Struggling with the New Me

[Hopeful Spine]

Feeling a bit of a victory today.  We are not attending a family party.  Since there are no Memorial Day services my husband suggested that we treat this like a regular Monday and go to work.  The partial reason being that in his work if he loses a day early in the week it messes up the rest of his week.  The other reason being that he's fed up with them.

His texts to family yesterday went unanswered and late in the day he receives one with the details for the evening.  We had already made other plans with friends, although if they had communicated earlier we'd have accommodated them for a short time.  He spoke to his parents and they seemed resentful that a portion of their children hadn't replied, another portion did something different.  They were left with entertaining their son that they complain about the most and their other child with specific issues.  "Maybe you can stop by for a little while?"  She hinted.  I was proud that he said "No, we've already made our plans."

So today I am at work and feeling happy.  A little giddy with a bit of guilt.  A little fear that husband will cave and call me and suggest we go there for lunch or something.  He's sleeping in today, which I know means that this is all taking a bit of a toll on him.  We're sad, but we had an otherwise great weekend.

I did have a wonderful moment of realization yesterday.  I started my morning with a prayer of thanksgiving.  My heart felt so full of gratitude that our relationship has come so far.  Previous years in our marriage I'd have been exhausted on Sunday of the holiday weekend.  I would have already endured two nights of drinking.  It would have caught up with him and he would have spent Sunday full steam with family and drinking.  He'd be surly and mean and would be picking arguments.  Back then I actually wanted to go to the inlaws because then I'd have someone to commiserate with.  My SIL "friends" would have complained right along with me and it would have been a bonding but miserable night.  Monday we'd all meet again to go to the services (looking like this perfect Kennedy style family with our red, white and blue) but be dreading the rest of the day while the siblings would drink and do whatever they wanted.

BTW, I have finally learned that you don't have to have a traditionally "trashy" family to have it be highly dysfunctional.  We're "nice" people.  Professional, clean cut, examples of proper society.  But the way we interact is absolute trash.

Anyway, I had that prayer of gratitude and spent the day with husband enjoying our errands.  A one point in the day he sort of pushed my buttons and I got annoyed with something he did and I expressed my irritation.  He flared up a bit and left for about 15 minutes.  I spent that time and the rest of the afternoon doing my planned project and tasks.  When he returned a short time later the air was cleared and we went on to have a wonderful evening.  And even laughed about it later that night.  If that happened five years ago I wouldn't have been able to continue on with my day.  I would have forced myself to at least make a side dish for the party.  I'd have put on extra make up.  I'd have tip toed around him the rest of the day.  I'd have gotten through the party. And I'd have spent Monday truly, truly sad or very relived - depending on how my husband would have chosen to behave on Monday.

But this year - I left my home this morning feeling genuine concern for my husband who has slept in too late.  I'm hoping he will wake refreshed and that his day will go well.  I left looking, with satisfaction, at the tasks I completed yesterday.  I'm at work today knowing that I will accomplish something and that later this afternoon I will either be relaxing with my husband or I will have agreed to bend and see his family briefly.  I know that I will go to bed happy today.  And that is well worth the efforts of the last 5 years. 

[PeanutButter]

 
You have made leaps and bounds of improvement!
You are continuing to progress!
That is FANTASTIC! 

[doingoveroroverdoing]

Good work last weekend. Politely declining has gotten so much easier, I know it will for you. It'll be nice for you & DH to have more time for your own family.  :

[Hopeful Spine]

Thanks for the good vibes!  We had another awesome weekend that unfortunately began with his family drama.  Another outing where he was included but a lot of information about the event was withheld from him.  He opted to not go and then later found out the details and was angry.  It makes him think that they deliberately leave out info in the hopes that he will decline. 

I just don't get it.  I see him as an interesting, fun, person.  Just the sort that you'd like to have in your group.  It just doesn't make any sense.  Sometimes I think it's a matter of jealousy.  My husband has overcome a lot.  He's accomplished, well-liked by others (like my family, his customers, pretty much anyone we run into in public), he's funny, helpful.  I know that some of the other guys in the family are insecure so I could understand that, but some are VERY accomplished in their life choices and have no reason to be jealous.

