Xmas is coming - part 2

[WomanInterrupted]

I agree that he's trying to force you into a caregiver role, which will take up more and more of your time.   

Both unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray tried that with me - Didi came first, insisting she needed help with just about everything - can't cook, can't clean, can't  even boil an egg or look up a phone number, poor bunny - and she'd shamble along on her cane until she saw  something shiny in a store window, then POW! - she'd take off like a shot, race-walking to the object of her desire! 

But she was so sick and weak, you know.  Surely, I HAD to care for her, hint, hint, hint. 

Except I didn't and pushed back - refusing to visit, contacting her less and less, and keeping to *strict* Medium Chill, so we had absolutely nothing to talk about.  I was fine, DH was good, the job was going well, everything was fine, and I was very busy with the usual, same old, don't want to bore you. 

All health complaints were kicked upstairs to her doctor or pharmacist.  Complaints about cooking were met with suggesting they sign up for Meals on Wheels.  Cleaning?  Call Merry Maids.  She needed a ride and didn't want to go with Ray ?  Call the Senior Van. 

I'd offer up other suggestions and if she shot them down, fine.   It didn't mean I had to or was going to take up the slack. 

Didi was of the faulty mindset I HAD to move her into our house and wait on her.  Didi was wrong - and Ray never figured that out.

No, he'd learned too well from Didi and thought the same things - with Didi, I was just learning about boundaries and really had to put my foot down.  It wasn't easy and it felt like I was being BAD  at times, but the more she pushed, the angrier I got, and the angrier (and more disgusted) I got, the easier boundaries became. 

Ray didn't stand a freaking chance.  By the time he rocked up, boundaries were easy.  The trial by fire Didi put me though saw to that - and as your father makes more and more demands and becomes more and more unreasonable, I think the same thing is going to happen to you.

I'd   already think ahead to next Christmas and decide now you're not going to visit for Christmas Eve, Christmas, Boxing Day or any other reason. You will NOT take him out because he behaves so badly in public, and you won't stop by with food, just so he's not alone.

It helps if you decide, well in advance, what you will and won't put up with - and don't forget the things he's done, the crap he's pulled, the lousy behavior, the waify behavior, any of it.  Do NOT forget that stuff and let abuse amnesia set in!

When he demands X or Y, remember how he's acted and tell him you're busy, you'll see what you can do, but it's not looking good - or tell him you can't and he'll have to make other arrangements.   

The groceries?  I'd just order them and have them delivered.  If he refuses them, that's on him - he can figure it out from there but you will NOT shop for him, since he doesn't appreciate it and sees it as YOUR JOB.

I don't know how your dad is - some PD individuals do eventually give up because they realize they're not going to win, but Didi and Ray never gave up - Didi was determined to get me to be her slave until the day she died, and Ray would have been the same way if he hadn't overplayed his hand and gotten himself declared incompetent.

Your dad may have himself hospitalized (repeatedly!) in a bid to reinforce  his need for a caregiver - if that's the case, *stay away* at all costs and reinforce, over the phone, that he needs to be in Assisted Living.

I'd make a point to stress that, whenever I had a chance.   

He won't like that, but too bad - and  he won't like that he can't *make* you do anything you don't  *want* to do. 

[p123]

I find that my UNPD dad is better when there's someone else there. I'm thinking, is there a friend who could come to one or two of these meals?
They usually behave when non family are around?
Waiters and the like have to 'serve' and can't be rude back, so they see them as fair game for their complaining and sarcasm.
My dad gets like that with waiters too, and he's sometimes outwardly rude about other tables 'making noise' (usually babies or children) .
Just wondering.
It honestly might be worth paying a care  assistant to moonlight for a couple of hours,  and just pose as a friend of yours ! haha.

I know how it is if my dad gets me on my own. I can be a real target.

They don't change. They don't mellow. In fact their attitude/ responses get worse as they age.  But IME they do behave more moderately in mixed ( as in blood with non -blood)!company.

