I want to break free, guilt and confusion

[Alittlelife]

Hello all,

I feel a sense of joy and relief having found this community, especially at a time when I really need it!
It feels like i am awakening from what has been happening to me maybe my whole life, but I have been blind trying to meet the needs of my brothers who I know feel has been using me and I am sick of it!
He is  7 years older, our relationship growing up was not good, he was always the more charismatic one and knew how to get what he wanted, even through lies and manipulation.  I feel he  contributed to my insecurities and low self-esteem.
We had a big traumatic event happen 13 years ago, when I was 18 and he was 25, our parents told us they went bankrupt, they borrowed money from loansharks and were in danger, also in trouble with the law. We were told me had to leave our country as we were in danger, so I left the country with my brother,  and my parents left too to a different country. 6 years would pass until we would see  our parents again, it all happened very quickly and I lived with a sense of fear, and shame, and shock.
Living with my brother was not easy, we did not get on but had to survive together.  We made a life for ourselves, but my brother was hit the hardest. He got a job in design and a girlfriend, a good group of friends, but after a breakup and difficulties at work, he starting behaving oddly, and had a psychotic breakdown. I was the only one there who could support him, I was by his side and helped him in his recovery.
Before his breakdown I moved out with my the. boyfriend, which I think my brother resented.
Ever since my brother's first breakdown 9 years ago, I feel I have been his support worker on tap, and my parents have also condoned this. I have been attributed this role in my life, which I took up, of a fixer and go to person, even though I am the youngest. My parents, after losing everything and getting older,  have also been very reliant on me, and asked me to help and be by my brother's side.
About 2 years  after his first breakdown, my brother had another more violent psychotic episode. Neither lasted long, maybe 2-3 days, so he was never given a diagnosis of bipolar, or schizophrenia. He was told he had brief psychotic episodes induced by stress.
But what followed  since then has been so stressful and draining for me, as my brother only talks about himself and his mental health. He has pushed away all his friendships, he cannot keep a job and would only look for work in high demand roles that pay well. He has been going to therapy on and off in the past 3 years, and on low dose medication. I would say he has improved at times, but it is still very challenging for me.
I have anxiety and depression and I am in therapy.  I managed to advance my career in  social work and mental health, freed myself from a longterm toxic relationship and after some work on myself I entered another relationship in which I feel much better.
I feel like my brother does not support my relationship, and is very passive aggressive. After one year he agreed to meet my boyfriend, and after the meeting he was negative and projecting things on us, calling my boyfriend anxious and calling our relationship 'enmeshed' and co-dependent. How can you say that after spending one hour with someone?? After that he said he cannot tell if he would boyfriend again, he never asks me about him or my life with him, even though we now live together.
My brother only wants to talk about his anxiety and he calls me when he is feeling very anxious hoping I will help him. He knows I am struggling too and pretends to care, but when it comes to showing it he would call me aggressive, or that I don't have a personality, or that I want to suck the life out of people. I always thread on eggshells around him, and he has brief paranoid thoughts that make me feel very uncomfortable, such as if someone scratches their ear, or their nose, or clears their throat, he sees that as a sign,  a signal of aggression or being spied on.
I can see how my brother does not tolerate when I take a step back, He called me a week after we had an argument, I did not pick up and messaged to tell him I was busy, he texted back kindly saying that was fine and call him when I was free. I did not call him back that same day, as I did not feel like it. I woke up to text messages from him, saying How he understands I am going through tough times and he loves me, but that he feels I am rejecting him when he expects I call him back and I don't.  That is typical of him, he always has demand about calling him every week or seeing him every other week, and I don't want to do it. He wants me to trust him with my feelings and emotions, but he does not take them into account.
I worry as he is alone, with no job, no stability. And I feel scared to take a step back but I feel so stuck in this relationship with him, I am always stressed and worried, hyper vigilant, and I need to focus on my job, my life and relationships. I explored in therapy how I feel stuck and emotionally still struggling so much with anxiety.
It it is always the same thing with my brother He is endlessly focusing on processing his trauma, which is good I guess, but I am constantly reliving my trauma in this volatile relationship with him. I want to step away but I feel guilty, I feel like I should be able to manage it and support him, but I can't.
Also, he keeps on wondering what his diagnosis is, as he has these mood swings and he was wondering if he was bipolar, I told him from my experience he does not seem to have bipolar, as he does not have b mania. I feel he is more in line with BPD or  NPD, but don't know if that is my business to tell him?  My therapist suggested to me his behaviour is in line with these too, and my research and work experts confirms it.

Please let me your thoughts, I am so lost..

[Starboard Song]

I worry as he is alone, with no job, no stability. And I feel scared to take a step back but I feel so stuck in this relationship with him, I am always stressed and worried, hyper vigilant, and I need to focus on my job, my life and relationships. I explored in therapy how I feel stuck and emotionally still struggling so much with anxiety.

It it is always the same thing with my brother He is endlessly focusing on processing his trauma, which is good I guess, but I am constantly reliving my trauma in this volatile relationship with him. I want to step away but I feel guilty, I feel like I should be able to manage it and support him, but I can't.

Also, he keeps on wondering what his diagnosis is, as he has these mood swings and he was wondering if he was bipolar, I told him from my experience he does not seem to have bipolar, as he does not have b mania. I feel he is more in line with BPD or  NPD, but don't know if that is my business to tell him?  My therapist suggested to me his behaviour is in line with these too, and my research and work experts confirms it.

Please let me your thoughts, I am so lost..

First of all, my heart goes out to you. You've suffered a great deal, but stood firm by your brother when you deserved to have someone standing for you. We have a saying around here: "apply your own oxygen mask before helping others." It is a great analogy. We all know that in a severe crisis, we have to protect ourselves first so that we can help others.