It makes me wonder if I'm missing a bit of valuable information and that is why they seem to distance themselves from him.  He's not "so perfect" that an entire family would be uncomfortable with him.  Like we don't have super fancy home, vehicles, travel or anything intimidating in our lives.  He does have his flaws and I get irritated with him from time to time but he's not "so awful" that everyone in the group would want to shun him.  So what gives?  What am I missing here?

Nevertheless we had an awesome weekend.  Good times, good food, we completed a big project together, he even took some time to go somewhere fun with a friend.  Multiple times my husband said, "you know, I'm glad I'm here and not with those guys.  I love getting these projects done."  He was in great spirits all weekend but he often would say, "you know, another thing about those guys . . ."  So I know he was thinking of this a lot.

I posted something on social media with a photo of our project and how it was such a awesome day with him.  I'll admit that it was an F-you post to any of those guys who might have seen it.  It made me feel better though.

I'm finding myself less concerned with the people in my life that I used to consider friends.  I've slowly just stopped thinking about them.  It's sort of like the media, when you focus on a news story and nothing else, you feel at a loss.  I've been reaching out and a few exchanges were positive, some were not and I seem to be able to accept that. 

Not having to attend his family party on Memorial Day has helped me to not think about my sister in laws.  I haven't seen most of them since Christmas and I'm finding that it suits me just fine.  I know my resentment is still there but when I don't have to see them I can maintain a sense of peace about them.

I've reached a standstill on my religious worship.  I was a bit lost when we couldn't go anywhere.  Most people used their churches as a reference on how to worship online.  Without having a strong "church home" I was lost but I eventually found my own comfort in prayer.  Now that churches are allowed to worship again I'm feeling the anxiety again.  The desire to want to be a part of something but unsure where.  The expectation that trying something new right now wouldn't be an honest experience of the church considering that they are finding their new footing with all the regulations.  I've sort of given myself permission to take a break for awhile and just wait until God calls me in a certain direction.

I used to escape in books and movies.  These days I focus on projects and that seems to be giving me a sense of satisfaction and self worth that does not result from watching or reading.

[Hopeful Spine]

It's hard to compartmentalize your love.

Each week is more evident that the further away we pull from family - the easier our lives become.  We find our thoughts to be less troubling.  Our conversations less negative.  Peace reigns and we look forward to the days knowing that we are building our lives properly.

Then a family emergency happens.  An extended family member isn't doing well and we've all been notified. It's sad and we are prepared for the worse.  We care about those family members who more closely surround the one who is not well.  Times like this we want to embrace family and participate if there is a need.  These feelings widens the gap between us in a bad way.  A way that makes us feel more alone.  The urge is to find ways to get closer, even if we know it's not healthy.

Some families fail during hard times.  This family seems to shine in between fledgling efforts.  Enough glimmer to make me want to "try again".  When I "try" I jump in.  All in.  And then find myself in a bad place.

I need to compartmentalize.  I need to "grey rock".  I need to balance.  It's hard when your first response is to love - but not love too much.

[Hopeful Spine]

A day with an extended family event.  I let my husband take the lead on everything as it was his family and a bit of a stressful situation.  I was nice and friendly but not overly so.  We participated in the event and then opted out of an additional outing.  One of the people posted something on social media about it, and . . . I didn't care one bit.

A couple of years ago I would have reasoned with my husband for us to attend that extra event.  I would have been nervous as we were all seated - hoping I'd get seated next to someone that I felt comfortable with.  I would have been watching the crowd, taking notes of who was unkind or snarky.  The rest of the day we'd be stewing and complaining.  Comparing stories.

Even a few months ago that photo on social media would have hurt.  I don't even know why.

We attended a church service and I decided to not participate in a portion of the service.  It's something that only people of that faith are allowed to do.  I stressed about this because not doing it would draw extra attention to us.  I really hadn't thought about this portion of the service until we got there.  We hadn't discussed this and I didn't want to cause my husband distress at this event.  I leaned over and told him my intentions but then offered to participate if he preferred.   He told me I could do whatever I wanted so I did.  My heart was beating a mile a minute but I stayed seated and I realized all at once that my choice to do this is not such a big deal after all.  I'm only turning away from a religious ritual.  NOT God. No one cares how I worship - except for God and I feel He's pulling me onto a different path.

