Workplace Culture reminds me of FOO

[Amadahy]

Good day, OOTFers,

I began a new job recently (3 months ago).  It is the best pay I've ever had (still modest), close to home, decent benefits, yada yada yada.  However, something felt "off," since early-on.  I've finally figured it out.

My workplace culture is seriously like that of a dysfunctional family system (especially one with PD involved).   

How so?

-One can never be sure of alliances.  There is betrayal or betrayal-like behaviors running wild (through snarky emails copied to a supervisor, things like that);
-The things that seem negligible to me are a. huge. farking. deal while things that seem important are let go;
-The first two characteristics serve to keep one walking on eggshells (gee, where have I heard that before?);
-Perhaps worse than a PD/dysfunctional family:  I believe this is purposeful to instill fear and compliance.  (Some families purposefully do this; I'm still not sure about my FOO.);
-Just when people are at a breaking point, a small token of appreciation is offered (small gift, recognition, etc.).;
-There are definitely scapegoats and golden ones, and these can change on a dime;
-Employees are given impossible tasks, goals, etc. creating a sense of hopelessness and failure;
-This workplace puts out all kinds of positive PR that paints the organization in a very favorable light, so things look good on the outside.

Please tell me there are workplaces out there that are not this. (I'm in the US.) It's a bummer because I see so much potential and try to do a good job within my capabilities and areas of responsibility.  But, being there is starting to impact my health.  Some of my hypervigilant behaviors are back.  I'm sleeping poorly.  I have nervous system difficulties (twitches, pain, etc.).  I don't think I can cope and grow despondent that one should have to try.

I guess this is somewhat a rant because I know that I have to decide for myself what to do, if anything.  I am just writing out of frustration.  I sincerely hope NO ONE else has to put up with such, although I know that's unlikely.

Thanks for "listening."  xoxo

[Catothecat]

I've wondered this myself, Amadahy!  Seems the majority of jobs I had were toxic to some degree, with some of my co-workers engaging in the exact same dysfunctional behaviors as seen in dysfunctional, toxic families.  And to some extent, I can understand how that comes out in them because if you work full-time, you spend most of your waking hours at work so therefore it becomes a type of "home."  For people who can't give up their behaviors, or even modify them, it's no surprise they bring them along when they go to work, and everyone else has to deal with them.  The problem is magnified and can get out of control if that person (or people) are those in authority, or best buddies with those in authority. 

Workplaces are, to a greater or lesser degree, hothouse environments you can't escape if you want a paycheck.  You can go NC only by quitting, otherwise as long as the people are there, you have to deal with them to some degree.  And I quit numerous jobs because I was sick and tired of having to deal with nonsense.  The stress is absolutely real. 

I, too, wonder how common the exceptions are, because it seems everyone I know who ever held a job eventually started complaining.  Of course, no situation is perfect same as there are no perfect families, but after a while you can only shake your head and think, oh please--come on!  This is a job and why can't we just do it and not engage in all the crap?  It doesn't have to be this way!

What I eventually noticed was that there are always some people you work with who somehow never get caught up in those dysfunctional dynamics.  I wondered how they managed it and started watching and then mimicking their behaviors, because such behaviors didn't come naturally to me (having come from a dysfunctional family).  It actually worked for me, but I think the success of any technique you use depends on your desire for it to succeed.  And there are some jobs that will never be worth that effort and it's better to move on.  But like being in a dysfunctional family, when you're in the middle of it, it can be hard to see exactly what's going on and what your options are. 

[LemonLime]

Great topic.   I wasted 6 years working in a medical clinic where all the other doctors were functional people but the ones in charge, who were the front-desk/admin people, were toxic (and also sisters!).   I was so stressed in that job, and while all the docs knew there was dysfunction, nobody addressed it head-on.  So, coming from a dysfunctional family myself, I just figured it was my problem.   The others didn't seem as affected by the toxicity as I was, so I set about trying to change myself.   Now I look back aghast at what went on there, the abuse of myself and my coworkers.   One of the sisters was embezzling, turns out.

I do think they targeted me because they saw a lame gazelle, ripe for the picking.  So in a way, i was part of the toxicity, albeit unwittingly.   I have a friend who worked there 20 years and the sisters just sort of left her alone, as she didn't come from dysfunction and maybe they figured she would call them out?
I don't know.  All I can say is that she worked in the exact same workplace as I and although she saw the toxicity it didn't seem to bother her much.

Now I work remotely and love it, mostly due to the lack of drama.  Can't imagine going back in person now, largely because of all that crap.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think non-toxic work cultures do exist, however I mostly have worked in ones that I consider toxic to varying degrees. I think it has depended on the personality of the manager. I do not know if there is a tried-and-true way to identify it prior to taking a job though. Sometimes I feel like I am in a great place, then there is a re-org and I feel like I am back in 10th grade trying to fit in with the cool kids and worrying that if I do not play the game, do I set myself apart from the pack and make myself an easy target? Oddly, I too have noticed some of the worst offenders were the same ones promoting opportunities for everyone, empowered teams, and open communication. Now I see that as a red flag.       
       
