I told my mother in law I would like to get married

sunshine702 · February 22, 2024, 11:00:04 AM

I guess I did something dumb. I told my mother in law that I would like to marry S. When we lost her husband my feelings changed and I thought you know what are we waiting for? Why not! It was a shocking event that hit me hard too.

I thought she would like that.
I was met with a cold and judge filled " well that's not how the relationship started". And the very Catholic "marriages are to have children"

My partner and I have agreed that we do not want. Me mostly from my mean Narc mom. Marriages can be more than just kids!!

The rejection hurt. She also talked about money and had no idea I put in thousands here and thousands into renovations on the last home to get it to sell. She sort of implied that I have no stake here - something that does worry me.

moglow · February 22, 2024, 11:17:55 AM

Well. She has an opinion; that's all it is. And now you know. It doesn't change you, your SO or your relationship. Don't feel rejected, look at it as a confirmation of what you may have already sensed, and continue on.

Marry or don't, whatever makes the two of you happy. What I wouldn't do is consult or discuss with her further. Should she bring it up, listen if you want then change the subject. It's not open for discussion with her.

[Side note: I don't have children, initially due to fear of becoming my mother and abusing them, and later Nature decided otherwise anyway. My mother has said to me more than once, maybe I'm better off if I never have children. I threw that in the for what it's worth pile - it told me more about her and her mindset, particularly regarding motherhood, than I really ever needed to know. I find I can't un-know that information.]

sunshine702 · February 22, 2024, 01:05:14 PM

You know it didn't even really need to be formal. Just a fake ring and a hug that we are building together. I needed reassurance as this is a big transition for me and received really cold crap from both of them. I have had some job changes and am really weighing things right now. I am week by week really not liking her.

moglow · February 22, 2024, 01:36:16 PM

Sunshine, you might want to consider that she/her views may not be the only problem here. Receiving "really cold crap" when you say you want to marry him isn't abundantly encouraging, however you chose to go about the actual deed. The fact that you're entertaining the idea is big - and they don't seem to see or care. I'm sure there's backstory I've not read yet but still. I don't like it, for you.

Call Me Cordelia · February 22, 2024, 02:13:08 PM

Oh boy. The only appropriate response here is, "Congratulations." Your news is not about her feelings.

Congratulations! I sincerely wish you every happiness.

sunshine702 · February 22, 2024, 02:29:03 PM

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on February 22, 2024, 02:13:08 PMOh boy. The only appropriate response here is, "Congratulations." Your news is not about her feelings.

Congratulations! I sincerely wish you every happiness.

And then today like nothing happened. Getting a garage sale together with her sisters.

So not only was I rejected by my partner. last night - screaming the B word and the C word at me. No he would never do that! But her too. And he was furious at me - how dare I tell her that. I dumbly thought she might approve?! And I dumbly thought we might have a discussion even if the answer is no. It's been 7 years and a new city transition for me!

notrightinthehead · February 22, 2024, 03:31:57 PM

"screaming the B word and the C word at me."

I agree with Moglow. I don't think that is how a kind and loving partner treats you. I am upset on your behalf.

Rose1 · February 22, 2024, 05:55:39 PM

Please consider "the apple does not fall far from the tree"
My exh turned out to be diagnosed with bpd but it was his mother that caused most of the problems in our marriage for the first 10 years, then he slowly turned into her for the next 12.
Support from him or stopping his mother's ranting and raving never happened.
Please consider your options. There are many red flags here and they do not get better.

sunshine702 · February 22, 2024, 06:51:22 PM

"Slowly turned into her"

Yeah that is sort of happening. She bought some landscaping pavers - we bought some pavers. Certain food choices of his recently are exactly hers. The water pick. She wanted the rock delivered he went around me and had ours too. Even though I begged him to wait just one day because I was exactly right and the amount did not spread all they way down like she said and did really fully finish our area either. I guess I have to get over the rock (he claims it was a one dump truck savings). but it was a clear "mom wins" moment. Yeah I am sort of in tears today. I have good news on the work front and instead it's a black day.

She is going to be traveling soon. That will give us a breather.

sunshine702 · February 22, 2024, 07:01:34 PM

Quote from: notrightinthehead on February 22, 2024, 03:31:57 PM"screaming the B word and the C word at me."

I agree with Moglow. I don't think that is how a kind and loving partner treats you. I am upset on your behalf.

Yeah it's left me a shell of a person today. It was a new low. All because I wanted to discuss our commitment - did I do it perfectly?- no. Do I have some new moving pieces with 2 job possibilities - yes.

I am getting closer and closer to being able to walk away - I honestly think he is trying for that though

bloomie · February 22, 2024, 07:40:47 PM

sunshine702 - you have a lot to think through right now. Some serious concerns and deep disappointments. I am so sorry.

I like that you will get a break from the mil, but I also hope you will be able to step back and away and think through the red flags that are flying high in your primary relationship. The verbal abuse and crudeness toward you by your partner when you mention marrying - which is absolutely 100% your right to do at any time to anyone you choose, is undeserved and completely out of line. I am really sorry!

Know your worth and stand firmly in the knowledge that every living person deserves respect and never more so than in an intimate relationship.

No one has to like me, love me, want to marry me if they choose not to. But... what I require for myself is that they speak to me with respect.

Quote from: sunshine702 on February 22, 2024, 01:05:14 PMYou know it didn't even really need to be formal. Just a fake ring and a hug that we are building together. I needed reassurance as this is a big transition for me

I am going to be a momma bear here and gently say if you have been with this person 7 years and have contributed large amounts of $$ to your homes and living environment, I hope and I pray you are protected, because his mother's comments about you having no skin in the game...

sunshine702 · February 23, 2024, 09:04:12 AM

Am I protected financially?

Somewhat. But somewhat not. I sold my place and still have most that money. He sold his place and I helped redo the pool to get it sold. We lived in a rental for awhile then his moms RV and now we live here and it is paid off by him. And the land is in a family trust that is fine. I want to marry for some more security with that and for the looks in our very small town. (The fake ring). But Mr Avoidant wants nothing to change ever. I agreed 7years ago not to get married so there it is. Reassurance . This all started with me describing this situation to my therapist and her worried for me it is built on sand for me and I had a right to worry and get some clarification. I guess I got it and it's not that good for me. I get to be here but never fully here - I can drive an hour for groceries for everybody- that is fine.

sunshine702 · February 23, 2024, 09:10:08 AM

This is 100 my life.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6hOGrN2sblE