Memorial Day party and uBPDm's birthday

[bohemian butterfly]

This has always been a rough time of the year, as it's my mother's birthday and Memorial Day (uBPDm always hosts a cookout).  This year, she invited me, and I told her that I was unsure and that unfortunately I'd have to either decline or give a last minute's notice.  She said she'd hope for the best.

Well as the weekend came closer, i realized that we (boyfriend and I) had three farm stands to attend.  I actually considered getting up early on Monday morning (like 4:00 AM), driving 6 hours, staying at the cookout for 2-3 hours and driving back home......but then I realized that I was once again not honoring myself and going way above and beyond.  Point blank, I am busy, can't come this time, will try to get together another time.

Right now I am super stressed.  More than likely my 4 year relationship will be ending soon.  It seems like after I came Out of the FOG and went to counseling to deal with my enmeshed mother, and erected boundaries, my romantic relationship is falling apart.  I think I have changed and my boyfriend is rejecting the new me (I have posted extensively about this in the "chosen relationships" and "separating/divorcing" forum.

Basically my life is falling apart, but I feel like it is necessary.

I sent my mother a happy birthday text and told her that her present is enroute (I had held onto it just in case I did drive to their house over the break).  She replied back stating that they missed me (at the cookout and that their pool was a hit!"  Wow, is it me or was that a subtle dig.  We missed you, but, we had a blast!   All I can do is laugh.  She has no idea how to love without guilt trips.  I think I've healed from her, my main concern now is unenmeshing from boyfriend.

I think I have the tools, but I'm very fearful and I'm very emotional.  I thought he was the one.  My mind gets scrambled because one day he resents me, the next he's singing my praises.

I'm tired of everyone and I need a break.  I need to be there for me.

[gettingstronger1]

More than likely my 4 year relationship will be ending soon.  It seems like after I came Out of the FOG and went to counseling to deal with my enmeshed mother, and erected boundaries, my romantic relationship is falling apart.  I think I have changed and my boyfriend is rejecting the new me

.

bohemian butterfly,

I am sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time with your mother and boyfriend.  Often times it does feel like things pile up at once.  It is true that when we deal with our issues regarding our PD parents we end up changing as a result.  As you know, life is a process of learning and changing.  The change within ourselves from dealing with PD families is normal and good.   We are better able to set healthy boundaries in our lives.   This positive change does have the potential to affect other relationships too.  You probably are changing in the eyes of your boyfriend.  If he is emotionally healthy, he will be glad to see you set healthy boundaries and become more emotionally independent. An emotionally healthy man wants strong people in his life and he is not threatened by it.  (Same for emotionally healthy women. No double standards here.)  Now is the time to take a very objective view of your relationship with your boyfriend and ask yourself:
Is he emotionally healthy?
Is he working on his issues?
Does he treat you appropriately? 
Is there any abuse?
I know it might feel hard to lose him if he does not seem ready for a healthy relationship, but it is much better to be alone for awhile and wait for someone who is right for you. In the meantime, you can continue to work on your own personal growth. With time, things have a way for working out for the better.  We all learn from our past relationships.  This includes me. I hope to learn, grow and change til the day I die. It is the people who refuse to grow and change that struggle the most.