Looking for validation - My mother might be a covert narcissist

[Freeatforty]

Hello and first of all, English is not my native language, so please forgive any mistakes.

I discovered the term covert narcissist not long ago and I think my mother might be one. She did the most messed up things and I am trying to make sense of it all. Does anyone's parent said things like this:
"Right after you were born I already knew that you don't like me. I guess you were expecting someone smarter as a mother" (She first worked as a lowly skilled admin and was a house wife from her mid-twenties until today. My brothers and I went to university.)
"Maybe I should have hugged you more but you didn't want to be cuddled as a kid." (I have no idea if that is true. I love to cuddle my kids, cats and husband now so I don't seem to have an issue here in general)
She is creating a huge drama every time my father visits my brother for the weekend. She is too sick to go with him, or so she says. Also here I don't know if that's really true.
One time we were walking together in the street and I tripped and fell. I tried to hold on to her and she moved out of my way because she did not want to fall, too. Then she asked me if everything was alright while laughing because I "looked so funny".
When I showed her my new, shorter haircut: "Well, now you just look like everybody else." (She always wanted very long hair but it would not grow)
When I had a miscarriage: "Are you sure you did not imagine being pregnant?"
Does that sound like a narcissist to you? I am forty now, my brother is 34 and we both question our memories. We must have been gaslighted like hell! Our youngest brother still lives at home, cares for her (she's a stomach condition and is quite weak in general) and doesn't speak to the two of us. I think he's totally controlled by her. He's never had a job or a relationship.

What confuses me most is that in my memory she wasn't always like this, only sometimes.
Thanks for reading. I am very confused right now. Things are coming back to my mind every day lately and I am feeling equally sad and angry.
Freeatforty

[newbieHPDdaughter]

Hello freeatforty,

First of all, your English is perfect!☺️

I'm definitely not the best person to give you advice, as I've only just discovered myself that my mum most likely has an undiagnosed histrionic personality disorder. But some of the things you say sound so familiar: the questioning yourself and your memories, and the confusion when you've discovered that there might be an explanation for all of the hurt you've felt.

I had my "lightbulb moment" only a few days ago, and have spent three days just going over my memories. First of all I'd say that if you also had such a "lightbulb moment", you are not wrong. It doesn't mean that a psychologist would make the exact same diagnosis, but if it helps *you*, then it can't be wrong. (Remember: nothing we do will change our mothers, we can only change how we see things and how we deal with them)

And the second thing I'd say is the following: I've spent the last three days going over all the hurt my mum has caused me. But then last night, I also remembered the good parts; how she protected me from being hurt by my parents' divorce; how she gave me a healthy dose of confidence regarding my academic / professional achievements and physical looks etc. So not every memory has to be "bad".

I have started to speak with an online therapist (I use messaging on an app called BetterHelp), which has helped me figure some of these things out. Maybe this could also help you?

I wish you all the best on this journey, which we share. Trust your memories and trust your instincts!

[Summer Sun]

Freeatforty, welcome to Out of the FOG.  While we cannot Diagnose others, this site is a great resource for learning about and identifying typical toxic PD behaviors.  Feel free to browse the traits, behaviors, and especially the toolbox which can be helpful in changing our responses in such relationships.

IME, my relationships with covert PD's or even P/A's are confusing and frustrating.  The off comments, the sly innuendoes, the subtle demeaning etc, it feels like someone is poking at you or putting you down, and yet, if you challenge, or question for clarification there is always plausible deniability, or, blameshifting.  "Why would you think that, I only meant XZY."  "You are SO sensitive", "why are you so defensive".  And yet, to not challenge is to accept or condone, so its a double bind, or no win.  This is just a description of some of my own past confusion and frustration.  Your own may be similar or different, no two are alike, however we find here at Out of the FOG many similarities in our experiences.

Do you have a therapist?  I found mine to be invaluable.  He told me once to listen to my intuition.  He also identified that I was being SG'd. 

The 3 C's are important.  Knowing we did not create the problems, we cannot change or control others, nor cure others.  Many of us here focus on self care and our own  healing from PD abuse and trauma.  Look forward to seeing you on the boards.  You will likely find The parents board to be very validating.

Summer Sun

[Freeatforty]

Thank you for your kind replies.
I know that there will never be an "official" diagnosis and that I can not be 100 % sure what's wrong with my mother. But it still helps me to categorize her behaviour and it makes me feel less alone or crazy. Still, I consider myself very lucky to be able to have honest talks with one of my brothers.

I don't have a therapist at the moment but I will think about it. What I need to figure out is how to get rid of the guilt I am still feeling for going low contact with both my parents. They are both very isolated and alone and I know it is their own fault but still feel guilty about it. My seven year old daughter doesn't want to visit them any more because she is a clever girl and sees through their bad behaviour and gaslighting. I am really careful not to talk bad of them in front of her and she used to love visiting them. But apparently she asked them to "be nicer to each other" (my mother is always nagging about my father) and they both told her she got that wrong, it did not happen. Also she said she did not want to watch as much TV and have as many sweets and the response was "don't worry, we won't tell your mom". They are not listening to her needs and wishes and she sees it quite clearly. She is amazing! :-)

I have another child who is disabled due to a heart defect and Chromosomal Disorder. When he was born I heard "Of course we will love him just as much, it doesn't matter that he is ill." Now they more or less ignore him. I think it might be because the initial drama with open heart surgery and so on is over, It's not exciting any more.

I wish I had the strength to go NC but at the moment I cannot do this.

Thanks for listening. :-)

[newbieHPDdaughter]

Dear freeatforty,

I know exactly what you mean about the guilt! My mum is also alone (no other children, no partner and her sister and her don't talk anymore) and the guilt can feel so overwhelming!

But right now, we need to learn that our feelings are valid and need space! And we cannot take care of their emotional needs; every person struggles with some issues, but it's on them to take care of their own emotions. We need to focus on ourselves and our children (yours sound amazing! I'm due with my first in five weeks!).

It's hard to shake the guilt, but keep reminding yourself that your emotions are valid and that they are important!

All the best!!

[Freeatforty]

Congrats on your pregnancy! 
You are absolutely right to focus on you and your own little family now. Don't let anyone spoil this precious time.