Here again

[Feeling sick]

WTF he callled me baby  WTF don't think it means anything

[PeanutButter]

Its important to take responsibility for our emotions. Your anger is yours to own and be accountable for regardless of what he said.
Ime check out the toolbox.  https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do 
It helps to change our reactions to healthier regardless of what our pd does.

[Feeling sick]

Thank you peanut butter.
Well we had our bust up and  it is me, and how I treat him,  make others think badly of him so much stuff , so detailed,, I forgot my truth , and apologised , tears, thought how horrible I was to live with, began to feel I should see a professional. He said he had no feelings left I had done that, he didn't want to feel nothing , but I had done it, I had destroyed my best friend. I completely gave in, was trashed. He told me what I had said that had finished it for him. By then I was so upside down I was thinking I was the true npd, and that maybe I was getting a twisted satisfaction from posting here.
I was feeling so bad that I did think everything was worthless, and no point in anything.
Then somehow, I remembered from here about the cycles and I what I had written earlier. It made things less black, later I found out that what he said I had said  was not right.
Not sure where I am with anything just now, but maybe not so upside down.

[SparkStillLit]

I'm so sorry. I know how it is in these moments. I have referred to that business of whizzing things all around and somehow turning it into your fault as the "salad spinner". My therapist finds this hilariously apt.
You can't get caught up in that thing. I find writing stuff down helps me hang on to what's real and who actually did or said what. Because for sure that's all going in that salad spinner for a good whizzing, and it will never come out in your favor.
As I've said in some other posts, these days I have some all purpose statements written down, and I also have what I call "non committal noises" like ah and mmm hmmm and I see, and I extricate ASAP.
A long time ago, this nonsense led me to consider ending my life. I never want to think those things ever again. So I've had some therapy and these boards and other support groups. It can really turn stuff around. You don't have to be Led by their nonsense.

[PeanutButter]

I hope you keep coming here no matter what.
I can remember the anihilation of my spirit once I would give in to my pd's reality. I think it got easier with time but probably only because I disconnected and numbed myself more and more to survive it. Its hard to hold onto your truth. Especially if you are isolated. He constantly told me about how much other people we knew told him I sucked and asked him why he was with me. At the time I didnt know about npd or bpd or even malicious, manipulative people existing.
I want you to read the following words out loud feelingsick.
'(You) "I am not the person he is identifying me as. Even if he truly believes what he is saying about me, its because of his unackowledged core wounds that he NEEDS to put me in this role so he can unconciously repeat the disfunction that was his upbringing.
Who I am at the core of my being is NOT changed no matter how many times he does this.
I forgive myself for giving in and apologising just to get peace. I DESERVE PEACE!"
IME next time youll notice the signs a little sooner and will eventually be able to medium chill instead of react in anger. Thats what you can do. It will help. He might never change. But you can! You are not a burden. Your children love and need you!

[Feeling sick]

I am really struggling, I've been reading a lot about narcissistic abuse, and I'm  now starting to get really confused and upside down. A lot of the stuff I'm reading that is a feature of npd's, is what he says I've done to him! Now, he's talking  but withholding all affection, saying he's numb, and that I've killed the love he had for me.
I know I haven't done what he says , but I'm scared that maybe I have and I'm just lying to myself and it's me that's as horrible as he says! Most of the time I know it's not me, but sometimes i cant help  thinking it is.
This coldness is terrible, I'm going to be living an empty, lonely existence, with him. I can't leave just now, I'm kind of stuck in this hell.
Sorry for all this misery.

[Feeling sick]

I keep going over and over things, and see that he feels I betrayed him by my reaction, that I chose my friend over him.  Having friends was ok so long as I don't talk about anything with them, everything should stay in private.

[GettingOOTF]

My ex used to get irrationally upset when I spoke to my friends. He’d also feel betrayed. The thing is that that was his issue. I made it mine though and twisted myself in to knots trying to appease him.

