Who is the narcissistic one?

[rileyelliott]

Hi all,

I'm a female legal academic currently working through processing the sudden (NC -- imposed by him) end of an 18 month relationship with another male legal academic in my field. In making the no contact, he has turned it inexplicably litigious -- filing a harassment complaint with the university police for 3 benign emails I sent after his request for no contact (those emails were the only contact and I had not contacted him since those emails); requesting we continue "professional communications by email" then not responding to my emails requesting to discuss how we are going to have professional communications and instead taking those emails to the University Title IX office to get a No Contact Order -- yet still inexplicably requesting a carve out for continued professional contact.

A friend and psychologist recently suggested the possibility that he was narcissistic, and after reading through the toolbox on NPD I feel solidly mixed. Here are the things that are indisputably descriptive of him:



• Split parents, unloving father and alcoholic mother who he separated himself from at the age of 13 yo by writing a scholarship to go to boarding school, but now has a relationship (if deeply avoidant of actual discussion of her disease) with her again
• Blaming - Can't remember a time he admitted to doing something wrong or having the wrong judgment, it was always someone else and he was reasonable
• Frivolous Litigation - See above
• Gaslighting - He would regularly tell me stories about his ex-wife -- that she was jealous, that she would put him down, that she was terrible to him --or others and then when I would say something related to that weeks or months later, he'd deny that was his characterization and act like I was making it up.
• Reverse hoovering - I don't know if this is a thing, but he would retreat and withdraw and withhold emotion and threaten to leave and I would be put in a position to pursue and get him back. The second I stopped really pursuing, he would return to give us a second chance. This happened repeatedly
• Invalidation- I am an untenured first year professor but have enjoyed a lot of success in my field and high profile publications, he is a PhD student (we started this when we were both PhD students). Though when we started the relationship he seemed to be in awe of me and my success, shortly after we really became intimate with each other he seemed to take a "now I know that you're not really as smart as everyone thinks you are approach." He would frequently describe me as scattered, or a mess, and imply my success had been accidental and somewhat inexplicable. The implication in contrast was that he was a more rigorous and deserve legal scholar and more entitled to the invitations and accolades I received that I was.
• Manipulation - Despite the above, there was a constant sense that he was drafting off my career. He asked to be invited to every conference and event I attended that was in our area, or to join me in speaking. He insisted on writing a paper together, and even though I'd written a similar paper of the same name first as an essay and already published it, he insisted on his name going first (which I allowed because he convinced me it was more important to his career). To be fair, I enjoyed doing these things because they clearly made him feel loved and included and validated and in turn he was more affectionate to me.
• No win scenarios - Often I felt like the insistence on invitations and inclusion in events and introductions to people in the community put me in a double bind -- if I things weren't going well at the moment for us, and I invited him to something he would accuse me of "dangling a professional opportunity" to draw him back in-- but if I didn't invite him, he would feel hurt and accuse me of retaliating against him and cutting him out professionally.
• Sense of entitlement - see everything above related to his sense of entitlement of my professional success
All that said I feel like now we would describe ME as the NPD type. I think he could say I displayed"

• Impulsiveness: I am definitely impulsive, but I feel like moments after being impulsive I would call myself on it, apologize and try to be reasonable and discuss things going forward
• Pathological lying - With the exception of the very end of the relationship, when I pretended (and then confessed) to being someone else over email while I was in a state of extreme depression, I never lied about things, but I did cover some things up that I knew would upset him -- like when another academic would speak ill of his work, or I knew he would interpret behavior of mine as manipulative of him rather than self-protective for me or in my own interest.
• Relationship hyper vigilance - at points in the relationship I did inquire often about what he was doing and where  he was, but this was in part because he refused to commit to me and was often seeing other women
• Stalking - This part seems the most unlikely. He was extremely hyperbolic about any kind of perceived statement I made as a threat (after a terrible fight, I asked him not to join me in speaking at an event I'd invited him to, he stated I was threatening his career and I was manipulating him professionally) and held on to them dearly, even though there were probably a total of three such moments. In our final few weeks together, I went to visit him and he would not let me into his apartment and said we had to speak elsewhere. After two days of hard conversations in bars and cafes, I finally asked why I couldn't come to his apartment even though I had keys, half the stuff in the place was mine, etc. He claimed his friends had told him that if he was to let me into his apartment I might "falsely accuse him of assault." I was flabbergasted. As literally nothing in our entire history would suggest that I'd do such a thing. But he has maintained this type of "victim" behavior -- especially through the litigation.