Christmas Day went well for me with dad,  because there were other people around who weren't blood family.

Now that would be an idea!

[p123]

Well I think by his antics you can rule out going out to restaurants too in the future. He's creating his own reality by his behavior. If he can't behave out in public, don't take him. Next year politely remind him of his when Boxing Day roles around.

You said every two weeks you'd visit but I'd suggest even less visits. Why not once a month? The more time you spend with him the more unhappy you will be. There's no rule that says you have to visit more often, or at all actually. Let that one sink in.

I'm glad Christmas was good!

Oh hes pushing already. Took him out Boxing Day wanted to know "can you take me out sunday". Getting in there early. Nope not happening.
Hes also said "phone me first things new years day to wish me happy new year". And also "Would be nice to see you're wife I've not seen her for a good year".

Hes off and running. Of course the last two items are control by him - he likes it that people pay homage to him. Its going to be a cold day in hell before he sees my wife again - he can forget that one.

[p123]

His dad was hoping to foil the restaurant idea... because he wanted to be at p123's house.

I guess next time they can just hang at dad's flat and not go anywhere at all, maybe. P123 could grab some takeout on the way in.

Yep thats the best idea for nexty year....

One problem - I normally go away for the weekend once a year to watch cricket with him. I dunno if I can take it this year to be honest. (see thread on pee-gate last year!). That going to mean hotels, more than one meal. Someone save me!

[p123]

My NM tried twice to get me to assist her with her toileting habits.  Both times I was still in the FOG, but I could tell she was getting way too close for comfort!

The first time she was still living at home and I took her to a doctor's appointment.  She was walking with a walker.  She needed to go to the bathroom, so I got the key from the front desk and assisted her with opening the door to the hallway.  A short walk later, there was the bathroom-- a large affair equipped with safety "grab-bar" rails, etc.  NM wanted me to go inside with her.  I said "No.  I'll be out here.  When you finish, let me know and I'll open the door for you."  That was the end of that-- or so I thought.

About a year later, she was in an Assisted Living Facility and I went to her apartment for a visit.  She was in the bathroom when I got there.  I had a key and let myself in.  A short time later, the door to the bathroom cracks open and a roll of toilet paper comes flying out as if she had gone bowling with it.  She said "Illogical, I need you to get that toilet paper and bring it in to me."  I said "You have an extra roll right there on the shelf by the toilet.  Use that."  And I quickly shut the door.

Looking back on it, I believe NM was trying to get me to be her full-time nurse/caregiver.  The next step was going to be pressuring me into letting her move in with me, where I could take care of her 24/7.   She frequently hinted at that scenario.  It didn't happen, of course, but Geez Louise!

Run, p123, run!!!   

Oh he'd love it if someone moved in. Remember the episode with my SIL in law who planned to be his carer (for the money!). Dad never gets the idea that being old does not mean you need a carer, being ill and unable to do something is the key, Not laziness.

[p123]

I agree that he's trying to force you into a caregiver role, which will take up more and more of your time.   

Both unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray tried that with me - Didi came first, insisting she needed help with just about everything - can't cook, can't clean, can't  even boil an egg or look up a phone number, poor bunny - and she'd shamble along on her cane until she saw  something shiny in a store window, then POW! - she'd take off like a shot, race-walking to the object of her desire! 

But she was so sick and weak, you know.  Surely, I HAD to care for her, hint, hint, hint. 

Except I didn't and pushed back - refusing to visit, contacting her less and less, and keeping to *strict* Medium Chill, so we had absolutely nothing to talk about.  I was fine, DH was good, the job was going well, everything was fine, and I was very busy with the usual, same old, don't want to bore you. 

All health complaints were kicked upstairs to her doctor or pharmacist.  Complaints about cooking were met with suggesting they sign up for Meals on Wheels.  Cleaning?  Call Merry Maids.  She needed a ride and didn't want to go with Ray ?  Call the Senior Van. 

I'd offer up other suggestions and if she shot them down, fine.   It didn't mean I had to or was going to take up the slack. 