On the way home he asked me why I didn't participate.  His voice sounded strong - like he wanted to argue and I kept my voice neutral and said what I thought.  And that was it.  He dropped it.  I have a long road to go on my relationship with God but today I felt good for making this active decision for myself.  It's time for me to get busy trying out new churches.  Because it doesn't matter what works for my SIL or friend.  It doesn't matter that my husband want to be a weak member of the church.  It's not enough for me and what I've been doing for years doesn't feel good.  It's okay to try new things.

We got home, discussed our separate plans for the day and then made a plan for us to do something this evening.  I'm happy.  I'm incredibly tired (probably from the emotional energy), but happy. 

[PeanutButter]

 
Time to change the thread subject line to: "Im proud of the new me,"
WELL DONE Hopeful Spine!

[Hopeful Spine]

I watched a documentary about forgiveness last night.  Even though life is good right now - I know that I have not forgiven some family members.  I'm able to grey rock around them.  I tip toe in and out of events when they are around.  I don't gossip or complain about them to anyone (except for my husband) but the fact remains - I am bitter.  I am jealous of the good things in their life that I don't have.  I feel "less than" because of the way I was treated.  If this person wasn't a family member I think I would have released this anger by now.  I would have worked it out in my head that she acted the way she did for the various reason.  That she was scared and unsure of herself and that I should accept it and move on.

I mean, I'm telling myself all these things now.  And I really do believe that she's messed up in her head on some level.  Or just such and epic jerk that I shouldn't even care.  I should have compassion for a handful of hurtful words.  I should be a stronger person and able to accept that the fact that she literally doesn't try to make things right just means that the friendship I thought we had - didn't really exist - and that's okay.

Some days I feel those things and I believe that God will work this all out in the end.  It's going to be okay.  And then other days I'm just so pissed that I have to see her.  And maintain that distance with her children who loved us.  I'm not comfortable or happy being in this family.

Today I'm also annoyed with the rest of my husbands siblings in regard to a Fathers Day get together.  Some are not attending due to sports, some will be coming back from vacation.  A brother has decided that the Covid is still too strong and he will stop by for a yard visit but isn't comfortable staying for a meal.  Fine.  Except that brother just spent a week on a vacation with a ton of other people.  And has been dining out in restaurants.  Whatever, I don't even really want to attend either.  It's just that the hypocrisy is so evident. 

[Hopeful Spine]

I just realized something.  I get very annoyed on BEHALF of others. 

I'm annoyed because my husband siblings are very dismissive of their parents.  But why should this bother me?  In fact it helps me because it get's me away from a lot of negative people.  Visit to my in laws are shorter and there are less people there.

Why should I care if my MIL chooses to NOT call her children and find out why they never want to get together?  Her relationship and how she treats her children is not my responsibility.

Why is it my business if my FIL prefers to make plans with the family friend (who is the same age as his own children) instead of spending time with his OWN children?  I can see how that hurts my husband.  But stewing about it is not the best way to "solve" this issue.  No because it's not an issue.  It's not my responsibility to solve anything.  It's the choices of other adult people.  NOT ME.

Why do I judge a "friend" who only seem to care about having lunch.  Maybe that is all she can contribute to a friendship.  And furthermore, why do I judge that same person for how she caters to her own mother, in what I view as an unhealthy way.  I don't truly understand her reasons nor have I been around long enough to know their history.

Why do I read into the actions of a SIL?  I don't like or respect her.  Maybe it's okay to have a negative opinion on a person without constantly thinking and judging them.  Or taking their actions personally.  Or thinking that I hold the answers to how they should change their actions.

These are examples of things I think about on a daily basis.  I have no control over these people.  I'm sure they aren't looking to me for an opinion on how they are living their own lives.  I really have no clue on what is best for them.

The kicker is that I consider myself a nice person.  "Good person" seems to come up a lot when I let these thoughts out.  All I've ever seemed to want is to be seen as a "good person".  For some reason this is incredibly important to me.  I don't know that I've every really considered that the appearance of "good" is wildly subjective.  I've been spinning my wheels trying to appear "good" to everyone.  But inside I'm ugly and pecky.  And judge-y about almost everything and everyone.  Except for myself.  I'm perfect.  Except I'm not.  Far from it.

