Boyfriend's ex wife

[Christy22]

Hi,

I am new to this board.  I started dating my bf in September of 2018.  Bf has an autistic son and been divorced since 2014; his xw cheated on him with a married man, bf moved out of the marital home and the MM moved into the marital home two months later. MM never got divorced and went back to his wife in September of 2019. 

In August 2019 we recently did about three small day trips together with kids; introducing each other as friends. The last time I saw his son was when my kids and I went to his bay party at the end of September. Before his bday party his son asked my bf two times for a play date with my daughter but I did not attend, I was at work and my bf picked her up and dropped her off home after the play date.

Two weeks before his son's bday party his xw found out that he is dating me. She made a comment to bf at son's school's open house about how he has "her son" around a "strange woman that I don't even know" and "I know you told him SHE is your friend but he's reading between the lines!"

Right after that his son began having severe anxiety making comments about how his life sucks because they're divorced and that he and his mom should get back together. He asked if they could invite her places out to dinner, an outing or and just to hang at house to watch tv together. He also said "You left mom without trying to keep our family together, you gave up on our family."  He had a talk with his son at that time; yet his son's behavior became extremely difficult/violent since then, and we took a time out (with kids, we saw each other but kept kids out of it).

Xw also began attending son's soccer games (He has been in a autism soccer team for a while and she never had any interest, bf is an avid soccer player and always took son to his games and practices) and asking the coaches if she could help with the players (Coaches have nicely refused). 

Bf's son had a breakthrough last week and told bf that xw is bugging him about me, she asked him if he likes me better than her MM and how he's a great guy and they are getting back together and are going to hanging out doing "fun stuff."  Bf talked with his son assuring him that he is the most important person in his life.  Bf told me that his son's behavior has been improving since that talk. 

I posted on another forum and was advised to tell his son we are dating and that I need to meet his xw.  I told bf that I would be open to meeting his xw and he said no.  I also asked him if we should tell kids we are dating and he was kind of against it although I believe his son knows I am his gf...So this is where we are at, taking it slow and not involving the kids; however I don't know if this is the right thing.  Bf is taking his son to therapy today so see how this issue can be resolved. 

Last week he took his son to meeting at work in lieu of soccer practice (on his scheduled day).   She sent a nasty text about how he should have had her take him to soccer (he did but son said he wanted to go with him) to which he didn't answer.  She showed up at soccer game on Saturday and screamed at him in front of everyone about the text.  He claims son stood behind her and agreed with her.  He then got frustrated and drove off. 

We are no longer hanging out with kids as he said he doesn't want her harassing his son.  Any advice on how to handle this? Thanks

[Christy22]

I don't know why half of the post is not on the page.  Last week he took his son to meeting at work in lieu of soccer practice (on his scheduled day).   She sent a nasty text about how he should have had her take him to soccer (he did but son said he wanted to go with him) to which he didn't answer.  She showed up at soccer game on Saturday and screamed at him in front of everyone about the text.  He claims son stood behind her and agreed with her.  He then got frustrated and drove off. 

We are no longer hanging out with kids as he said he doesn't want her harassing his son.  Any advice on how to handle this? Thanks

[D.Dan]

Okay, mom of 3 autistic kids here. I think it's awesome you want to help your boyfriend and his son! 

The advice you received about telling his son about dating, is good advice... but it's advice for neurotypical kids who'll be more upset about being lied to instead of autistic kids who'll be more upset about the change in their world.

I'd trust your boyfriend's instincts on this.

If your boyfriend is anything like me, he'll have the best understanding of his son's routines, likes, dislikes, fears and anxieties. Unless it's important to tell his son right away (moving in together, getting married, new baby) it is probably a better idea to just let his son slowly adjust to your presence in his & his father's life.

I find with my own children, when their lives are completely turned upside down and they have no idea what's going on, familiarity was my best friend. Routines. Their routines saved them from a ton of anxiety. (diaper changes, getting ready for school, getting ready for bed)  Saved my sanity too. (I had to flee to a homeless shelter with all 3 for a week from my uPDex for our safety)

But the best advice I can give is trust your boyfriend, he'll understand what's best for his son.