It is not good to endlessly focus on processing one's trauma. It is far better to be taking one good step at a time forward. It sounds like your brother needs something that right now you have a limited capacity to give.

Please head over to our Toolbox and read about a few items on our What To Do list:

• Boundaries
• The 50% Rule
• The 51% Rule

Boundaries are not rules for your brother: they are an expression of what you will or will not do, or engage with. They are rules for you. You don't need anyone else to even know about them. In extreme cases, people can make it impossible for us to respect our own boundaries. But the idea is that you just DO them.

The 50% Rule is hard medicine. Also known as It Takes Two to Tango, it is an acknowledgement that, when we are not being coerced by force or threat, we are ourselves responsible for half of what goes on in every relationship. We can limit. We can stop. We can trim. We can walk away.

The 51% Rule is especially important for you right now, and it applies to even the best, healthiest relationships. You must always care just a tad bit more for yourself than for the other person. This is a pragmatic, long-term rule. We all ignore our own needs for a friend in crisis. But not perpetual crisis. You cannot set aside your needs for years for a person dedicated to "endlessly focusing on processing." You need and you deserve your own peace and strength.

So my advice is that, with an eye on the 51% Rule, you establish gentle loving boundaries with your brother. Limit the hours you'll spend with him, limit when they can occur. If there are types of conversations you feel dragged through, you can choose to no longer engage in those kinds of conversations. And these boundaries needn't be harsh and mean. He may not react well, when he perceives you no longer react to any message or text after 7pm in the evening, say. But that won't be your negative reaction, it will be his.

That brings up one other tactic: Your Stuff, My Stuff. It is important to separate his problems from yours, and to realize that you can help him with his but they are HIS. There are too many people suffering in this world, some more susceptible to your help than he is, for you to allow yourself to hurt and decline for him.

I wish the very best for your brother as you do. You can help him to thrive best by thriving yourself. Be your very best. Doing so may mean trimming him back from your life a little. You will act with love, and with any good luck he will come to understand.

Be good. Be strong.

[bloomie]

Alittlelife - hi and welcome to Out of the FOG!

What a difficult journey you have faced from a very young age. It is worth celebrating the great strides you have made to establish a life you enjoy and love, relationships that you treasure, and are working through the trauma and difficulties you have faced. Wow! You have a lot to be very proud of.

Just from the snap shot you share here, it seems you are at a saturation point with the neediness and emotionally manipulative behaviors of your brother. It does seem to be that the healthier we get the less able we are to stay in the role our family of origin (FOO) has assigned us - fixer, caregiver, caretaker, always available, asking for little to nothing in return, carrying the responsibilities of others as if they are our own.

Something that has been foundational work for me is to really think through and begin to live from a clear eyed understanding of what love looks like. For others and ourselves. I had a pretty distorted understanding of love coming out of a family system that was upside down and insecure where the female children were held responsible for the adults and male siblings - emotionally, financially, spiritually, physically - even when much younger.

Looking at it now, from a distance and after much hard work like you are doing in therapy and through all of the avenues I have taken to grow and heal and self determine - it seems mind boggling that I walked along that path for so long, but I simply did not know better and did not understand that I was not responsible for the choices of others that are beyond my control.

You are making such good steps that you can see that intense and regular interactions with your brother are not healthy for you. That is an important admission to allow yourself. That doesn't mean you cut him off, but it does give you a good place to begin to work out from as you determine how, when, if you share your life with him.

For me, it all started with learning to ask myself: "what is mine to do?" and learning about healthy boundaries internal - over what I am thinking and believing, and external surrounding my life and the things I prioritize and cherish. All determined by me and based on my core beliefs and values.

It dissipates the intense FOG around a connection like you have with your brother - forged in urgent trauma - to begin to see that how you live and interact with him is how you live and interact with everyone. You apply tools and strategies to anyone who is intrusive and emotionally manipulative. You apply limits and boundaries around any relationship that is not truly reciprocal.

It may feel like it at times, but it does't seem like there is anything truly urgent going on with your brother or parents. And if there ever is, most likely you would need highly trained professionals to intervene given the gravity of some of the issues you describe.

My hope is that you keep sharing and giving this community an opportunity to come around you and support you. I have found it so helpful and filled with great insights and resources! I see we are a bit late in welcoming you, but I am so glad you are here.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

It seems that you have experienced a lot of trauma in your life.

I can relate to a lot of what you have posted about.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I have not been in contact with her for over two years.

We can feel a lot of guilt about not doing what we want to do. We need to look after ourselves first and calmly set firm boundaries. It's OK to do that.

What helped me was redefining my relationship with my sister as her being my abuser, attending mental health carers groups and practicing regular Mindfulness guided meditations.

I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach online. She gives regular free talks.

Her website is
www.tarabrach.com

My super power is staying calm. I could so easily get on my sister's emotional rollercoaster with her. She tried to provoke me into anger but I remained calm.

Another person I follow online is Kris Godinez. She is an author and counsellor. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. I have learnt a lot from her.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

If this person were not related to you would you have anything to do with them? If the answer is "No" then act accordingly.

I find it less stressful for myself when I replace "should", "could", "need", "must", "have to" with "want". I ask myself "what do I WANT to do?".

It's OK not to contact your brother if you don't want to. You need to take care of yourself first.

It is time to give over the responsibility of your brother's care to the mental health professionals. He is their responsibility not yours.

My sister was frequently suicidal. For decades she would threaten to harm herself. She used that as a way to control me. She blamed me for how she felt. She projected all her problems onto me.

Abusers are all about power and control.

I have learnt to calmly let go. It's not been easy because of the decades of abuse and co-dependency I have experienced.

I need to take care of myself as no one else is going to do that for me.

I care but can't cope.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.