She got her way again. It's amazing.

[spring13]

I have been posting about this on and off...my uNPD/BPDm has been wanting to move to GC Bro's city. They had a big falling out because she was horrible to him and his wife (shocking, I know). She sent him a fake apology (basically blaming all of her terrible behavior on my father's passing...because it wasn't enough that she used him in life, she has to use him after he's gone, too). He accepted it.

He is flying to my city this Saturday. Supposedly driving immediately to go get her (she's staying with a 'friend' about 1.5 hours from me). I found this out from my SIL when I was texting her about something else. "I think he was going to text you for a ride."

Let me get this straight. He's flying to my city. Not a thought of contacting me (if he's planning to get a ride, he might want to ask, oh, I don't know, before the day arrives to see if I'm even around this weekend?) . Not a thought of spending a few minutes with me or, more importantly, meeting my son, his nephew, whom he's never met? Nope. No mention of that, but hey, if he does text me, it will be to ask for a RIDE to go see uNPD/BPDm whom I'm once again NC with.

I mean, it just kills me. It kills me that he gave in to her (he tells SIL that "she has nowhere else to go" and "he feels he has no choice"). I know he is angry at me and SIL says he isn't (the few times we have talked it has been clear he is, and I am guessing why...because he had always assumed I would take care of this stuff, because I did take care/show up for our parents for all those years). He feels he has no choice but he is a grown man. He is choosing dear old mom once again. More important to go get her and drive her home then to even spend 1 hour, 1 day, whatever with me and my family, including the nephew he hasn't even met.

I'm totally venting. But it made me so sad and angry. I was a good sister all these years. A good aunt. He obviously doesn't give a frig about me or my family. The last time I visited him he yelled at me about my parents and made it pretty clear he had believed all of the BS my mother had been spewing about me since I went NC. I broke NC to go see our dad a few times when he was dying because I DID love and care about my dad so much despite his enabling behaviors and GC Bro couldn't take a day off to go see him when it was clear he had very little time left, but he can take a couple of days off to drive our nightmare of a mother back to his city so she can make his life miserable. WHY???

By the way, she didn't find an apartment in my brother's city. She found an extended stay. SIL says "she's going to find an apartment and have the movers bring everything to her after she's settled."

Uh-huh. I would bet a LOT of money that she will find a way to weasel herself into my brother's house. Fake medical crisis? "problems" with the extended stay? "Problems" with any apartment that is available? "Problems" that she will try to force him to address, thereby driving a wedge between him and his wife?

Sorry...I know that I shouldn't care about this and my brother is a grown man. I guess I'm still hurt that it's 100% clear we will never have a relationship and therefore, neither will our kids, and honestly, it's immature, but part of me is MAD because my mother probably LOVES that we don't have a relationship. That is how she designed it by manipulating/trashing us to each other all of our freaking lives.

Thanks for listening.

[WomanInterrupted]

Yes, it IS amazing how enmeshed - and angry - other family members  become, when we  don't *ahem* do our duty for mom, dad  or both of them.   

I have a suggestion - if your brother needs a ride, be MIA.  You're busy, or  you just don't answer  your phone.   

If he wants her there, he can do it *without you.*   

He doesn't want to see you - or your son - that, to me, is a BIG tell.  You're a ride service, and nothing more, taking him  to collect your mom to his - when he thought *that's YOUR job!  YOU take care of mom and leave me out of it!*   

Or something along those lines - your SIL may claim he's not  angry - I think she's wrong.

I think he's *furious.*   

Beyond furious - this was NOT supposed to land on his head and disrupt his life!  YOU were supposed to take care of all of it!      

If  your brother is still stuck in the FOG - that's not your problem, or your fault.

From here on out, I'd suggest you make yourself as remote as possible and let *them* figure out what to do with your mom when things just don't work out.   

Be *remote.*  Be *aloof.*  You are the summit of Everest, now - or you're on Mars.  You can't  be reached.  The coms are down.   

And you're doing *absolutely nothing wrong* in protecting yourself!   

Your life is   that - YOURS.   You get to live it as you wish, and how you *want* to live it.   

