Discard

[Discovelpis]

Its been years since my spouse has told me things going on in his life besides the ordinary. How's work? "It's work... Ya know, stressful." Everything is completely surface. I started therapy about 6 months ago after I had realized I had been grey rocking and was running out of energy to maintain myself. Everything was just run down.

Since then, he's gotten more distant but has also... Opened up more about things I have confessed to struggling with in our "therapy sessions" which were actually just conversations we had where I was talking and he was giving me his counsel. (Don't worry. I'm in actual therapy).

I am not a codependent person. I never have been. When I had my aha moment (realized after almost a decade that I have no control of almost anything in my life, and it changed immediately.) I did some soul searching and I knew there was no coming back from the years of damage that had been done in this relationship. Looking back, I could immediately pinpoint things from before we were married that should have been warnings. It triggered resentments.

Regardless of intent, there's no coming back from it. He knows things have changed. I'm not his favorite person anymore. It's obvious it's someone else now. But his image to the outside will forever be the knight in shining armor.

I don't know that he would initiate a discard though. I don't know if he would actually say it. Does that leave it up to me? If I do it, I'm terrified of the aftermath, the smear campaign, the cold calculating anger I know he's capable of.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome to this informative and supportive space!

Sounds like your relationship has cooled off and become more like housemates. What  keeps you in this relationship? What makes you suspect that your partner has a personality problem?

When you are ready to share more, we are here to listen.

[Discovelpis]

My post history has more background. But there has been years of gaslighting, years of isolation. He internalizes all of his emotions into a massive fear of failure and abandonment. It's all been subtle enough for years "honest mistakes" or double standards "we couldn't afford this at this time" when I was planning it (and I'm very budget conscious) "we can afford it now" when he is planning it (he is less budget conscious). He will not open up about himself. His only friends are ones from high school he sees once a year and their conversations are exactly the same every time. I could tell you all the stories they tell. I hear the phrase "we're the same person" regularly. We are not. We are very very different.

What keeps me in this relationship? He controls the finances and I can't work right now because of my health, and I would lose my health insurance. I also don't know if I could handle the aftermath of having the conversation. I'm not expecting a blowup... But it's the subtle things. During the course of our relationship I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ADHD. Living together after that would not be good for my mental health.

[Cascade]

My marriage is similar, in that my husband shares very little with me and I feel more like his roommate than his wife. I've lived with the same double standard regarding finances too, where we can't afford things if it's my idea but he can buy whatever he wants.