BM lapsed the insurance again

[athene1399]

Just venting. lol SO took SD to get glasses and an eye exam the other day. Guess who decided not to tell him until he was in the waiting room that the insurance was not renewed? BM knew since last week SO was taking SD to get glasses. Anyway, he decided just to pay for the exam and glasses out of pocket again. He probably can't be reimbursed by Medicaid since BM's listed as the primary parent on the account. And if he gives the receipt to her, she'll get reimbursed from them and not pay SO for any of it.

BM of course claimed that it didn't lapse. She also said "it should be good until the 10th, but for some reason it just won't work" [paraphrase].  But according to her, that's not a lapse.

There were a few things that didn't make sense though. SD's been on the Medicaid/Fidelis insurance for about three-four years. This is the first time BM said anything about there being a renewal fee she couldn't pay. She tries to get SO to reimburse her for any small thing. I can't understand why she never asked to split this with him before. Unless the fee is for just for BM's Medicaid (because she has it too) and not SD's. BM gave SO the site for where to renew and pay, but it's in BM's name so SO couldn't do anything anyway. 

We thought we wouldn't start anything with making SO in charge of the insurance since BM didn't have a job that offered insurance. We totally forgot that she forgets to renew the Medicaid this time of year. So now SO's trying to figure out if he can be made in charge of SD's Medicaid without changing the court order.  Maybe since BM's broke she won't mind letting SO be in charge and re-upping it. I think SD will have to do it herself in a few months when she turns 19, but she usually has her primary visit this time of year as well. It's just so frustrating because this happens so frequently.

[Penny Lane]

Oh man. When BM's insurance lapsed she lied about all kinds of things. First she said it was a clerical error, then she blamed the ACA (?), then she said it was H's fault for not paying more child support than he was ordered to, then she said it was the insurance company's fault for changing the deadline for the payment, then finally she acknowledged that it had lapsed months ago but said she'd already signed them up for new insurance, then it turned out she had not signed them up for new insurance at all. It was a nightmare. Every year when new cards come in I am thankful that the kids are on our insurance now.

At least from my experience, anything your BM says about the insurance lapse, she's lying.

Can SD  push off the annual appointment until after she can sign herself up for Medicaid? I think it's reasonable for your H to say, I'm not paying out of pocket costs for routine things that could be delayed until you fix this. Obviously if there's an emergency, still go to the doctor. I'm thinking just for like, stuff that it's no big deal to push off for a couple months.

What a debacle! If she were younger I would say, NOW is the time to push to have her on your insurance. But it seems like you're right, it's not worth it now, you just have to deal with the shitshow until SD can sign herself up. Sorry you have to deal with this.

[athene1399]

It's ok. I just hate that when we were discussing this over the summer SO and I totally forgot this happens every year. Like we wrote it off as not an important issue. I'm more mad at us than BM because we should have expected this.

I know SD can push back the primary visit because we've done that in the past (last year when it lapsed lol), but we weren't even sure how much was covered with vision. And it's good once every two years for vision, so hopefully she can use it next time instead so it will even out (in theory). Like if we  pay this year, we hopefully won't have to pay for glasses next year.

And the insurance didn't lapse...SD just doesn't have any right now. lol BM will not admit it's a lapse. I almost want to text her a definition of "lapse" every year. But we may just ride it out until SD is 19 and show her how to do it herself if BM won't let us switch it to SO as the primary parent. By the time we go to court over it, SD will be 19 anyway and it will be pointless. I'm thinking just keep this on the running tab of what BM can't pay for (on top of the glasses from last year), and if she takes us to court over something stupid, we can show what she hasn't paid for outweighs whatever she is asking for.

[athene1399]

And SD is mandated by the university to have health insurance. So she kind of needs it to stay in school. Maybe that's the leverage we need for BM to let SO be in charge of this going forward. Who knows. I'm sure she'll have an excuse, story, or whatever why he can't do it.

[athene1399]

SD and I set her up with a login for her insurance and I went to payment options and it says she has an account that doesn't get charged. So I'm guessing (but don't know for certain) that BM's account is the one that needs to be paid. SO called the state (becasue after that message it left a number to call) and they won't even talk to him because BM doesn't have him listed as a parent. My friend uses the same insurance for her SS and she said her H had to put his ex's info on there, so maybe our BM told the state that she didn't know where SO was or something so she could leave him off. So there's nothing we can do unless SO can get BM to add him. And he didn't want to talk to her about it. She claimed she would pay the fee this Friday, so hopefully SD has insurance by then. We told SD as of now there's nothing we can do. She was upset. But I told her I think she can start taking care of it herself when she turns 19. So at least now she has her own login so in the future she can tell if she has active insurance before we go anywhere. And I think she'll do a better job than BM at making sure her insurance doesn't lapse.

