“Friend” Sabotaged Relationship - and I didn’t realise for years.

[DesertRose]

Over 10 years ago while I was a student, a boy and I liked each other. We were drawn to each other and things were still in a delicate stage, but the mutual attraction was very strong.

I had a jealous roommate who thought that boy was cute. (She told me so). She was jealous of many people, and she often tried to start arguments. (Quote from her: "I think we are due for a fight" - when I was not aware of anything worth fighting about!)

One evening, my roommate came up to my room around 8/9pm while I was in my pjs. She said something very vague and confusing about how someone downstairs in our dorm was saying our group of friends should Mix with theirs. I asked who and she said "I will tell you later". She gave me a talk about how she didn't think we had time for this for various reasons and she was going to go tell them. It was all so vague I had no way to know what she meant, but I had a strange, sinking feeling. When she came back up she said "there, I think he understands". I wondered who she meant - I asked - I wondered if it was the boy. She would not tell me.

The next morning I learned (from a real / honest friend) that boy had his friends had invited all of us out. She asked "why didn't you go?" And i explained I didn't even know about it.

After that, the boy stopped seeking me out. Rushed by me in the hallway. I wasn't sure why. What had happened? I was young, naive and trusting. We had such chemistry. I always thought we would reconnect, but we never did.

I hadn't thought of this in years, but it came back to me recently. All I had remembered was how much I had liked that boy, and I always wondered why we faded away from each other - I forgot about the friend - now, looking back in maturity, I know my roommate must have sabotaged the relationship. I have no doubt. She misrepresented me completely and it was so unfair. I would have loved to go, to get to know that boy better. It's so wrong of her.

I now have clarity. I don't feel closure though. I hate that I was misrepresented and the guy was obviously hurt by what was said judging from what I remember about how he responded when he next saw me. Contacting him seems unwise as we are both married. But this sad story bothers me. So I am putting it here. Any advice on how to work through this or deal with it? I can't understand why it bothers me so much. I feel robbed.

[pianissimo]

Your memory seems to have a narrative: There is this guy who makes this big effort to meet the girl he likes, and he gets offended when he thinks he is refused. It also suggests, unknowingly, the girl made a mistake.
I would question this narrative.

[DesertRose]

Your memory seems to have a narrative: There is this guy who makes this big effort to meet the girl he likes, and he gets offended when he thinks he is refused. It also suggests, unknowingly, the girl made a mistake.
I would question this narrative.

You are right. I think it's a case of me looking back on the past and thinking I must have failed and done something wrong in this instance. I should have realised what was going on, should have communicated, etc.

I know that at the time this happened, I gave way too much significance to meeting this boy. I held it up as a fairly tale, almost, for several years. Even despite other guys showing interest at various times. I wonder if I gave it so much significance in part because it represented a dream or an escape of sorts at a time when I was experiencing a great deal of trauma from my dad and wished I could escape it.

[Starboard Song]

Contacting him seems unwise as we are both married. But this sad story bothers me. So I am putting it here. Any advice on how to work through this or deal with it?

I can't understand why it bothers me so much. I feel robbed.

First: congratulations on the wisdom to not contact this guy. There be dragons.

Second: you know, sometimes we are just robbed, and it is just wrong, and the fact that we can never get it back annoys us. For me, I am a VERY mild mannered guy. I appear to some to be a pushover, because I kind of just go along. But I am not. It is just that I really am easy to please. On the few occasions when I care, getting bullied or pressured is VERY UPSETTING to me. And I remember. It sticks. For a long long time.

I don't think it is at all unusual or toxic to have a lingering sense of unfairness and loss. Someone behaved unfairly and you suffered a loss. Realizing that this is true may go a long way to, not letting go, but accepting. You could easily list a dozen personal mistakes and three more cases of unfairness that were as damaging as this. Sometimes an early love, or even the promise of it, sticks around in our hearts like puppy love.

You are doing just fine. Accept those feelings as reasonable, and then live past them.

[DesertRose]

Contacting him seems unwise as we are both married. But this sad story bothers me. So I am putting it here. Any advice on how to work through this or deal with it?

I can't understand why it bothers me so much. I feel robbed.

