Annoying trait

[walking on broken glass]

Not sure if this is suitable for here but it's been on my mind so I thought I'd share.

I have recently made a new friend and we've been hanging out at regular intervals over the past one and a half years. We chat quite often as well. She is nice, trustworthy, stable, and we share similar views of the world - probably the only friend I have with whom I fully agree on politics, social matters etc., something that is very important to me. However, I have noticed that she can be very judgemental and has a kinda snobbish attitude sometimes. I don't think she means to, but she comes across like that. For instance, she has confessed to me that she enjoys online arguments and I have seen her argue with people online (all very civilized but she tends to make rather snarky comment, and I am thinking why bother?). Moreover, she is very particular with films. A friend had recommended a movie to us, which we both watched separately and, while I thought it was an ok movie, she tore it apart and was quite upset and angry after she had watched it because of how bad it was. I was taken aback a bit and said 'well, it wasn't great but good to pass the time on a Sunday evening', and she insisted that it was awful and that she knows of many entertaining movies but this wasn't one of them, and she proceeded to tell me that she has very high standards when it comes to movies. I said well it really depends on the time and the mood for me, and she jokingly sent a gif that she is an aristocrat and I am the plebs. Her attitude annoyed me because even as a joke the implication was that her taste is more refined or something. Another time she watched a film I had suggested, which I really liked, and she said to me that it was good but not 'unforgettable'. I found the phrasing again vexing.

Now, to be fair, I don't think she is trying to deliberately annoy me or that she realizes that she might come across as snobbish. I think she just voices her views exactly as they form in her head, with no filter. I've often wondered whether she might be on the spectrum (there are some other indications but I am no expert). My question is why does this annoy me so much? I wonder if this has anything to do with my background. Of course everyone has annoying traits, noone is perfect, but I find that this specific one really bugs me and I dwell on it. I am very reluctant to recommend another movie or watch and discuss movies with her. It does bother me as well that I didn't show my annoyance but I wasn't sure how to do it without sounding sour. Funny enough, she's told me that her therapist has said to her that she has the tendency to be too judgemental.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I am no expert on when an annoying trait crosses over into "red flag" territory. However, I do believe in trusting your gut instincts and how it makes you feel. Perhaps the reason you find it annoying is that your own internal warning system is starting to alert you.   
               
It is OK to have different opinions on a movie. What I do not know is OK is sending a derogatory text about it and framing it as a joke. It sort of seems like it might be a bit of gaslighting behavior.
       
I think the way you are responding to it right now is fine though. You are informed on such dynamics, you are questioning some behaviors you witnessed, and are stepping back a bit. In the moment when we see such behavior occur, it seems to rarely result well if we start explaining, defending our arguing our point of view.

Perhaps it is enough right now to just continue on with the awareness you have and keep checking in with yourself, and making needed adjustments as the conditions may arise.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Blueberry Pancakes!
I think this might be triggering for me because both of my parents had this high and mighty attitude when it came to movies, music etc., as if they were better than the 'common people'. We had to be better and different. As a teenager I didn't watch any of the series that all my classmates watched, nor did I listen to some of the pop music they did, because it was frowned upon. And both parents are very judgemental, in general. Maybe that's the sore point for me.

I was very tempted to reply with a sarcastic comment but I decided to let it go. I want to say something, however, if the opportunity arises in the future.

We booked to go to the theatre together, and she wanted the more expensive seats that were closer to the stage. I was ok with being further back, given that those tickets were half the price, so we booked different seats. She said to me 'what must you think of me, that I am some kind of posh snob' and I said 'why would I think that? Will you be thinking that I am cheap?'.

She is also very particular about food. She likes expensive restaurants, wine pairing etc. whereas I am not fussed about those things and I am more comfortable with more relaxed places. There was another instance that triggered me: I had a party for my birthday, for which I had given her advance notice and she had put it in her diary and said she and her partner were definitely coming. A couple of days before the party she messaged me to say they could only arrive around 10 (the party started at 7.30) because they had accidentally booked to go for dinner on that same day to their favourite restaurant, which is closing down and didn't have an alternative date. It annoyed me because she presented it in a matter of fact way, as if it were completely normal to arrive at a party when it would be ending, but she clearly thought that eating at the restaurant was more important. They ended up arriving around 11 because it was a tasting menu and the courses had to be served at specific intervals.

Anyways, I am mentioning the restaurant/theater stories because I think they are connected to this committment to a higher aesthetic or vague air of elitism, however one can define it. This is probably what I am reacting to.

