What is permissible for Jove is not permissible for a bull.

[Empie2204]

A time has arrived: by itself. Although I was in pain for almost thirty years (28 precisely).
But because of  this time only, I have no regrets. A time for  payback and I don´t have to do anything special. It´s just a puzzle that puts itself into one.
I have lost my fear, I have nothing more to lose.
Material property? This is something my uPDh lives for, the only thing he values.

Why am I so peaceful? Because I have grown and my children have grown and we can talk freely about his disorder, call it by its name, speak like adults. When they are aware his behavior is childish, his viewpoints restricted and discriminating, then I know I have made a good job raising them.

Back to payback: I can express what I feel, want to or don´t want to freely, without even being angry. (I´m not saying I can do it all the time, but the amount of time I can, makes me happy.)
I admit I enjoy making him confused, but that´s the way it is now.
For years he tortured me with his  food issues. He keeps doing this, but I am watching it from another chair, not trying to please him. What a relief!

He bought a new car. A fancy one. Totally unnecessary. Our ,,old" car was good enough, but he ,,wanted this one" ( = 6 yr old kid!). Do you know how did he buy it? Used the money he spared from his salary, then the money he inherited from his mother, took a bank loan, took a loan from his boss (!!!) and planned to sell the old car. All by himself. Not consulting me. (What would have happened if it was me?))
And he is happy because of his car and unhappy because his two kids and me are not.
The sale isn´t going well, so he is flirting with the idea of keeping the old car for our son. The idea itself is a positive one, but not in our circumstances. S doesn´t have a firm job yet and told him ,,Dad, sell the car. I can´t manage the costs."
But no, dad thinks he can pay two loans, manage two cars for a year or so and live happily:  Thanks to my earnings, as it always was. Somebody (but not you guys on this forum) would think he respects me. We know the truth. About respect.

Today he is making a barbecue in his company, celebrates the purchase. Phoned me and told me he will send some of it home. I said ,,not necessary, I will manage."  These are exactly his words, used through the years. When he heard them from me, I heard a bad mood in his voice.
So, quid pro quo. What is interesting is that he totally doesn´t get it. And never will.

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like you are on a good path.

[Empie2204]

I am.
But I have to be totally honest, Im still concerned about his reactions.
The day I free myself from these concerns is my aim.
Positive side to it is that I no longer want to please and serve him.
This leap happened one day, but not IN one day.
It meant relief and sadness at the same time.
The knowing that all theory I learned about PDs does apply for me. Until that day it was just a theory with (now I know: futile) hope and denial.