Why grey rocking and medium chill are so important

[treesgrowslowly]

A lot of us here on the site know the value of grey rock and medium chill when we are around narcissists.

In reflecting on some of the losses I still have to grieve from the past, I am looking at how some of the people I bonded to, were very intent on shaming me (and everyone around them).

Medium chill and grey rocking were important ways to protect myself from their attempts to shame me. And I mean I knew multiple people who would shame people - simply for existing!

As this article explains, these are people who don't want to feel any shame so they throw it onto someone around them.

When you first start to grey rock it can feel uncomfortable because it can look like you are letting the PD get away with their shaming behaviours.

But it is worth practicing and keeping at it. PDs  and their FMs  will try to shame us for trying to heal, for having new boundaries, for needing to rest, for speaking up, for not speaking up....the list is endless.

I like this article because it explains that shame is commonplace in our society today, and why.

For those of us who are getting Out of the FOG,  I think it's really important to feel freedom from other people shaming us. Grey rock and medium chill definitely helped me to protect myself when PDs were trying to throw their shame on me.

I think recovering from shame is an important process to get Out of the FOG. Thoughts?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/intimacy-path-toward-spirituality/202207/sneaky-obstacle-undermines-our-well-being

[bee well]

Thanks for posting this, Trees.

I agree that recovering from shame is a huge part of the coming Out of the FOG process.

Until fairly recently I had no idea how much of my behaviour (and thinking) was shame based.

Many times when I have been stuck, it was fear of shame (or failure) that kept me there.

I  believe fawning, in some cases, is a trauma response to avoid shame. (When we speak our mind freely, narcissists are threatened by that, and then go into their shame attacks. Fawning keeps them at bay.)

Grey rocking and medium chill are much healthier antitotes to shame. When we don't give "them" an opening, there's less chance of being subjected to their shame inducing behaviour.

I really liked the part of the article where it talks about not judging ourselves for feeling shame, and to acknowledge it when it happens.

On a related note:
Yesterday I spoke to MIL and she asked what I was making for lunch. I told her, then after a disapproving "harumph" she went on about how with this heat it was right that she was preparing such and such dishes "to eat only what is fresh and genuine." (Her usual food wierdness, it's always something.)

After that conversation I had a niggling feeling and felt stupid that the sensation was bothering me.

Now I realize MIL left me with the "not good enough" feeling, and I was judging myself for letting her get to me. I know the shame feeling is false, fortunately. But that's what she does.

A better response to MIL's  question "So what are you making for lunch?" might have been  "Oh, nothing in particular."  If she had insisted then the next step would have been "Gotta go, someone's at the door!  (or some variation of that!)

I think I need to make a big sign that says "Grayrock!" and stand on front of it each time I speak to MIL. Not kidding!

Thanks again for the article and the points you brought up in your post.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Bee well,

I am glad you found the article helpful too.

I can't speak for others, but gray rocking got easier for me the more I practiced it. Like you said, once you start answering "oh, nothing interesting" to their fishing for info questions, it becomes a bit of a habit you can develop (with them specifically).

My uPDm was the same way. She was never actually curious about what I was up to. Questions like "where did you fuel up your car last week?" were just questions she could use to lead to doing exactly what you describe. No matter what I said, her answer was that I didn't know what I was doing, and she was better than me.

Once I caught on to that, I knew there was zero point in giving a full or honest answer to these questions. "I can't remember" became a good response I used a lot. (she would just launch into talking about whatever it was she wanted to say anyways, about how she's the only one who knows where to get gas for her car etc etc...").

Hey, making a sign for a reminder isn't a bad idea at all!

Trees

[bee well]

Hi Trees,

That example about fueling the car hit home. It doesn't matter how big or small the subject, it's just an "in" for shaming, or exercising superiority. So sad.

It's true about greyrocking. For me it's uncomfortable at times but gets easier with practice..It's true, greyrocking is like any other habit, just takes time to build ,,I think it would be great if people talked to their kids and taught them about this stuff (mental hygiene) like they do about brushing teeth and other types of hygiene,

I am glad we are talking about it here.

