New plot twist in enFather's death, could use some advice

[JustKat]

I could really use some advice/thoughts/whatever on what might be happening here.

It's been ten days since my enFather died and I still haven't been officially notified. I may never be. GS Sis ignored all the condolences on her Facebook page and went on posting pics of herself living it up at Disneyland. So after thinking things over, I decided to contact my brother to let him know what's going on. I don't have his contact info and he doesn't use social media so I was going to message his wife through her Facebook page.

When I went to message her I saw that she had just friended GC Narc Sis. What the actual F? They loathe one another. When my brother was disinherited it was done because my mother wanted to punish him for marrying that woman, and they told him so. My father never even referred to her by name. When he'd call he always referred to her as The Witch. "Christmas will be better this year since The Witch isn't coming." My sister hated her more than anyone. When we were still in contact she'd send emails railing against her. She emailed me several times to gloat when she was named sole heir because she felt she was finally getting even with The Witch.

Now they're Facebook friends and I don't know what to think of it. My sister has never friended any other family member on FB, and is suddenly friends with the one person that she hates more than anyone in the world.  My best guess is that Sis is expecting both my brother and me to contest my father's will and is trying to turn him against me with some kind of pre-emptive strike? As the old saying goes, the enemy of my enemy is my friend? I have no intention of contesting this will and fighting over the assets of my abusers. It's dirty money and I don't want a dime of it, but I'm sure Sis has been told otherwise.

So, my options are:
1. Still message SIL and see what's going on, or
2. Accept that narcissistic revenge is probably at work here and any attempt to reconnect with my brother will just come back to bite me. It's over, done, I have no family.

I hope this made sense and if you're still reading, thank you. My head is just exploding and I don't have anyone to talk to, at least not anyone who gets it. Sheesh. I should probably write a screenplay because the plot twists just keep coming.

[JenniferSmith]

Hi Kathy,

Wow, there is a lot going on in this one post. If I try to guess the feelings you're feeling it would be confusion, shock, hurt, and fear? And probably some anger.

Shock over seeing that they are friended recently on FB, confusion as to why your SIL did that, and fear about what it means for you?  And hurt and anger that you haven't been contacted and now they are potentially already in contact (so once again you are left on the side-lines, unimportant)?

If you're feeling panicked and freaked out right now, remember you don't have to do anything at this moment.  This is not an emergency (even if your feelings are telling you otherwise).  Wills and probates take months to process and nothing you do or say right now will have any effect on the will now that your father is dead. If you do eventually decide that you want to do something about the will, you have plenty of time to figure that out.

I really feel for you and the shock you're going through right now. I can understand how scary and stressful this new information would be given what you've gone through with your family for so many years.  And it makes perfect sense that that your mind is probably ping-ponging all over the place trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Please be gentle with yourself and know that all of us here are supporting you.   

[notrightinthehead]

It seems that you and your brother are not very close.  You and his wife also not. I can imagine the observation that she has become FB friends with your sister made you feel excluded,  maybe even a little bit paranoid.  When you have calmed down again, you might begin to notice that these are people that matter very little for your life.  You are in an emotionally heightened state because you have lost your father.  Therefore you are vulnerable and hurt.  Now self care is very important. Do your own grieving work. Whatever they do is up to them.

[Jolie40]

Now they're Facebook friends and I don't know what to think of it.

people become FB friends for all kinds of reasons
doesn't mean they are actual friends

before I went NC, two of my siblings said they were not in contact at all with another sibling

we weren't on FB but then child needed FB for activity, so husband signed up
we don't post, have no contacts
however, I looked up all siblings/could see what's public
wouldn't you know the siblings who claimed no contact are FB friends with that sibling
AND they made friendly comments to many posts!

just shows people say one thing but do another
don't let the FB stuff affect what you want to do

[blacksheep7]

I'm sorry, it is a shock and a trigger for you, a betrayal.
You know what JustKathy, I'm not surprised at much anymore when it comes down to the relationships of our Foos.  It's  ****up and there is not much to make of it or understand.  These people have their own agendas in mind. 