I have spent years in various roles where I knew the managers were purposely instilling fear to get compliance. It worked. Chastising people in meetings, finding fault when there was none, or praising others for sub-standard effort has been a common experience for me. I find it extremely disappointing and believe I'll never change any of it. I do notice parallels with my family's behaviors. It can be very triggering. At least now I know what it is, and I think it is more empowering than earlier in my career when my self-dialog would have echoed that of my manager and I would have spiraled a bit. I now have tools I did not have before and that seems to help.

Sending you my support.

[SonofThunder]

Sorry you all face these work environments.  I am self employed so don't experience what you mentioned, except in some leaders whom i deal with in other companies. I will remind myself of my own term i use for many in leadership positions or those who aspire to leadership positions, or for my own father; 'trophyism'.

Imo. SO many leaders in companies have achieved that position because of trophyism and others (PD or not) quest for positional increase and/or financial increase, but at what cost?  Sanity? 

PD's are able to thrive in these ladder-climbing positions and imo, they breed this type of behavior when in leadership. They have to build ways to succeed at the purposeful expense/failure of others, and imo, it becomes acceptable workplace culture.  The fact that PD's can lead seemingly normal lives in relationship circles 3, 4 and 5 is such a cunning trait of PD's and those who desire increase in title and money dont realize its a manipulative game. 

Amadahy, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this in your place of work and I wish you a place of peace for your employment, where your hard work is recognized and where striving for advancement at the expense of others is not present among your coworkers.  Imo that is very rare place indeed.  Therefore i suppose that no matter where one works, that person could find some joy and peace in the environments within which they are employed, and also find joy in themselves, for how well they conduct themselves as a person, coworker, employee, friend and teammate, and for the quality of work they produce within that environment. 

Im sorry you experienced this as well in your FOO.  Cheers to you. 

SoT

[Latchkey]

Hi Amadahy,
I can really relate to your post. Spent the past year at a job that was great on paper and compensation was best I have had.

My workplace culture is seriously like that of a dysfunctional family system (especially one with PD involved).   

How so?

-One can never be sure of alliances.  There is betrayal or betrayal-like behaviors running wild (through snarky emails copied to a supervisor, things like that);
-The things that seem negligible to me are a. huge. farking. deal while things that seem important are let go;
-The first two characteristics serve to keep one walking on eggshells (gee, where have I heard that before?);
-Perhaps worse than a PD/dysfunctional family:  I believe this is purposeful to instill fear and compliance.  (Some families purposefully do this; I'm still not sure about my FOO.);
-Just when people are at a breaking point, a small token of appreciation is offered (small gift, recognition, etc.).;
-There are definitely scapegoats and golden ones, and these can change on a dime;
-Employees are given impossible tasks, goals, etc. creating a sense of hopelessness and failure;
-This workplace puts out all kinds of positive PR that paints the organization in a very favorable light, so things look good on the outside.

All that you describe were things I was seeing and experiencing there. I actively began looking for a new role about 6 months in.

One thing that was hard to walk into was that I worked and was hired as a hybrid worker but the company had been all in person for many years and over the year as covid eased they were bringing more and more people back in full or almost full time. There had been a big layoff in 2020 and then many were rehired, but those that were rehired were very angry and bitter and those that were never let go were pretty confident and also guarding of their work and not easy to take any kind of change. It was definitely more beneficial to be in office but my commute was terrible and in the end, when I was there on days my direct manager was there, I got to witness him favoring one co-worker, gossiping and glaring at me if I tried to talk to just about anyone else about anything, very strange because my role was one that was supposed to collaborate with multiple departments. On my days in office I managed to make a few alliances with people but like you are experiencing the changing of the rules happened too often and I never completely trusted people there.

My direct manager was a known problem but yet he was also given huge responsibilities. I learned a great deal and thought I was safe because I was doing good work, but he sabotaged me pretty much every chance he got. My role was eliminated before I could leave and in many ways it was a blessing because the environment there was so difficult to deal with. I was feeling a lot of stress and it was affecting my health and I even had this nightmare of my being let go just days before it happened.

I learned (or rather relearned after being in the FOG and not realizing it or wanting to acknowledge it) that even if you can name the dysfunction it does not protect you from it.

Like SoT says, working for yourself is usually a lot less of this kind of dysfunction directly. Most people I know that are happy in their work have their own business, have a good side gig (I have that thankfully), have maybe found a good team or a good manager and are thriving, or have a strong outside interests that keeps them distracted  or insulated from the work dysfunction.

I'm hoping 2023 is great for you and that you don't think you are the only one dealing with this because it is really common I am afraid.