in the future.  I'm now in my 60s and have spent most of my relationship with H trying to figure him out.  Its been a whole lot of time wasted from my life.  I dont' think they can be figured out, but they sure love the energy we put into it trying.  My H once told me that when a codependent person dies that someone else's life passes before their eyes.     In a way, that certainly would be true for me because so much of my life is memories of dealing with him. 

I hope you can move on and go NC.  Therapy can help and so can abuse support groups that are often offered through Women's Shelters.  It shouldn't matter that you are male, the one that is local here provides that service to men leaving abusive relationships.  She is not going to change, and I suspect she will move on to someone else she can control/abuse since that is what she has done in the past.

You are not alone in being assaulted by a female partner.  My mother assaulted and verbally/emotionally abused my father who never fought back.  She could rip you up one side and shred you on the other.  She was vicious.  She was also my abuser while I was growing up.  While it is more common for men to be abusers, women can be, too.  Stating the truth shouldn't be offensive to anyone so please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed about your situation.  Frankly, it is she who should feel ashamed (real ashamed, not fake "pretend" ashamed).  Good luck to you.   

[sundance]

Thanks for the responses. It's so hard to me to just break everything off and condemn her as one thing or another. I still love her. As crazy as that sounds.

She has been reaching out through the protective order. I got an apology letter that says she's in therapy and committed to working on it.

I also got several messages via social media, which I didn't want to have to block her on, but now have. I responded to the last one, in which she told me she needed me to know that the reason she hit me was because she was in a really bad mental space and depressed about her life, which had gotten worse because of bad behavior (not because of "the terrible things I've done, or even because of "the things I've done"), and that she really misses me and wishes she could talk to me and she knows it's going to be hard work. I responded by saying, essentially, that I can't trust her, that I believe she is self-editing, and that I wish I could trust her. That if she is really committed to this, brutal honesty is going to be the only thing that starts the process and keeps it going. That her mental health problems didn't assault me--that she did. I told her that continuing to reach out to me was not only walking all over my personal boundaries, but disregarding the law.

She said she understand all of that, and does respect my boundaries, but she can now have a new life and move forward. And she continued to respond. And gave me hearts and stuff. I'm a little troubled by this.

First off, continuing to reach out to me is disrespecting my boundaries. Second of all, why do I _need_ to know that she was depressed and upset and that's why she hit me, or that her trigger is being abandoned, when clearly I already know something massive is up other than trivial things?

Secondly, I'm concerned she is reaching out to people and telling them she is a victim of all of this. I'm struggling with not knowing what is happening. Not being able to talk to her about this, not being able to trust her, but wanting so much to do both.

I'm getting the vibe of an addict who is on their third attempt trying to get sober, and telling everyone "it's different this time" when they are 4 weeks in.

It's so hard because there are just a couple things that I want so much to believe are legit and honest and real, but my mind keeps looking at what's happened and the evidence and sees a possibility this is all an act. If it's an act, does she know it's an act? If it's not an act, all I want to do is be there to talk about this with her. But given that there are court dates coming up, I'm concerned about being manipulated. She started the message of with stating that she was worried I was going to use it against her.

It's so hard! I feel like the things that make me compassionate and trusting of other people are under attack right now. I feel like I want to believe that people can change and that it's worth giving them a million chances. But at the same time I feel like it is this very thing that makes me vulnerable to people who manipulate.

How can I know whether this is sociopathic or honest?

I was going back through the recordings of the first time she assaulted me. She punched me down in the street.... i'm thinking recording her is the thing that really set her off... and then as she got back in the car, she said something to the effect of "this has been great," sarcastically, I suppose. Then drove off. Later would tell me that it was my fault. And then later apologized. And then the next day, sent me a message that said the same thing she's saying now: I'm going to do everything I can to make this better and prove to you that this doesn't define me.

I never wanted any of this. I wanted a companion for adventures. Someone to share time with.

So what do I do? The one ex who had originally said he would testify has now stopped responding. I'm concerned she reached out to him and gave him the apology and essentially asked him not to testify. I just don't know what's going on with her. I can't see who she's talking to or about what. I'm sure she's concerned about what I'm saying and to whom, as well.

When is it okay to show people the video of what happened? Is this slander? Or is this clearing my name? Is this manipulation or is this spreading the truth?

I'm concerned I may show some of the same behaviors as PD's. Why am I standing there recording instead of running away? Do I just want her to hit me again? Has anyone ever experienced this? At the time I was upset, and sad, and I had just gotten choked and punched, and I felt like it was a battle. Maybe I thought I'd just stand there and let her do what she was going to do so she could see it. But who does that? Why did I do that?

Why did I accept the apology?

And what should I be doing? This legal stuff is outside of the realm of my experience. I just don't know. Deep inside, I'm arguing with myself: everyone makes mistakes and everyone has problems. I certainly have mine. And the court system is a big scary thing. I am scared that it isn't prepared to deal with nuance. But also, people shouldn't hit each other. And if she is a sociopath, then nothing else will stop her. How do I even know if she actually feels remorse or if she is simply reacting in self-preservation. My thought, though, is that, long-term, self-preservation would be to just put everything out there for everyone to see and move forward.

I've been emotionally abusive before. Especially when I was younger. I can relate to people who lash out verbally when they are upset or depressed. I can relate to the confusion and suffering. But I've never hit anyone, or tried to. I've never destroyed anyone else's property. I've never abused anyone and then continued to tell them it was their fault. I can't relate to this. I don't understand it.

[Findingmyvoice]

sundance,
I understand how hard it is.
I was married to a woman with a personality disorder for almost 15 years.  For the last two years, she said was working on changing.
And I have to agree with others that it's very difficult for them to change.
We tried just about everything.  We went to two separate marriage counselors, she took anger management classes, we tried different support groups.
I had called the police in response to her trying to choke me and I understand how it's instinctive to want to protect them from their own actions.
I actually wouldn't have called the police if she had just left me alone afterwards, but she would not leave me alone.  I called from behind a locked bathroom door.
I had to call another time when she was attacking me in front of the kids and wouldn't stop, even with me and all the kids telling her to stop.
Me pulling out my phone and calling 911 while huddled in the corner was the only thing that stopped her.

Her behavior actually escalated and intensified with therapy.  Therapy was helping me to see that her actions were abusive and she started lose control, I started to stand up for myself and she couldn't hide any more.  So it actually made her try harder to get back in control.  No matter what she still wanted to blame me for everything.
Be aware that if you expose her or make her accountable she may get worse, she will try harder to make you look like the villian and her the victim.
The best thing you can do is to not respond to any of it.

Still, she was able to find people to take her side.  I had friends chastise me for "just leaving" and urging me to "work things out". exBPDw had done this before and obviously didn't tell the whole story.
She contacted my family, tried contacting my employer, police, everyone she could think of and told everyone something different depending on how she wanted to appeal to them.

It's funny that you mention that you are bigger than her.  I thought the same, that I wasn't really at risk because of her size and strength.
The difference is that I wouldn't fight back.  I couldn't.  I knew that even if I restrained her from hitting me that I would be the one blamed or charged with assault.
This actually put me at risk in my situation.  Both for being hurt and for being blamed afterwards if I did anything to protect myself.  She knew that she could do whatever she wanted to me and I would not react.
The first time I called police, I was also charged with assault.  She claimed that I pushed her.  I did, but it was to get her hands off my throat.
She also brought up a previous incident to the police where she was pushing and kicking me and she had them convinced it was the opposite.

My point with all of this is stay away.  Her patterns are predictable.  Don't feel guilty for protecting yourself.