Hes still not happy that my wife hasn't phoned him - LET IT GO

[p123]

Yes you have to stick to your boundaries. Give an inch and they'll take a mile. Such is the nature of their disorder.

I couldn't tell her if I was going to the park anymore because she'd always want to come along. I did take her many times. However, sometimes I just want to go alone. I have that right. Took me a long time to understand that.

Yes I agree its hard because they expect you to think about them 100% of the time. Any spare time - take me out.

I remember once Dad saying to me "You look tired, you need to slow down and stop running around". What????? Yes I've just driven 20+ miles to drop your groceries in that I could have had delivered! I realise thought that what he really meant was "STOP running around for OTHER people, you need to concentrate on me!". Number of times, after explaining, no I can't do something because I've promised someone I'd do something, I get "But they'll have to understand!"

Mostly my kids. Anything I have planned with them he expects me to cancel and tell them thats the way it is. PRobably the one thing that winds up my wife most. (and the fact that hes got literally £40K in the bank which he never spends, never intends to, and never gives any away when he could easily just give it to his grandchildren).

Oh and he hates the fact that my mother-in-law stays with us a few nights a week. I've got be VERY careful what I say. She helps with childcare something that he;d never do in a million years. (not that I'd trust him!)

[p123]

lkdrymom, I'm reading this at work and almost spit coffee all over the keyboard. "My response would be either a cheery OK or "if you aren't I guess I won't have to go over".

Negatron has this infamous fake sick voice that she uses. Unfortunately for her she usually forgets to keep it up after about 5 minutes would just go back to talking normally. One memorable weekend she called me up to demand that I call the pharmacy for her because she 'couldn't talk'. I always put her on speakerphone and at this point looked at my boyfriend like  When I pointed out the obvious she did not take it well. I did not call the pharmacy.

p123, I feel like you're probably struggling with a lot of cognitive dissonance, which bothered me a lot as well. You're looking at someone who appears to be and certainly claims to be an adult, so you keep treating them like an adult and thinking you'll somehow be able to reason with them or make them understand. That there's a way to explain your boundaries or feelings that they're going to get. Think of it as trying to explain to a 4 year old that they aren't the center of the universe and the world doesn't revolve around them. It's going to have about the same effect as it does on your dad.

Psue,

OMG the "sick voice"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If his knees are bad I get the sick voice. How on earth does it affect your voice? lol.

When I was on holiday in Florida I had the sick voice BIG TIME for about 30 seconds until he forgot to do it. That was a classic one - he actually said "don't worry about me but I've had to call the doctor out". Basically he had a sore throat. Annoyingly, the doctor came out and gave him antibiotics - which validates it for him to be honest (must have been ill doctor came out and gave me antibiotics).

Few days later though when I phoned him (he did expect a call every day in case the sore throat had killed him) he said "hope I didnt spoil your holiday because I made you worry". Ummm nope Dad, because I forgot all about it one second after the call. Of course what he wanted was "you better worry about me when you're away and leaving me here all alone"

But yes I still can't my head around it. It still makes me VERY angry when he tries it on. Like above its SO obvious at times.
Yeh I get that its like dealing with a toddler but hes a damn clever and persistent toddler.

[Psuedonym]

Hahahahha. I would get "You look tired, you need to slow down and stop running around" every time I saw her. Every. Time. And then she would say it must be work that was making me tired.  It's been said before but I'll say it again, it's spooky how alike they are. Negatron also wants antibiotics as 'proof' she is sick. If one doctor tells her no she'll call another. I swear she's the single source of why there are drug resistant antibiotics. And the 'hope you weren't too worried'.

They are sneaky toddlers, you are right that they do have to watch out for that. The other day Negatron asked my bf for his mom's phone number and he straight up said 'hell no, i'm not giving you her number so you can bad mouth Psuedonym'. A few minutes later she said 'what street does your mom live on again?' as if bf couldn't figure out she was going to try to use the phone book to find her.  I guess she's actually run out of people she talks to on a regular basis to bad mouth me to so she needs a new audience.

I like Psue! I feel like we're buddies now that we have nicknames.

[M0009803]

Hi P123,

I am also UK-based, and have been reading your threads with some interest.

Have you considered using a grocery delivery service to get the boundary process started?

i.e.

Tell him that Tesco will be delivering his groceries at X time (you can even pay for them yourself) on a weekly basis.

That way the onus is on him.  He can refuse the delivery, but then he wont have food and then will have to fix his own problem.  Given his manipulative inclinations, it is likely he will complain, but it is unlikely he will try to get you to bring them to him (makes it obvious he has little regard for your time).

Anyways, just a thought.

[p123]

Hahahahha. I would get "You look tired, you need to slow down and stop running around" every time I saw her. Every. Time. And then she would say it must be work that was making me tired.  It's been said before but I'll say it again, it's spooky how alike they are. Negatron also wants antibiotics as 'proof' she is sick. If one doctor tells her no she'll call another. I swear she's the single source of why there are drug resistant antibiotics. And the 'hope you weren't too worried'.