Sorry I don't have any other advice but I hope this helps. 

[athene1399]

I'm going to give advice by assuming xw has some sort of PD (I don't have experience in this situation with nons). I don't think there is a reason to meet the xw IMO. If she wants to know about you, BF can tell her (I'm not sure if that's even necessary. Maybe someone else can weigh in). BPD BM has wanted alone time with me and we've refused. She mainly wanted this time to try to convince me how "abusive" SO is. She's also tried this a few time on private messenger. That's why I suggest not meeting xw. We've tried to keep it so she can only message SO. She can get verbally abusive, so it's easier to keep all that in one place IMO.

SO and I were together for almost a year when his ex called me a "complete stranger". BM was fine with me picking SD up from school the year previous (BM would have a ride for SD, then it would fall through and she needed someone last minute to pick SD up. SO asked BM if I could get her and she was fine with that), but when BM was trying to get more time with SD and I was home with her before SO got home from work, I turned into the "complete stranger". But if there was a last minute doctor's appointment, BM was fine with me taking SD if I was the only one available. So it really depended on the circumstance.

I also wanted to meet SD before SO let me. I agree with D.Dan to trust that BF knows what's best for his son. Looking back, I understand now why SO didn't want me meeting SD right away.

I am glad that BF's son's behavior has improved since his talk with him. It's important the son understands that he is most important in BF's life. He also will need to know (when the dating become official) that you are not there to replace xw.

It must have been hurtful for BF to see son side with xw at the soccer game. Unfortunately that how those situations sometimes go. Usually there's no good way to handle it aside from walking away or remaining calm. If you suspect xw has a PD, checking out the tool box on the Out of the FOG site is helpful for knowing how to talk with her (like not JADEing). That's really helped SO to communicate better with BM. Nothing will really change how xw acts (like how she screamed at BF at the soccer game). The best thing you and BF can to is to learn how to cope with that because there's really no way to prevent it. Often we are left with two bad choices and BM will flip out no matter what we do. Try to always do what is best for son. And what is best for him is probably never best for xw. 

I hope the T has some good suggestions that you and BF can use to slowly introduce son to the idea of you dating. And also, even if son is okay with you two dating, xw may not be and she can upset son about it. So that's just one more variable to keep in mind.

Sometimes it helps to figure out why xw was so upset about son missing that one practice just so you know when it's coming next time. Like was she upset that son doesn't look as committed to soccer as she wants him to look becasue BF didn't take him to that one practice? Did she feel it made her look like a bad parent? Was she trying to look like the better parent by scolding BF for making son miss practice? LIke you don't have to ask her these questions, but if you and BF can talk and brainstorm what triggered her, it may be helpful in the future. SO and I understanding what triggers BM has helped us to figure out how best to phrase stuff to her sometimes. And also, knowing what situations may make her explode helps us to be mentally prepared for it.

[GettingOOTF]

I would tread really carefully here. You've been dating a year and he won't admit to people that you are in a relationship.

It seems like you are not both on the same page in terms of your level of commitment and ultimate goals for this relationship.

If his wife does have a PD (and you only have his word for this) and he has an autistic son then this will not be an easy relationship.

It takes a lot for a woman to leave a relationship, especially when young children are involved. You can read around the forums for examples of this. I'm not saying your boyfriend is lying but there are things that don't add up. Of course women cheat on men but it is not  uncommon for men who cheated on their wives to tell their current partner that their wife cheated on them. There are a lot of flags waving here that need a closer look.

I would ask myself what kind of relationship I wanted to be in and what my boundaries are. You seem like you want to dive in and help, and that's the focus of your post. If it were me I'd take a step back and ask myself what my motives are and what I was hoping to get out of it. You also sound like you're relatively young. If, and it's still a big if at this point, his wife does have a PD, then this will be the rest of your life. PDs only escalate. Personally knowing what I know of PDs, the dynamics of cheating and the fact he hasn't included you in very important parts of his life, I'd walk away.

