Boyfriend and BP mother

popcorn2 · July 07, 2019, 06:19:52 AM

I would like to ask you your opinion about a situation I'm in. I have a boyfriend and my mother was at first ok with this relationship, but at some point I think she started feeling left out or feared I will abandon her and she started acting irrational, even in front of him. He doesn't live in the same country and he stayed at home with us. I was naive or silly thinking it could work and she would behave or wouldn't spoil it, but I was wrong. She had a few crazy episodes in front of him. I told my boyfriend about how she is and he can't really understand the extent of her problem, I don't blame him, it took me long to find out myself what she had and what it is. I'm still learning. She complains about him, she makes me doubt about my relationship with her comments, she spies my phone to see who I'm talking too...she's always been like this but I am so enmeshed with her that even though I knew it was wrong I tolerated most of her controlling behavior.

The thing is this relationship is new and I don't know if it's fair to ask my boyfriend to share this painful burden with me. I don't have any brothers or sisters and my family will expect me to look after her since she's old and has other health issues. If he lived in same city it would be easier but having to travel means he would have to spend time with her and her BPD.

Thank you

popcorn2 · July 08, 2019, 09:00:32 AM

Could anyone give me their opinion?Thank you.

bloomie · July 08, 2019, 09:34:00 AM

popcorn2 - do you mind if I ask for a bit of clarification... are you asking if it is fair to share what is going on in your life with him emotionally/verbally as part of your support system?

If that is the case, as it is a new relationship it might be most fair to continue building a foundation with him of trust and good will between you and see how serious the relationship is going to be before you go too much further than you already have with how distressing your mom's behaviors can be.

popcorn2 · July 08, 2019, 09:49:37 AM

He knows how distressing my mother's behavior is, although he doesn't understand it completely. I mean if it's fair for him to have to experience all this distress just to be with me.

TriedTooHard · July 08, 2019, 10:00:25 AM

Hi, is there any way you can travel to him for visits? Or can he stay somewhere else when he travels to you? Have you considered a long term plan for your living arrangements? Even if you didn't have the boyfriend, what are your thoughts about living apart from your mother? You don't have to be your mother's caretaker.

Sorry about all the questions. The first 2 questions lean toward the issue of you not starting a relationship out on a bad foot. I don't mean to discourage you from a relationship with the boyfriend, but it sounds like you might need to untangle yourself, at least emotionally, from your mother before you can be in a serious relationship. Its ok to take it slowly in the beginning - its a sign of a true friendship if it evolves that way. No one has a perfect life, and there's no shame that you have a uBPDm, but even if you had an emotionally healthy mother, letting any new friendship (romantic or otherwise) evolve slowly is usually a good thing.

bloomie · July 08, 2019, 10:03:05 AM

Maybe what this new relationship is showing you is there is a time in our lives when we begin to separate from our FOO and establish a new life for ourselves. Where we, as individuals, develop healthy boundaries and core values that would limit the amount of chaos and disruption disordered people could bring into our lives and relationships that are important to us.

It is one thing to have a partner who is supportive of us in all of our ups and downs and quite another to expect a new person to live in the muck and mire of enmeshment with an intrusive and divisive parent with us. I hope that makes sense?

popcorn2 · July 08, 2019, 02:25:10 PM

Quote from: TriedTooHard on July 08, 2019, 10:00:25 AM
Hi, is there any way you can travel to him for visits? Or can he stay somewhere else when he travels to you? Have you considered a long term plan for your living arrangements? Even if you didn't have the boyfriend, what are your thoughts about living apart from your mother? You don't have to be your mother's caretaker.

Sorry about all the questions. The first 2 questions lean toward the issue of you not starting a relationship out on a bad foot. I don't mean to discourage you from a relationship with the boyfriend, but it sounds like you might need to untangle yourself, at least emotionally, from your mother before you can be in a serious relationship. Its ok to take it slowly in the beginning - its a sign of a true friendship if it evolves that way. No one has a perfect life, and there's no shame that you have a uBPDm, but even if you had an emotionally healthy mother, letting any new friendship (romantic or otherwise) evolve slowly is usually a good thing.

Thank you very much for the questions, they are very meaningful. It's true I need to untangle myself from my mother but I haven't done it yet, for fear of creating conflict with her and other member of my family who assigned me the role of caretaker.

popcorn2 · July 08, 2019, 02:26:43 PM

Quote from: Bloomie on July 08, 2019, 10:03:05 AM
Maybe what this new relationship is showing you is there is a time in our lives when we begin to separate from our FOO and establish a new life for ourselves. Where we, as individuals, develop healthy boundaries and core values that would limit the amount of chaos and disruption disordered people could bring into our lives and relationships that are important to us.

It is one thing to have a partner who is supportive of us in all of our ups and downs and quite another to expect a new person to live in the muck and mire of enmeshment with an intrusive and divisive parent with us. I hope that makes sense?

Yes, it makes sense. Thank you so much.

lotusblume · July 08, 2019, 03:23:22 PM

Just my two cents... Is it possible the enmeshment you experience makes you feel guilty and undeserving of love and a relationship? That you would be betraying your mother to have your own life and relationship? That you're "not worth it" and you feel bad about yourself so how could anyone ever be okay with YOU? (And not just your situation?)

Something to reflect perhaps! Take care!

popcorn2 · July 08, 2019, 04:21:26 PM

Quote from: lotusblume on July 08, 2019, 03:23:22 PM
Just my two cents... Is it possible the enmeshment you experience makes you feel guilty and undeserving of love and a relationship? That you would be betraying your mother to have your own life and relationship? That you're "not worth it" and you feel bad about yourself so how could anyone ever be okay with YOU? (And not just your situation?)

Something to reflect perhaps! Take care!

Yes, I think that it's spot on and I don't know how to get out of there.