My gc sister never had a relationship with bro2.   They would never talk to eachother at gatherings because sis is the lost child, rarely talks, only listens and Bro2 could be very intimidating.  Well, I found out that they started going to breakfast every sunday morning together since I went nc.  Of course it's not open discussion, sis speaks with sil and bro speaks with bil.  Was this to show that they stand united in the Foo cause I was told indirectly that the family was broken because of me. They just can not, do not know how to communicate, all superficial stuff.  On gc sis bday (when I was in contact) sil (bro2 wife) called to wish   her happy bd, bro2 never got on the phone.  Like wtf.  It confirmed who bro2 was.  I call him «junior».

Like Jennifersmith said, a will takes time to process.  It will give you time to process this shock.
Hugs.

[JustKat]

Thank you, everyone, for helping me to put this in perspective. I value your input so much and reading all of your comments has really been a comfort to me.

And hurt and anger that you haven't been contacted and now they are potentially already in contact (so once again you are left on the sidelines, unimportant)?

Yes, I think this is a lot of it. I had always thought that I'd get my family back when my Nmother died, but things only got worse. Then I had this ray of hope that I'd reconnect with someone (my brother, his wife, a cousin, anyone) after my father died. Instead, it looks like they're all going to unify and leave me on the sidelines, NC for the rest of my life. Truthfully, I knew in my heart that it would end this way, but it really is a shock now that it's actually happening.

This says so much about the power of a narcissist and their ability to control those around them, even in death.

I'm starting another writing class in a few weeks which will give me the chance to write through the pain. I've been re-reading some of the essays I've written in previous classes about the abuse I endured as a child, which is helping to reinforce the fact that I'm better off without them. Any of them. They're all toxic.

[blacksheep7]

Thank you, everyone, for helping me to put this in perspective. I value your input so much and reading all of your comments has really been a comfort to me.

And hurt and anger that you haven't been contacted and now they are potentially already in contact (so once again you are left on the sidelines, unimportant)?

[/b]

Yes, I think this is a lot of it. I had always thought that I'd get my family back when my Nmother died, but things only got worse. Then I had this ray of hope that I'd reconnect with someone (my brother, his wife, a cousin, anyone) after my father died. Instead, it looks like they're all going to unify and leave me on the sidelines, NC for the rest of my life. Truthfully, I knew in my heart that it would end this way, but it really is a shock now that it's actually happening.

This says so much about the power of a narcissist and their ability to control those around them, even in death.

I'm starting another writing class in a few weeks which will give me the chance to write through the pain. I've been re-reading some of the essays I've written in previous classes about the abuse I endured as a child, which is helping to reinforce the fact that I'm better off without them. Any of them. They're all toxic.

I was quick to answer.  That quote is so spot on.  My nm still being alive, I had hope that we (foo) would get together again.  I am just learning that it will  not necessarily be the case.  You are left on the sidelines, unimportant as you say which certainly would stir up those past, inner child emotions.

Good for you in taking classes to do something that will make you happy and feel good about yourself.

[nanotech]

Jerry Wise ( family systems) talks about how in a dysfunctional family, if one member wakes up, starts to differentiate and leaves the enmeshment, the others all have to flock together in order to feel 'safe'. They need to validate  each other in their denial of the underlying dysfunction, which by our leaving has been put at risk of exposure to the world. 
When we stop playing our role of over- functioning, it throws the whole skewed family system out of kilter.  So they gather as many as they can, including past adversaries. The finger is then pointed at us.
If they don't deny all and condemn us, they won't know they are or who to become. They feel like Rome is burning, so they all fiddle furiously.
In a sense, it isn't  even personal. 
It's happened to me too. It's nothing to do with me, either. I just want to be independent- they can't deal with that.
I'm so glad I'm Out of the FOG.  It's a bit sad, but there are lots of people in the world to meet and have fun with.
I'm so glad you are doing a writing course. I'm doing a yoga course right now- loving it. It's living, and it's so much better than remaining available for their abuse.

[JustKat]

When we stop playing our role of over- functioning, it throws the whole skewed family system out of kilter.  So they gather as many as they can, including past adversaries. The finger is then pointed at us.
If they don't deny all and condemn us, they won't know they are or who to become. They feel like Rome is burning, so they all fiddle furiously.