[Penny Lane]

Hi and welcome!

I have been in your situation, or very similar. My now husband's ex wife left him for a married man who ended up staying with his wife. Two kids (though not autistic). When BM learned that we were dating she did her best to ruin it. DH also wanted to wait a long time to introduce me to the kids, and when he did BM really turned her vitriol on me for awhile. We even had a similar situation where she ignored soccer games for years until I came into the picture and then became a regular attendee, to the point of trying to tell DH and the coaches what to do. A lot of the behavior you describe is very familiar to me.

Believe me, I know, you're in a really hard spot and you don't have a lot of good options. Neither does your BF.

(I'm going to set aside Getting Out of the FOG's suggestion that he might not be telling the truth - if that feels right, definitely explore it, but that is not my situation so I don't really have any advice for that scenario.)

I think the others are right, that you should trust your bf on what his son needs. It's a tricky situation and he knows his child better than any of us do. That said, if your bf were here I would give him some advice about setting stronger boundaries with his ex and helping his son process his feelings about this.

But since you're here my advice is this: Figure out what YOU'RE ok with, and set boundaries around that. It sounds like right now there's an indefinite moratorium on hanging out with kids because of your bf's ex. Are you OK with that, and if not, what would you need to get your needs met? This could look like, asking him for a plan to move forward after things calm down in the short term. And if he says he has no plan, this is how it's going to be, really do some thinking about whether that would work for you. It could! Some single parents make it work like that - spend your time with your kids alone with them, spend your free time together. Maybe that's doable, maybe you need him to commit to resuming  You can also figure out other boundaries that might make it easier. Maybe you're OK with indefinite no kid time - but you don't want to spend what little time you do have together talking about his ex and her problems. It's OK to set a boundary around that!

He's in a really really tough spot right now and he HAS to put his son first. Your job is to make sure your needs and your kids needs are getting met. Basically you need to actively work to maintain your own sanity because the situation and the ex are enough to drive anyone crazy.

I think maybe you are a person who likes to fix things. I definitely am. It's so, so hard for me to recognize that this is a situation I cannot fix. I can only own my part of it and hope that the rest works out. It's a hard way to live - being a stepmom is very rewarding, but probably hard under the best of circumstances. This situation with the ex - it's very, very far from the best of circumstances.

Now, if he's looking for advice, you might browse the toolbox up top. I think he could benefit from some more boundaries with her. And just generally the attitude that, she is going to choose to be awful to her son sometimes. He can't control that, and it shouldn't limit his life. He should spend his energy giving their son the tools to cope with his mom rather than using that energy to try to stop her from doing anything.

It's all very hard and there are often no good answers, just the best of bad options. Good luck and I hope you'll come back and let us know how it's going.

[hhaw]

Christy22:

Some posters here said exactly what I was thinking....

being in a relationship that involves a PD, involves a child, involves a special needs child.....
just so very difficult , IME.

This is a choice you seem to be making, and I do wonder why you're choosing it. 

It's a more than difficult path.  As another poster said... spend some time reading this forum..... parenting children, having a relationship with a person who has a disordered ex..... life becomes a matter of mitigating harm, IME.

There are no great choices in these scenarios. 

When there are so many options out there, why is THIS the option you're drawn to? 

If you have a peek at Pia Melody's YouTube talk... dated but informative... you might see some red flags you missed. 

Or not.

[Penny Lane]

Sorry, I just put the timeline together - her ex went back to his wife and she learned about you all in the space of a month? Yeah if she's like my husband's ex, she's going to behave really badly for awhile. I think even a totally mentally healthy person might have a tough time with that. Sometimes you've just got to ride it out. Hopefully it'll calm down soon when she moves on to a new drama to worry about.

[Christy22]

Hello,

I wanted to give you an update as I took all of your advice and talked to my boyfriend.  His therapist agreed with me and he told his son that I am his girlfriend but that he is number one.

He went with his mom and came back and everything was fine until Christmas.

His son came home and saw gifts I had purchased for my boyfriend and a small gift my daughter bought on her own.

