I just feel gross about this

[Pepin]

We went to a party this past weekend and DH was approached by the son of one of DH's close friends who asked about how it was when DH and I first met.  Background is that DH and I are of different cultures...his parents are both first generation immigrants.  My father is also a first generation immigrant.  DH and I are also of different races. 

Both sides of our families were opposed to us dating.  Looking back...yes, it is painful and I am sorry to say that I should have walked away.  Even though both sides eventually came around, the nastiness returned.  I eventually went NC with NF (not because of DH but because NF is truly a N across the board on every level and I had enough).  DH on the other hand defended me against his parents and refused to listen to their objections.  That seemed to be enough for me to stay with DH.

What I didn't know would happen is that MIL would really start showing her PD side -- and it worsened with all the usual milestones in my relationship with DH.  But, we kept going despite getting married and having our own family.  To date, the teens and I could care less about PDmil....and generally anyone on DH's side.  They all have some kind of issue going on, of course stemming from none other than PDmil.  It will be fascinating when PDmil is gone how the family dynamic will likely change.      

I am sad that I wasn't asked for my side by this young guy who is in a relationship with a 2nd generation immigrant.  While his parents are cool with it, her parents are not.  I feel like this guy has a right to know what mind f*ck I have been through.  DH seems oblivious to PDmil and her role within our marriage and how I have fought hard to keep her out of it.  The many tactics that PDmil has employed over the years to tear DH and I apart is nauseating. 

I guess my greatest concern is if the immigrant daughter (who YES is of another race like DH) is a GC?  What is her loyalty to her family and parents?  Is she expected to be their caretaker?  Do the parents and family speak English and will they speak English in front of this young man?  Will his girlfriend defend him? 

There are so many things to consider and I am positive that DH likely brushed off a lot of things...I guess, I just don't want another person to go down the same path that I have been down...wouldn't wish it on anyone.  No one wants to feel left out and emotionally abused.  I worry that this guy is going to get destroyed by being unwelcome in this girlfriend's family...  I don't know if I should reach out to him or his parents.  DH absolutely didn't give him the whole story -- how could he?  DH is a semi enmeshed SG/GC!  These are things I did not know as a young woman!!!  Getting married changed everything.  Having kids also changed everything.  FIL passing away included a new level of lunacy coming from PDmil that has forever changed the kids and I and our relationship with her - even DH's relationship changed with her.  My FOC changed because of FIL passing away and the impact of PDmil and her grief/waif behavior.  WE HAVE ALL SUFFERED. 

What should I do?

[Rose1]

I'm an immigrant too. As a child. Dh is from the U.S. we get on great. exbpdh and his m (died some years back) tried the same things you are talking about. Exmil and enfil were completely disrespectful of our marriage until exbpdh eventually left and went back home to mother. Then they wanted me to have him back and sort myself out 😀

So I wonder if the issue is not immigrant and racial and cultural differences but purely and simply pd. In that case its difficult because if this girl is the gc of pd parents the young man likely won't believe you. Or think "we can work this out and sort through all difficulties". Like we did.
So I guess the best advice you can give is give the relationship time, dont move too fast and take notice of red flags.  And know he probably won't. Unfortunately youth is totally unprepared for pd.

[Pepin]

So I wonder if the issue is not immigrant and racial and cultural differences but purely and simply pd.

This is possible but it seems that cultural traditions are the main factor here being used by PDs in this particular case and also my own personal experience.  I am certain that NF would have wanted me to have married someone of his background but that wasn't going to happen living here in the US -- nor was I impressed with generally anyone and their behavior that I did meet. 

As for DH's side, without giving details about his specific heritage, all I can say is that there is indeed a long history within his parents country of origin of PD behavior being used to a cultural advantage.  This I did not know!  And much of it came out after FIL passed away....suddenly his dying wishes and requests needed to be honored and PDmil fearing being alone insisted that DH carry out her wishes as well and promise that those after she is gone be fulfilled....that have had and will have a serious impact on both my marriage and our family.  How would I have known this 20 years ago? 

As for the guy in question who is getting the cold shoulder from his girlfriend's family...he is mixed race, raised in the US by American parents.  His girlfriend is close in ethnicity to DH so there would be similarities in cultural expectations.  Unless she is really on board with dismantling these expectations, it will be a very tough relationship to maintain with this young man.  While he is a very smart young man, I think that like most of us here, there is only so much one can take. 

What I find sad....and DH does too...is that we thought the world was ready for mixed race couples and clearly it is not.  The biggest denouncers are our own families because they believe they have an image to maintain....that we are an extension of them whether we like it or not.  I cannot imagine doing this to my children who are mixed race and they have no favor over one race or another of which they are combined and the same for their cultural heritage.  They prefer to just be human...

[Rose1]

I understand what you mean. But a pd will use anything to get their way, whether it's using race and cultural issues or family history or simply "that's how we've always been". Exfil tried the patriarchal head of the family thing. Which is neither cultural nor recent here. (Even amongst his European ancestors it was not cultural) It was a control thing.
I come from a country that had huge racial issues but it seems interracial marriage is now becoming common. Here in Australia it is also becoming more common.  But I'm also sure it is used as a control thing by pd families.
We can all do our bit, as you are, by not transferring it onto the next generation. Good for you.

[Alexmom]

In my experience of marrying a DH from a different culture and religion than mine, a culture card was played in an effort to gain control of family member(s).   My FIL and MIL often used culture to guilt or obligate DH to get him in line and more often in not, it had more to do with my IL's family culture (of dysfunction) and less to do with the real meaning of the word of following customs that derive from a certain nation or group of people.    I was able to point this out numerous times to my DH over the course of our marriage to the point that it became comical when my IL's tried to use culture to wrestle control - it's easy to do a quick google search and see that nope, that actually is not followed in the IL's native country - just another family culture ploy to get DH in line.

[Sojourner17]

I too am in a mixed race marriage. I met, married my husband in my home country and we live in my home country. My husband was seen as a novelty by my unpdm but she'd try to push culture on him. Ie. he is a non swimmer, swimming in the summer is huge here. She constantly badgered me about getting him to come swimming. To me it's not really an issue other than that I want our kids to know how to swim for safety reasons. If my husband never wants to go in water past his ankles that's fine by me.

It's totally about control and belittling my DH as he doesn't know how or doesn't want to do the same things. My dad makes fun of him bc he doesn't know agriculture/carpentry/ etc. Hubby grew up in a climate almost completely opposite of where we live.  He knows how to do those things in HIS country. If he wants to learn those things here he could. He's a smart man. He just doesn't need to know those skills at this point. He's competent and skilled and hard working. Just not like my parents. For some reason pds don't do well with the "otherness" of others.