Will there ever be betterment?

[Happiness_3]

It's been about twenty days since I last saw the uNPDx. I still find myself wondering, what happens of them when they lose their supply? I put him in psychological counselling and psychiatric treatment before I went NC, and I heard he was still taking it regularly. Will they ever get better? I'm sure this is a common feeling - but sometimes you see that they're trying so hard to not cave into their disorder, they try to rise up (in the ways they think are acceptable) and there's the rare occasion of a (seemingly) genuine apology. Do any of you have experience with NPDs getting better? I know this is wishful thinking, but it's fresh for me to a point where I still believe we may be in contact in the future in a healthy way. Am I stupid for considering it?

[SonofThunder]

Hello Happiness,

I am of the opinion, based on much reading on the subject, that a true personality disorder occurs due to underdevelopment in childhood formative years.  Therefore, further development does not occur.  But, from what i have read, only DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) can facilitate (not cure imo) certain behavioral changes with personality disorders.

Problem is, personality disordered individuals resist/refuse therapy and from what ive read, some psych docs are unable to work properly with these disordered people, for the same trait-reasons we experience. 

In my own experiences with my uNPDf (and hopeful now toward my uPDstbxw), we can experience a 'betterment' alteration in our relationship with a personality disordered family member or spouse by our legal self-protective actions.

In my case, my uPDfather will always be FOO (unchosen) and I, being his son am in relationship circle 2 (my mother is circle 1 which is more intense in experience).  I was legally bound to my father as a minor and then as an adult in the FOG, he cleverly positioned himself legally with me in business, through investment.  I continued to experience the relationship circle 2 traits until after coming Out of the FOG, I ended our legally bound business relationship.

Having done that, I now experience the relationship 3 (how he treats his sisters) levels of PD trait behaviors.  Its much improved for me, and with the toolbox, and no legal connections to manipulate, our relationship is better by that one relationship circle outward step.

Now, with my uPDstbxw, im at relationship circle 1 (chosen/husband), and im hoping that with no future legal connection (my kids are grown), i will move to relationship circle 2 after a divorce and I will settle for that experience.  Again, these theories are all based on my experiences and completely my opinion. 

Because my wife's original lovebombing (over 3 decades ago) was to acquire a caretaker-husband, I never expect to experience the kindness from her, that i experienced in our dating pre-marriage years.  But the next guy sure will 😉.

SoT

[Happiness_3]

SoT, thank you for your response. It pains me to see that we, despite having faced a circle before, find ourselves falling right into another one. I'm truly sorry that you had to go through that, but I'm also glad that you seem to be Out of the FOG. I'm not there yet, the fear and obligation are slowly going but the guilt is really difficult to shake off. I don't necessarily feel responsible for his pain anymore, but to detach from him while he seemingly remains in it seems so absurd to me. I will, one day, surely be happy. And he probably never will experience it, and when he does he won't be able to recognise it at all. It's truly accursed, this disease they go through. I can't help but feel like I got the short end of the stick, the good side of the things. I loved somebody before who was also a uNPD, and he was really an unlikeable soul because he simply would not feel guilt, and he wouldn't even pretend to feel it. I don't know what's worse of the two. One who simply doesn't recognise a problem, or one who does, and still continues to do it. The part that hurts is that at the very base of it all, all they need is love - while never knowing what it is or how to reciprocate it. It is the one thing they will forever yearn and long for, and to accept that I gave it my all, the absolute, very best I had, and it still wasn't enough would be the biggest step in recovery. It should speak volumes to me about how insidious it is to even try. But I wish there was a way they could resolve it. I'm not religious, but I find myself aching to pray recently. Anyone suddenly turned into a believer after their abuse? Is this also c-PTSD? 

[1footouttadefog]

What is true about your relationship remains true regardless if whether they become well or improved.  An apology does not change your reality either.  It could actually make things worse.  Why could they not have gotten better while we were still together, why could I not have been valued earlier, Do they really mean it is this another game. 


I hope your x does indeed get better.  I hope you heal and move forward as well regardless.  The 3Cs rule applies here.