My mother has befriended my friend!!!

[Peace Lily]

My Nmother's best friend's daughter is a very good friend of mine. However, I've recently discovered my mother is messaging her every 2-3 days! My friend is very ill and my mother is supposedly being kind and supportive! Obviously, after counselling and lots of work I realise it is unlikely my mother's compassion prompting this. She is in fact horrible about my friend (and her own friends, and everyone) behind her back. So what is she up to? Has she adopted a new daughter/surrogate as a a source of supply? My mother has never let her mask drop in front of my friend. My friend has lots of lovely memories of childhood holidays together, although she was supportive of me when I came Out of the FOG and has not gossiped to her own mother about my issues, I'm pretty sure.

What game is my mother playing? How do I manage my relationship with my friend? If I am medium chill with my mother, will little things get back to her via my friend? Can I manage this with my new stronger boundaries?

One more thing, my mother is likely jealous of my relationship with my friend, as she is jealous of all my relationships, achievements, etc. No, I am SURE she is jealous and may manipulate to spoil it.

Any one else been in a similar situation? Any advice on preserving a valued friendship?

[Leonor]

Hi Peace,

I'm sorry your friend is unwell and hope she recovers soon!

I was best friends with my mom's best friend's daughter and it was very much like aunts and cousins. Boundaries, not so much. My mom and my former best friend were HPD (and I wonder where she picked that up), so they were at each other more than bonding, but it's all the same. Dysfunction.

It's not about you, or your friend. It's not even about jealousy or resentment. It's the drama. It's getting all up in a situation. Your friend is sick, and that's interesting.

So you just keep being the good and kind friend you are. Think of your mom as the crazy lady neighbor or bothersome coworker. You hear about it, you roll your eyes, you move on to other topics.

I hope your friend feels better soon!

[Peace Lily]

Thank you Leonor, for your kind words about my friend and your insight into this situation. I think you could have a point about the drama, I had not thought of that. My mother's favourite conversation topic is health and hospitals and her favourite tv programmes are reality tv  hospital dramas.

[Starboard Song]

What game is my mother playing? How do I manage my relationship with my friend? If I am medium chill with my mother, will little things get back to her via my friend? Can I manage this with my new stronger boundaries?

I'd suggest having this conversation, very gently, with your friend. You can very humbly explain these very concerns. After explaining the ways you fear this could go wrong, you can assure them you trust them, and aren't asking anything except their respect for your privacy, and you just wanted to be honest about the emotions you struggle with. If you choose to have this sort of conversation, I'd recommend keeping it very brief. You described your fears to us a couple paragraphs. I read your post in less than a minute. If it had taken 10 minutes to read, you'd not have seemed so strong, so clear, so honest.

Maybe I am totally off-base, and others will say to not have such a direct conversation. We did this with my BIL. We just shared a few of the sorts of things we'd like to be respected on, shared our fears, and left it at that.

Good luck to you!

[Cat of the Canals]

PD mom has always tried to ingratiate herself with my friends. I've always felt it's a way of keeping me "in the fold." The more people tying us together, the more flying monkeys she has at her disposal that she can send my way when she wants to waif about how Cat doesn't call enough/visit enough/etc.

PD mil recently struck up a friendship with one of my husband's old friends from high school and almost immediately started using him as a flying monkey. When it became clear that this "friend" was reporting back to mil about H and discussions were happening behind his back, H bluntly but politely told his friend that the situation was making him uncomfortable and has since limited contact. MIL lacks my mother's social skills, and I think that's why she misjudged how much influence this old friend (who is really more of an acquaintance now) would have over H.

In your situation, given that this is a close friend, I think it would be prudent to get ahead of any flying monkey/gossiping behind your back scenarios. Like Starboard suggested, I would gently request that your relationship with your friend remain separate (and private) from her relationship with your mother.

[sandpiper]

Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour, so I think you need to ask yourself, has she done this before and how did that work out, last time it happened?
My mother's FOO went to great lengths to find people to do their stalking for them and that continued well into my adulthood by younger generations of the family who had seen their parents and grandparents do it and had never learned that stalking is an unhealthy behaviour and it's part of the coercive control tools list.
If your mother is simply messaging your friend with 'I hope you are feeling better dear' then that is one thing. If she's on a fishing expedition for ammunition that she can use to detonate in your life or to bust up the friendship, it's time to talk.
As another poster said, it might be time to talk to your friend about boundaries.

That said, it may simply be that as you are growing and healing and discovering healthier behaviours, you're going to notice that the people you've carried with you up to this point may not necessarily have those skills. Growth is uncomfortable & you might need to step back and assess this friendship. Someone with healthy boundaries and a good spidey-sense isn't going to be encouraging someone with a PD into their inner circle when they are experiencing pain, difficulty, illness and challenges.

If you need to have that conversation, narrow it down to one or two very brief points for your friend.
I.e. 'I've noticed my mother has increased her interest in you. My concern is that at some point she's going to use you to get to me. Either by tricking you into giving her information that I don't want her to have, or by finding a way to sabotage our friendship.'
Or if she has some other tactic for white-anting your life, name it.
write down what you want to say, write down the boundary that you want to set with your friend  i.e 'Please do not discuss me with my mother or share anything I've told you.'
If you get the 'Oh but your mother is so wonderful' line, you know you're dealing with someone who has many layers of wool over their eyes and it's time to back away, slowly, and find/forge healthier friendships.

[Peace Lily]

Thank you Starboard Song. I like your framework for setting boundaries. You're right that it is a good idea to keep things to the point. I have in the past had a habit of over sharing with all and sundry!