If I was out with friends my ex would find an excuse to join us. “Oh I was just in the neighborhood” he would do this to make sure I wasn’t talking about him. He made such a big deal about any contact I had with others that eventually I stopped seeing anyone else. My life became my ex and when I left I had zero support structure. Of course I took much longer to leave because of this.

What you are describing is domestic abuse. Your partner is abusing you. You haven’t done anything wrong and nothing you can do will appease him long term and he will only find more to blame you for.

I always recommend calling a domestic abuse line. It’s something I really wish I’d done earlier.

I think I remember posting on one of your threads a while back about reading “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. While, like most books on domestic abuse, it’s written for women he explains how the advice in it and the form domestic abuse takes is the same in a relationship with two men and it is in a relationship between a man and a woman. I found this book really helpful in understanding it wasn’t me, it was him. A domestic help line will be able to advise you on other resources. I only know about the one’s I used to help me.

I’m sorry for the pain you are in.

[PeanutButter]

I really think you should take the advice GettingOOTF gave. I dont think this is something you can deal with on your own when your in the thick of it.

I spent 13 years with my abuser. I was in opposite world with him. I was so influenced by his emotional torture of me that I accepted his reality.

Just one example is he cheated on me with my bf. He then broke up with me when I found out. After he broke up with me he left town. He went and stayed with his exgf when he was out of town.
I went out on 2 dates with the same guy that weekend on friday and saturday night.
As soon as ex got back he called me. He wanted me back. I said oh my wth ive started dating someone.
HE WAS DEVASTATED! For the rest of our relationship he tortured me emotionally with his version of reality 'that I had betrayed him'. That he was the only one who got hurt by those circumstsnces... and on and on. I tried to defend myself in the very beginning. But eventually I came to accept the blame for breaking his heart and felt guilty.

This is how I know what you mean when you say you are getting confused and thinking it may be you.

I wish I had reached out for help. I instead suffered silently for years with the end result of no self worth, deppression, anxiety, and addiction.

Please continue your search for answers. We are all here for you in spirit.

[Feeling sick]

Thank you both for your kind words. It's not easy to get any privacy at the moment, so helplines wouldn't be much use for me, so it's more of me trying to find some kind of peace in my own head. I'm finding the careless, deliberate cruelty of cuddling the kids, interacting with them normally but only talking with me when he has to or when he wants to talk AT me,  almost unbearable .
There is NO affection at all. It is really lonely and such a contrast between how our previous good week has been. I wish he had gone, it would have been easier to deal with.
With this lockdown, there is no chance to get out on my own, no opportunity to speak on the phone. It's like being an unwanted guest in my own home.
And there is this pervasive, undercurrent of judgement, bubbling anger and I think dislike all directed at me. But I know if I said anything, it would all be turned around and be my fault and that my behaviour has caused all of this. It is so painful, I can't even talk freely with anyone, for fear he will hear and then I will just be confirming all he has accused me of. It's a no win, catch 22 and I can't even find that amusing. Sorry I'm just lost and hurting.

[PeanutButter]

 

It's not easy to get any privacy at the moment, so helplines wouldn't be much use for me, so it's more of me trying to find some kind of peace in my own head.

I think that is a wise goal for now. This is what you control : your thoughts and your reactions. You can find inner peace this way ime.

I'm finding the careless, deliberate cruelty of cuddling the kids, interacting with them normally but only talking with me when he has to or when he wants to talk AT me,  almost unbearable .
There is NO affection at all. It is really lonely and such a contrast between how our previous good week has been. I wish he had gone, it would have been easier to deal with.

The silent treatment is such a cruel tactic. My ubpdM used it often. This is a good article. In part it explains the effects on your brain of silent treatment https://www.heysigmund.com/the-silent-treatment

With this lockdown, there is no chance to get out on my own, no opportunity to speak on the phone. It's like being an unwanted guest in my own home.
And there is this pervasive, undercurrent of judgement, bubbling anger and I think dislike all directed at me. But I know if I said anything, it would all be turned around and be my fault and that my behaviour has caused all of this. It is so painful, I can't even talk freely with anyone, for fear he will hear and then I will just be confirming all he has accused me of. It's a no win, catch 22 and I can't even find that amusing. Sorry I'm just lost and hurting.