This makes a lot of sense and is probably what's happening with my sister and SIL. My sister is so filled with rage at this point that she'd probably get some kind of twisted satisfaction out of befriending an adversary to unite against the perceived common enemy. My SIL is diagnosed as schizophrenic, so she's all over the map herself. She's very motivated by money and would definitely engage my sister if she thought she could somehow end up with some of my father's inheritance.

I'm sure they still despise one another but are now using each other for personal gain, which is a pretty sad place to be in life. I feel sorry for what's left of my sister, now alone in the world with nothing but revenge to make her happy.

I went for a nice walk this morning with some neighbors and our dogs. The more I realize how messed up my remaining FOO is the more I appreciate the genuinely good people in my life.

[Adria]

My sister is so filled with rage at this point that she'd probably get some kind of twisted satisfaction out of befriending an adversary to unite against the perceived common enemy.

I'm sure they still despise one another but are now using each other for personal gain

You nailed it Kathy.  It sounds like that is exactly what is going on, and if you reread it, it might sound like a total disaster that you want nothing to do with.  It would probably be like stepping into quicksand and make you feel like your drowning into a deeper hole than what you feel like right now.  Take some time because right now you are understandably emotionally fragile. I've been in this situation, and personally feel that you will feel much stronger in the end if you don't partake in the fray. It looks like they are both clawing for the inheritance, probably can't stand each other, but they would bond tighter if you stepped in and eat you alive. Not worth it. 

Sadly, this is going to take some time for you to sort through all the hurt, anger and betrayal.  Stay with us here on the forum. We will help you through.  In my case, the deaths only seem to alienate me more, but it has made me stronger and the upside is, I really just don't care about them anymore.  It took a long time, but I actually woke up this morning thinking they just don't matter now, and that is a good place to be.

[JustKat]

I've been in this situation, and personally feel that you will feel much stronger in the end if you don't partake in the fray. It looks like they are both clawing for the inheritance, probably can't stand each other, but they would bond tighter if you stepped in and eat you alive. Not worth it. 

I'm so sorry you had to go through this too, Adria. I'm definitely walking away from whatever game is being played here. If my father was Bill Gates, okay, fight over the inheritance, but that's not the case here. Being the scapegoat, I assumed at a young age that I would be disinherited and planned for it by saving and investing so I'd be financially secure, which I now am. I'll be okay.

My brother was always the GC and lived with the belief that he would always be cared for, so he spent all his money on luxury cars and vacations. Then he married someone just like our mother which Mother didn't like. Oops, removed as the GC and disinherited. I doubt he has any savings so his wife is probably working the newly appointed GC sister pretty hard to get a piece of the inheritance pie. I imagine that my brother, like me, is washing his hands of it. He was always very introverted and has made himself so invisible that I can't find a trace of him online, and I'm pretty good at finding people.

So I'm going to let my Sis and SIL have fun knifing each other in the back while fighting over a suburban tract house and a used Camry. Knock yourselves out, ladies.

Stay with us here on the forum. We will help you through.

I will. You guys have done so much to help get me through this. Hugs to you all.

[Adria]

JustKathy,

My youngest GC sis sounds much like your GC brother.  She made some good money as she was sent to all the best colleges in the country, but she jet-setted it all away, and from what I've heard, she's flat broke and always borrowing from narc father.  Now, her husband is head of his estate. They can't stand him, only suck up for the money.  But, because she is the chosen one, narc father now wants to move in with them and have them take care of him as he now as Parkinson's.  Oh, the irony. 

I just want you to know, that there were many times I thought I would never make it through, never thought I would get to the other side of it.  I am 59 years old now, and I can say I'm okay and doing well.  Please know, you will be too.  Not saying it isn't hard, or very tricky to navigate, and with ups and downs, but you will be just fine in the end. Not so sure about the rest of them.  You can't sell your soul like they did and not have it come back to haunt you.  Hang in there my friend.  You have been so strong to make it this far. Your strength won't fail you now. Hugs, Adria

[JustKat]

I just want you to know, that there were many times I thought I would never make it through, never thought I would get to the other side of it.  I am 59 years old now, and I can say I'm okay and doing well.  Please know, you will be too.  Not saying it isn't hard, or very tricky to navigate, and with ups and downs, but you will be just fine in the end. Not so sure about the rest of them.  You can't sell your soul like they did and not have it come back to haunt you.

