Flood of the flying monkeys

[Daughterofnarc]

I recently went no contact with my psychopath mother after learning she was sleeping with my boyfriend to isolate me from him so I wouldn't finish college

Obviously he is responsible too but knowing how my mother is, after years of enduring her bullshit.... it will have been 100% her manipulating him, feeding him lies and trying to groom him against me

The reason I think this? Because I have caught my mother multiple times telling serious lies about me in her covert smear campaigns. Even when caught red handed she denies it. It's bizarre watching how attached she is to lying as a default response. She can be quite convincing and is adept at pulling the 'endearing' mother act in front of an audience whilst behind closed doors she is vindictive and rage filled. She enjoys isolating me, it gives her some sort of narc thrill . How sad

I can't say I'm surprised. My mother masquerades as strong but is actually a weak, pathologically jealous and emotionally unhinged individual. She knows I know this which is why she doesn't like me. She craves my admiration but doesn't deserve it. Very impulsive. Explosive temper. Fragile ego. You get the jist

Of course I dropped the boyfriend when I found out he was cheating on me, which was humiliating enough. It only dawned on me months later after adding up evidence, that it was my mother involved

Looking back there was a moment she brought up presents to me and I felt this weird shiver up my spine as her and my boyfriends eyes met. Awkward. I couldn't put my finger on it but now I know what that was about. She was trying to mask her narcissistic glee. Narc thrill!

Honestly no wonder they both gravitated to each other: they are both insecure and dead inside.

This is why I view insecurity as a huge red flag for narcissism. Wider society always tries to make you feel empathy for insecure people, but this is how they reel you in. They will often downplay themselves, play the victim etc when really they're the grandoise one aggravating

Be very very careful when taking pity on an insecure person. Now in adulthood I observe that most insecure people I come across have a lot of skeletons in the closet they haven't dealt with, hence insecurity

Back to my mom...she is a master groomer. Truly. Flawless performance. I'm quite the cynic and she's fooled me a few times.
Due to her insidious and calculated nature it took some double crossing to catch her out but in the end her narcissistic eyes couldn't fool me anymore. I just saw a sadistic desperate person, who is hellbent on destroying her own offspring out of jealousy .

I have no sympathy for her at this point. Which is a plus. Of course now she's doubling down on the grooming of other siblings because I will not be speaking to her again. I feel she only has more kids because she's burnt her bridges with me. She ruins one and she has to replace her supply

At this point if someone called and said she died , I could not care less. It would be a celebration. She was made my life a misery. Just as I think she can't get worse, she escalates again

To make things more comical she's been telling everybody that will listen that I'm crazy, mentally ill and delusional. That it's paranoia and in my head. Really playing up the innocent act. Poor victim. She's not 'perfect' etc.

But on the phone she covertly admitted she 'knew why I was ignoring her' & 'understood I want space'. Bet. This is all part of her usual innocent mother facade when she's in hot water. I know it well. She was probably scared I was recording her.
Still, the poor narc couldn't muster up an apology bc you know that would mean she'd have to be accountable for once. Throughout my life I've never witnessed her say sorry. It's because she's not.

But why does she 'understand' ?? I thought she didn't do anything!! Oh that's right. The narcissist does understand their violation, they're just super weary you might expose their nature and embarrass them with the truth

The annoying point is she won't actually feel any guilt about it because she's a narcissist. I've seen how she switches masks with ease. The best they can do is feign guilt to cover their own back

Everytime I mentioned his name she would flinch and change the topic. That's how I knew . I know her lying behaviours well by now.

I am so glad I've had my faith to lean on otherwise I would probably go on a rampage or clinically insane. This is all too much.

No doubt he was only using her for a quick bang too. Hope it was worth losing her daughter.

Lesson : trust your instincts . This is incredibly key with narcs because they're a jack of all trades, masters of deception. But if you listen close they leave subtle clues, they enjoy rubbing them in your face:

This was a long overdue decision after years of boundary violations, smear campaigns and abuse.

I would be an idiot not to cut her off after that. It was all planned. Neither was it a one off. She'll have been grooming him for months.

I told her partner about her cheating too, but he's such an enabling door mat he doesn't care to believe me. Good luck to him dealing with the pyschopath!

A part of me feels smug he's so in denial about her because at some point he's going to wake up and realise what she is. After years of him enabling my mothers toxic behaviour, I don't care. I tried.

In a way it's given me the final push, enough is enough.