First: congratulations on the wisdom to not contact this guy. There be dragons.

Second: you know, sometimes we are just robbed, and it is just wrong, and the fact that we can never get it back annoys us. For me, I am a VERY mild mannered guy. I appear to some to be a pushover, because I kind of just go along. But I am not. It is just that I really am easy to please. On the few occasions when I care, getting bullied or pressured is VERY UPSETTING to me. And I remember. It sticks. For a long long time.

I don't think it is at all unusual or toxic to have a lingering sense of unfairness and loss. Someone behaved unfairly and you suffered a loss. Realizing that this is true may go a long way to, not letting go, but accepting. You could easily list a dozen personal mistakes and three more cases of unfairness that were as damaging as this. Sometimes an early love, or even the promise of it, sticks around in our hearts like puppy love.

You are doing just fine. Accept those feelings as reasonable, and then live past them.

Thank you. I found your reply to be extremely helpful. Thanks for validating my experience and what I've been feeling. I grew up in a very conservative and religious household and wasn't "allowed" to date (until I finally moved out and gave myself permission to date). I had to exercise such restraint - I think that caused me to attribute so much more meaning to this interaction and this memory than I ever would have otherwise. It was all I had bc I wasn't really allowed to have relationships - so I believed that "God had revealed the one" - then worried I had someone messed it up through falling for my friend's manipulation. I always tucked it away in the back of my mind, wondering what it all meant. Choosing not to really think about it. But I think I am finally ready to let go. As you say, accept the injustice of my friend's action as the loss that it was. And accept the puppy love memories as normal. I think the next step for me is also not attributing meaning to those feelings. They weren't some message about what was meant to be. They were just normal feelings. Thanks again.

[1footouttadefog]

Normal feelings, real feelings and now that you made this connection they are here and now feelings.

It will be one less burden you carry once this past issue has been processed.  Perhaps some others will surface and with them forther healing could take place

Processing our past wounds and smteakas makes us stronger and less vulnerable to more trauma/ drama in the future

[DesertRose]

Normal feelings, real feelings and now that you made this connection they are here and now feelings.

It will be one less burden you carry once this past issue has been processed.  Perhaps some others will surface and with them forther healing could take place

Processing our past wounds and smteakas makes us stronger and less vulnerable to more trauma/ drama in the future

Thank you. That is a really good take on why the feelings felt so intense for me, seemingly out of nowhere. I'm feeling a lot better about it all now, like I finally realise what went on.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm sorry this happened to you, Rose.  I know how something that looks promising can take on so much importance in the midst of a lot of deprivation.

This probably doesn't work for everyone, but when unfinished feelings around an old relationship arise for me and it's not wise to be in contact, I write letters that I don't send.  I say everything I would really like to express and don't hold anything back.  It often clarifies things more and usually gives me some sense of completion.  Sometimes I write more than one if part of it still feels unfinished.

Yes, if that's what happened, you deserved better than that.  And now, with new tools, you know better how to take care of yourself!

[DesertRose]

I'm sorry this happened to you, Rose.  I know how something that looks promising can take on so much importance in the midst of a lot of deprivation.

This probably doesn't work for everyone, but when unfinished feelings around an old relationship arise for me and it's not wise to be in contact, I write letters that I don't send.  I say everything I would really like to express and don't hold anything back.  It often clarifies things more and usually gives me some sense of completion.  Sometimes I write more than one if part of it still feels unfinished.

Yes, if that's what happened, you deserved better than that.  And now, with new tools, you know better how to take care of yourself!

Thank you so much. Your message is very kind. That is a great idea regarding the letter. I think I will try that. I can't go back and change the past but I do feel that as you say writing about it will help clarify my feelings.

[Starboard Song]

We even have a board for this!

If you feel the need to put the words out there, you can check out The Unsent Letter, where people share those letters, with honest words they never actually want to convey to the other party: or know they ought not.

[DesertRose]

We even have a board for this!

If you feel the need to put the words out there, you can check out The Unsent Letter, where people share those letters, with honest words they never actually want to convey to the other party: or know they ought not.

Wonderful - thank you for directing me to that. I will check it out. ☺️