Speaking of signs, I have MIL call scheduled this weekend and so I am going to write my "grey rock" reminder...:-)

[NarcKiddo]

https://magritte.com/737-large_default/poster-the-domain-of-arnheim.jpg

I don't know if the link will work but if not it is a link to a poster of Magritte's painting "The Domain of Arnheim"

Your comment about the grey rock reminder notice made me think of this poster and how useful it would be to hang a print on the wall. The rock of the eagle, guarding the nest (you/your sanity). A bit less intrusive than a big sign saying "grey rock" 

[bee well]

Hi NarcKiddo! What a beautiful image and a cool idea.  I  really like it! Thank you :-)

[treesgrowslowly]

Oh my yes! What a fantastic image and a great way to remember grey rock! Thanks for sharing that link.

Beewell hope your talk went OK.

I totally agree. How crazy that we don't teach children about anything that would help them with this stuff. Personally I think it is because in any high school if you try to teach them about grey rock, you'd have the narcs (on staff) freaking out at being exposed. Ugh. At least they learn about bullying now in some schools. And narc adults are often bullies. I had several teachers that were bullies.

Would have been empowering to learn something about narc abuse by high school.

But as a society we don't take responsibility for what is being passed on to the next generation yet. We just have to do what we can with the people around us. Teach about narc abuse if they are open to learning.

I once knew someone who just refused to learn about narcs. I found it hard to be friends with her after that.

Trees

[bee well]

Good day  All!
NarcKiddo, Thank you once more for introducing us to "The Domain of Arnheim" I've read more about the ideas behind it. Very powerful. From now on I will always associate it with grey rock....!

Trees,
The last MIL call went as well as can be. She didn't ask any questions or make any personal attacks. She went on about herself and blattered gossip about her bestie. Mostly, "uh huh uh huh" on my part. She called not too long ago and I didn't pick up...

I agree that many teachers are bullies. Bullies and narcs creating future bullies and narcs. As you write, those of us who know  can make a difference through our actions and passing the info to those who will listen, down through the generations.

That's too bad about your friend. I totally get why it's hard to be a friend to a person who couldn't understand narc abuse (or abuse of any kind) or at least acknowledge its existence. People like that are in my view potentially unsafe, possibly enablers, flying monkeys, and/or narcs themselves. It is hard to unsee that.

Quite awhile ago you gave me some insight about an old friend who has for years shown what I see as vulnerable N traits. Thanks again for that. Update:  I haven't heard from her since I told her I couldn't talk as I told her "I had some issues to resolve."(No JADEing)

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Beewell,

Thanks for the update about your friend that has faded away after you told her you had some things to work on. I have watched a lot of people do that, especially in my 20s - as soon as I told the person I had some things to work on, they faded away, never to return and show any interest in a real friendship. There are good reminders out there from more and more therapists now, online articles and books, about how we will see this happen as part of our recovery and our own growth. People who are 'fair weather friends' will fade away, never to return.

Thank you for what you wrote in reply to me sharing about that former friend who refused to learn about narcissism. That is a good point you made that I had not thought about in that way at all. I thought it was really odd that she didn't want to learn about narcissism, I mean just reading an article about it, she couldn't do it. I am not sure I believe we can remain in denial about narcissism at this point - shouldn't we all be equipped with tools and education about it? It is pretty pervasive in society....that denial kinda hit me hard at the time and I guess I wasn't interested in bridging the gaps between her and I after that.

Trees

[bee well]

Hi Trees,

So true, that, about friendship.

Your comment about reading got me thinking about bridges. If a friend knows how to read and you refuse to consider what you want to share, huge red flag.

I can see you and I are on the same page, but I will  permit myself to state the obvious for the sake of the larger discussion.

Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there who don't have access to information (or therapy) and with the tools that they are working with aren't capable of understanding narcissism (as a technical term) and might not ever be able to .

(As for cutting losses with friends, people who have been narcissistically abused, and are later informed become very good at sensing when there is a bridge to build (safe to engage.)

in many cases it has to do with where one lives, and what resources they are working with. The resources to be logistically and materially available. To borrow a phrase you used in a different thread, it's going to be an "ongoing process."

It hard for a person who has been narcissistically abused to be really intimate friends with someone who doesn't get it, but as long as two people respect each other and value each other, then there is room for dialogue, and connection on some level.


It comes down to how people treat other people, I think. Is someone capable of having a conversation about this? How do they react to others' suffering? If they are sensitive to the last two (receptive, empathetic) then I think they can be "safe enough" friends.
To answer your question, I don't think we can afford to not learn about this. But will "we?"

I think about human history and I have my doubts--but then again I look at the proliferation of information, and recent open conversations about mental health, and that's a huge sign of hope.

I'm glad conversations like these are being had.