Hi from My FOG

[lostarches]

Hello Everybody. Thanks ahead of time for all the good work you guys do supporting one another. Its really encouraging to look around and see the support network all these people have helped to build. Keep up the good work!

I have a complex and decade long marriage that has had many ups and downs. I'm not perfect. I have suffered abuse in my childhood, and I'm a survivor of sexual abuse at the hands of an older cousin during my childhood. When I was 18 I almost married my high school cheatin sweetheart when I thought I had a kid with her right out of HS. 3 years in she leaves. State comes knocking for a DNA sample and we all find out he wasn't my son.( A little preamble)

I met my PDw 11 years ago, at a point in my life when I felt like I had finally gotten myself squared away somewhat. I had a career that I loved, It was challenging and made it so I was independent and not really relying on anyone. I worked at a dealership that my family owned. I became an awesome technician over the 4 1/2 years I worked there, and I regret leaving every day since then.

I met my wife at a bar. We hit it off and things went fast. I found out right away that she was married.She had left him for lots of reasons. She theorized he was actually gay, that he was confused about life and being a mormon. Lack of sex. intimacy and other standard kinda too young to be married problems of high school sweethearts. She had moved several states away after wrapping up college, this was the point in which we met. She told me she was married an leaving, I pursued her. I was head over heels for her in days. Within a week she was staying at my place.  We moved quick, I was renting a room in my parents big house. I paid a really small amount of rent for the area I was living in. They fed me. It was my family. I contributed and they helped me as well, it was generally good and healthy. My mother and stepfather didn't have the most healthy relationship. They did ok, Didn't communicate well with each other. Married each other for maybe not the best reasons. I was really good friends with my Stepdad. we bonded well over work.

After a couple months of her staying at our house and basically moving in without asking, We eventually got our own place. Not entirely just us wanting our own place, but cause she really didn't like my family at all. and they had reservations about her.  Step dad owning a vehicle dealership, he had access to resources to verify people's information before sending them out on test rides. He, without talking to me, ran a sort of background check on her. He found out she was married and that she was on the deed of a condo in Arizona... and what I already knew that she was still married. I didn't really let this phase me, and I doubled down and followed her instead of the advice of my family.

I realize I am being a little rambly, but I feel it sets the tone of the relationship I've been in.

After about a month, We have a date night together at my cousin's house to watch some movies(same sexually abusive cousin, sometimes trauma and abuse are weird and we don't separate ourselves from abusers right away). He suggests an awful movie. "The Aristocrats" Not really knowing what I was getting into, we made it about 15-20 minutes before I got uncomfortable. She was hiding the fact that she had been the whole time. Switched movies to something more tame, made it maybe 10 minutes. Then she just says she doesn't want to do this. Asks if we can leave, so we do. We head back to my place.

We get inside. She grabs her blanket and pillow off my bed, turns around and walks right out the door and into her car without saying anything. the car ride home as well had been total silence. I apologize as she's walking out "My cousins a Moron, and I apologize for making you watch that filth"

"I don't care, your'e an asshole for making me watch that" And with that she left.  No contact, I tried to no avail. Come to find out a week later that she had gone to one of the guys she had met when she first got here. They had been Friends with benefits for 2-3 weeks before we met. She always talked about this guy being a big jerk. That he only used her for sex, and even one time when she asked him if anything would come of them, he replied that she wasn't anything but a whore to him. Guys a med student... total charmer.

so after multiple days of her not replying to my calls or texts, I finally stop trying. And what do you know. She shows back up. we go out for coffee. She tells me how I disrespected her by making her watch that filthy movie. And that she wasn't sure what she wanted. Then she admitted to going back to her FWB and sleeping with him a couple times. I was devastated, I'd been cheated on before and I partially knew this was coming from the way she was acting. As if she couldn't hide the guilt. I foolishly accepted her apology for cheating, and I worked to try to regain her trust... I know stupid... it should have been the other way around. I should have stood my ground on the betrayal of trust. Not concede that I royally screwed up by making her watch 20 minutes of the worlds nastiest joke as told by a bunch of famous comedians. I was too invested in seeing a relationship through with her. She was attractive, more attractive than a lot of Women I had dated. And I didn't want to lose her. I didn't have the best self image. I was a little overweight. All these things added up to me forgiving her and moving on.

