working on our marriage / communication / handling of stress

[djcleo]

We're trying to work on communication as well as how we handle stress. I am in therapy. My husband needs to find another T due to us moving.

What are some ways you work on communication with your spouse especially when you've both been under chronic stress?

[Penny Lane]

Hi DJ Cleo,
My now-DH and I went through a rough communication patch right after we got married a few months ago. My theory was that he was triggered because after his marriage to his uPDxw things with her got bad. So he had some fleas popping up that I didn't know how to handle. And the wedding was one of 3-4 very stressful life events all in quick succession, so we were under a lot of pressure in a lot of ways. We had these minor disagreements that blew up into huge fights, and communication roadblocks that I thought we'd successfully dealt with years earlier.

In other words, I really feel you.

One thing we started doing is when we were arguing about something, DH (and I later picked this up) would stop and say "we're on the same team here." That was kind of a cue that we need to move out of arguing mode and into problem solving mode.

Another thing I wish we'd done more of earlier is to take breaks. Sleep on it if possible, if not at least go read a book, take a shower, anything to get you out of the headspace.

I also made some concessions that I REALLY didn't want to make (mostly out of stubbornness) but I think that helped him remember again that we're on the same side.

What ultimately helped, though, was that he finally signed up for counseling. And I kept going. His therapist told him that we need to spend more time together and that a lot of our energy seems focused on the kids. That helped too - we started making time to just hang out and do stuff around the house, and I think that re-connection was key.

Hopefully some of these strategies help you out!

[all4peace]

I think it's fairly normal for most couples to have very sensitive triggery spots in their marriage. DH and I have been working on trying to find those and trying to avoid those where possible. We've also scheduled "serious talk time" for 15 min at the end of every day. DH is overwhelmed when I bring things up to him repeatedly during a day (things going on with our kids, something I've read or been thinking about, etc.) and so it will help him feel calmer and more kindly to know he only needs to deal with "that" kind of topic at the end of the day. And I know that I will have his full attention for 15 min at the end of the day. Just started this so can't report too much on the results, but what I can say is that I have caught myself many, many times wanting to say something that fits into "that" category, so I can see how I would have been overwhelming for DH. It no longer feels personal, just the way I am and just the way he is.

I'm finding it helpful to learn more about the differences between male and female brains, and how we "do" relationships. Men need more respect than love, and women need more love than respect. We both need both, but one is more important for each gender (generalizing, but also based on long research). I'm trying to be more fully aware of that.

Men get physiologically overwhelmed earlier and longer than women in conflict. They "leave" the conversation often in order to not lose it, to calm down, to not disrespect us by saying the things on their mind that would wound us. Again, this is generalizing but based on long research, men and women have different levels of practice with using feeling words, with conflict resolution, etc. This means that I, in my marriage, have an urgent need to move towards DH, to "get resolution," to keep on talking until I understand his heart and mind, and to reconnect. All of this has the opposite effect on DH. It's not that I'm a horrible person or wife; it's just that he's different.

So, all of this to say....I think it is very helpful to work out some of this while you both are calm, while nobody's significantly stressed, and while there's nothing urgent to be discussed. For us, some of the questions have been:
1. When I do (this), how does it make you feel? What would work better for you? (and vice versa)
2. Can we agree that we will either get resolution in our conflict, or kindly resolve to let it go? (versus stonewalling, defensiveness, escalation)
3. Can you share with me that things I say/do that are especially triggering for you? (and vice versa)
4. When we're getting overheated, can we find a way to take a break that doesn't make me feel abandoned or you overwhelmed? Can we promise to come back together after we've had enough time to calm down? (at least 20 min)


I love what Penny Lane shares! Yes, reminders that you're on the same team (and then GET on the same team!). Promises that you will care for the needs and wishes of the other as best as possible. Lots of bonding and friendship time together when possible.

I'd highly recommend anything written by the Gottmans (I referenced their work repeatedly above), a married couple who have been studying marriages for decades. I'm reading his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He says that communication is often the focus of therapy, but his extensive research points to 7 positive strengths being even more important in a long and healthy marriage:
1. Enhance love maps (getting to really know the other)
2. Nurture fondness and admiration (noticing the good in the other and praising it)
3. Turn toward each other instead of away (described above in handling conflict)
4. Let your partner influence you (love and respect for the other's views and strengths, what they bring to the relationship)
5. Solve your solvable problems.
6. Overcome gridlock (coping with your unsolvable problems)
7. Create shared meaning.

Good luck!

[Penny Lane]

Oh, I like the 15 minutes at the end of the day thing. At one point my therapist recommended that we have a weekly "meeting" to deal with bigger picture planning. We did that for several months and eventually got better at incorporating it into our daily routine so we stopped doing it so formally. But I like idea of an end of the day, shorter session.

Now that I'm thinking about it, we also sat down and physically wrote down our goals and grouped them into short, medium and long. That's helped in a lot of ways but one of them is that it definitely helps us remember we're on the same page. It's kind of like, guiding principals so when we're making decisions we have something to work toward. By now we've revisited those goals two or three times and it is really satisfying to see how much we've accomplished as a family and as a team.

[all4peace]

Penny Lane, we've incorporated the weekly family meeting, too. It's not too exciting but it at least gives structure to our family life. The goals are to share our schedules (including with our at-home child), inquire as to the needs of others (what do you need from me this week?), schedule family supper nights, and schedule a date night (or acknowledge that it's a loss for that week if there is literally no time). To me, it's about adding structure to our family life and literally scheduling family needs (meals, date nights, etc)

I love your guiding principles sessions!

Btw, we fail at all of this plenty, but slowly, slowly over time it's getting better and better. There's a very hopeful upward trajectory that, in the end, is improving our communication dramatically.

[capybara]

One book I found really helpful was "The High-Conflict Couple" by Alan Fruzzetti.

For BPDH and me, it's really important to focus on validating, especially at the beginning of the conversation when tempers are still calm. Validate as much as possible while being honest and respecting your own boundaries! This is addressed in detail in the book, but mostly it's being empathetic, communicating that you understand where your partner is coming from emotionally, and communicating that their emotions make sense /are to be expected (perhaps given their past experiences). It doesn't mean you have to agree with their opinions or actions.

I am not sure if your husband is PD, but if so, he probably does some things repeatedly that are discussed on this site (e.g. manipulating, raging, gaslighting). I think if you can observe those behaviours and keep in mind that they are about him and not you, it really helps as well.