[Penny Lane]

Oh yes, the old "leave the other parent off of medical forms" trick. BM continues to do this, even as like yours she doesn't pay bills and doesn't tell H about them, sometimes ever. So frustrating.

The good thing is - SD is an adult. This is good practice for her to advocate for herself to her mom. She can insist that her mom pay the fee or add her dad to the account. And she'll be really motivated to because of university. Hopefully it works out.

[athene1399]

SO actually put the pressure on BM last night. He ask when she was going to get it fixed and explained to her that we created a login to pay SD's account and we couldn't get anywhere. Then he told her he called the insurance company and the state and neither would talk to him. She was like "oh..." Then she promised she'd take care of it. So we will have to see if it's on by the end of the week or not. At least now we have a login (well, it's SD's) but we can check if the insurance is still active before we take her anywhere instead of having to rely on BM to notify us if it is not active. Because she never does.

The next hurtle will be SO telling BM he's claiming SD on his taxes. We're paying a lot out of pocket for SD to go to college this year so figured he should finally be the one to claim her. I bet that's going to go over well. 

[athene1399]

Minor blowup from BM today. She was mad that SD was mad that she didn't have insurance when SO took her to get glasses. Apparently SD gave BM a hard time so it's SO's fault? BM sent a long nastygram. She hasn't done this in a while. It was basically [paraphrasing] "How dare you tell SD I lapsed the insurance when it will backdate. How dare you let her think I am irresponsible. Since you wouldn't take her to the doctor this week, I had to pay for all these prescriptions even though I am broke. I am nice enough to let you know that you can send the vision receipt to Medicaid to get reimbursed. SD is NOT an adult, so you should not concern with whether or not she has insurance. I was wiling to give you my SS# so you could pay my bill to reactivate the insurance and you never responded..." 

The thing with the doctor is SD got a sinus infection earlier this week. Since SO isn't on the Medicaid account anything he pays for will not be reimbursed even if it does backdate. Every time in the past BM has lapsed the insurance, SO and I won't take SD to the doctor. Part of it is they sometimes refuse to see her without proof of insurance. Part of it is we know if we have to pay out of pocket for anything we will not be reimbursed by medicaid. The thing with the prescriptions is BM will be reimbursed by Medicaid for them. I'm also sure what BM paid for the prescriptions are nothing compared to the glasses SO just bought (which he will not get reimbursed by BM or the insurance company for). BM still owes him for her half of the glasses for last year. We don't want to know BM's SS#. And we tried to get SD reactivating by creating her a Fidelis account and it wouldn't let us make a payment. Then SO contacted the state and they wouldn't do anything because he's not listed as a parent. Explaining any of this to her will do nothing but prolong the argument.  SO already told BM earlier this week he tried to contact the state to pay and they wouldn't help him.

SO's not sure what he wants to do. He not sure if we should pursue court to get him in charge of the insurance. Or if should just say "This is what I paid for glasses. Medicaid won't reimburse me. You still owe me x from last year when I got glasses for SD. I will keep track of your monthly premiums for SD's insurance until it evens out, then I will start paying my half. I will not deduct the prescriptions from this until you show me Medicaid is not reimbursing you for them. Until I see a denial letter, I will assume they will reimburse you." AS of right now he just doesn't want to deal with her or the situation. I'm writing it out here and then I will be done with it as well. I told him we need to have some communication with BM about what he paid and why he isn't going to pay his half of the prescriptions. If he chooses not to do that, the consequences are not my problem. I know it can be frustrating to deal with, but ignoring it makes it worse. Sometimes dealing with it makes it worse, but at least that leaves a written record that your tried. It's just same crap different year. I feel like banging my head off a wall (and this is so minor compared to what others are going through. I feel guilty for saying that). Three more years until SD is 21 and the insurance order is no longer valid... We're almost there.

[Penny Lane]

"How dare you let her think I'm irresponsible" lol ... our BM too was recently talking about how she wants the kids to know she's not irresponsible (and somehow it's H's fault if they think she is). Is there like some meeting they go to in order to figure out their next crazy action? This month it was "why it's your ex's fault that the kids have noticed how irresponsible you are."

I'm with you on the boundaries message, that's very good. Even better is to wash your hands of it and let SO handle the whole thing!

If he's waffling, you can tell him that when DH started sending that kind of assertive message, he actually ended up communicating with BM less, not more. Silence she would use as an opening to complain about how he won't communicate with her. But assertiveness, she doesn't know how to handle and she just retreats.