We have looked back on this together and she doesn't really view it as cheating, at least not now 12 years later. I never forgot and it I grew resentful of the situation.

Roughly a month later, Her husband comes up to visit. She's nervous. She knows she will have to spend time with him. I'm hopeful that she would just tell him whats going on and tell him she wants a divorce. They had been split for at least 5-6 months. But hadn't really talked about what was going on. Her husband might have thought there might be something worth salvaging. She had to spend the next couple days with him while he was in town. She slept with him as well of course. Explaining it away as he would have been super suspicious if she didn't. It was her husband... she didn't enjoy it. blah blah blah. I ate it all hook line and sinker.

Shortly thereafter. she convinces me that its over between them and that she wants us to get our own place. I wasn't necessarily against it. She wanted us to be able to screw all the time anytime, and living in my parents house as big as it was... was putting a damper on it.

We found a place that we could afford. She was a month into the job I helped her find. So away we went. Moving out of my parents house on the day before Christmas. (god I feel so bad for putting my family through that, this is the first time I've stated that outside of my head)After this she didn't contact her husband or the other guys anymore. She seemed Happy, and we went about being young horny 20 somethings. This time was the best time from what I remember. We had fun still. The sex was amazing and constant. We both had jobs. She barely made anymore money than I did. But really once I get Out of the FOG of remembering selectively, She hated my family. Disliked that my dealership job kept me at work till 7pm, when she got off at 5 -5:30, I had to work Saturday's totally hated that part. And she felt I should be asking for money and that my step dad was screwing me in my pay.

But that wasn't really hitting me that hard, sometimes I believed her. Sometimes I felt like maybe I was a loser. This wasn't new to me. I had a super abusive Ex marine Step dad during my teenage years. Step dad Number 2, Not dealership owning stepdad Number 3. #2 had messed me up for some of my early teenage years. Calling me a waste of skin. Physically abusing me and my sisters. It had gotten so bad that my Grandparents stepped in and took me for about a 1/2 year until my mom would leave him. This had lasting impressions that left me scared for a long time. But for the most part during this honeymoonish phase I wasn't getting too down on myself cause I also felt a lot of good things had happened. I met someone with a sex drive equal or higher than my own. I had moved out and gotten my own place with her. I could afford more fun things and activities with her slightly superior earning power. Did I mention she had a hot new sports car that she let me drive her around in, It matched my Ducati rather nicely.

Fast Forward a year or so. Shes almost finished up her naturalization eval period. shes about to get permanent residency status. And we get pregnant. This is actually kinda funny... Did I mention that I love you guys already, I know this will be a long long story and probably already is. The sad part is that it really just scratches the surface, the more I talk the more I remember. I know you guys aren't a bunch of therapists. But thank you to the ones who will read all the way through. Anyways back to the stories, We had used no forms of birth control almost this whole time. She actually was worried that I might be shooting blanks, We both got Std tested cause we had also talked about having a threesome with a willing lady. And we find out that we both have chlamydia. And probably have for awhile. Get treated, Bam Pregnant. This wasn't my first rodeo. I knew what was coming. And she was super moody. I could barely handle it. I cooked up a storm. And just tried to be as supportive as I could, Went to classes together. Was super excited in general. Super confident that this time I knew it was my kid. And still am! Spoiler alert my daughter is like a clone of me! The wife gets asked if she's the nanny every now and then.

6 months pregnant. We have a huge blowout about my work. And my family in general. And I leave. I was a wreck, But I knew that I was tired of having to defend my family. Defend my stepdad/boss, and felt like my job and what I had built wasn't good enough. I hadn't gone to college like she had. I wasn't a straight A student like she was.  So I had enough and left. Asked my parents if I could stay in the guest room. I took all my stuff, everything. I left her a bed that I had brought into the relationship and a dresser. I wasn't going to be a total ass hole, and leave her with nothing. We went 7 days without talking. And she broke down and called me crying. Telling me that I was right, that she was scared about the future. Could barely sleep. She wouldn't force me to choose my family or her. And that in general she just wanted me back. Wanted to make this work. So of course I went back, and moved all my stuff back up those 4 flights of stairs to our apartment.

Stuff got a little better. hidden resentment about my family and working for the family biz. But nothing intolerable. We start talking about logistics of our new bundle of Joy that we had on the way. I was scared about the concept of childcare, mostly the insane cost where we lived on average for a 3-6 month old once we started looking. We kinda joked about one of us staying home with kid ideally.