This reminds me of the day my parents came to my house recently.  My husband and I had built something and were proud to show it off.  They were reasonably impressed.  I then walked with my mother around my yard to show her the new blooms on some plants.  She picked out every negative thing - even though the whole property looked really great. 

Sticker bushes that had taken over a small section of the yard.  An ant hill in a portion of the grass.  A few weeds popping up from the newly laid mulch.  A plant that clearly hadn't been watered enough.  A pillow that got knocked off the lounge chair.  It was like she thought it was her responsibility to point out all these little misses so I could fix them.  My pride in the new item we built was taken down a few notches because I'd clearly been neglecting the rest of the property.  Even though I'd been working my butt off all week at my job, cleaning the inside my home, with other obligations, and building the new thing - I felt lazy and pathetic.  Perfection was not achieved.

She didn't "help" me.  She was rude.  Flat out rude.  Who goes to another persons home and does that?  I don't want my inside voice to morph into a person like this.  I need to change.

Maybe it's not my job to pick at other peoples misses.  The flaws I see in others actions might be the result of them working harder in other aspects of their lives.  The parts of their lives that stresses them out.  The parts of their lives that demand priority - even if I am not privy to those personal reason.  Or the result of some hurts in their past.  Much like it's good manners to not point out the ant hill, I need to not point out their flaws - even in my head.  Their ant hills are their responsibility.

[PeanutButter]

I made up a little song out of the tip from hhaw the other day to remind myself because im the same way. I have inner critic that likes to play at cop ,lawyer, judge, even god sometimes and point out all the injustices, wrongs, sins, and decide how they should be righted. Ugh! I got it honest but i want it GONE,

SO my jingle  :

   
LALALA
keep your head on your feet
And
out of other people's minds
Lalala
Keep your head on your feet
And
Out of other people's minds 

[vijaykumari]

I get caught up in this thought process and it starts to feel like a loop-I'm not sure why but for me it seems like I'm asking the wrong questions.  There have been times when I have felt like I"m on a carousel, and nothing changes until I literally get off that carousel-in other words I look at everything completely differently.  Honestly right now I can't articulate it except to say it came to me when I was reading something about eastern philosophy and some of the concepts of buddhist thought.  It had to do with trying to stop the suffering that comes from things being as they are.  Whether or not I"m a bad person or people hate me or neglect me etc is not the point.  That's something I can't figure out with simple logic sometimes (because I have some delusions when I'm upset).  The point is that those thoughts make me suffer.

Another thing I learned from buddhist readings is the concept of generosity. I find that the only thing that helps me is focusing on someone else who really needs me.  It's hard now that my kids are grown but if I can find a way to connect with someone who right now needs me to do something, I snap out of my thought process.  Or I should say my rumination, because sometimes thinking helps-I'm talking about when thinking doesn't actually lead to any conclusion.

[Hopeful Spine]

LALALA

lol.  Thanks for the tip.  My husband and I should make a song up together.  We get really bad about judging his family and it's just not cool and not helpful. 

[PeanutButter]

Yep me and my H too. This morning driving to work I had to 'sing' several times as our conversation went that way. Its a very ingrained pattern for me. Untill recently I didnt even recognise it. Its difficult to be peaceful of mind and joyful of spirit while doing that.

[Hopeful Spine]

Another thing I learned from buddhist readings is the concept of generosity. I find that the only thing that helps me is focusing on someone else who really needs me.  It's hard now that my kids are grown but if I can find a way to connect with someone who right now needs me to do something, I snap out of my thought process.  Or I should say my rumination, because sometimes thinking helps-I'm talking about when thinking doesn't actually lead to any conclusion.

Thanks for sharing all this.  I have a friend who practices Buddha and he's the calmest person ever.  His wife who practices nothing is the kindest person I know.  I truly admire how truly kind she is. 

The idea of focusing on someone who is in need seems like a good solution - however that is what got me into this situation.  I tend to go "all in" and do for others to a level that puts me on a different path of being too closely attached to that person.  Burnout and resentment usually follows.  I'm finding the desire to just strip away all relationships and start over.  But when I strip away these distractions I'm seeing my faults more clearly.  I want to do better.