Dont worry about apologising for your feelings here. We support you! You have every right to your pain and im so sorry you cant express or talk about it.

[GettingOOTF]

My ex used to tell me that I was the reason we didn't have any friends. That I simply wasn't a friendly person. I'd bring up all these times people I met at parties gave me their number and wanted to hang out again, invited me to join their book club, brunch group or go see a movie we'd discussed with them.

He's say "they are just being polite, you don't see how uncomfortable you make people".

For years I thought I was this awful person that people simply politely tolerated. Now I see that he was vomiting his own insecurities all over me.

People love hanging out with me. I'm witty, charming, smart, a total laugh and all round awesome company.

But I had to push past what my ex put on me and see those things for myself.

I see a lot of my relationship with my ex in your relationship with your partner. I hope you are able to see who you really are. It's not who he's telling you you are.

[SparkStillLit]

What Out of the FOG says is something I've had to learn, also. Still working on it. Who updh says I am, is not who I am at all. Nobody thinks any of that weird, awful stuff about me. Well, maybe HE does, but who cares!!!
People really enjoy my ....gosh how did somebody say it... exuberant quirkiness, or something to that effect. Fun, refreshing, sunshine; these are all things that OTHERS say about me. They LIKE that stuff and want me around more often. I might be exuberant, but peopling is exhausting to me, so I have to choose wisely.  Just know that you, too can employ the kindergarten nonsense that PD so often quotes: "I'm rubber you're glue, bounces off me and sticks to you!" "I know you are, but what am I?"
Except he says "I could say the same thing about you!"
For EVERYTHING. Even if it doesn't make a lick of sense!
You are BETTER than any of that!

[Feeling sick]

Not sure if this is all part of the dance, but either my pd forgot himself and showed a little bit of affection, ( and then withdrawn again) or I've been sucked in again as I wait desperately for any crumb. I was appologising for my despicable behaviour, which I must be. given what I have done, and I'm here again upside down not knowing what world I'm in.  Having the vision of what it could have been , had I not destroyed it , in front of me is soul destroying, painful doesn't describe it.  The fact that I am left with an empty shell which is my fault is continually demonstrated. But, if I am this bad surely I need help, surely my admitting I need help is a good sign,  but it doesn't seem to be taken up.

[PeanutButter]

I would dig into anything self help I could get my hands on. Not so he'll forgive you but so you are better able to cope and move through your grief.

[GettingOOTF]

I second what Peanutbutter said.

It's not a popular option and honestly it triggered me no end when I first heard about it but for years and years I looked to change others. I couldn't understand why they treated me the way they did. I learned that you cannot change others only yourself. For me my issue wasn't how others treated me it was that I stayed and put up with it, that I fought to change them instead of changing myself. I came to see that I too had many issues I carried with me from how I grew up.

I look back now and I can't understand why I fought so hard to stay in such a toxic situation. With some more work I'm starting to see it but it's still perplexing to me.

Turn your focus inward, build some skills and strength. At the very least it will help you to deal with him better. For me it gave me an entirely new life.

I'm sorry for your pain. I've been there myself.

Do you know if nate postlethwait? He's known mainly for the story of his childhood but recently he changed his focus and does life coaching. I follow him on Instagram and Twitter. He talks a lot about building self esteem. IG and Twitter are great for those things when you are worried about being caught reading a book.

[Laurie]

I have a small toy mouse in a shelf as a reminder to myself to not take the bait, a frequent struggle for me with my in-laws.  It's so easy to get sucked into the nonsense.  It sounds to me like you are being baited into this chaos and drama.  I re-read the medium chill section often and find it helps.  I recommend taking a look at that and grey rock techniques to stop rewarding his bad behavior.

[Laurie]

Here is a link to more on medium chill/gray rock/robot mode I keep nearby for reference and thought you may find useful.

http://www.kellevision.com/kellevision/2017/05/how-to-protect-yourself-from-a-cluster-bs-abuse-gray-rock-medium-chill-and-robot-mode.html