Just before the Baby shows up she hurries and finalized her divorce. And we go to the court to get married right away. I got to bring my family!

Our daughter is born. All natural via midwifery, and a wonderful birthing center. I love this kid to death instantly. Shes Perfect nothing is wrong. Super healthy and gets to come home with us right away. The wife takes her maternity leave. And stay up most nights getting roughly 4 hours of sleep. I'm a super active dad. change as many diapers as I can, and never back down from a chance to play/hold or feed my daughter. The wife was doing great. she pumped more than she breast fed after the first couple weeks. I was mostly impressed that she was holding up really well. We have a couple weird moments a few months in. She freaks out and locks herself in the bedroom. Leaves the kid in her jumper playcenter thing. I come home, find the kiddo in her jumper. Go straight to her and pick her up, She is crying her eyes out. I start comforting her, and bam! The wife storms out of the house, Doesn't say a word. Doesn't come back for at least an hour. I calm the kid down easily and just try to get her feeling safe and happy again. Make dinner. we sit and talk once she gets back. She's having a tough time, really is starting to think about going back to work since her leave will be ending soon. She doesn't want to do daycare, mostly cause we cant afford it. And make just enough money to not qualify for any kind of assistance. So eventually we come to the stalemate of me asking for a big pay raise so we can afford Childcare, Or if my employer/step dad wanted to keep me, I needed a comparable insurance package to what she made, and at least a small raise to bump me to her wage. If she was going to stay home any longer.

I failed, and against my better judgment resigned. They tried hard and almost got me to a point she would accept. But they just couldn't match the health insurance of the big company she worked for.

This was the hardest thing I had to do. It sent a rift through my family. My step dad got in a funk and his own relationship with my mother deteriorated. My life was ok after this. I resented the fact that I had to give up what I had gained. I felt like less of a man for a long time, just a little in the back of my head. Granted I also had an amazing time raising my daughter. She was my rock. I found strength in being there for her. Helping her get through those first stages of life. I don't and will never regret the time and work I put into raising her. I loved this little human more than anything in my whole life. And things went ok. I took care of the things an ideal 50's-60's mom would do. I'd have the house clean everyday when she got home. Cooked all our dinners as she hated cooking and didn't really know how, cause nobody taught her. And generally tried to be a good man wife. I was young, still played lots of video games, but wasn't your average gamer that ignored anyone or neglected anything in order to game. It was just a hobby I could keep while raising the munchkin. Cant ride your motorcycle around with a newborn can you!

She was never the overly motherly type. She liked the reverse roles we had well. She liked being the 50's dad we would joke. And I was having a good time. Life goes on. she switches jobs. we move...

Eventually, around the kid getting to be about 5. She gets this idea that she wants to try being with another woman. She reads some books, learns of open relationships. Finds a sex club nearby. Literally drags me to it on her birthday, when I'm sick and medded up on dayquil. Wants to perform in front of people, she doesn't know my history of abuse really. And I sadly go along. I have trouble, cant perform and we leave after I make an attempt and really just shame myself. She's understanding after the fact and doesn't blame me for being sick. I know deep down she's slightly upset that it didn't turn out like she envisioned. I disliked it, and was sad that she didn't really read what was going on with me before hand(I know a healthy person would of put down a boundary). She knew that I was sick and didn't really let it affect her decision making process. I guess it was her birthday and she was gonna do this. I didn't want to say no for fear she might just go anyway.

Eventually we have a this threesome, with a girl i met. Its fun Blah blah blah. It continues down the path of poly BS. She dates a couple girls. I date a handful and have some fun. (ahem a lot of fun) She has a hard time connecting or caring at all about the girls she dates. I have a hard time not getting them to keep it casual.

This goes on for awhile. I get a job working at my stepdads new dealership/shop. The old one got invaded and bought out a couple years after I left . She hates it. Demands that I have to cover all the costs of childcare. She wont mess with the budget, and that its all on me. She relies on public transit as she refuses to drive to work, so she wont be able to help me drop off the kid or really pick her up. I sell the motorcycle I bought and restored for my wife to ride(she never did) And I had enough capital to pay for some childcare and gas to get to work!!! I made it roughly 5 months before times got slow and my paycheck couldn't cover childcare. So that job had to go. Similar situations happen off and on a couple times with other jobs I get.