Thank you so much. I can't tell you how much your words mean to me. I'm 61 now so we're close in age. Seems like a lot of us in this forum are older, the pre-Internet people who went so many years without knowing what was wrong with their family or how to get help.

As much as everything hurts right now, I know I'm better off for staying away from it. I have childhood trauma that will be with me for life, but getting away from those toxic people was the best decision I ever made. I doubt my sibs will end up in a good place, especially my GC sister. She's a breast cancer survivor, and while much of her illness was kept from me so as not to compete with my Nmother's illness, I heard from others that her situation wasn't good. Now in remission, but all the chemo has left her with further health problems. So she's going to get this modest inheritance and the satisfaction of having "won," but she's now completely alone. What's going to happen if her cancer returns? Once my brother and his wife get their inheritance money they'll abandon her. I'm the one person who would have been there for her, but not anymore. It will end for her the same way it ended for our NPD mother, alone, with no one in the world to give a crap. Now that I'm getting older, I think about these things a lot. Clearly, she doesn't.

"Well I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love."

[blacksheep7]

I just want you to know, that there were many times I thought I would never make it through, never thought I would get to the other side of it.  I am 59 years old now, and I can say I'm okay and doing well.  Please know, you will be too.  Not saying it isn't hard, or very tricky to navigate, and with ups and downs, but you will be just fine in the end. Not so sure about the rest of them.  You can't sell your soul like they did and not have it come back to haunt you.

Thank you so much. I can't tell you how much your words mean to me. I'm 61 now so we're close in age. Seems like a lot of us in this forum are older, the pre-Internet people who went so many years without knowing what was wrong with their family or how to get help.

Yes, how many years trying to navigate and cope  with my adult life only having crumbs that I was given from my Pd parents.  Therapy and books were the only tools we had. When I started my anxiety and panic attacks is when I started T and was just concentrated  for decades  working my fears (anxiety), not the cause, my childhood.

In my mid forties I started co-dep 12 step meetings which  helped  my toxic relationships with the men in my life.   I kept picking the wrong men, leaving them, rinse and repeat. 

I wasn't focused on my childhood, not having a clue that it was the deep rooted cause and affect.  Internet was also my savior and brought me here. It is a plus for the younger generation of Pd parents enabling them to heal and grieve sooner in order to enjoy their life to the fullest, ealier than us.

I understand your loneliness, being left out, the ups and downs of nc are not always easy.  I still struggle, good days, others less.

Your story is giving me some insight on how sibling relationships remain strained even though the pd parents are no longer able to control, manipulate and triangulate.  How can we expect them to be different if they never really cared , only view us as the alien in the foo. 

[Adria]

Kathy,

My middle sister is the same way.  Very, very sick, but held out for the money.  She is not a nice person and now knows everyone in town knows all the tricks she's pulled on people.  She moved about 40 miles out of town to get away from her reputation, and has slowly been isolating herself from what I've heard.  I would have been there for my sisters as well, but they chose money over integrity, and so may be wealthy some day, but without their health.  There is a price to pay.

Even, if we are alone, we will be okay, because we have been alone most of our lives and know how to do it well.  They have been surrounded by their minions for their nefarious purposes.  When each of them have used each other up, they will drift apart and end up desperate and lonely.  There is a difference between being alone and being lonely.  We can live with our aloneness knowing we lived an upright life.  They have to live with the memories of all the people they shafted and tore apart to get something that can slip through their hands as it usually does in these situations.

Kathy, I remember reading earlier that you write.  I have written and published my story.  It helped to get it out of my mind, onto paper where I could close those ugly chapters of my past and use them to help others.  Maybe, you could write the ugly chapters down and close the book when you find the strength again.  From what I can tell, you write beautifully.  You have much to offer.  I had a wise older lady friend when I was going through the worst. She always said to me, "Don't let the bastards get you down."  They are embroiled in their greed and disfunction. We live in the sun.

We have come too far to let the ending take us out. We can swing a bat at any pitch thrown by those who plan to wrong us because their alienation and persecution have made us strong. We may not have won the battles, but we win the war. 

[JustKat]

Your story is giving me some insight on how sibling relationships remain strained even though the pd parents are no longer able to control, manipulate and triangulate.  How can we expect them to be different if they never really cared , only view us as the alien in the foo. 