In short, maybe *I* am the NPD here, or maybe he's not NPD. I just can't tell and I'm so turned around. That said these last parts in the Toolbox REALLY resonated with me:



• When receiving a compliment or apology, you may be left feeling patronized, demeaned, brought down to size and even humiliated.
• You may attempt to compromise with them only to realize later that you are the only one who gave any substantial ground.
• You may feel like your hard work and contributions are only being used, abused and and distorted to meet the selfish ambitions of another.
[/b]

as did this:

People who suffer from NPD rarely seek out treatment or therapy, since they tend to project negative thoughts and blame onto others. Those who do enter into treatment are often resistant to personal change.

He seemed to use the limited therapy he received just to bolster his own sense of righteousness, never to grow or change his perceptions towards things.

In short, I'm feeling Fear (terrified of seeing him at upcoming conferences) and Guilt (that maybe I'm the bad one here and messed this up) and some sense of Obligation (deep down I still want to fix him and feel like I want to help him).  But I'm positive he'd say the same about me: Fear (terrified I'll ruin his career or contact him unwantedly) and Obligation (that he felt a sense of duty to stay in the relationship because I was helping him professionally and would "threaten" to not help his career), though I don't see the Guilt.

Please help, I'm so deep in this and really need others thoughts in processing it all.[/list][/list][/list]

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome!
It seems that this relationship definitely left you confused, full of self doubt, emotionally unstable. Well done for reaching out.
Many of us, who had a similar experience, did things in their relationship they are not proud of. Some of the things I did in my relationship with my NPDh were out of character but I did them anyway.
The way you describe your current situation it seems to me that your former SO does not want a romantic relationship with you anymore but he still wants to benefit professionally from you. Should he be less successful than he expects to be, he might even blame it on you.

What I have found helpful in dealing with the PD in my life:

* take the emotions out - deal with facts only
* get some neutral professional advice - in your case you might want to get legal advice what to guard against. Can he accuse you of sexual harrassment?
* document your interactions -  write a journal, keep the emails. Remember: no reply  is also a reply.
* get help for yourself. Find a support group or a therapist or a counsellor or if you are lucky enough to have one, talk to a good, trustworthy friend.
* work on yourself. Find out what made you vulnerable for such a relationship. Find your weak spots that kept you in this, even when red flags started popping up.

Get as much information as you can. The TOOLBOX is a great start, there are book recommendations and other resources. You can find a lot of information on you tube too.
Hope to see you around on the boards.

[1footouttadefog]

What helped me to sort tue bahaviours was taking the 100 traits list in the tool box ajd marking the ones I did and the ones my pdh did.  Then indicating if they were occasional or habitual behaviours.  I akso marked if they were in responce to or a defence against another behaviour in the list.

It was immediately clear that yes I had some bad habits I needed to work on.  That yes I had over the course of time resorted to some defense mechanisms when overwhelmed by or when navigating theough the mess caused by the dozens of traits that are a habitual part of my spouses interaction with me.

I owned my part of this and have worked to corect my part of it all.  I also set boundaries against those thimgs that caused me to respond poorly.

It seems that you have been involved with a narcissist or someone with many traits of narcissism.  I hope you can learn the signs of this and reflect on yourself as to why you are drawn toward this type of person.

Fixing that about you will allow a healthier interacrion in all of your relationships.  External validation is usually a large part. 

I have found that recognizing enmeshment and the quickly being all that strategies of the pd person helps to avoid falling for them.  Taking things really slow and never believing that which seems to perfect and too easy, and just the right match , have saved me from narcissistic friendships several times.

I did not have to be rude or negative, I just faught the urge to jump right in with help or time or what ever.  This slowing down gave time to watch and see, it also makes me seem less like the type they seek.

I hope you heal from all of this soon, and find your self on the oath to your best possible life.