And Then, It happens. I meet this girl, She started talking to me on a social media dating platform both my wife and I were using. She's younger than I would prefer, but shes smart and funny. Loves kids, and we hit it off really really well. She watches her niece regularly and we go on play dates together. My wife knows at the time whats going on. She's ok with this supposedly. Were both doing this open relationship thing and its sorta working out. She loves the stories. And the ability to tell me to fuck off and see my girlfriend instead.
But over a couple months I fall in love with this girl. And she's crazy about me. Wants to move in and be our nanny. My wife's secondary love endeavors aren't going as well as mine. They meet each other a couple times and just don't jive well. Eventually the wife feels threatened by the situation and decides she wants to pull the plug on the open relationship. Which was totally an option the whole time for either party as a boundary we had set going into it. I was bad. I had fallen for this girl when I wasn't supposed to. It was supposed to stay a physical thing and not really go any further. I break up with this sweet girl. Shes was a childhhod victim of sexual abuse, it was something we bonded over early on, not in a positive way but in a sort of "you understand what I've been through and wont judge" way. I just felt like she understood me. I had never really told my wife all of my past. She knew about the abusive stepdad, and hated my mother for putting us in that situation. But she didn't know about the sex abuse. And I always figured it might ruin me in her eyes. I broke that poor girls heart. And I loved her more than my wife for awhile.

A couple of months go by and things are rocky. we come up with this crazy idea to move out of state. We couldn't afford a house where we lived. She didn't like the fact that I had a couple Exes in the neighborhood. So we packed up and moved out of state, Close to her family. Things go well, I fully cut off contact from anyone I had been in a relationship with and try to show her that I'm still committed to our family. I get to see the abusive relationship she has with her mother. She is at times mean to her Mom. Will have yelling fights, and just generally doesn't fully get along with her parents. Has resentment about how her father left them in their original country for a couple years before moving them here. Her parents divorce shortly before we move there. They have this weird relationship still where they go to breakfast together as a family on sundays even though they just got divorced. Its just weird. 2 years, Eventually we move back. We hated it there. I made no friends and was super isolated. Didn't really find any work. Get super sick of scorpions in our yard!(Arizona isn't that fun for me or the wife)

Things have been rocky ever since. Arizona was like an interlude. Unsure of where things where heading. But being a cohesive family unit regardless. I got a job, made it 4 months before I broke down and quit. I couldn't keep it going for too long. It was still the same old rules. I had to still deal with all logistics of the kid, had to cover childcare entirely with my wages, and was still expected to do the same amount of work around the house, which was all of it. This was compounded by the fact that she now made twice what I could. I had no real bargaining power in the relationship anymore. I had broken her trust in the open relationship phase by falling in love with someone she viewed as a threat(which I can't blame her for at all ). She threatened suicide a couple times during this period. Being sick of life and everything in general. I always somehow talked her off the edge. She never made any attempts just talked.

We've been back in my home state now for 2 years. I was working with a friend out of his personal shop. building hotrods and junk, making a couple hundred bucks a week. All during the hours of when the kid was in school. I was meeting my chore load at home and doing ok mentally. She has been increasingly unhappy. She feels like we have screwed off while all her coworkers and such have all bought houses and are finally having kids. She wants to buy a house. We save up 10k are off to a good start. and we start building our credit up... Oh i forgot to mention at the beginning of the story that when we got married we also had to file bankruptcy to get her out of her home loan she had with her previous husband, among other messes I had to help her clean up, i eventually sold my Ducati to cover medical debt she racked up over a couple of years(FUCK I REGRET THAT STILL) but key point we still had a bankruptcy on our records. Long story short. We blow the money on a newer car for her, and a big ass vacation to Jamaica. Of course that wasn't her first choice. She originally wanted to spend all of it on a vacation to the Maldives. "Normal people go on vacation@! Just cause your mom sucked and didn't take you guys anywhere doesn't mean that I have to live that way" Somehow I talked her into compromising and meeting me half way. Getting a car that was lower mileage than what we had for her at the time since she totaled her last car, and maybe going for a vacation that didn't wipe out our saving in one fell swoop. I had a job at the time!! the Vacation was fun. We ditched the kid with her Mom and had a blast.