He freaked out saying, "you can't have a girlfriend, break up with her now call her now, you're affecting my life!" When my boyfriend asked how we were affecting his life he said, "I don't know you just are!"

He called his mom and she flew over there to yell at my boyfriend telling him that she left her married boyfriend because of their son (with him right there) and that their son is not ready for either of them to be in a relationship.

The son threw the gifts and smashed them.  He took him to the office the next day and he found a photo of us on the desk and smashed that too.

Boyfriend is going to therapy next week and has asked me to join him to try to figure out our next move.  He wants to take his son to a therapy session but he needs the ok from his mom which I'm not sure if that will happen.  I'll keep y'all posted.

[Christy22]

*The small gift my daughter bought was for his son.

*the mom said she dumped her married boyfriend because of their son (while pointing at their son) and how she sacrificed her relationship for their son.

[Penny Lane]

This sounds really awful for everyone involved. How are you feeling? It's OK to be shaken by a scene like that - I certainly have been.

I think meeting with the therapist is a great idea.

Do you have a sense from your boyfriend how much he thinks is instigated by the mom vs how much is what he would expect from his son otherwise? Smashing things sounds like autism related frustration to me - although of course alienation could be making that frustration worse. And I'm definitely not an expert at autism so I might be reading that totally wrong. But anyway it might be helpful as you approach this to try to figure out where the behaviors are coming from.

[Christy22]

Hi Penny!!

I believe that the ex wife is responsible but he is high functioning autism as well.  One friend has told me to just hang out with him and my kids (As his son cannot handle it) and just keep his son out of the equation for a while.  After I posted my first post when she found out about me, he almost got kicked out of soccer for aggressive behavior which she blamed our relationship for (We have not hung out with his son since my post but he did tell son I am his girlfriend).

Another friend (Who is a therapist) said that he needs to pull away from her and have little contact, tell her he is not listening to her yelling and needs to go back to court to modify their custody agreement. she said his ex is emotionally abusing his son and he needs to protect himself and his son and create boundaries.  She said that he is "treating her like a friend when she is not" and she disagrees with him hanging with my kids as "They will bond with a man that will never blend families."

We are meeting his therapist...

[hhaw]

Christy:

The unfortunate reality of having children with an abusive pd means you're either placating the pd or exerting control through the courts.

Court is typically expensive, drawn out and imperfect, even if you document your case extensively, imo.

It sounds like your bf is placating his pd ex and that might be his best option right now.

I don't know, but I'm sorry this special needs child, or any child has to be in the middle of this drama.

How are you feeling?

[Christy22]

Hi hhaw!

I don't know how I feel right now.  I am trying to be positive and understanding but it is hard.  Boyfriend's xw and he developed a schedule way before I met him; where he drops off his son to her on Saturday night.  Once he dropped him off and his xw said to his son, "Look at your father, all dressed up..He must be going on a date...He doesn't want to be with you tonight!" So now on Christmas the son accused him of dropping him off on Saturday nights only to be with me.  Boyfriend tried to explain that is the schedule he and his mom agreed to; but his son kept calling him a liar. 

When she flew over there to yell at him she said that she's known him for this amount of years and he is not the same man he used to be, that he needs to take a long look in the mirror.  (I think she is upset because he no longer responds to her nasty texts or explains himself to her anymore like he did in the past).

I am perplexed as we have not hung out with the kids, we have just went out on our date nights (His son said we are affecting his life but we  see each other ONLY when he is with his mom).  On drop off Sunday she said to him in front of his son, "If you don't want to take (son) for NYE so you can do something with Christy, I would be haaapppppy to take him."  Boyfriend said no, that's my night and I was planning on spending NYE with him.  Their son appeared  to be upset by  that conversation. 

A few weeks ago offered up their son on an additional night (One of our date nights) and he asked me about it.  I told him his son comes first and I thought it would be better for his son to start taking him on an additional night.  I think she was trying to trip him up because when he took her up on the offer she  got angry and said that he misunderstood her. 

