Sick parent accuses me if trying to get her labelled incompetent

[Ariel]

My mother was in the hospital for an operation  and also got a pacemaker. She was in the hospital for 2 weeks and rehab 2 weeks.My dad has Alzheimer's so me and my nephew alternated staying at the house with him . I live 7 hours away took off work without pay. Basically cleaned and cared for dad and emotional support of mom Mom is the one with personality disorder. The doctor , nurse and social worker said she needed someone to stay with her. So my neice volunteered. But I was also talking with my mom about getting outside help if she needed it to cook, light house work once my neice left. My sister who also has a mental problem and us just plain mean, jealous put in my mother's head that me and my neice we're conspiring to have people that she needed help to I don't know get her labelled incompetent and take her stuff. Really hurt to think after all I did that she thought I was that kind if person. Oh my dad has Sundowner syndrome too means he is up all night distressed not knowing what was going on, very stressful

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi Ariel and welcome! 

I saw your addition to another thread in the Elderly PD section, and wanted to address it.

You don't HAVE to do a thing.  You are not OBLIGATED to do a thing.  Nobody will put you in Bad Daughter Jail  if you work with Team Authorities, behind the scenes - and on the phone *only* to get your parents the care they *need* instead of what your mom thinks you owe them. 

You're quite far away from your parents, and you can't put your life on indefinite hold because your mom makes bad decisions and thinks she's *owed* care from the FOO - and if she's listening to your sister, I think that's where I'd lay the blame - right at your sister's feet. 

"If you're that concerned about anybody taking advantage of mom and dad, or trying to have mom declared incompetent, YOU can see to all of this and leave me out of it."   

When you've got a normal sib and a PD sib, THAT is going to go over like a lead balloon - but you've got to be *firm.*  NO involvement, when it comes to time or money.   

If your sister is helping your mom make bad decisions, SHE can be the one who sees to caring for them.

She'll probably start sputtering excuses like a motorboat - but but but but but but...

But you have to be *firm.*  And it's *hard.*  But it's *important* - for your future.   

If she follows standard PD 101, she just wants to sit back and wait for cash and prizes to fall into her lap, while somebody else does all the work. 

This is why it's important to work behind the scenes, if possible.  If you are the Medical Proxy, you have a direct ear to her doctors, and can explain what's going on, with your mom being none the wiser.   

You can tell them of her refusal to have help in and ask  about sending the Visiting Nurse around - the Visiting Nurse will check on your mom and perhaps your dad (you'll have to speak to his doctor about that) and the Visiting Nurse is also a mandated reporter - if she thinks more help is needed and APS needs to get involved, they'll be alerted.   

APS  will call you and try to "motivate" you - tell them no, it's not possible, you're too far away, *they* will have to come up with something.   

And yes, in the thread you posted on, they will use with word, "unwilling" when you say IMPOSSIBLE - that's okay.  It's just a word meant to make you feel horrible about yourself - and you can laugh and retort, "I don't care WHAT you write down, I can't do it.  Goodbye."   

*Please* don't fall for, "You can't go over for even one hour a week!?!?"

Yeah - you're going to go that far for one hour a week, that quickly becomes two, four, an entire day - then you're rearranging your vacation time and looking into more unpaid family leave because they really DO need full-time care - I call that Caregiver Creep, and it's a *very* slippery slope that often we don't  even notice until we're tumbling down it.

NO, not even ONE hour a week.  It's not possible.   

BTW - if you say you have a job, kids, a husband and a life, they're still going to write down *unwilling* - so  get used to the discomfort of it and get *motivated* by it to *keep your boundaries!* 

If your sister is the Medical Proxy - you can only suggest things to doctors,  but they won't be able to give you information.  Keep on them, if your sister is telling you how she can't take care of your parents, she is afraid of that ever-present THEM  stealing their stuff or declaring your mom incompetent, they don't need care or YOU need to do it because she can't for reasons.         

A dialog in the background with Team Professionals without your sister knowing is probably your best bet in getting your parents the care they need.   

If your sister is doing an abysmal job - or nothing at all - you might want to consider calling APS on your parents, in their jurisdiction, to get the ball rolling on keeping them both *safe.* 

Write out your narrative, in advance - then pare it down.  Get comfortable with saying this stuff out loud - it *really* helps, IME, if you explain it like it's old news and you're just a bit tired of  repeating it, but can find a bit of humor and understanding  for the limitations of the person you're speaking with. 

As I said, IME.   Your mileage will vary, of course.   

If your sister and mom have actual diagnoses of mental disturbances, that helps.  If you *suspect* - that's what you say.   DO mention your father's Alzheimer's  and that it's getting beyond what your mother is capable of coping with, due to her own health and emotional instability.

Tell the truth to *yourself* before making that phone call, and emphasize you can do *nothing*  but work behind the scenes to get your parents help - and they need help.

I didn't have this experience, but be prepared  for your mom and sister to both buzz in your ear like angry hornets  for not only sharing family dirty laundry, but *shirking your duties* - or going absolutely ballistic for not saving them from themselves and their bad decisions.   

Remember:  it is NOT your responsibility to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. 

You can block them, if you want - and I would.  I'd communicate with Team Authorities *only* and let them reap  the fallout of their own bad decisions.

