jealousy's nonpayment

[tragedy or hope]

Most of us know jealousy never pays. Ever. All it does is hurt the one who feels this way.

I know all too well that it will rear its ugly head again and again until I can overcome.

My unpdh won't change and I realize it has to do with abandonment issues for me but also, he flames the right fire in my soul to get a response. His behavior is always plausibly deniable and of course I am accused of judging behaviors and having no faith in him.

There are so many behaviors that lead to we nons being jealous, but masked behaviors or secrets used by the unpd are the tiny morsels of deliciousness for them. re: dental hygienist private number on phone because it takes too long to get the dental clinic to answer. He and she had great "fellowship"... from his lips.

This week I am feeling unacceptable (to me) jealousy due to another weird situation. Has anyone on this forum conquered this?  How?
Sometimes I can let it go but most times I feel like a fool. If I could simply make up my mind I would do it.

I know it is N feed, but it still feels terrible. Especially when he uses the same tone of voice he uses with me privately when he is love-bombing and shares things he barely shares with me in a way to cause compassion from his target. Whatever will get attention and sympathy. 
I know it about me and I need to change to let it go.

[Thru the Rain]

Is this really "jealousy"? I mean are you using the right word?

Just based on your descriptions of your H's behavior it sounds like he's baiting you into a reaction, and then (maybe?) he's the one labeling your reaction "jealousy"? Or telling you you're overreacting because "nothing's going on" in a tone of voice that is telling you he's getting tons of N supply from your reaction.

Take a look at this page in the Toolbox on Baiting: https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/30/baiting

And maybe these too:
Bullying: https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/30/bullying
Chaos Manufacture: https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/30/chaos-manufacture

And just in case he is actually cheating:
Cheating: https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/30/cheating

[Mary]

His behavior is always plausibly deniable and of course I am accused of judging behaviors and having no faith in him.

T/H,
I'm sorry you have to put up with this behavior. I think you are jealous in a good way. But you are right that you do not want to let it eat you up.
Possibly say, "I don't see it that way."
When accused of having no faith in him,  perhaps agree with the accusation, but without guilt. "That is correct, I do not have faith in you in this area. If you need to be texting a girl, include me in a group text. I am jealous because you are flirting."
Sincerely,
Mary

[notrightinthehead]

With me jealousy hurt particularly badly because of the way it made me feel about myself.  My NPDh used to compliment other women outrageously in front of me or to me and I experienced painful jealousy. I also was tempted to seriously dislike these women... The way I dealt with it was to look inside for my insecurities and the negative self perception that was triggered by such behaviour.  I then tried to look if that self image was fair and correct it to a more balanced one and then to soothe and comfort myself.

[tragedy or hope]

All of these responses are very helpful and the ways to handle it are a big hope to me. Thank you so much! 

What I see now is that I have been programed to think it IS me and my problem when really it is his. I am not out of control, he is. I so appreciate all of this and will be thinking on implementing these new perspectives.

I feel more courage already. It takes away the "romantic" idea and puts in perspective the personality disorder that causes the chosen behavior on his part. I don't know why I could not see this before. I already feel a certain sense of freedom. I am not the one in bondage to a behavior, he is.

[losingmyself]

I had a hard time using the word 'jealousy' with my XH. Because it wasn't jealousy, really, if he would have left me for someone else, it would have made my life easier, really.
I realized that it was his disrespect for me that bothered me. He acted disrespectful toward other women in front of me, and it made me feel small and unimportant.
I was never jealous, that would mean that I wanted that attention from him, and I most certainly did not.
So, I decided that it didn't have anything to do with me, and let it go. I had too many bad feelings in my heart to fit in another one.
Good for you for recognizing that it's something inside yourself you need to work on. It will only make you a better person.

[Cascade]

My husband likes to make me feel jealous, and he's been doing it since before we were married. It took me about ten years before I figured out that a lot of it was pure fiction. It still hurts though. It's gotten a bit better through the years because I don't react to it like I used to. I don't know if your husband is doing it for attention like mine but either way it's sad.

[1footouttadefog]

What it called, mistakenly so, jealousy, I realized later was my heart telling me I had been devalued and was not getting the attention of the false person I had been duped into marrying.

If I walk out and see a stranger driving my car it's clear cut what is going on.  If a stranger sits at my table and eats the last of my Chunky monkey ice cream that I bought with hard earned money and saved for the weekend, I know for sure someone is enjoying what I am entitled to.

Yor heart k ows when what is yours and has been promised to you and you alone is bei g enjoyed by others whether you can see it with physical eyes or not.

[tragedy or hope]

1foot,
great examples. clearly this is what I feel.