One of his friends told him to say to the son, "Your mother doesn't want to see me happy.  Christy makes me happy.  I know she is your mom and you love her but she is making up stories."  But I don't know if this is good advice.  We are doing nothing until he sees his therapist.

[Christy22]

Hello, thank you for all of your great advice. I emailed boyfriend the toolbox information from this website. Everyone's advice was great and informative.

I was able to talk boyfriend and get more of the story. When son was yelling about my daughter's gift boyfriend told him he would give back to me since he didn't want/appreciate it. Son said no, he appreciates it and to say thank you but "Christy can't be your girlfriend." When son demanded he text me and say it's over boyfriend told him he is not doing that. Son threw my gift but it didn't break. He did smash the photo frame of us at work (Boyfriend did not react) and put it back together and back on his desk without being asked. Boyfriend said thank you and he begrudgingly said you're welcome.

I now know why she was so upset last week as son is a lot smarter than his mom gives him credit for. She asked him where I work, he said IDK. She asked him where I live, he said IDK. She asked him what type of car I drive, he said IDK. As she was yelling at boyfriend she made the statement, "Everything is so SECRETIVE!" She is sooooo angry that she cannot find out any information about me. They live in a small town and everyone knows each other and I am in the city a few miles away and NO ONE knows me.

She also mentioned his ex-girlfriend (The one she ran off) stating, "(XGF) didn't do you any favors and neither is Christy!" She also said that "We (Her and son) saw you two (Me and him) out together one night!!!" (Apparently, they saw us together somewhere when she was on "her" time with their son) and boyfriend does not know which night she was referring to but did not react to the comment.

I didn't mention on the first post that his ex was due to move 1500 miles away with her married boyfriend (In August of 2018) and had relinquished all parenting duties to him. Prior to the move the boyfriend went back to his wife and she has been doting mother of the century ever since. Needless to say, I think his son has deep rooted issues because of this (He's really a great kid!).

That being said, ending our relationship is not an option at this time. I have decided that we will hold off having all of the kids involved until his situation with her is resolved. He knows I have no ability to control his situation but I will be there to support him. Thank you again, I will keep you all posted.

[hhaw]

C:

What did the expd wife DO to run off your bf's last girlfriend?

[Christy22]

Hi Hhaw!!

Like I said in my previous post, they are in a small town and all know one another.  Expd wife reached out to bf's last girlfriend’s ex-husband in an effort to start drama.  She also spread rumors about bf's last girlfriend.  She told their son and my bf “I don’t want MY son at that **tch’s house”

Expd wife gave their son the third degree, harassing him to tell her every inch that BF and last girlfriend did. She constantly dumped their son off on him on their date nights (She had done that with us but we have agreed that kids come first and it was never a problem for us as we discussed that the kids come first and when that would happen we would reschedule our date).  That was a major problem with his last girlfriend as she wanted him to tell his expd wife that he was not going to take their son as it was their date night.

He and I have not hung out with the kids since my last post and I’m sure bet it is irritating her that she cannot get any information from their son; as he tells her nothing.  All he says to her is that dad has a girlfriend.

Expd wife showed up unannounced Friday night to drop off a toy for their son (Which he never touched).  I feel like she keeps coming over unannounced to see if I am there.  Like I said, I am from the city and NO ONE knows me or of me (Not the soccer moms, not the townies, not the PTA…. only his friends/coworkers know me but do not talk to her).

*Sorry for the misprint: Expd wife was due to move 1500 miles away with her married boyfriend (In August of 2019 not 2018)*

[hhaw]

C:

You seem somewhat undisturbed by your SO's ex's disruptive, chaotic, sabotaging conduct against SO, his son,and whomever SO is dating.

I invite you to apply the word RELENTLESS to ex PD's conduct, and also the word ESCALATE.  IME the PDs have unnatural energy for their irrational missions.  They rarely tire, back down, or come to their senses.  I've never seen one do the rigth thing for their children's sake, and they often will ruin themselves in order to ruin their ex.

This isn't rational.   It's difficult to believe or understand unless you've lived it.  It puts a weight and stress on everything, all the time, IME.  It's a never ending type of curse, and it's likely not anything anyone would choose if they fully understood what they were up against, IME.

