Projection - in writing... how do they react??

[rockandhardplace]

I've started calling him out when he's being abusive. Things have been so bad for 3 years that we only communicate by email or text. Recently, his response to me calling him abusive is predictably to call me abusive. His latest projection was just unreal. I am the abusive one and it has to stop then something about me having no empathy and how he would feel such remorse if he was doing what I was doing to him. This is a man who told me I overreacted to having cancer. The only time I've heard him talk about empathy was to criticise me for not showing empathy when my friends ex husband told her he wants to destroy her. This is despite knowing this guy had agreed their relationship was over. A while ago I started to list all his behaviours that are abusive. He always ignores and tries to deflect with more criticisms / character attacks or verbal abuse. I have so many emails where he has called me horrible names, constant criticisms, character attacks. I've read so much about NPD I'm sure he's covert, but with some other pathology. But he has a really good job. I can't understand how anyone could see the evidence of their abuse and / or projections in writing and still deny?? He gets more and more vicious when I won't accept his projections.  This one just seems so far away from reality that I could never have been sucked into it like I was for years defending his ridiculous projections. He's been abusing me for years and has never had any empathy for anything I've ever been through and has never ever shown remorse for any of his behaviours. Even calling me the lowest of the lowest he defended after saying it was justified because I had no career - stay at home mother to his 3 children, back at un - the latest trigger for his rage. Anyway, after the projection I asked him to tell me what I was doing that he thought was abusive. Silence. I can't figure out if this is something I should push because I don't believe anyone could be able to deny what's there in writing or if that will throw him into such a rage that his abuse gets physical?

[Happiness_3]

I'm really sorry to hear this is happening to you. You are, first of all, not the lowest of the lowest and it is not a matter of shame to be taking care of children and yourself. That's a wonderful thing to do, so I hope his words didn't get to you. Covert narcs are often way more believable than we are in public settings so it is fairly easier to believe them over us. My uNPDx got a friend of mine to turn against me, even though the friend was mine to begin with, I introduced them to each other. Said friend would come to my house and interrogate me about why I'm lying about my issues, how I need to stop abusing him and let him live his life, how I have no remorse for treating him so badly after all his trauma. I was confused, but realised what my abuser was doing was catching and learning vocabulary from me mentioning to him what he does, and regurgitating the story with our names changed. It wasn't even in different order, the claims that I heard. He was projecting himself while mirroring me and that was scary to watch. Overall, what I learned was when we tell them what they're doing wrong, we're giving them material to use against us. Our words are ammunition.
I would suggest going through the JADE article in the toolbox. (I for some reason am unable to attach the link.) When he responds with the things you do that are abusive, try not to JADE. Because it will fall on flat ears and tire you out.
I hope you feel better soon. Love and luck. 

[rockandhardplace]

Oh wow, that mirroring had not even occurred to me but he is using all the language I've used to describe what he's done to me. And the other day I was listening to an audio book talking about empathy, actually I did feel like I should turn it off around him as he uses everything he can against me. I didn't know how at the time, but I just felt uneasy that he's knowing I'm interested in that. It was Brene Browns book about emotions. It's so sick that I could sense that he was going to twist that interest into some kind of projected criticism. If it wasn't for the insane damage he's doing to me and his kids I would feel sorry for him, he's not a real person, just someone whose constantly on the look out for ways to hurt me.
That's so toxic that yours turned a friend against you. Mine would try, but my friends hate him. But I still feel nervous that he's going to make up some crap that someone will fall for. Mainly I worry about what he says to my kids when I'm not around - he denigrated me in front of them for years and I couldn't see what was happening, but I don't know what happens when I'm not around.
going to look for that JADE now!

I'm really sorry to hear this is happening to you. You are, first of all, not the lowest of the lowest and it is not a matter of shame to be taking care of children and yourself. That's a wonderful thing to do, so I hope his words didn't get to you. Covert narcs are often way more believable than we are in public settings so it is fairly easier to believe them over us. My uNPDx got a friend of mine to turn against me, even though the friend was mine to begin with, I introduced them to each other. Said friend would come to my house and interrogate me about why I'm lying about my issues, how I need to stop abusing him and let him live his life, how I have no remorse for treating him so badly after all his trauma. I was confused, but realised what my abuser was doing was catching and learning vocabulary from me mentioning to him what he does, and regurgitating the story with our names changed. It wasn't even in different order, the claims that I heard. He was projecting himself while mirroring me and that was scary to watch. Overall, what I learned was when we tell them what they're doing wrong, we're giving them material to use against us. Our words are ammunition.
I would suggest going through the JADE article in the toolbox. (I for some reason am unable to attach the link.) When he responds with the things you do that are abusive, try not to JADE. Because it will fall on flat ears and tire you out.
I hope you feel better soon. Love and luck.