Narcissistic friend and how to end it.

[Tina Rosie]

Hello,

I have a question about a Narcissistic friend. I actually ended my relationship with them a while ago. But they have kind of been coming back into my life through other pathways.
They contacted me if I'd like to see them. And they are somewhat in touch with some of my friends or more like acquaintances. Following and liking every instagram post they share. Which is bothering be.
First I ignored but i also feel that I should communicate my boundaries. Anyone very well learned of narcissistic behaviours could give some advice?
1. Is it a good idea to just tell them that their behaviour was toxic and I don't want to meet them again.
2. Is it a good idea to ask them to stop following or contacting my friends. They only know these friends of mine through me as I introduced them.
3. Or should I just ignore?
How to set these clear boundaries. Asking someone to stop approaching my friends feels strange but at the same time I need my peace and I don't want them lurking around.
Any thoughts?

Thanks!

[moglow]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG!

I tend to take the path of least resistance to these kind of situations, so :

1. KISS if you will [keep it short and simple]. No is a complete sentence, No thank you if you feel a need to be polite.  [Not today satan might be taking it a bit far, but you do you!] Anything further, any admission of your feelings or what you think about them just opens the door for possible discussion [or their denial and/or ridicule] of your thoughts on the matter. You owe no one an explanation, and even if you try I suspect you'd get trampled underfoot with their needs of the moment.

2. No. Absolutely not. I wouldn't admit that their "friendships" [however superficial] were any of my business or concern on any level. Because frankly, they aren't. What other people choose is entirely on them, and I'd be very hesitant to involve my friends in any crossfire. They get to decide their friends, as do you. Some may feel a need to choose sides and pick the other person - so be it. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Chances are eventually your friends would then circle back around once they experience it all first hand.

3. I'd ignore by way of blocking my view of anything this person does on line, and any way they concoct to reach me in future. If I don't see it, I can't object to it. Basically anything they do unless directly to you is heresay or gossip. Again, not your circus not your monkeys.

Least said soonest mended, as the old saying goes. If you refuse to open that door, they can't walk through it. Build a wall if you must, but lock them out and be done with it.

[Tina Rosie]

[keep it short and simple]. No is a complete sentence, No thank you if you feel a need to be polite. 

Thank you for your reply and kind advice! Yes that does sound more reasonable. However I am battling with two confronting emotions about this.
Perhaps there is advice for that? I've never been to therapy so I'm a bit confused.
I've often been the type who just ignores and walks away. Or just says "No". Part of me rebels against it and feels that I should really express as to why. I left this friendship in a kind of "nice" way, trying not to hurt the person too much. But I feel resentment and anger that I didn't speak out. Almost as if theres something left unfinished.
The opposing emotion to that is the fear of closing the door completely and telling them off. Maybe I'm still hoping that something will change. And I'm scared if I'm honest, they'll walk away forever. So it's quite a strange mix of emotions. I guess it's better to close the door for good.
Would there be any advice for this and particularly how to deal with the resentment of unsaid things.

Thank you so much!

[Tina Rosie]

Thank you for your reply and kind advice! Yes that does sound more reasonable. However I am battling with two confronting emotions about this.
Perhaps there is advice for that? I've never been to therapy so I'm a bit confused.
I've often been the type who just ignores and walks away. Or just says "No". Part of me rebels against it and feels that I should really express as to why. I left this friendship in a kind of "nice" way, trying not to hurt the person too much. But I feel resentment and anger that I didn't speak out. Almost as if theres something left unfinished.
The opposing emotion to that is the fear of closing the door completely and telling them off. Maybe I'm still hoping that something will change. And I'm scared if I'm honest, they'll walk away forever. So it's quite a strange mix of emotions. I guess it's better to close the door for good.
Would there be any advice for this and particularly how to deal with the resentment of unsaid things.

Thank you so much!

[moglow]

If this is a narcissist your unsaid things wouldn't be heard anyway. You'd just as likely be painted as the bad guy, ridiculed, talked down too etc - not likely to get any much needed apology or admission of wrong doing, in other words. They'll have a pat excuse or justification and you could get sucked right back in.

You may want to think this all the way through. Your first post indicated it was OVER thus my advice above. Now it sounds like you're not sure?Think about whatever happened and if thats okay with you now. It kind of depends if whatever happened between you was a one-off or a repeat performance. Do you have any reason to think things have changed, or maybe you have and feel you can safely revisit?

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Don't set yourself up to be a martyr OR think you can't back out if all the warning signs are still there. Promises mean nothing, but actions tell the tale.

[Tina Rosie]

Thank you for your advice! Indeed, no I don't want to go back to that relationship as it was repetitive. Closed door it is.

[Starboard Song]

1. Is it a good idea to just tell them that their behaviour was toxic and I don't want to meet them again.
2. Is it a good idea to ask them to stop following or contacting my friends. They only know these friends of mine through me as I introduced them.
3. Or should I just ignore?
How to set these clear boundaries. Asking someone to stop approaching my friends feels strange but at the same time I need my peace and I don't want them lurking around.

Here's another vote for pathway 3.

Boundaries are complex. At their best, boundaries are not requirements for others. They are an expression of what you will or won't do, or engage with. At their best, they are self-enforcing: you can just DO them. And when they are viable, they can be enforced without resort to nuclear options.

In this matter, you have the ability to simply ignore the fact that they seem enamored with your friends' online media posts. Your friends' posts, and this person's liking of them, really must be accepted as beyond your influence. I understand how it is frustrating, and I don't mean to diminish the emotions that inspires.

If you are asked again to get together, that is harder. I'd discourage you from saying no with a tough explanation. Telling a toxic person they are toxic can lead us onto unpleasant pathways that will make you want to escape into peace. Better to go straight to the peace. You will probably fair far better by declining with the least explanation: "sorry, super busy lately!" Just like any suitor with a clue figures out that the lady isn't interested, your old friend will eventually get it.

Good luck to you. This is hard stuff. I am glad you are making a kind break, and getting yourself the peace you deserve.

[Tina Rosie]

Thank you for your reply! Yes makes sense the boundaries shouldn't be there to ask someone else to behave differently. Indeed peace is very important. And it is a tough thing when emotions like resentment are involved. But hoping to get over this. Thank you!