Being myself around nMIL

[Spirit in the sky]

I'm still finding my way with dealing with my NMIL.
We have had very little contact with her since Christmas, brief sighting at New Year but we didn't speak and then the argument on the phone  last week about not texting me.

What I have realised I have never been myself around my MIL, I'm always walking on eggshells and previously have played the role of peacekeeper for fear of confrontation. She wasn't happy when I stood up for myself on the phone and I'm not sure what to expect tomorrow.

Hubby and I are meeting her for coffee in the morning as part of our reduced contact plan. We used to meet every Sunday but hubby decided to scale down to once a month. He had tried no contact but I think that was him hoping she would magically disappear. As we live in such a small village, we both thought it was best to find a balance, we don't do to her house, she doesn't come to ours.

She has always made me feel very uncomfortable in her presence, she always talks at me rather than to me, and if I talk about myself she changes the subject back to her. Obviously there is going to be tension but I don't know if I should just fake politeness for a quiet life or keep my guard up?

[Moon]

Fake politeness, be there for an hour max.  If she is rude or wants to argue, get up and leave.  Be yourself however be superficial, in that you don't talk about yourself.  Keep it on really mundane topics.  Don't give her anything personal about yourself.  See it as time to have a nice coffee, a bit of cake and then get on with your day.  Make sure you have something nice planned for the rest of the day so that once it's done she doesn't ruin your day.

Yes there will be tension but be polite, be cordial as you would any stranger on the street.  Just remember these are her issues, not yours.  If she is rude stand up for yourself and leave, just do it calmly and politely.  And no more phone calls, you see her once a month for an hour and that's it.

[Spirit in the sky]

Yay, she cancelled because of the weather !

[Iguanagos]

 
Yah!! You get to enjoy your Sunday!

Something occurred to me though. In my experience, a lot of these interactions come down to control. The PD person wants to continue to be in control of the relationship, calling the shots, so to speak.

So just a reminder and encouragement for you when and if you do set this up again, that you are still in control of determining an appropriate day / time. You'll know pretty quickly if it is a control issue if all of your suggestions "just won't work" for her for one reason or another.

But for now, enjoy the peace and quiet!

[daughter]

I spent several years dealing with my difficult malevolent elderly NBM by setting time-parameters on our contact,. So 15-minute phone-calls, thrice-weekly, politely but firmly ended early if/when NBM veered into bad behavior ("sorry, gotta go, talk to you later, bye!").  So 1.5-hour max dinners, twice-a-month, usually at a restaurant (public venue, time limit for sitting at table). So holidays and birthdays still shared, yes, but our time-limit of four hours in-and-out, etc.  I learned to "hum in my head", meaning disregarding much which was said, given that NBM tended towards monologues anyways, and monitoring myself to not be provoked, by benignly ignoring her pokes and hoovers.  It largely worked for a long time.

[Spirit in the sky]

I totally get the control thing. Before we would have been flexible in accommodating her, but now we give a day and time if it doesn't suit her, too bad. She used to deliberately change the time to the middle of the day so we couldn't make other plans, thankfully we are aware of her skeeming.

Hubby and I sat down and worked out what worked for us, he phones twice a week. If she starts her nonsense he ends the conversation. We meet for coffee once a month, in the past she has said she doesn't want to meet, then phones back and changes her mind, now we don't answer the phone the second time.

[Moon]

Yay it sounds like you've worked out a plan that fits for you both.  At least now it's another month until you see her and this gives you plenty of time to really think about how you want to deal with her when you see her.  It's great that your husband is completely on board, that's half the battle.  Just make sure you stick with the plan, which by the sounds of it your all over it.  Enjoy your peace for the next month until you have to see her again.