I have set some boundaries with my friend which she has respected, and she has checked with me what information she can or cannot share with my mother. I am ready to back away if she does cross them. Maybe it's more a case that I recently lowered the boundary myself. I said it would be ok for my friend to tell her mother (my Ms friend) she was coming to spend a weekend in our holiday cottage as a gift to her and her husband. I did this, because I felt bad for my friend having to lie to her own mother about her whereabouts.  I thought I should preempt this by calling my NM. She reacted by suggesting my friend would not cope as she is ill and guilt tripping me (unsuccessfully) to invite her and Dad here as she is also ill and needs a break ( ). Nothing about what a kind gesture to give my friend a free weekend staying in our holiday cottage.

[Peace Lily]

Thanks Cat, I will beware of flying monkeys. I have not really experienced them much as my mother does not talk to most family other than me, but this situation could potentially develop.

[Peace Lily]

Hi Sandpiper, no I don't think my mother has a history of stalking, but I do think she might like to ruin my friendship and replace me. My friend, as you say, has plenty of wool over her eyes when it comes to my mother. She and her family don't understand why we don't all "talk things through" as they do in their family. As I'm sure you know, there is no 'adult' discussion with a PD.

I hope to continue my friendship, but will be mindful of my boundaries and will have that discussion if it appears my mother is getting info She shouldn't.

Thank you all for your comments- it is good to take stock with your input for guidance.

[nanotech]

This sort of shenanigans happened a great deal with my family of origin. 
When I left my hometown, Nsis started to go to the same hairdresser, whom I had gone to since 16 years old ( he was a good friend and it was a significant time in my life for recovery from a very abusive boyfriend.)
It's  just as if they see you having a good relationship with someone, moving forward in your life, and they want to know why you're getting all of that friendship, kindness and respect. They simultaneously want it for themselves and want you not to have it. Not ever.
Just be very wary. They enjoy talking about   us to these friends and then putting their own spin on it. They fish about to see if you've said anything about them which they can 'correct'. It's a form of love bombing our allies where we get devalued and discarded.
I never discussed my abusive relationship with my lovely hairdresser. I was very young abd I totally blamed myself for it - later coming to realise that I wasn't protected by family( he love bombed them abd sort of became their 'son' for a while. My mum loved him to bits and told me she still felt sorry for him even after she was forced to accept that he'd abused me.)

Those simple  hairdresser visits felt like a very safe place indeed. I can't really describe why.  It was just me,  trying to feel like me again.
I'm pretty sure that once my sister started going there regularly, that she told him all about my past. I also think she discussed my present relationships with him. Spin doctoring while she did it. 
It's a really difficult one to counter. I felt she'd ruined my relationship with my hairdresser. When I moved back I didn't return to him. I was in the fog then. I think an Out of the FOG nanotech would have reclaimed him. 
The situation is maybe  different  with friends.  There's already a strong bond there. Plus you are more disclosing anyway, with friends. 
PDs just think they  have a right to our good fortune, whether it be our relationships, our homes our possessions etc.
In terms of relationships, which they are bad at forming, it's also a 'fast tracker' for them. We do the work, then they jump on board. They sell themselves on the basis of their family connection  to us.  It's another huge way of taking advantage of our successful healthy relationships.
Narcissists/ PDs  get a huge rise in their self -esteem by putting us down.
They also want us put firmly back into the family pecking order- right at the bottom of course!
How dare we think otherwise? ! How dare we think we can have healthy relationships?! 
It's a control thing linked to what they think we do and don't deserve in life.
Social media gives them much more opportunity to encroach and sabotage our healthy relationships. I have my FOO blocked on it.

[MarlenaEve]

Yes, they do this so often. My mother befriended many of my friends on Facebook when I had her contact there. Unfortunately, she also befriended my brother's exes (all of them)-and she even talks on the phone with my brother's ex's mother. One of these exes became my friend (it was weird how we became friendly) and I didn't realize my mom was actually talking to her on facebook behind my back. I ended up blocking this friend and unfriending her in real life, explaining that I am not sure about our relationships and we should not see each other anymore. Thankfully, she understood, however, she continues to have a contact with my family on social media (although she's broken up with my brother for some years now) and I find that disturbing.

After some inner work and journaling, I realized that not all of our friends will see our abusive mother in the same light. They may see this person as the mother they never had or a person who tries hard to be a mother or someone who does not deserve the treatment she receives from us.

And, most importantly, these friends who just can't see that our abusive parent (mother or father) is actually abusive, are usually on the unhealthy, abusive side themselves. My ex friend told me with her own words that she is fucked up and has issues. I should have listened to her.
Supportive, empathetic, and kind friends will stand by you and detach from any person who harms you.

[runnerbabe33]

I saw the title to this thread and immediately clicked. My nMom used (and still tries!!) to do this.

When I was in high school I thought she did this because she was lonely and sad but now that I'm an adult I realize how abnormal an adult "befriending" children truly is. She would do this to not only manipulate me into having low self esteem (and therefore not leave her if SHE was my only friend! she used to pit me against my friends and then make me repeat "family is more important than friends" after her - very creepy) but would also have a short lived supply of affection from teenage girls - because she usually targeted my friends without moms at home, a sick friend or someone easier to prey upon. On a few occasions she really hurt some of my friends as well. (again more drama and chaos) But now that I'm an adult and barely in her life at all, she's taken to using social media for this kind of supply. She finally admitted to me that she has been making multiple "fake" accounts on facebook to contact my old school friends. She's using pretty obvious tactics to bait me back into her life, to stir up drama between me and people I haven't seen in 20 years and an unlikely a side supply of affection - since most of the people she's contacting are now adult women in their 30s and 40s.

So if your mother is anything like mine, she's gone after your sick friend to stir up some drama to get herself some attention. If you can, warn your friend. If she doesn't want to hear you, I would maybe suggest distancing from that person because people who enable N supply tend to be counterproductive to your own mental health.