Covert Narcissistic Mother’s Acting Skills are getting better

[Grace4]

Hello,

Not sure where to begin bc it's a long story haha. Basically my mom is a covert narcissist, it took me 32 years to realize she had a PD. She also has Borderline tendencies too, she could be a mix. I happened to be the scapegoat in the family so I was always being punished unfairly. Anyway, ever since I figured out what she was and began to come Out of the FOG, I started setting serious boundaries that she wasn't happy with!  She punished me in covert ways though so it wouldn't be obvious to an outsider. She comes across as sweet, thoughtful, caring, talented and humble to outsiders. She also has "health problems" so she uses that for sympathy too. However, her mask started coming down around my husband and he started noticing things weren't quite right. Long story short, I think my mom has always known somewhere deep down that I have her number and can see through her BS. I think she knows my husband does too now. I think she's scared of us  at some level and it's afraid of losing me. So she's really stepped up her acting skills in front of us. Like she'll hug my dad and says he's a wonderful man. In the past she would have been just as emotionally abusive to my dad  in front of us. Or she'll compliment me and it seems sincere but I know it's not.  There is a part of me that feels like I'm going crazy when this happens, like I made it all up. Another part is so angry bc I know the truth and want people to see the witch she truly is! I always leave feeling so alone and confused.  It's a terrible feeling. Perhaps I'm in an emotional flashback when this happens? Does anyone else who has a covert narcissistic parent feel this way, confused? Have they become better actors since you set boundaries? Thanks for listening

[overitall]

HI Grace,

I was my uBPDm's favorite victim...I have been the scapegoat as long as I can remember...when I started coming Out of the FOG almost 20 years ago, she ramped up her behaviors...so, yes I understand what you are going through...you're not crazy...for me, when I started setting boundaries, my mom made it her intention to shame me and smear me...when she had an audience she would go out of her way to "act nice" in order for others to question why I was so low contact with her...it took my ex-husband a long time to figure her out and by that time we had divorced...he later recognized the damage she caused in our marriage and realized how truly malignant she is...
My husband now (20+ years) completely understands what she is and what she does...we are NC completely, BUT if we have to attend any type of function where she is around, she is very, very uncomfortable...she knows that we KNOW who she is and what she is all about...She is nervous because she cannot fool us...we don't want anything to do with her and it's been the best decision I ever made.
I know you want people to realize what a witch she is, and most likely, that WILL happen...PD's make mistakes and their mask slips...they can't hide it forever...make yourself safe...if other people want to engage, it's their problem...they will figure it out, I promise...my mom's in her 80's and very few people consider her a "sweet grandma"  Quite the contrary....just about everyone has figured out that she is truly a witch.

[Grace4]

Hi OveritAll,

Thanks for your response! I'm so sorry you went through all that.  That's awesome you found someone that believes your story and can see the truth too!!    It's really nice to hear that PD people can't keep up their appearance forever. Was it hard to go no contact? I feel like that may be in my future too. You're so right, trying to rid myself of toxic friends and set lots of boundaries. Being safe is so important! That should be my main focus right now.

[overitall]

For me, going NC became the only choice...I was constantly defending myself..I was stressed and depressed and her attacks were relentless...I just could not deal with it anymore...When I started coming Out of the FOG, I began to reevaluate many aspects of my life...my friends, my coworkers, just about everyone...my new mantra became, "I can only be treated as I allow someone else to treat me." 
I am now very private and guarded...I don't instantly trust others...I know it's not the best, but it's the end result of years and years of psychological abuse from uBPDm and uNPDf...After being teased, shamed, manipulated and humiliated for most of my life, I just could not do it anymore.
The breaking point for me was the "syrupy" card I would receive around the holidays...When I would receive them, I would think "this is nothing like my parents"  Do they really think they can send me a Hallmark card and wipe out all of the abuse?  For them, I think they have been behaving badly for so long that they are unable to comprehend their behaviors and the damage they cause to others...
Over time, my adult children have recognized that my parents are indeed extremely toxic...they are old, alone (except for GC sis who is waiting for inheritance $$$$)  I don't feel badly anymore...I just don't want anything to do with them and that is a permanent decision for me.
Going NC is not easy, and it's a personal decision...I lost my entire FOO....cousins, aunts, uncles...I have been smeared and if I try to defend myself, it requires reinitiating contact and beginning the cycle of abuse.  I have chosen to disengage, drop the rope, and walk away...I don't respond to anyone or anything connected to FOO...it's difficult at times, but at this point in my life it has been the norm for almost ten years...the VERY best decision I ever made..