There is another option - the Nuclear Option.  Drop the rope, block numbers like crazy and just *walk away.*     

If social workers call you -  refer them to your mom and sister and block them.

You can stay *completely out of it* if that's what you think is best, and let APS fight with your mom and sister about your dad's care - and possibly even your mom's care.

Think about it from a non-emotional standpoint and ask yourself what you'd do if a friend presented you the exact same situation - how would you advise that person?

I'm just laying out options - mine was to walk away and let APS make the call that got unNPD Ray declared incompetent, when he expected me to be his replacement unBPD  Didi and was  *pissed* as hell, overplayed his hand, fell in the bathroom and *refused* to use his Life Alert  Button, which was right by his hand!   

He thought they'd get me over there and ream my ass out about being a BAD DAUGHTER, and he'd have a slave  he could order around and abuse at will, just like when I was a child.

Nope.  Didn't happen.  By staying out of it and working with Team Authorities, behind the scenes for *months* (including telling 4 different rounds of social workers NO, I can't do a thing for him; what part of that don't you understand?  ) -  Ray is where he needed to be maybe 10, 15 years ago.

Do what works best for you.  This isn't a one-size-fits-all life.  You have to live with your conscience and sleep at night.   Whatever you *decide* - after weighing all the facts -  is the *right answer* - for now, and it's subject to change when more facts are presented.

The LESS hands-on involvement with your mom and sister that you have, I think a more *clear* picture will evolve  - and you'll make informed choices;  not react out of FOG. 

[coyote]

Ariel it is unfortunate that sis and mom are reacting that way. It might help to remember the 3C's, you did not Cause it, Can't control it, and sure can't Cure it.

[Ariel]

Thanks for the support. I have had my sister blocked for a few months when she caused trouble on my life recently ( by the way she was having major temper tantrums to my mom about it). I really want nothing to do with my mom. My nephew has contact and the nurse is there for awhile, 2x a week. I think the whole thing will crash on her. But she can get help . I hope to stay strong. I worry a little about my dad. But their is still some resentment for all the emotional abuse my whole life and physical abuse as a child from my mom. When he was there he tried to stop the physical abuse but I had to always apologize to my mom. Wasn't a true protector. Now she verbally abuses him, more than she used to. But he forgets. She doesn't remind him to take his medicine and may or may not make him food if he sleeps through meals.he eats cookies.i do feel bad but he did choose her and left us home with her.
My mom is not diagnosed but there is something wrong with her. But on public she is sweet. Sister is seeing a doctor so idk about her she takes antianxiety and antidepressants, and whatever else she can get, anyone's pain meds.
I have let my mom's messages go to voicemail,ask my husband to read them and let me know if I want to hear them. He says no and deletes them

[Ariel]

No one has medical proxy, I don't think she trusts anyone.

[WomanInterrupted]

No medical proxy - things just got a hell of a lot easier for you.

You've got a few of choices:

1.  Do nothing.  Walk away.  Your mother roars at you about needing help - you stonewall her with Medium Chill and kick her up the food chain to the appropriate agency that can help - Meals on Wheels, the Senior Van, her doctor or pharmacist, having her groceries or medications delivered, hiring an aide, etc.

2.  Speak to her doctor and tell him what's going on - she's refusing ALL help that isn't you and that's not possible, as you live so far away, you know he can't discuss anything with you due to privacy laws, but would it be possible to send the Visiting Nurse 'round, because you're worried not only about her - but your dad, who has Alzheimer's.

3.  Call APS and explaining the situation to them - stressing you  are too far away to actually help out, which is why you're turning to them.  Your sister seems determined to make your mom paranoid of outsiders, she's not helping out, and the situation needs to be looked into, because of your dad.

4.  Block your mom's number and let your sister deal with it all - you mentioned your sister is blocked, so you won't have to hear any of it.  If they involve Flying Messenger Monkeys, block them, too.

5.  As Coyote wisely noted, remember you didn't cause any of it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

6.  You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Remember:  it is NOT your responsibility to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

I need that cross-stitched on a pillow!

[Ariel]

What is APS? I am going to stay out of it for now. Mom hasn't called and probably won't for awhile because I "did something wrong".  I know it's wrong but will let my nephew handle it.a d if it can't I will call who I need to.

[Ariel]

So I sent flowers to my mom. I know they got there but she didn't call . I knew she wouldn't because she wouldn't be the first to make the call . Such a game. However I am not playing a game a literally feel sick , anxious and scared at the thought of calling her. Despite my nephew saying I only wanted to make sure she was ok and only wanted the level of help she needed AND wanted, she is still talking to him about how I was talking to my niecw about how we were recording her actions to document her need for help and I guess get her labelled incompetent and take her money. So I would call if she would be nice but u don't want to hear her false accusations and her negative opinions of me. Especially since I just devoted 3 weeks of taking care of them , cleaning their house, driving 2000 miles and losing time from work , with no pay for a few days and working overtime to accure time off. And when my sister who can do no wrong does nothing. Nothing but bad mouth me.
So I know this sounds crazy but I may call her in the car on speaker with my husband tomorrow. Usually she behaves in front of others but who knows. I know I am considered bad because I didn't follow the " rules" and call and beg her to believe me. Personally I am hurt and insulted that this is her opinion of me. Sorry long rant