What is real anymore?

[Nohigherjoy]

this is a constant emotional roller coaster . I've read "stop caretaking the borderline narcissist" and "stop walking on eggshells". He is def undiagnosed bpd and will not seek further treatment. Everything is my fault. I'm trying to stay out of denial and bargaining. I've done really well at strategies to affirm his feelings and Al's make my feelings known. He can often be very normal and enjoyable.

Back story- I was previously married 22 years with 4 children. I've been re-married to bpd  5 years. Husband moved in with all 4 of my kids still at home. HIs kids are adults in another state. For 5 years, my husband has been grieving the life he left behind. He retired when he married me and moved to my home (a different state). I totally understand this is a huge life change especially for a man. I'm extremely compassionate and empathetic, but I'm exhausted. He thinks I put the kids first before him- sometimes I do. I'm human and I'm basically a single mom. He is hands off emotionally with the kids. He is fun a jovial with them when we play game night, but no attempt at any relationships with them. He works 2 flexible part time jobs that keep him busy. I'm so tired of hearing him tell me this is not his home or his family. Those are his exact words- always despondent in tears. And it is somehow my fault. This is so hurtful - I know it's the emotions/mental illness talking . I just told him I've reached my limit and he can no longer say that to me- I am his wife and God chose him to be in our family. Anyone have wisdom or other strategies to respond. Seriously, he emotionally drains me. I love him dearly and he can be such a joy, but this pit of despair is killing me. A lot of daily criticisms of me or my children - all said to me alone without kids around. He's committed and not planning on leaving me. I'm just hurt by the constant drama, criticisms and despair. I totally see it coming a lot of the time- he's a perfectionist and wants to be a better husband and father- when he starts beating himself up, it suddenly turns on criticizing me and a long litany of my wrongs. I'm learning to affirm and state how I feel and how I we things. And then I have to disengage and leave the room or I get sucked into the bottomless pit of despair.  We were in marriage counseling 5 years and I finally stepped out of it bc it became him crying most of the sessions and telling counselor all his grievances. I said we should grow in individual therapy separately- now he's backing out of his once a month counseling sessions. How do you live in this type of relationship when they refuse to get help? I was hopeful he'd have someone to talk to- not expecting huge changes, but someone he could talk to besides me. But, that's the whole point, isn't it? He wants to put it all on me and he doesn't want to tell anyone else the perceived grievances if I'm not present! What is real sorrow and grief and what is manipulation to get me to listen and be his punching bag for all his crap?  Thanks for listening.

[falsebalance2]

Hey!

I would suggest you keep a journal and a calendar.

Write a list of things he truly contributes to your relationship.

Write out your peeves if you can.

Mark your calendar in codes - Like blue for days he cried and red for days he was angry - and yellow for days he didn't contribute. Pay attention to your days like your birthday and how he acts.


I say this after years and years of this - I am having such a hard time severing the trauma bond that I flood with elation just because he isn't being mean for 10 minutes - then I start to think it isn't really that bad.

He started out that way with the depression and all of the excuses - and eventually I nearly lost my sanity thanks to cognitive dissonance from my life revolving around his moods. I had to change thanks to ever moving goal posts and eventually lost sight of any joy.

I started to believe I was the problem. I used to be so strong and independant. He had me to the point I believed there was something very wrong with me. He waited until it got to thay point and then he relaxed too much and started treating me worse and worse.

That was when I reached out to friends to let them know I had this disorder and they emphatically said NO YOU DON'T - he has worn you down to nothing over all these years. This isn't you!

Like the book says you'll have to start evaluating yourself and why you like this relationship and what YOU want and then do it.

That is my opinion as I boldly walk out of this heavy fog!

PS

Mine says the same thing about the house and kids not being his - and they are both his. Interesting....

I believe it is because he doesn't want the responsibility but then can't stand feeling left out. They want their cake and to eat it too.