[Catothecat]

Reading what you wrote, Broken Glass, reminded me of an encounter I had with a friend years ago.  I'd always noticed her tendency to get upset whenever I disagreed with her on something, and that disagreement or difference of opinion didn't need to be about something important like politics but could be about almost anything.  I started feeling like I was catering to her and her insecurities by walking on eggshells around her, that my role as a friend was to help maintain her fragile ego structure by never disagreeing with her.  And what she considered a "disagreement" started to seem like it was anything I said that wasn't a parroting of something she said.

The breaking point came when she started talking about a novel she particularly loved, and I told her I tried to read it but couldn't finish it, didn't like it.  She said, well in that case I feel sorry for you.  After that I put her in the casual friend category.  I was sorry to lose her as a better friend, but her friendship requirements were ones I was no longer willing to meet. 

So I agree that it all comes down to what your comfort level is with this particular friend.  If she is making you more and more uncomfortable, pay attention to those feelings because your feelings about the situation matter. 

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks catofthecat!
Your friend sounds like a handful! She reminds me of another friend I have, who takes disagreement personally, and needs to know that she is right about everything. I have also placed her in the casual friend category and now find her rants mildly amusing. With this friend though it is a bit different, because she has actually worked (and keeps working) on herself, she is more emotionally mature and I like her and respect her more.

I moved to a new city during COVID, after my contract had ended, and meeting people has been difficult. I tried to socialise with a few other people but we did not click. This is why I was so excited when I met someone that we see eye to eye and I could be friends with. I don't think she realises how much her behaviour annoys me because I didn't express it, as I find it hard to do without sounding dismissive or offensive. I wonder if our friendship has reached the stage where I could tell her, if something similar comes up. She is stubborn but she is open to discussion about things.

[Cat of the Canals]

I think it's the "I have high standards" part that is offensive/annoying. Because the suggestion is that you don't. Which she then reinforced with the aristocrat/pleb "joke."

My parents are also major snobs, and I find that behavior in other people very irritating and off-putting. It's fine for people to not like things, and I'm actually often curious to find out what people liked or didn't like about something when I happen to disagree. But when it strays into "my opinion is correct/superior," I'm done listening and usually done discussing such things with that person.

[Catothecat]

I certainly hope the friendship works out, Broken Glass.  I know how hard it is to find and keep friends. 

I suspect saying something to her if she continues these behaviors and comments won't have much effect because it seems she's aware of what she's doing and how it can come across.  It doesn't sound like she thinks it's a big deal.  Possibly she's accepted this trait in herself and expects everyone else to accept it as well.  That would be fine if she just let it go.  But sending out "joke gifs" almost as a reminder to you of what happened seems off.  The element of, we agree that we disagree, isn't there.  She still wants the upper hand.

It could be just because she feels the need to explain herself and she's gotten into the habit of doing it in a dysfunctional manner.  Some people get defensive when they worry you will view them as "elitist" or a snob so double-down on the behavior as a way of asserting themselves--something they don't realize they don't have to do when they're among friends.  Maybe telling her she doesn't have to explain herself regarding her tastes and preferences might be effective. 

Anyway, I hope you can work it out with her. 

[walking on broken glass]

Some people get defensive when they worry you will view them as "elitist" or a snob so double-down on the behavior as a way of asserting themselves--something they don't realize they don't have to do when they're among friends.

I think this is spot on. She has given me the impression that she is very sensitive on the subject of class and she wants to show that she is aware of her privileges. Of course it is good to be aware of your own privileged state and realize that other people's circumstances are different. But sometimes this comes across as a bit contrived. Both she and her partner work in corporate, profit-oriented environments that don't have such sensitivities, so sometimes I wonder if she feels guilty for that (which she shouldn't) and tries to overcompensate.

Anyways, perhaps it's not important to understand the psychology behind this but maybe I should speak up if she says something that annoys me. Like, as you suggest @catothecat, 'it's fine to have different tastes and you don't need to label them.'

Oh and something funny: the other day she was saying she hates the aesthetic of a movie and, she added, 'I haven't seen it, I judge it from the trailers'.

[NBRiverGuy]

Most people can have snobbish/narcissistic behavior from time to time without having a PD. I have recognized, usually in hindsight, that I have offended a friend with my own judgmental comments. I feel guilty about it the next day, call them, and apologize for my behavior explaining that I spoke without thinking. They usually say it was no big deal and we move on.

That is a big difference between me and my uNPw. Number one, she deliberately makes judgmental comments without regard for the other person's feelings. More importantly, I am realizing that she has never shown remorse or apologized for any of her comments. If someone solicits an apology, she will always qualify it with "but". "I'm sorry if you're offended, but..." It's never "I offended you" but "You were offended." I'm just now recognizing that these two statements have very different implications.