They are sneaky toddlers, you are right that they do have to watch out for that. The other day Negatron asked my bf for his mom's phone number and he straight up said 'hell no, i'm not giving you her number so you can bad mouth Psuedonym'. A few minutes later she said 'what street does your mom live on again?' as if bf couldn't figure out she was going to try to use the phone book to find her.  I guess she's actually run out of people she talks to on a regular basis to bad mouth me to so she needs a new audience.

I like Psue! I feel like we're buddies now that we have nicknames.

Hey Psue!!!!!

OMG his thing with doctors is the same. I've given up. In his head, its their job to fix him and they're job to give him the right tablets. It annoyes me when the GP gives him anti-biotics because like you said it validates it.

[p123]

Hi P123,

I am also UK-based, and have been reading your threads with some interest.

Have you considered using a grocery delivery service to get the boundary process started?

i.e.

Tell him that Tesco will be delivering his groceries at X time (you can even pay for them yourself) on a weekly basis.

That way the onus is on him.  He can refuse the delivery, but then he wont have food and then will have to fix his own problem.  Given his manipulative inclinations, it is likely he will complain, but it is unlikely he will try to get you to bring them to him (makes it obvious he has little regard for your time).

Anyways, just a thought.

Hi M000000 - hi from wales.

Tried that. He comes up with the "Im desperate I've got no food". "OK Dad I can't come but I'll arrange and pay for delivery".
Then he'll back down "Oh I'll manage I think".

He likes Morrisons. All because he knows theres a Morrisons near where I live and not one anywhere near his house. Funny that. So I've got to do it.

Morrisons does deliver to his house. Ha ha. BUT its £40 minimum and "he doesnt want to spend that much in one go". Put it in the damn huge chest freezer thats about 5% full. (He even once said he didnt know you could keep things in the freezer for more than a week - that was a classic!)

Hes tried it all. "I dont want a stranger knocking my door". OMG - better hope the postie never has a parcel then!

Of course, hes NEVER agreed to it. If he does, he knows he loses one of his bargaining powers. i.e. making me visit by telling me hes got no food.

Thing is, and I'm sure everyone on this forum is the same, they WOULD visit their elderly parents anyway. I've often said there is NO NEED to blackmail me. I'll visit anyway (just maybe not when they want). It makes me want to visit less if I'm honest because I've got to be on guard to see what else he'll pull.

[p123]

This weekend more of the same. "Are you visiting?"

He had a go at me in the week because I was going somewhere which meant I had to drive within 5 miles of his house. (I call it the Dad Exclusion Zone - never admit to being there). I went straight from work to see a concert and it was a rush anyway. Dad, of course, had a mood on because I hadn't been to see him "on my way".

Anyway, didn't have the energy so told him "no im working". I wasnt but I've had enough now.

Now I'm getting the "well I HOPE you're coming next week". Not in a nice way as in a "you better damn well had be coming way". I'm sick and tired of it. The weekend after that I am working ALL weekend - probably 16 hours per day. So next weekend I'd like to see my kids a bit.....

I think its about time to push back again and say sorry I'm not coming next weekend either.

[D.Dan]

Seriously, it sounds like your dad has the emotional maturity of a tantruming toddler. Stuck in the terrible twos or threes.

Aaaannnndddd it's only gonna get worse over time.

I Bet if you utilize the same non-escalation tactics on him as you would a tantruming toddler, you might see some change.

[Adrianna]

Protect your well-being and your time. He will have no consideration for it.

I saw nana yesterday, bandage was on very good, secure. When I left her house, I thought I'll bet she calls me tonight saying it fell off. She comes up with excuses to get me down there Sunday nights because Sunday at lunch isn't enough. She wants me down there twice on Sunday. It's fun for her to inconvenience Adrianna. She thinks I'm stupid enough to not know she's lying when she makes up these excuses to get me back down there.

So on schedule she calls my house phone at 6pm.  I had shut off my answering machine due to her. I let it ring. And ring. And ring. She called 5 or 6 different times. One of those times I think it rang 15 or 30 times. Then called the cellphone. Didn't answer. Left a message saying the bandage was half off and she tried to wrap it with gauze but she's almost out now and needs me to buy more. No callback. I'm 95% sure she took the bandage off herself to get me down there. Nice try.

It amazes me the lengths they will go to for narcissistic supply. Really. Truly. Astounding.

[p123]

Seriously, it sounds like your dad has the emotional maturity of a tantruming toddler. Stuck in the terrible twos or threes.

Aaaannnndddd it's only gonna get worse over time.

I Bet if you utilize the same non-escalation tactics on him as you would a tantruming toddler, you might see some change.

Oh yes its been getting worse and worse last 3-4 years I'd say...