You've staked a claim to this relationship with SO.  You're young, and feeling strong.  Please know that strength comes and goes.  It wears down.  It lags under years of pressure, and sustained conflict and attack.  The ex will eventually get your information.  She'll eventually try to poison the people you work with and love anyway she can.  She'll smear you anyway she can and you likely haven't seen what she's capable of or the extent she'll go.  She likely doesn't know what extent she's willing to go.

I'm not trying to convince you to do anything.  I just want you to have the facts to base your decisions on.   
Good luck,

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Christy,

Wow- you certainly have your hands full! :-)  You have gotten a ton of great advice, and caution in all of the responses so far!  I echo all of those sentiments.  I met my DH 8 years ago, and BM was really brutal.  I refused to have any contact with BM for more than a year after DH and I started dating.  I felt like I needed to protect myself from her bad mouthing me to my SKs, I had the ability to always respond, "I'm not sure why your mom would say that, she hasn't met me and doesn't' know me".  I realized for our situation, this was a brilliant move on my part.  The first time I met BM face to face was in court, when she was suing DH for custody.  The judge forced BM and I to sit in a room together, alone, after the hearing was done.  It was bizarre, and as expected she spent the time trying to convince me that DH was the devil.  DH and our families were panicking for me the whole time I was in the room with her.  But- that is the ONE time she has had my undivided attention, and she wasted it.  She is not allowed to contact me in ANY form (she has written me nasty letters through actual postal mail, I think she thinks this is a loop hole, but it's really just more evidence for us)  Actually, the last one- I knew it was from her when I picked up the envelope, even though there was nothing on the outside.  I handed it to DH and said, "I think this is from BM and I have no interest in reading it".  I read it...but like 6 months later.    All of that is to say- protect yourself, you know what she is capable of doing, she did it to the last GF.  Your BF should be supporting you in every aspect of these decisions for yourself. 

In regards to the BF's son.  It seems like the son likes you if xw is not interfering right?  Maybe the term "girlfriend" is being used in such a negative way, and his son thinks it will upend his world.  When the opportunity presents, it might be worth just explaining to the son what a girlfriend really means.  It just means it is someone that you enjoy being around, and that enjoys being around you.  Someone who is kind to you and cares about you.  It doesn't have to be this big scary thing for him.  I don't think DH and I ever "announced" we were dating, I was just a friend to DH/kiddos that got along great with all of them. 

Definitely make sure that this relationship, involving xw, is something you can handle.  She does not sound like she is going to back down.  It WILL be hard, you can NOT fix it, you have to endure it.  Some days you will feel like you can't breath and you can't get away from her...even if you never see her, she will be everywhere.  She will likely try to ruin every major event, holiday and vacation until BF's son is at least 18.  The posts here aren't cautioning you lightly, we all know how brutal a life with an angry PD can be,and assuming she is a PD....she sounds like she is going to be a huge challenge.  I have worried about BM wiping out our finances, ruining our careers, going after my family, having DH arrested under false charges, harming to kids to get back at DH....real...big....issues!  On the flip side, many of us have made the choice to endure, and we don't resent that choice- but we are actively here getting support because some days are just dark and we truly need the support and can't do it alone.   I honestly think I have PTSD from BM, which sounds so crazy since I don't even talk to her!

I also agree that your BF needs to put down some boundaries with BM.  You need to keep as much of your lives private so she can't meddle.  He may also want to document in an email the negative things she has said to him about you and for him to put his foot down and say, "we are divorced and we are both free to start relationships with other people.  Please stop saying bad things to son about Christy, as they are inaccurate and hurtful to everyone. "  I imagine you guys may land in court at some point, so it is worth starting the documentation process now.  She'll likely spit vile back, but then you have it in writing.

Good Luck- we are all here to help :-)

[Penny Lane]

Christy,
That context makes a lot more sense. The ex is upset because her boyfriend left her and because she can't find out about you (aka terrorize you). The son is having a really tough time, his mom is jerking him around and lying to him and he's struggling to make sense of it all. AND she's trying to mess with his routines which seems to be extra hard for a kid with autism.