I regretted spending all the money. she didn't. But we still had not resolved the issue of getting a house. And renting was consuming a good chunk of money living on the west coast as we did. And she still wanted a house even if we couldn't manage it financially. I had to quit my job because of slowdowns in production and my pay lacking, yet again stopped by the inability to fully pay child care on my own. I felt demoralized. And lost. I wanted to provide a more permanent home for my family. But couldn't see a way to do it.

Then enters a stupid idea. A buddy of mine had lived on a sail boat of his for many years and saved a lot of money that way. I was really mechanical. Had boated a little as a kid and understood a bunch of the fundamentals. And convinced my wife of the idea of buying a boat, to live on. There was a marina close to her work that wouldn't increase her commute time. And she seemed interested in the novelty of living aboard. We took out a crazy loan, and bought a fixer upper for 8k. She took a trip to Mexico to visit her sick Grandfather, While I stayed behind to finish buying the boat. It was rough. It needed a lot of work. Had one blown Chevy 350 engine and one good one. I got started right away. and tore in. We soon stated running out of money. I was working at my buddies shop every day of the week while the kid was in school to cover the boat moorage, and try to help with the loan payment. I had been building a Vintage VW bus to cover the cost of the boat loan so we didn't pay forever. Things started falling apart. We fought. She started to resent the boat idea. and eventually once we discovered our spot on the waiting list for the marina she wanted wasn't moving at all, she really didn't want to deal with any of it anymore. She started wanting me to come up with alternatives as far as marina's went. But they all had to meet a list of criteria that was never gonna work. Shit starts hitting the fan. Shes starting to give me ultimatums, telling me that I have screwed up big time with this idea. And that I hadn't built up the VW fast enough to sell, I was lying to her and misrepresenting all these projects to her. I eventually under duress sell my beloved car, bam 6k down on the 15k . It had been 10 months of paying on this loan and we needed to make a dent in it.

I had been scrambling to make money on the side, I was going weekly to do shopping for my elderly grandparents, Cleaning their apartment. A month later I'm helping them and they decide to move to an apartment closer to their daughter. The place they had just wasn't working anymore. So I tell them I'll help them move. I could use the money and I'd most likely be much cheaper than a bunch of movers. This was a mistake. It somehow lined up with the week that my wife took  off to spend time at home and be with me. She was upset that I "Ditched her to help my Grandparents". "Dont their daughters care about them to help them move?" I rushed and hurried. and got it all done in 5 days. She was nice and helped me clean the apartment afterwards, bitching the whole way about how I didn't care about her because I allowed myself to get caught up in this. I didn't make the time off she had a priority.

We come to about 4 months ago. She goes to Arizona to be at a friends wedding. I stay behind to make one last big push to finish the VW and try to get the boat engine replacement wrapped up. I make it 3/4 of the way through the VW. And she comes back livid. I didn't charge my phone one night during my mad dash to finish fabricating on this Bus. It died as she was calling me in the morning and I didn't hear it. I was still asleep. Of course I had no clue, and wasn't really paying much attention to my phone. I had been staying up late and working 12 hours a day all week to wrap up this project. She came home 2 days later, Super angry Livid as hell and ready to kick me out of the house, And I can take the kid with me!

I hadn't gotten the VW done. The marina wasn't moving fast enough to get us in. I had been "lying" about how fast I could get this all done to her supposedly, And now since I didn't answer my phone on Saturday that now I must have been cheating this whole time. She goes through my phone... Granted I broke my First Iphone back shortly after breaking our open relationship arrangement. It had backed up to the cloud. I got an android for our time in Arizona. Shortly before coming back we both upgraded our phones and I went back to apple not thinking twice about what I might of had saved to the cloud from back then. I restored my new phone from my cloud backup and away I went. Im a little sloppy and disorganized. So I didn't really go through my phone and delete old stuff. I just started adding new stuff! I had Way Way down at the bottom of my text messages some texts from that lovely girl I dated. She had sent me some classy nudes. I say classy because they were tasteful and not super revealing. I had "kept" one of those pictures. the only clothed one, In a photo storage app that I regularly used for naughty pictures of my wife and I. I dont know why I had kept this one picture of her. I guess I just didn't want to forget her. Maybe I'm just an asshole or a perv that cant get over her. But I just didn't want to let go entirely. She found this picture first and started really deep diving through it while I was asleep. We fought, so much. she had no confidence that I had actually broken things off. Hell I kinda can't blame her for feeling this way. I only knew about the one clothed picture I'd stored in the app. I had totally forgotten about the original texts that she sent me years ago.

