I should have listened to everyone's advice about this friend

[countrygirl]

Hi,

Well, the friend about whom I posted a few times has revealed herself to truly be someone I should have moved on from, as some of you advised me.  I should have listened.  And I did know that she couldn't be trusted, but knowing that did not protect me from feeling hurt. 

I have been so supportive of her, during a couple of break-ups, including a break-up with her son and daughter-in-law, various work-related problems and issues with her current boyfriend, and various health issues (which turned out not to be serious).  Then, this morning, I opened an e-mail from her saying that she is under "personal stress" and that she doesn't want me to worry about her, but she needs to take a break.  Then she closed with, "Know that I love you."

She did this to me before Covid, then contacted me during Covid, and we resumed. People warned me then not to trust her.  I said that I wouldn't, but I obviously did.

This time, as last time, there has been no hint of any issue. After returning from her vacation, she has been writing me frequently, telling me all about her personal and professional life.  There has been NO hint of an issue.  When I read the email this morning, I had to read it twice to make sure that she was saying she wanted to take a break from corresponding. 

I feel like SUCH an idiot.  After her return during CovidI kept telling myself that she would probably pull something else, but all seemed well for the past two and a half years.  I had witnessed her dropping her long term boyfriend and her son, and told myself that she would probably do the same thing to me--especially since she'd done it once before! 

I would like to tell her how I do not like being treated this way and that when she next writes me, I will not be responding, because I do not enjoy being batted back and forth like a ping pong ball.  But if anyone has any advice about how to handle this otherwise, I would greatly appreciate hearing from you.

[bloomie]

Countrygirl - what a disappointment and perplexing pattern of establishing, sabotaging, and reestablishing contact this has to be for you. What a bummer that this person has dropped this stink bomb into your life. I am really sorry.

The question of if to let her know this behavior doesn't work for you and the relationship is at an end is a good one. So often our instinct is to live our boundaries and simply drop the rope. Not respond and move on with a new lesson learned in life. Not a thing wrong with that choice at all ever. I have chosen that 9 times out of 10 myself.

However, I am one whose greater regrets are the things I didn't say or times I allowed someone to take my sincere loving friendship and discard and devalue me and I quietly exited and never offered a single word on my own behalf.

I ask myself if a communication would be productive before I offer it in this kind of situation. And, in thinking that through I have to examine if I have released any expectation that I could change the situation or get some kind of better understanding or even enlighten the other person of the toxic effects of their choices. In other words, I make sure I am not looking for anything further from someone who has essentially discarded me.

If I am communicating respectfully how another's behaviors have impacted me so negatively that I need to end the relationship and I am doing it on my own behalf for my own peace of mind, then it is a go for me. I have noticed I struggle so much less with rehashing or potential bitterness, ruminating on things, when I have clearly and cleanly said what I need to say, one time.

I try to keep it brief, respectful, firm, and kind. There is a time to speak and a time to be silent. I don't think either is wrong or right. Do what is productive for you, move through the feelings this must bring up, and when you ready, let it flow away down the river of life.

From what you share, this person was blessed to have such a friend as you. You gave someone a second chance. That makes you forgiving and kind, believing the best of another. That makes you a good friend and you can rest in the knowledge that you offered something of great value and going forward you will be even more discerning about who you offer that to.

[countrygirl]

Hi Bloomie,

Thank you for the truly wonderful response.  It was exactly what i needed to hear.   I'm going to print it and save it.  I will reread it several times as I think about how to handle my response. 

Thank you for your generous words about what I offered this friend.  It helped me feel like less of a schmuck for giving her a second chance. 

This really was a "stink bomb"!   This friend even sends me snapshots of her nails after her manicures.  She likes to get creative and I always enjoy seeing the results.  Recently, she has been writing about how nervous she feels when she has to go to social events and parties with her boyfriend's friends.  There was one just this past weekend.  I was there for her, while being respective of her need to do what her partner wants sometime, even if it's not what she enjoys.  I have been married forever, and I know compromise is necessary--and that sometimes you can end up enjoying a gathering which you may have been dreading.  I have also been hearing about a new work colleague, issues with her cat, etc.  There was not a sign of this coming down the pike!

I liked what you said about being sure that you weren't trying to get the person to change their mind before you said what you wanted to say.  I must confess that I do wish she would change her mind, even though I know that if she did, this would happen yet again!   So I am going to take my time before replying,  "because I want to make sure I am not looking for anything further from someone who has essentially discarded me."  From the way her email was worded, I know she is trying to make sure that she can resume things when SHE wants to.  She has every right to withdraw, even if it hurts me, but I don't want to give her the option of returning when she needs my support again. Nor do I want to be the sort of person who allows herself to be treated this way.  It is far too easy for me to accept people back, and then to discover--Quelle surprise!--that they have not changed.