Did you see the therapist and did they have any suggestions? You're doing a lot of stuff right: Correctly identifying the problem, no-kid hangouts while you work stuff out, therapy. Good stuff!

I am generally on board with this advice:

Another friend (Who is a therapist) said that he needs to pull away from her and have little contact, tell her he is not listening to her yelling and needs to go back to court to modify their custody agreement. she said his ex is emotionally abusing his son and he needs to protect himself and his son and create boundaries.  She said that he is "treating her like a friend when she is not" and she disagrees with him hanging with my kids as "They will bond with a man that will never blend families."

My only quibble, I think this friend  might not understand how hard it is to modify a custody agreement - and the best custody agreement in the world can't force her to behave. He should talk to a lawyer about the feasibility and strategy of that before he goes down that road. I agree that the ex is emotionally abusing the son - but sometimes the only thing you can really do is give them a soft landing. Maybe she's right and he could get a modification - just make sure it's worth it.

But anyway, the bottom line is: This is how his ex is, and she will 99.9% most likely always behave this way. It will be a drain on you, him, his son and your kids. It just will and it sucks.

Your boyfriend's son needs him to set boundaries with his ex. You need him to do this. If your kids are involved in any way, they need him to set these boundaries too. And like it or not they are involved. Who knows, she could track you down online and show up at your house. She will involve them if she can, no matter how hard you try to keep them out of it.

Unfortunately you can't make him set these boundaries. I tried so hard to do this with my now-husband. I KNEW it would be better for everyone. But ultimately I realized he had to come to the conclusion on his own. And he did, and our lives were so much better.

With that caveat, there are two boundaries I would want him to set IMMEDIATELY if I were you:
- She cannot come by his house, ever, without explicit permission from him. If she comes unannounced, he doesn't open the door, no matter what she says is the reason. If she won't leave, he calls the police.
- No in-person conversations, especially in front of the son. If she tries to talk to him about ANYTHING: "please send me an email." The son should NOT have to hear these awful discussions. He can't control what she says to him in private but he can refuse to participate in it.

I would also seriously consider him implementing a period of time after which he won't make parenting time changes. Like, she has to give him at least a week's notice if she wants him to take the son on his day. I don't think it's good for his son to be bounced around like this. I know she will tell the son "your dad doesn't want to see you" - but she's already saying that. She's using the son as a weapon, and it's not good for his schedule to change because of that. I agree that kids come first - but dropping everything to bail out his ex makes him basically a babysitter, it's not necessarily even good for the son. I don't say this because I think you need to have your date night. I say it because it will lead to stability and consistency and ultimately that's what kids need. Your bf doesn't have to explain why, he just says "sorry I'm busy I would love to take him but I can't." (even if "can't" isn't because he's busy, it's because he wants to create more stability.)

More broadly, and I know this is not easy, try to not care what she says. I know the things she says are so awful, but they're not true and you know they're not true and I think it will be easier for you to handle her if you just treat it as noise. You DO have to care if she tells the son something that needs to be responded to. But avoiding doing an action because "The ex will say this or that" gives her WAY too much power. As you've seen, she'll trash talk you for ANYTHING and she won't care if she has to make it up or not. So, why behave in a way to avoid her trash talking? I think a shift in attitude there on your boyfriend's part could help you guys both handle this.  If he sets those boundaries I suggested, he is going to hear unbelievably hateful things - but, in the long run, everyone's life will be better.

One more thing: Like I said, your kids are involved whether you want them to be or not. I know my husband's ex would not hesitate to use someone's child against them. ESPECIALLY if that someone were me. So, take care of your kids and shield them from this as much as possible. Unfortunately that might mean taking it slower than you would otherwise in terms of moving in together or otherwise getting more serious. But I think you will be glad you prioritized boundaries and privacy over moving the relationship forward.

GOOD LUCK! Many of us have been there and are still where you are. It sucks but it sounds like you're handling it with some amount of grace and perceptiveness, which is pretty good I think.