Of course a good gaslighter never discloses all of her ammo! She drilled me for weeks, accusing me of everything under the sun. Blaming me for all the problems we had been having lately, And generally very upset, leaving us at times.  She told me she considers what happened with that girl cheating. And she was still determined that I was cheating. We have a big blow out. She tells me that I'm lying that I only have the one picture. She pulls out my phone and scrolls through the 100 text messages in my inbox, and pulls up the original text messages almost all the way down at the bottom. I was shocked! I couldn't believe I had left those there for so long and didn't even remember. She wants me to explain what it was that I was attracted to in this 19 year old girl. And for the first time ever I broke down and started spilling my guts.

I told her that I loved that girl. And that I felt like we bonded over the fact that we were both victims of sexual abuse, She loved my daughter, and thought the world of me. so on and so forth, She got caught up on the sex abuse part, "How are you a victim?"

"Well My cousin molested me when I was a kid"

"Oh well It couldn't of been that bad, you were still talking to him when I met you"

"WEll, It fucked me up for years, and sometimes you gravitate back to things that aren't healthy"

"I don't believe you, Your'e not the victim here"

I had to start vividly describing my rape to my wife. I got about half way through before I started crying horribly. She got offended that I never told her this stuff. I told her "!#@#@ Look at how you just reacted!?"Why do you think I wouldn't want to mention it.

This changed how she looked at me the moment I started telling her the vivid details. I could see the guilt in her eyes for a second. But shortly she starts getting accusatory and saying that this doesn't change anything.
Eventually making her way around to how disrespectful it is that I never shared this with her, and how it must mean I don't really love her. I always figured that if you thought your previous husband was gay... I might not feel comfortable talking about my less than desirable experiences.

She never really stopped the fight, She never really said hey, That was a shitty rape apologist kinda thing for me to say and its fucked up... And thats the part that slayed me. It showed me right then and there, that no matter what My trauma will always be back seat. And she will never take me or my emotions truly seriously.
The next day while she was at work I went to my grandparents. I asked them  if I could stay there with the kid for a couple months till I could get on my feet. Of course they wanted to help! So I started planning I took all the family paperwork, socials, birth certificates, and her immigration paperwork to safe location. Looking back taking her Paperwork was a bad idea. I was manic. I had just told her my biggest fear/secret and she basically told me it couldn't of been that bad, in the METOO era no the less. I was deep down worried that once I confronted her that the kid and I are leaving that she would lose it and leave the state like she did with her previous husband. I felt justified. I needed her to stay in the state. I would need her to pay child support as I had no career to fall back on anymore. And deep down I felt like after that betrayal of trust she displayed, the betrayal of not actually believing me and what trauma's I've lived through. I had no doubt she would do something rash.

I was still home and packing a suitcase. The kid was packing. My daughter and her don't always get along, My kid seemed sad that  she would have to hurt her Mom's feelings when we left. But sadly my daughter doesn't love her mother very much. She can feel the resentment between my wife and I. My daughter hates how she always gets her way. She was primed and ready to go as much as I was.

She came home. Saw me and freaked out. Apologized about being insensitive. Wanted to work things out. She thought I was just trying to manipulate the situation. so forth and so on. Making excuses for her behavior and lack of empathy. She figured that it must of been standard kids messing around kinda stuff.

I had screwed up...  I didn't follow through properly. I actually deep down wanted her to see what was happening. I wanted to see if she actually cared if I was going to leave. After doing research about dealing with emotionally abusive situations I came to realize that I wanted to show her I was right. And start the process all over again. So circular. She didn't know I had taken all the paperwork yet and wouldn't for another month. I left it in its safeplace, walking on egg shells, but more confident that I had some upper hand secretly. She started seeing a counselor. The first one was so expensive he would have bankrupt us in a month with the schedule he planned for us. We were already under water, so I didn't understand how she thought adding an extra $1000 dollars a month in costs that wouldn't be covered by our insurance. She concedes after one $200 dollar session that maybe that wasn't the best idea. She continues her search. finds a counselor, younger than her. Right next to her work covered by her insurance.