[Hopeful Spine]

Yep me and my H too. This morning driving to work I had to 'sing' several times as our conversation went that way. Its a very ingrained pattern for me. Untill recently I didnt even recognise it. Its difficult to be peaceful of mind and joyful of spirit while doing that.

I literally was just speaking to a person and I FORCED myself to stop.  I knew when the words were coming out that I didn't need to say them.  But I said them.  And then I stopped without saying everything that I wanted.  Progress.

[Hopeful Spine]

I posted this in another thread today and the realization of it all has really upset me today.

Much of what you wrote makes sense to me.  Except for this part.  My mother has always been very negative about people who are attractive or outgoing.  She'd make comments about how "fake" or "stuck up" they were.  I could never really enjoy my favorite aunt because my mom was always saying awful things about her.  Her crime - she was fussy about her appearance and she always did special things when she hosted (like using a fancy tablecloth or making a special lemonade).  When I see a confident, attractive person I admire them, long for them in my life, but do not consider them to be people I should be friends with.

Many of my "friends" are people who are "damaged" somehow.  In a more obvious way than I am damaged.  People who have a disability, are exceptionally unattractive, very poor, mental issues, much younger or much older, come from rough backgrounds.  I also befriend people who are not "damaged" but maybe are of a different race or sexual orientation (such as, "Remember my friend Betty.  You know her, she's a lesbian").

Now, being friends with anyone is great, if I really saw them for their good qualities.  And I do.  I'm F-ed up but not a total monster.  I truly care about people.  But, coming Out of the FOG, I'm realizing that I don't have much in common with them and even worse I behave differently when I am around each of them.  When I'm being honest with myself I admit that these relationships began because I have a big heart but ultimately, I'm using them to make myself feel better somehow.

To be fair, most of them "use" me as much as I "use" them.  It's messed up and unhealthy all the way around.    But opposite of you I tend to avoid people who are exciting, interesting and seemingly "normal".  What could I possibly offer to these vapid people who can see right through me, right?

I'm not proud typing any of that but it's something I need to sort out to be a genuinely real person to others and to myself.  Because you know what?  I like a fancy tablecloth.  I like chatting about silly things like cute shoes and pretty curtains.  Or Jesus.  I'd love to get a pedicure with someone.  Or trade healthy recipes.  Or volunteer with and be of true service to others.  But I don't feel worthy of those good and positive things about life.  I don't want to be fake or stuck up.  So I find people with real problems and I consider that being with "unfortunate" people is a better use of my time.

As I slowly grow more sad.  Wow!  Some days I wonder why anyone likes me.

OMG.  No wonder I felt so disappointed with all the people in my life after my surgery.  The life I built (consciously and subconsciously) was a farce of my own doing.  I think back to all the things I FORCE myself to do.  Spending time with people I don't really connect with.  How many time had I made plans with certain "friends" and then dreaded the days until the meeting?  I'd attend the outing I'd planned and it would be an okay time and I'd think, "well, that wasn't so bad."  And then later, probably when "I" wanted the boost, I'd make plans again.  The cycle would repeat.  It's very rare for me to actually look forward to visits with friends.  I've done this for years.  YEARS!  And I never had a clue I was doing the wrong thing.  I simple expected that most people operated the way I did, more or less.  I really did look at some people and thought they were being fake when they seemed to really enjoyed their family, friends and life.  Nope, they probably have made good choices and really do enjoy their life.

I'm just . . . at a loss for how to change this.  How to feel better after learning I've been f-ing up for years.  How to properly express gratitude to God for protecting me all this time.  The choices I've been making could have put me in FAR worse situations. 

Here's the thing.  I've always downplayed my life.  It was easier to be around my "less fortunate" friends when my business was good but not too good.  It was easier to make my mom happy when I dressed nice - but not too nice.  It was easier to dish on my in-law drama to commisterate with others who had damaged relationships as well. 

Right now my business is tanking while my husbands thrives and I feel like a failure.  My in-law situation had become actually problematic and not just pumped up drama.  I've lost my church footing and truly at a loss.  My health is questionable and not just a flipant, "oh I hear you on the health problems - I need to get checked out too".  I have no one to confide in and I'm blessed beyond measure that I have my husband.