It does get very isolating have a mother like this. Normally a betrayal of this scale would warrant motherly support but since my mother is the one who violated me I'm left high and dry. It's quite overwhelming

I can't help feeling angry at myself that I could have avoided this by cutting her off sooner. But at the same time what kind of world do I live in where I have to watch out for my jealous mother stealing my boyfriend? How many more violations do I have to watch out for? Women with internalised misogyny of this scale honestly frighten me. And I prefer they stay far away. I do not care for their excuses, they always use insecurity or something to justify their calculated abuse towards other women . The truth is they are self serving narcissists with no backbone: they do it because only what they want matters. They're so impulsive they're no longer in control. The jealousy has seized them beyond rational scope

Because of this I am overly weary around jealous women...because I know how vindictive they can get even when you've done nothing to them. Also I resent them as they make women look weak & disloyal to one another. This in turn makes men more confident with their abuse because they don't think women abide by sister code anymore

Unfortunately in todays modern world there is a lot of jealous women and I don't know about anyone else but I feel female narcissism is on the rise. Over the last few years I've had some really nasty things done to me by women. Female narcissists are exceptionally good at grooming you emotionally before getting the fangs out. They use more insidious methods which are harder to prove . They also seem to take the smear campaigns far and wide.

I just can't imagine putting male validation on such a pedestal you'd sleep with your daughters boyfriend. These women are predators and them being female does not deter from the fact.

Hold female abusers to account!!

Whilst I've also experienced abuse from males, when talking about abuse from females I seem to get discredited more or people make up a 100 excuses for them.
There is widespread disbelief a woman would do that. This in part makes it difficult for victims to be believed & fuels the female narc some more

It seems to cut more deep when a fellow woman cuts me down. They should know better

There was however warning signs. The older she gets the more jealous she has gotten. Think intense stares up and down

She is hyper protective of her partner (who barely tolerates her) and one time she was staring me up and down infront of him as if I was competition? All I can say is .....projection.

This is just one of many toxic  unfulfilling relationships I have seen my mother defend, she doesn't have the capacity to be alone. But I don't think narcs are happy unless they're sucking someone dry

So out of that situation I lost my dignity, my mother, my boyfriend and my college degree.

Traumatised and lost doesn't cover it

But instead of extended family members rushing to support me (this rarely happens in dysfunctional families) I have been met with a flood of flying monkeys instead

All my uncles and aunties have fallen for her lies hook and sinker. They're not interested in seriously entertaining my side since my mother has been secretly smearing me to them for years

It started making me realise how they play a part too: their denial furthers my suffering.

Not one of them offered to take me in when she made me homeless as a child

They have always squirmed and looked the other way

Then my narc golden child sister popped up out of the woodwork; I suspect on the command of my mother. She will lie for my mother on command. Anything to protect her puppet

Finally as an adult, I realised that' my entire family network is dysfunctional and has enabled my mothers abuse

Not one of them has truly defended me so cutting them off isn't a loss

But god is this isolating

It's amazing how much power one narcissist family member can weild over your life . Does it ever end?

I'm exhausted defending myself to the flying monkeys so I'm not doing it any longer. Good bye and farewell!

[bloomie]

Daughterofnarc - hi and welcome.

What deadly betrayal you have experienced in relationship with your mother AND your boyfriend. How crushing this revelation of a relationship between them has to be. The abject lack of good character and out of control rivalry with a daughter is terrible. It is also disturbing to hear that your extended family go along to get along. But, not unusual in a unhealthy family system, like you have noted.

I hope, in time, you will continue to pursue your educational goals and continue toward realizing your dreams. It is understandable this would momentarily derail you, but I trust that as you pursue truth, healing, distance you will reset your focus and push forward in triumph.

You have found a community of fellow travelers. We are all at different stages of healing and discovery supporting each other and pointing each other forward, to health and wholeness.

There are great resources at the drop down menus above, in the insightful posts of others, book recommendations, other online resources and much more. Spend some time settling in and when you are ready, join the conversations taking place here.

I am glad you found us and so very sorry for the devastating and disconnecting choices your mother has made. I am thankful you are reaching out for support and encouragement!

[Daughterofnarc]

Thankyou for your reply

'Out of control rivalry' - exactly that.

The funny thing is I convinced myself I was healing , I hadn't been on this site for years

This incident proved I was not and that in future I must give her no information about my partners, friends or anything to do with my life. They weaponise it.

I realised I still have a problem with keeping boundaries to myself

My mother has a special skill for grooming you when you're weak or lonely

I've realised it's all part of her games and disorder . She's never going to change:

I am so thankful this site exists however, it's been a lifeline for me before. It's the only real place you can vent and be accepted

Even in the therapy world I have seen a naivety about narcissistic parents

I have had therapists belittle me and say 'your mother wouldn't do that' so I'm going to look for a trauma trained therapist instead.

I find in real life , people find my mothers behaviour too shocking. They find it hard to stomach.

Re my education there is a possibility I can transfer credits so I'm going to try that

I just can't help feeling resentful I'm behind but I have to remember I've spent decades dealing with a grade A narcissist. I've done the best I can with little family support

[SonofThunder]

Daughterofnarc - hi and welcome.