I've been thinking about this a lot and it's really starting to look like GC sister has become more evil than my Nmother was (if that's even possible). It does make sense when I think about their history. I don't know what made my mother a narc, but whatever trauma she had ended when she got married at a very young age, had me, and moved to a different country where she was thousands of miles away from her FOO. Sister's situation had to have been worse. Before she was the GC she was a secondary scapegoat who, unlike me, let my mother control her. Sister had a career that she was forced into and hated, never dated because she was ridiculed for it, and was persuaded to move two doors down from my parents which resulted in a three-hour commute to work (each way). If my mother had trauma, it lasted no more than 19 years, while my sister had 59 years of it. At least the upside of never being allowed to date is that she has no children of her own to abuse.

Kathy, I remember reading earlier that you write.  I have written and published my story.  It helped to get it out of my mind, onto paper where I could close those ugly chapters of my past and use them to help others.  Maybe, you could write the ugly chapters down and close the book when you find the strength again.

Yes, I've been writing for years. I've written professionally, but it was mostly ad copy and editorial. Now I'm studying creative non-fiction. I had started on a memoir some years back but the entire story is just so complicated, and getting more so by the day. So I started working with a personal essay instructor and have been writing short essays about specific creepy/traumatic incidents that happened in my childhood. I've written about some of my mother's acts of sabotage, getting my period and not knowing what it was, and so on. I'm finding it easier to write about one moment in time because writing about the bigger picture sends me down a rabbit hole and I ultimately end up getting stuck. So for now I'm compiling all the shorter essays I've written and will figure out what to do with them. I could always self-publish for Amazon Kindle or something, not to make a buck, but to just put it out there in the world for anyone who may be interested.

It may also be best to keep this about my childhood and my mother because anything about my sister (even with a name change) will probably result in legal action. Plus that story is still in progress. Who knows how it will all end, or when. I'm still wondering if she has any intention of even notifying of my father's death. There actually was a small provision in the will for my brother and I, but I'm sure she's scheming a way out of it by telling the lawyer I'm deceased or something.
Who knows. It's nuts. She's nuts.

[blacksheep7]

I don't know what made my mother a narc, but whatever trauma she had ended when she got married at a very young age, had me, and moved to a different country where she was thousands of miles away from her FOO.

Hi Kathy,
It's unbelievable that you still have not been notified of your F's passing.

The quote: I'm sure that must have been somewhat traumatizing.
Your mother and mine have a similar background.  In short, she also married very young in another country which she had been living for a few years since the death of her father and mother.  After the wedding, they came here to North America to live, third country for both of them. 
I wanted to point out how my NF did what pleased him in life, letting NM take the reins on taking care of the household and four children.  NF left her alone with two toddlers, myself and gcb  to go work in the upper north of Canada where there are glaciers. This is in the late 1950's.  M had no car and never learned to drive.  I don't know for how long, but I'm sure it wasn't for two weeks cause I remember NF saying it was for a big project.  It was an adventure for him, had traveled to several countries before marrying.  Then it was his hobby at night trying to make it a full time job which never worked out.
I very often wonder what he said to M to convince her of him doing what he wanted, probably increasing the finances.

M complained to our cousin that she had a miserable unhappy life with NF but made sure to mention  that he always took us out on nice vacations by the beach.    If he did,  it's because it was his pleasure first, not ours.  Like nice vacations are supposed to take the pain away??
Rages were taken out on us the kids, not M, she obeyed.  Today she is a covert narc, the enabler who had a good teacher is what I say.
NF was Not meant to be a Father! Who didn't give a damn about his kids.   Coming Out of the FOG permitted me to put the puzzle together and understand who my parents were.  My NF knew that my young, naive, innocent M would be the perfect partner for him.
As for my sister, she lives in a fantasy world, toxic positivity.  Her trauma was also different to mine being eight yrs younger.  She got caught in M's parentification.  Of course her two dds got affected by this, she is completely emotionally blocked.
I was willing to have a relationship with her even if only superficial when M passes, not being her emotional garbage can like before but I'm not sure it's going to happen.  When I came Out of the FOG, my conversations intimidated her. I know that I have one sib that would reconnect with me in an instant.  He already has this year which I declined, that would be another story.