[p123]

Protect your well-being and your time. He will have no consideration for it.

I saw nana yesterday, bandage was on very good, secure. When I left her house, I thought I'll bet she calls me tonight saying it fell off. She comes up with excuses to get me down there Sunday nights because Sunday at lunch isn't enough. She wants me down there twice on Sunday. It's fun for her to inconvenience Adrianna. She thinks I'm stupid enough to not know she's lying when she makes up these excuses to get me back down there.

So on schedule she calls my house phone at 6pm.  I had shut off my answering machine due to her. I let it ring. And ring. And ring. She called 5 or 6 different times. One of those times I think it rang 15 or 30 times. Then called the cellphone. Didn't answer. Left a message saying the bandage was half off and she tried to wrap it with gauze but she's almost out now and needs me to buy more. No callback. I'm 95% sure she took the bandage off herself to get me down there. Nice try.

It amazes me the lengths they will go to for narcissistic supply. Really. Truly. Astounding.

Same here. I can almost predict when he'll call sometimes....
I regularly get the 20 phone calls. Never leaves a message.

Always the same. Always some scam reason to get me to visit.

[Adrianna]

Protect your well-being and your time. He will have no consideration for it.

I saw nana yesterday, bandage was on very good, secure. When I left her house, I thought I'll bet she calls me tonight saying it fell off. She comes up with excuses to get me down there Sunday nights because Sunday at lunch isn't enough. She wants me down there twice on Sunday. It's fun for her to inconvenience Adrianna. She thinks I'm stupid enough to not know she's lying when she makes up these excuses to get me back down there.

So on schedule she calls my house phone at 6pm.  I had shut off my answering machine due to her. I let it ring. And ring. And ring. She called 5 or 6 different times. One of those times I think it rang 15 or 30 times. Then called the cellphone. Didn't answer. Left a message saying the bandage was half off and she tried to wrap it with gauze but she's almost out now and needs me to buy more. No callback. I'm 95% sure she took the bandage off herself to get me down there. Nice try.

It amazes me the lengths they will go to for narcissistic supply. Really. Truly. Astounding.

Same here. I can almost predict when he'll call sometimes....
I regularly get the 20 phone calls. Never leaves a message.

Always the same. Always some scam reason to get me to visit.

I already unplugged my answering machine. Now I'm considering unplugging my house phone. Changed her bandage after work last night then came home to her calling another 4 times on the house phone. She didn't call my cellphone. I don't know about you but I just want her to leave me alone.

She will also sometimes whine to the help so they end up calling me at work. I'm thinking about shutting off my phone at work.

It's borderline harassment.

[p123]

Protect your well-being and your time. He will have no consideration for it.

I saw nana yesterday, bandage was on very good, secure. When I left her house, I thought I'll bet she calls me tonight saying it fell off. She comes up with excuses to get me down there Sunday nights because Sunday at lunch isn't enough. She wants me down there twice on Sunday. It's fun for her to inconvenience Adrianna. She thinks I'm stupid enough to not know she's lying when she makes up these excuses to get me back down there.

So on schedule she calls my house phone at 6pm.  I had shut off my answering machine due to her. I let it ring. And ring. And ring. She called 5 or 6 different times. One of those times I think it rang 15 or 30 times. Then called the cellphone. Didn't answer. Left a message saying the bandage was half off and she tried to wrap it with gauze but she's almost out now and needs me to buy more. No callback. I'm 95% sure she took the bandage off herself to get me down there. Nice try.

It amazes me the lengths they will go to for narcissistic supply. Really. Truly. Astounding.

Same here. I can almost predict when he'll call sometimes....
I regularly get the 20 phone calls. Never leaves a message.

Always the same. Always some scam reason to get me to visit.

I already unplugged my answering machine. Now I'm considering unplugging my house phone. Changed her bandage after work last night then came home to her calling another 4 times on the house phone. She didn't call my cellphone. I don't know about you but I just want her to leave me alone.

She will also sometimes whine to the help so they end up calling me at work. I'm thinking about shutting off my phone at work.

It's borderline harassment.

Yep. Same as me. I just think LEAVE ME ALONE. Often unplugged the house phone for days on end. Its crazy.

Stupidly some years ago I told him it was OK to call me in work. Wish I hadn't. It was because he was leaving not telling me important things because "you're not allowed to use the phone in work, are you?" (Umm Dad I dont work in a factory its ok).

I didn't mean ring me to badger me about visiting after work...

[Adrianna]

I haven't given her my work number for past three jobs.

Years ago I worked at a company that was going bankrupt. It was Very stressful for me since I worked in the department that paid the bills. I had to leave because it was taking a toll on me. After I got  a new job, nana said she wished that old company would take me back. I said why? I was miserable there. Her answer:

"I could call you at that place. I can't call you at your new job."

No concern for me whatsoever.

[bloomie]

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