If  you've decided  your mother is not going to be a part of that - you have your reasons and you've chosen wisely.   

If your brother has not chosen  wisely - that's on him, and stay OUT of it.     

[Yael924]

My GC sibling did this too. I moved far away and she was LIVID, yelling at me "well who is going to take care of mom and dad????"

Thing is, she did it nearly 30 years ago. No one was even retired.

Maybe it's a GC thing. They want the cash and prizes but not the work?

[practical]

on your behalf: 

I think I would treat myself Saturday and Sunday to a little getaway, the movies, the zoo or a museum, dinner with friends, I might even go bowling, I certainly would be busy with my life  . They have invented the rental car, Lift, so he'll find a way to get dear M. He would believe your M's stories, because you are malfunctioning for him too.

It is sad and infuriating how the dysfunction keeps rolling and trying to pull you into the avalanche this is going to be at some point. Fortunately you are Out of the FOG and can read the warning signs, know to stay safely away.

[spring13]

I think he's *furious.*   

Beyond furious - this was NOT supposed to land on his head and disrupt his life!  YOU were supposed to take care of all of it!      

If  your brother is still stuck in the FOG - that's not your problem, or your fault.

From here on out, I'd suggest you make yourself as remote as possible and let *them* figure out what to do with your mom when things just don't work out.   

WI, thanks. I think you're right. I do think he's absolutely furious. And I do need to step back. I have been trying to maintain a relationship with my SIL and keep up with how the kids are and honestly, I should probably just stop even though it breaks my heart. I can't talk to her about this any more as it makes me crazy and it's not healthy to talk to her about it when my GC bro and I aren't really talking.

Maybe it's a GC thing. They want the cash and prizes but not the work?

I think this might be part of it, Yael!  Good point. And there seems to be a martyrdom aspect. Ugh.

I think I would treat myself Saturday and Sunday to a little getaway, the movies, the zoo or a museum, dinner with friends, I might even go bowling, I certainly would be busy with my life  . They have invented the rental car, Lift, so he'll find a way to get dear M. He would believe your M's stories, because you are malfunctioning for him too.

Thanks, practical. I think I will. We had planned on going on a day trip with the kiddos anyway (although we hadn't decided for what yet). So all the more reason to do so.

He has yet to contact me anyway, and it's better for both of us at this point if he just doesn't. Either way, I won't be giving the ride. I am too resentful, it isn't healthy, and I don't appreciate being used. And, of course, I have no desire to see my mother.

Thank you all for listening. It is painful to let go of any last shreds of hope that somehow my GC bro will turn out to be decent and care about someone besides our mother and himself.

[spring13]

Quick update.

He texted the request to me last night. It was late. I was asleep.

This morning when I responded, I said we have other plans (we do).

Ugh.

[practical]

Well handled

One of the things that never ceases to amaze me is, that in their minds we apparently twiddle our thumbs 24/7 till they call with their latest request, which we are expected to fulfill in double-time. For them we don't seem to have lives. A request like this with less than 48 h notice, thanks but no thanks  .

Enjoy your get away 

[WomanInterrupted]

VERY nicely handled!   

I agree with Practical - it's like they think we sit on a shelf, waiting for our marching orders, and have nothing better to do.

We have no lives, jobs, family, relationships, interests, responsibilities - we're just dolls on a shelf, and when they point at us or tap us on the shoulder, we're supposed to spring to life and just do, fetch, bring, get, carry, drive, cook, or whatever else they need.   

Enjoy your day - and many more days to come!   

If your brother starts calling you to gripe about what a PITA your mom is, you might want to consider blocking him.  Same with SIL, I'm afraid to say - this drama is now *theirs* and if they want out, they can find a way *that doesn't involve anybody named Spring13.* 

[spring13]

Thanks, practical and WI. You know, I was very polite/nice in my text. He didn't even respond. You're right--we don't have lives or families as far as they are concerned. And if we're not doing what we're supposed to, we either don't exist or we are troublemakers.

