I left, but feel awful...

[bubble1077]

Hi all, I really just need somewhere to put this...

I had 'the conversation' with my updbf yesterday morning, indicating that I'd be leaving. We've been together for a about three and a half years and I've come to realise that his similarities to my Dad likely meant I was in a 'trauma bond relationship'.

On Saturday night he was drunk and argumentative, despite me pointing out we were actually in agreement (!). He gets cross when I 'use my words', and in response said phrases such as 'f*** off' and 'f*** you'. There was a lot of word salad being thrown my way but I'm among it all he made it clear that he didn't care if I left.

As I'd missed the last bus home I slept downstairs. When he got up in the morning he claimed to 'remember nothing'. I explained (once I'd got my courage up) to say that was the second time in the last few weeks he'd said words like that to me, and I couldn't tolerate it. I was surprised as he apologized and looked genuinely sad. I got my things together and he dropped me home. He said he still loves me, sent me a 'goodnight text' last night, and all seems fairly calm. He's also said he'd like us to still be friends and to be able to socialize in the same circles.

I'm a bit baffled as I thought he'd be really angry or get defensive? Maybe he thinks I'll go back? This just feels a bit surreal? Anyway, I feel revolting... it's like a death. I saw glimpses of who he used to be, and I'm remembering the good times...I really thought I'd feel more of a sense of relief? Please tell me this comes? 😭 Xx

[SonofThunder]

Bubble, I'm sorry this happened to you. PD's have a unique way of stealing relief by their methods of turning the tables using the IDD cycle (idealize, devalue, discard).  That cycle can happen very quickly or very slowly, depending on the needs of the PD.  Idealize also can be called love-bombing and all three are used to push away and then 'hoover' the non back in repetitively.   

In this case, imo, you were devalued and when your PDbf recognized you leaving, he's now love-bombing (idealize).  Trust me, if he's a PD, you will be in this perpetual cycle always, and so going full NC, and not entering back into the relationship, is advised in that situation. 

Again sorry that happened to him but very glad to hear you are mindful about what is going on.  "Relief" may come when you get away from the guilt caused by his hoovering.  For strength and self-protection in leaving fully, I point you to the tools here in the Out of the FOG toolbox. 

SoT

[ploughthrough2021]

Don't get fooled by the love bombs. I was in your shoes many years ago and fell for them.  Now 30 years later, I have fell that I have not lived the life I wanted...

[Boat Babe]

Yep, you're being love-bombed again, because you left.
They know exactly what to do, and you'll find so many "exact" stories of how people's exes acted after they were dumped because of their abusive behaviour.

They are experts at it, and they use your doubt and fears for the future against you to reel you back in.
I guarantee, if you don't budge and tell him that you are finished for good, he will turn on a dime, and you'll see the all too familiar abusive and nasty side of him re-emerge.

You are being played, because you dared to stop accepting his pathetic, childish and abusive behaviour.
He's trying to get you back in quick, before you start putting up real boundaries.
Once he realises you're not going to change your mind, you will be public enemy #1.

...I saw glimpses of who he used to be, and I'm remembering the good times...

He's counting on that.
He'll pile it on thick until he gets what he wants.

There are many bits of advice on this site, but what I would suggest right now, to get you in the right frame of mind, is to write down a long list of every bit of abuse he has thrown at you.
Everything you can think of, no matter how small.
The brain tries to protect you by shutting out the bad times.
Keep that list at hand, because you're probably going to get a lot of texts/emails talking about how much he loves you/all the good times you had/how much he misses you, etc, and you'll need it to keep perspective.

You left for a reason.
Good luck.

Simon nails it. When I left exuPDbf number 2, I started writing a list of all the things he'd called me (my favourite one being sociopath). The list became really long and quite bizarre (cos crazy disordered). The I wrote down some of his behaviours. That was pretty grim reading. Then his obsessive thinking that was all very dark and also crazy disordered.  I added a few other choice things and that envelope was my anchor to reality in the emotional storm that hit after leaving him. I looked at it every day for weeks. It stopped me from going back. It speeded my healing because it was the truth, it cleared the FOG. I still have it.

I am so glad I never went back. When Covid hit and I stayed home on my own for weeks and weeks I was so thankful that I wasn't still with him. The thought made my skin crawl.

Sending huge hugs. You can do this.