Things go ok for a couple weeks. Then eventually she starts rehashing the same arguments after therapy. Starting up with the same old, your a piece of crap, you can't keep a job. You don't always have dinner ready for me when I get home, No one can account for your time while the kids at school and that makes me uncomfortable. Basically telling me that I need a job so I can prove that I'm not slutting it up for the whole 5 hours a day I get to myself.

D-day she discovers the missing documents. Totally loses her shit. She goes into work on a saturday, asks me to drive her. Doesn't talk the whole time. I explain calmly the state of mind that I was in when I did it. And that I was planning to bring them back. I just hadn't had the time to go across town and grab them. I was still scrambling to make more money out of thin air to fix the big boat mistake I had made. Didn't matter. I told her I would fix it! and dropped her off at her work. I then went and grabbed the documents, brought them home and patiently waited for her to contact me to come get her. 11 pm rolls by and I hadn't heard anything, I start texting her. Telling her I'm sorry, and that it was a big betrayal of trust and so forth.

I get a one liner, " I'm fine"

and then nothing for hours. By 1am I'm freaking out. She always does this when she is mad. She uses her walking away from us to force me to dwell and worry about everything. Iv'e told her everything about this that drives me crazy. She always says needing space is normal. She eventually calls and tells me shes on the way. She went out for drinks with a friend, and her and her boyfriend think your'e an asshole! They couldn't believe you took my paperwork...

Ugh I wish I still had friends... and could just drop everything and walk away for an evening with out my shit being on the lawn when I get back. Every since Iv'e been scrambling to make up for it. When really I should of just stuck to my guns and gotten my kid and I out.

Eventually we decide to sell the boat. I sell it in really good time and get out without losing too much. 3/4 of the loan is paid off now with not much to show for it. I had to sell my favorite car I've ever had, Give up on the stupid boat idea. And just generally be mentally abused semi regularly about how bad of a husband I've been.

Iv'e enrolled in a local community college and start soon. I work towards starting my own business. and we come to the most recent drama. The night our tax return shows up, at about 4am she buys a ticket to go to Mexico to visit her dying Grandfather. Her mother is down there, and she isn't sure how much longer he has. She does this while I'm asleep. Doesn't talk about it with me. Mentioned once in passing that she wants to go to Mexico a week or so ago. I wake up and find out that shes still at home when she would normally be at work. I say "hey, whats going on. Didn't you have a meeting at 9am that you needed to attend?"

"I  bought a ticket a ticket to visit my family, Im gonna fly out tonight"

Wow. Mind you this is a day before my birthday, that she took time off for. Says I can go spend time with my family for my birthday.

And thats that. She flies back in tonight. I sent her a text yesterday, explaining how I felt and what her actions are doing. That her daughter can tell its messed up that she just took off with no notice. And things like this are irresponsible at best. I would love to support her visiting her family, I just wish she would have stayed an extra day and had my birthday with me.

I know this turned out to be a mini Novel, I apologize. I know the rules say not use you guys as a journaling setup, But I haven't put this all out there ever. And I feel better just talking about it to anybody right now. I'll probably start posting in the Choosen relationships sub-forum with actual problems we encounter along with my now starting journey to find some mental health care for myself.

I'm tired, and lost. She comes back tonight. I'm sure she will guilt trip me with stories of her telling friends and family how awful I am. Maybe not. sometimes she like to rub in the fact that she hides all our disfunction from her family, while accusing me of using my family against her because I vent to them about the relationship. I don't really have anybody else to talk to. All my friends are gone. Motorcycle riding buddies long since vanished. One day at a time.

Thanks for reading!

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have experienced a lot of pain. Wise choice to now look after your own emotional health. Please read through the TOOLBOX , it has been such a help for me on my journey Out of the FOG.

[coyote]

Hello lost and welcome,
Yes it is a lot to read. I'd suggest keeping future post shorter and to the point so as to not scare folks off from reading them. Seems you have been through the proverbial wringer in the relationship. The Toolbox is a big help to a lot of us. So such things as Setting Boundaries, no JADE, no Circular Conversations, Medium Chill and the 3C's are some of my favorites.

You will also find a lot of support on the boards and learn from others what has worked for them. I'm sorry you need us but glad you found us.