What deadly betrayal you have experienced in relationship with your mother AND your boyfriend. How crushing this revelation of a relationship between them has to be. The abject lack of good character and out of control rivalry with a daughter is terrible. It is also disturbing to hear that your extended family go along to get along. But, not unusual in a unhealthy family system, like you have noted.

I hope, in time, you will continue to pursue your educational goals and continue toward realizing your dreams. It is understandable this would momentarily derail you, but I trust that as you pursue truth, healing, distance you will reset your focus and push forward in triumph.

You have found a community of fellow travelers. We are all at different stages of healing and discovery supporting each other and pointing each other forward, to health and wholeness.

There are great resources at the drop down menus above, in the insightful posts of others, book recommendations, other online resources and much more. Spend some time settling in and when you are ready, join the conversations taking place here.

I am glad you found us and so very sorry for the devastating and disconnecting choices your mother has made. I am thankful you are reaching out for support and encouragement!

Another warm welcome here.  So sorry to read about the terrible manipulation you endure from both people.  As Bloomie stated, glad you are reaching out for support and strengthening in self-protection using the Out of the FOG toolbox. 

Talk to you around the boards,

SoT 

[NativeAD]

Welcome to the forum Daughterofnarc.

Many of us in the forum have felt similar things, the anger when a parent becomes a predator and tries to break us down, the loneliness after the forced isolation from them, the mental health professional bills, the hundreds of books read trying to understand what happened to us, the shame talking to other people about it.

Welcome to the new journey, welcome to the rest of your life . There is happiness, peace, joy and fulfillment ahead, but also periods of deep grief, anger, low mood, what if's.

The only way ahead is to go very low contact or no contact for weeks and months, as much as you need, for as long as you need. Focusing on your sef care DAILY is absolutely key to recover from such abuse. Yoga, meditation, sport, long walks, time in peace with yourself, friends, therapy, writing. Consistency is key in self care and mental health. Flashbacks and rumination can be hard, I still suffer them 5 years later, but luckily only  once in a while now. Abuse leaves you in a very dark, nasty, smelly place emotionally and it takes a lot of brightness, clean air, peace, truth and consistency to clean the mess up.

Welcome to the journey and make yourself comfortable. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

[Leonor]

Hello Daughter,

Oh, I absolutely believe and validate your experience; as the daughter of a DX HPD mom, I witnessed seductive, inappropriate, invasive behavior that left my teenage boyfriends in stunned shock while she relished the role of the "cool mom" and I wanted to hide under the furniture.

I'm so sorry you experienced this cruel betrayal and I very much support you in finding a trauma informed therapist; someone who is knowledgeable and compassionate around sexual abuse in particular may also be healing for you.

You are not the daughter of a narcissist - those are the circumstances into which you were born - you are a daughter of life, of the universe, of a higher source of love. Life, love, the world, that is your birthright.

Perhaps your schooling can be put on pause while you center yourself on your healing, but you can do both. The college workload is demanding, but the schedule is open enough to carve out space for therapy, support groups, discovery, meditation, long walks across campus, and enough structure and resources to support you.

And here you have a community of real life, living and breathing survivors who accept you, validate you, and walk alongside you.

[Liketheducks]

I'm so sorry you're in the thick of this.     Welcome to the club know one wants to join, but you're not alone.    None of this is any reflection on you.    Being cheated on is such a world shaking betrayal.....but having your mother as the other woman.....I'm so sorry.  R ally your supportive friends or tribe.   Family doesn't have to be blood.     You will get great support and help here.   

My favorite answer to the perpetual flying monkey question  "How do you sleep at night? Having done this to your MOTHER?"  is "Naked, so ya'll can more easily kiss my &*(".       I, too, have had the cringe-worthy scenes with my PD parents and my partners.     Growing up in such a dysfunctional situation.....you are so much stronger than you think.   You've had to be to survive.  If nothing else, we are a resilient bunch here.  You are going to be ok.   I'm sorry your strength has to be tested in this way.   It is not your fault.   Please treat yourself with all the love and compassion you would a dear friend going through an enormous earth shattering trauma.    You mentioned leaning on your faith.   Can you gain support or counseling within your faith community?      Do whatever you need to do to care for yourself.   What is it about PD parents, jealousy and sabotage?    Shoot, my mom called me a month before my college graduation to let me know that my dad was coming to unalive me.     

Hang in there.   You are worthy of so much more love, compassion, understanding, and respect than you've received from your mom.   

[moglow]

My favorite answer to the perpetual flying monkey question  "How do you sleep at night? Having done this to your MOTHER?"  is "Naked, so ya'll can more easily kiss my &*(".

Perfect. 💜