I'm afraid, WI, you are right about not engaging in the venting. I have been doing that with SIL because I knew I could understand her situation and sympathize. But those conversations only have left me, lately, feeling sad, frustrated, and angry. And they don't listen to me anyway. It's hard because I will always love both of them, but I need to just drop the rope. I know even after my mother has passed there will still be such scars. I'm sad I won't be seeing my niece or nephews. I'm sad my kids won't know them. This isn't what I wanted at all, but I can't make a relationship happen when the other people involved don't care.

[broken]

I wonder how things are going in your brother's town now, with your uNPD/BPDm living there?  If I had a crystal ball, I would guess that he and your SIL have already realized that Spring13 wasn't so wrong after all, because uNPD/BPDm  is likely driving them up a wall, and quite possibly a wedge between their marriage. 

[WomanInterrupted]

Broken and I have the same non-existent crystal ball, and Kris Godinez  confirms it in this YouTube video.

https://youtu.be/0eqmbRwDHSA

It's about toxic ageing parents and in-laws, and is over 2 hours long, but you can listen in bits, if you'd like.  She's *very* informative and like that tough-talking friend, we all should have in our lives.

Her advice, if mom or dad lives with you is to get them out, move them out, do anything you have to, get them into assisted living but GET THEM OUT!

Your mom is probably triangulating like crazy, targeting SIL and making her the "enemy" in telling lies to your brother, so often that he starts to believe them.

The goal is to get your SIL out of the picture, and have your brother all to herself.

Remember:  if they decide she's got to go, *that's not your problem.*  It's *their* problem.   

And NO is a complete sentence. 

[spring13]

Hey broken and WI,

It's funny you mention this, because I had my therapy appointment the other day and was telling my therapist about all of this. She said she felt sorry for my SIL most of all, because this was not likely to end well. I said, me too. And she supported my decision to stay the heck out of everything. I am going to check out that YouTube video. Thanks for posting it.

I haven't reached out to find out how things are going. And I haven't heard anything from SIL or brother. I think after our last uncomfortable conversation, I might not hear from SIL. She realizes, I think, that my GC bro and I are just not at all on similar terms regarding our mother and how dangerous she is. OTOH, it's possible that my mother is behaving herself, as it's only been two weeks...but on the other hand, who am I kidding? She can't behave herself for that long! She could be biding her time to make a move...but then again, she has very little self control, so I highly doubt it.

A morbid part of me wonders how it is going. But I don't *actually* want to know. I've seen this game enough with her. She will pout, play the victim, lie about SIL or other people, have one thing after another she "needs" my brother for, and more and more responsibilities will fall on my SIL's already-full shoulders. She will play guilt trip after guilt trip on my brother, and they still seem to work on him.

Years ago, my oldest brother, who had just come back from duty in a war zone, moved his family across the country to be closer to my parents. My mother had zero grace in that situation even though she had been lobbying for him to move closer. Within days, it fell apart (he was staying with them while he looked for a house). Ultimately, that situation led to his NC because my mother treated his wife, my SIL, horrifically when nobody (brother and my dad) was around, and acted like a victim/told lies about her when my dad got home from work. She said my nieces and nephews (the oldest was about 7 at the time) were "evil" and "horrible" (they were terrified of her). She complained about how SIL/brother took her food, etc. She gave my SIL the evil eye and ignored her or was nasty to her all day long.

Within a couple of hours of the kids' arrival, my mother was pouting in the other room with only my dad dutifully paying her attention. She couldn't stand that the kids were getting attention. She must get all the attention! It was an eye-opening moment for me, and honestly probably the first big step towards me actually establishing boundaries. Seeing how she treated my bro and his family was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my parents. It was horrible.

I see this situation as potentially being worse because she no longer has my dad to try to make peace/smooth over/hide some of her behaviors, and her lies continue apace as she has lied to all of us about things we have supposedly done I guess our whole lives. Also, I know her. She has been determined that her place is in my brother's house, being taken care of by him and SIL. She will not rest until she either makes that happen or she dies.

I hope that in the end, my brother chooses wisely. But given his behavior so far, I honestly am not sure he will.