I realize how much it hurts being rejected and viewed as the «bad guy». I was accused of living in the past   NM brought me back to the past when nf died, ptsd.   I still don't regret my nc when I hear about all the manipulation and dysfunction being at the heart of the FOO.  I see it in my nieces and nephews continuing the pattern, Big people pleasers and empaths.   It's sad, mainly because they do not realize who their parents really are.

Thank you for letting me vent.

[Adria]

It's so great that you are writing Kathy.  I understand thinking about writing a book about your life being so complicated and overwhelming.  I tried several times and it was just too much to put on paper.  So, my first book was the chicken way out. It was healing poetry. I also turned it into a card line with photography. I sent it to children's shelters, hospital gift stores, did a prison ministry with it, and have a whole file full of letters from people I've never met telling me how it encouraged them even through cancer and other things.  I was stymied.

And then one day, I walked into a bookstore, met the owner. She was an author several times over.  We hit it off right from the start.  She said, "You must have been born with a silver spoon in your mouth."  I laughed and said, "You have no idea."  We got to talking. I told her my story, and she said, "You need to write a book."  I said, "Yeah, I know, I've been trying for years, but I can't seem to put the words down because it overwhelms me."  She called me that evening and offered to help me write my story.  I about fell over. She also surprised me when she asked me to think of a funny story in the midst of all the terror.  I told her there weren't any.  But after thinking really hard, I came up with a couple, that at the time didn't seem funny, but looking back from a different light made me laugh.  Those couple stories ended up being some of the best in the book as well, and lightened it up because it is quite heavy for people to read. I've sold several copies, but mostly give them away when I here similar stories like ours.

It's great that you found an essay instructor.  Maybe that will help.  They can sort it out when it gets to be too much, and help you get it down on paper.  You wouldn't necessarily have to turn it into a novel.  You could just compile your short stories  and put them into a book.  That would seem to greatly simplify things and not make it has overwhelming as a novel. Mine ended up being a self-help memoir.  But, I changed all the names, so nobody could sue me and also used a pen name, so not as traceable. So, funny,  I also started out in ad copy for a local newspaper. Our stories are so similar.  As a side note, my middle sister is more evil than my narc father as well.  She is highly intelligent which makes her way more scary than my father.  They definitely are nuts. 

The crazier it gets, the more interesting material for a book.  Just when I thought I came to the end of my book. My family did something horrific and unspeakable to my son to hurt me.  To this day, it cramps my brain to think about it.  It added the final horrific chapter too my book. It actually ended up being the best chapter, and man, did it drive it home, unfortunately at my son's expense. You couldn't make this stuff up in your wildest dreams.   I wish you the best with your writing endeavor.  Sometimes, it's all we can do. Hugs, Adria

[JustKat]

As a side note, my middle sister is more evil than my narc father as well.  She is highly intelligent which makes her way more scary than my father.

I do think education/intelligence has a lot to do with the level of evil. Both of my parents had only high school diplomas. Back in the day, that's all you needed to land a good job. My sister has an advanced degree in biology or science. She's very smart and very crafty. My mother often failed at her gaslighting attempts because she was just so uneducated. She always tried to push the narrative that I was jealous of my then-GC brother.  One thing that still makes me laugh out loud is when I went NC, she sent me this multi-page screed where she said I was an idiot for being jealous of his education because they were so poor they had to send him to the local community college for his Master's Degree.
Ummmmm.....

That's a great story about your journey through writing. How wonderful that your poetry collection has helped so many people. The writing instructor I have now has been great. I keep taking the same courses with her over and over. Once you find someone who really gets you, it pays to stay with them. She's not only helped me become a better writer, but has been extremely supportive and understanding of how triggering it can be writing about childhood trauma.

I'd really love to read your book. Feel free to message me with the title.

Your mother and mine have a similar background.  In short, she also married very young in another country which she had been living for a few years since the death of her father and mother.

I wonder if it's common for PD parents to move far away from their own FOO. It sure makes it easier for them to get away with their abuse when their own parents and siblings are too far away to see any of it.

I just saw a meme on Facebook that made me think of you (and all of us, really). It said, "Sometimes the black sheep in the family is the only one telling the truth." I usually find Internet memes to be silly, but that one sure nailed it.

Vent away anytime you need to.

[Adria]

Hi, JustKathy, I messaged you.