Didi was of the faulty mindset I HAD to move her into our house and wait on her.  Didi was wrong - and Ray never figured that out.

No, he'd learned too well from Didi and thought the same things - with Didi, I was just learning about boundaries and really had to put my foot down.  It wasn't easy and it felt like I was being BAD  at times, but the more she pushed, the angrier I got, and the angrier (and more disgusted) I got, the easier boundaries became. 

Ray didn't stand a freaking chance.  By the time he rocked up, boundaries were easy.  The trial by fire Didi put me though saw to that - and as your father makes more and more demands and becomes more and more unreasonable, I think the same thing is going to happen to you.

I'd   already think ahead to next Christmas and decide now you're not going to visit for Christmas Eve, Christmas, Boxing Day or any other reason. You will NOT take him out because he behaves so badly in public, and you won't stop by with food, just so he's not alone.

It helps if you decide, well in advance, what you will and won't put up with - and don't forget the things he's done, the crap he's pulled, the lousy behavior, the waify behavior, any of it.  Do NOT forget that stuff and let abuse amnesia set in!

When he demands X or Y, remember how he's acted and tell him you're busy, you'll see what you can do, but it's not looking good - or tell him you can't and he'll have to make other arrangements.   

The groceries?  I'd just order them and have them delivered.  If he refuses them, that's on him - he can figure it out from there but you will NOT shop for him, since he doesn't appreciate it and sees it as YOUR JOB.

I don't know how your dad is - some PD individuals do eventually give up because they realize they're not going to win, but Didi and Ray never gave up - Didi was determined to get me to be her slave until the day she died, and Ray would have been the same way if he hadn't overplayed his hand and gotten himself declared incompetent.

Your dad may have himself hospitalized (repeatedly!) in a bid to reinforce  his need for a caregiver - if that's the case, *stay away* at all costs and reinforce, over the phone, that he needs to be in Assisted Living.

I'd make a point to stress that, whenever I had a chance.   

He won't like that, but too bad - and  he won't like that he can't *make* you do anything you don't  *want* to do. 

WI - I remember you're story and use it as an inspiration :-)

Dad has noticed last few months that things aren't quite going as he likes. Hes started to fight back I can see that. He wants things as he wants them and thats the end of it.

I've done OK last month or two. No more contact with brother - him and my Dad can carry on without me, Dad thinks hes the perfect son believe what you want. I've ignored MANY requests for visits and "I've been stuck in all week can you take me out on sunday". I just ignore that and call him late sunday evening.

His attitude to my wife is annoying me now. Stop trying to tell me what my wife should do. I've got a feeling this is going to come to a head soon, and I'm going to have to tell him a few home truths.

Fully expect him to escalate things. I can see some hospital admissions coming up. Nope I won't be visiting. I certainly wont be summoned every day like hes expected in the past.

[p123]

One positive -Not seen a peep from brother over xmas. Good. Thats me and him finished as far as Im concerned. No great loss there.

He still told Dad he was at a friends 200 miles away Xmas Day. Did I mention on here I saw him (the main road to Dad overlooks his flat and you can see into the living room) on boxing day morning standing there. Dads excuse - oh it was probably one of his wifes sons coming around to check on the place. Yeh right - for a 48 hour trip. Well carry on believing that the GC is real and put up with his lies  - not my problem.

[tob-ler-one]

I can see some hospital admissions coming up. Nope I won't be visiting. I certainly wont be summoned every day like hes expected in the past.

(sorry for hijacking your topic)

I was back and forth to hospital, staying because, well, just because. I really didn't know any better; I was putting so much pressure on myself that I thought I was going to break but I didn't know exactly why.

I remember walking in one time and I got the words "Where have you been?" My mother was angry with me for not being there, for not protecting her against the medical staff. As if I could have done anything. Much of it feels like a dream. (A bad one)

My grandmother is getting on and still does plenty of stuff herself.

[xredshoesx]

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