[athene1399]

If he's waffling, you can tell him that when DH started sending that kind of assertive message, he actually ended up communicating with BM less, not more. Silence she would use as an opening to complain about how he won't communicate with her. But assertiveness, she doesn't know how to handle and she just retreats.

That is a good point. Thank you! BM does often say "you never responded when I brought up x as an issue" when usually SO addresses it days later. I think she just wants a response immediately. Maye saying something like "i am considering our options. I will get back to you soon" could help there.

He did decide to respond (it was a type of JADE, but he didn't care). He just said [paraphrase] "I did not tell SD that you lapsed the insurance. I was getting my eye exam when SD was at the counter running her insurance card. They told her the insurance was inactive. Since you told me this was going on while I was getting my exam, it was easier for me to just pay out of pocket then try to figure everything out. Then a day later, we tried to set up SD with a login but it wouldn't let us pay. I called the insurance who told me to call the state. When I did, they wouldn't talk to me because I'm not listed. I told you all of this and you said "oh. I see"(he actually sent the screen shot of this conversation). I just want you to make sure you don't lapse her insurance again." 

Then she [paraphrasing] called him a liar. Said he lied about things 8 years ago when they split up, saying he told people lies about why they spit. Then she yelled at him for not supporting her over the last  8 years (there is no court ordered alimony for either of them. He actually could have gotten money from her when they divorced but chose not to do it). Then she said she doesn't owe him a dime. Then she sent a meme  that said "i can't. I am walking my pet unicorn." 

He was baffled about the "I don't owe you a dime" and "i can't..." meme. He was like "I didn't ask for money and I didn't ask her to do anything." i was like "well maybe she assumed you were asking for BM's half of the glasses when you told her you paid out of pocket and you did say "please don't lapse her insurance again", so maybe that's what she's saying she can't do?" We were kind of laughing at this point because what she responded with was just so ridiculous and immature. It didn't really make sense.

So at that point she was still sending nasty grams so SO asked that she please stop texting him. She eventually did. Then the next day she actually apologized for being a jerk (ironically somewhere in her rant she said how nice she was being to him). So we're hoping this can lead to a conversation about SO being put in charge of SD's insurance. He and I are working on phrasing for that. If we can get her to agree to it, it would prevent all this crap (haha hopefully). There's an argument every year after she lapses the insurance. SO and I were discussing options after her rant and he said he does not want to go to court to get him in charge of the insurance. So hopefully since it's clear that keeping SD's insurance active is stressful for BM, maybe she won't mind letting SO take it over. If she agrees, we can make the change without changing the current order. But who knows. We think she likes feeling important and her being in charge of the insurance makes her feel important. But now there is a monthly fee for SD's insurance so it is more likely she will lapse each month instead of just once a year (It's minimal, but I think it will still be a problem for BM to pay. As of right now we are balancing SO's half from what BM owes him for the glasses the last two years). But the other good news is since we created the login for SD, she can go on and see if her insurance is active before we take her to any next appointment. That will be better than finding out in the waiting room the insurance isn't active. So that's a good outcome at least. Fingers crossed we're able to take it over.

[Penny Lane]

Is your SO offering to take over the insurance and pay the whole thing each month, or would he ask BM to reimburse him for half?

[athene1399]

He offered to take it over and kept it vague on the payback. Mainly because I would hate to take this over then she buys something minor and expects half. Maybe that's part of our problem. He just said we can talk about your half later once you get a permanent job (which is the eve of never). At first she said "that is great. I will add you to the account right away." Then a second later she said "never mind. I won't have problems paying this going forward. I don't want half from you either since you are paying for SD's housing." [paraphrasing]. I think she did the math and realized the half is less than $5. Or she found a new angle that we haven't figured out yet. Or maybe she isn't trying to run a scam and just wanted to try to be responsible and prove to SD she can do it (since SD called her out on being irresponsible). It's weird too because in the past she wouldn't let expenses like this count on our end (like with the advance classes we paid for SD, she won't let that go against what she was paying for the insurance at her past job). And we're fine with that because it's only medical we have to split on the order. And she can't really afford to do that anyway.

I guess in a few months or when she loses this temp job we can try again. Do you think next time we offer to just pay it and say you don't have to pay us back? Maybe then she will let it go? I mean she owes SO enough for the glasses, so I doubt she'd ever purchase anything to even that out. Maybe we're being too petty. I just hate how she buys something and demands half when she technically owes us. We don't expect her half ever, we just don't want her asking us to pay for something when she technically owes us. Maybe that's not the right way to do it. IDK.

I'm also going to keep track of how much she is paying monthly so that if it does even out what she owes for the glasses from the past two years, SO can start paying her again. I like keeping things even and fair, but maybe that's my problem. Does anyone have any thoughts? Or suggestions?