Bloomie, thank you so much for your time, your understanding and your wise advice.  Even though I should have known better, being discarded once more really hurts, and this time, I want to handle things differently.   

[Amy-Rose]

What a nasty piece of work. It always makes you feel stupid doesn't it. But actually it just highlights you as an amazing and forgiving and tolerant human. She's the one with issues not you. Don't feel stupid, feel proud for being human and giving her chances. She took advantage of your good nature as people like her will. Learn from and pay attention to those red flags in people in the future.

Time to cut ties now I think. The world is full of people like your "friend".

[countrygirl]

Hi Amy Rose!

Thank you\ for  your advice and support. 

Yes, in the future, I will pay more attention to red flags.   In this case, I told myself to realize that since she'd done this once, there was a good chance that she would do it again.  But then I got lulled into thinking all was well, since time had passed, and all had been well.

Now, there's been an unexpected develop, which I'm still trying to process.  Really, I am still trying to process what she wrote the other day, and now I feel even more astounded.

To add insult to injury, she wrote again, saying that she "felt better" now!  I have not replied, because I was still pondering what I wanted to say in response to her missive about wanting a break, especially in light of Bloomie's advice to be sure that I wasn't writing something just to get her back.  Instead,  she bounced back on her own.  At the moment, I feel sort of frozen in place.  I don't really want to say anything to her.  She has some gall to write and say that she "feels better."  How about how she's made ME feel?  Maybe THAT is what I should point out to her.  It's all about what she feels, with no consideration of me.     

[moglow]

She feels better now - Wth does that even mean?? YESTERDAY she needed a break, so she gets it. For a while if it were me.

Try to not feed into whatever drama may be underfoot here. Go about your days and maybe call her in s few weeks. Right now I just wouldn't go there.

[countrygirl]

HI moglow,

Thanks for your suggestion.  Believe me, I don't want to be part of whatever is going on; I can't even keep up with it.  My head is spinning!   My guess is that she is feeling less stressed and less anxious, so now wants contact.  I hasten to say that her stress and anxiety have to do with her boyfriend; yet she proposed a break from me, not from him.  I think that this is because I have supported her during two previous breakups, and I think she doesn't want to admit that this relatively new relationship is heading for the rocks, too. 

It is all too much for me!  Yesterday, I was poleaxed when she wanted a break; and today I was shocked to read that she was suddenly better and wanted contact. 

Relationships are hard, but all of hers have been on the rocks, including ones with children, ex's, friends.  I'm just another one.  I HAVE to learn to do a better job of giving my energy and time to the right people.     
   

.   

[bloomie]

countrygirl - I would imagine you have emotional whiplash at this point. 😳 Come close/Go away is a head spinning message to keep getting. I have yet to meet a reliable, healthy person who consistently plays that game.

Sometimes what people need is a good letting alone. This is not what true friendship looks like, as you know. You are so right that it is your choice how much energy  you are willing to give this person.

[moglow]

Sometimes what people need is a good letting alone.

Saying it louder for those of us hiding in the back. And the dark.

[countrygirl]

HI Bloomie,

Like moglow, I really love  the expression "a good letting go."  Yes, indeed, that is what this friend needs.  I really dislike people who blow hot and cold.  It is too confusing, and also means that they are the ones holding the reins.   

Thank you again! 

[Amadahy]

Aw, I'm sorry.  I say ghost her.  Ghost, ghost, ghost her.  It says a lot without saying anything and you are finished.

I used to feel bad or ashamed when I'd ghost folks, but the older I get I realize it may be the kindest thing for *me.*  That's who you need to think of now -- you. (Not me, LOL. How confusing.)  What will give *you* the most peace?  I know you want to tell her to buzz off now, but why open yourself up to any manipulation or guilt or conflict? 

Sorry that happened.  It is not a reflection of you, at all.  ((((hugs)))))

[countrygirl]

Hi Amadahy,

Thanks for your advice and support.  I also like the quotation from the Leonard Cohen song!

I think there is a lot to be said for ghosting.  For one thing, if a relationship has gotten to the point that, as you say, you are finished, what is the point of opening yourself up to more conflict?  It is one thing to discuss problems you're having in a relationship, so that you can work on them and hopefully save the relationship; but if you're done with the person, what's to be gained?  I guess some people would answer that it's important for you to speak your truth to them, but maybe you're just too tired to do so.  Because if you tell them how you feel, it's not really fair not to give them a chance to answer.   In my experience, such discussions never make the relationship better!