I hid my success for so long, assured in the knowledge that I had everything on track and I was only humbly hiding it all.  And now it's all crumbling and I'm about to be as unfortunate as everyone else in my circles of friends.  I'm scared.

I know it's not too late and I have TONS of positive things in my life.  But I don't know what to do with all the bitterness and resentment that I'm feeling about my own actions. 

For instance, a friend with health issues and great weight issue.  I do love her.  She's been a friend forever and we have things in common.  But I'm sick of myself acting like I have bad health problems too.  I'm sick of wearing frumpy clothes to not "show off" my nice figure around her.  I'm sick of holding my tongue when she talks of these fatty and unhealthy recipes and in fact sharing unhealthy recipes myself.  Or planning outings that I think will make her feel more comfortable.  Or feeling sorry for her that she carries so much weight. 

But here's the thing - She's not making me do those things.  She's not throwing a pity party for herself or anything.  I'm doing all this stuff on my own.  WHY!?  Why can't I just be myself and let her decide to like me or take a break from me.  Why do I purposefully decide that she needs me to do this and then go ahead and make up the rules?  Any why do I have similar but different rules for all the people in my life?

When I visit my mother I will not wear anything remotely low cut.  Like not even a basic V-neck tee shirt.  I don't wear high heels around her.  Or flip flops actually.  When I get into the car to go to her house I deliberately wipe off lipstick and muss my hair up a bit.  I give my husband a short list of things that i prefer he not talk about in front of her.  The visit is just nicer when I do these things.

When I go out with another friend I think ahead of all the self deprecating stories I want to share.  I know she will like that and it usually starts our visit off on a nice note.  I could go on and on with the things I do for others.  I guess I'm not really doing it for them though.  Seems like I've been doing it for myself.

Today I'm astounded by the lengths I have gone through,
in order to be accepted by people,
who I have actually been drawn to because I felt they were beneath me a bit. 

Most people play up to more fabulous people and do things like wear flashy clothes or talk about success.
But I've actively downplay myself for others? 

If I'm going to change myself to be accepted by people - why didn't I opt to improve myself and go with people I actually admire?  Why do I work so damn hard to be "less than" to people I don't really respect or enjoy?  Like, I've put actual real EFFORT into being a lesser person.

That's the giant "F-up" that is going on in my head.

I've blown most of the day stewing over this.  I'm so disgusted with myself.  I know that I'm going to be okay and that I'm going to turn things around.  I'm not sure how but I will.  I've unloaded a lot of garbage today and I might even delete some of this.  I'm angry with myself.  But I WILL get on the right path.

[PeanutButter]

I have a question: how long have you realized you were doing this?

IMO and if im correct in this is a recent awareness that you've gained?; then this is great. We can't change what we dont acknowledge. Now that you know the motivations created within you, you can choose to change this inner narrative.

Following your thread as I have leads me to believe that you are doing some hard and painful digging into your internal world.
Ime that's how we find our long held uncouncious beliefs installed by our caregivers when we were very young that are motivating an inner narrative that produces our thoughts and emotions.

HHaw mentions staying curious about our inner selves while holding lots of compassion for and not judging ourselves.

I do want to recommend videos by Jerry Wise. His talks on ACOA have grown my understanding of myself, my trauma effects, and what to do to heal. Especially important is self differentiation.ime Coming from a dysfunctional foo where emotional intelligence was non existant I needed to learn about family systems, emotional fields, enmeshment, reactivity, self regulation, calmness etc.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLoYQTW09i3W2Au8vCe_fHZN281yqxYApO

Take good care. It will get better imo.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Hopeful,

THANK YOU!!!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I admire your courage and I think it would be sad if you should delete even a single word.
This is exactly what "working on us" entails. Introspection. Honesty. Vulnerability. Looking at our part in our relationships. Questioning our motives, values and goals. Making sometimes difficult adjustments to our actions when they do not align with our values.

I just want to give you so much support and so much admiration for discussing this. You are doing incredible things inside yourself. Just....
Heck yeah, Hopeful!!
Heck yeah!!



You are an inspiration.
You are going to rock this new life stage.
So inexpressibly glad you are here sharing your journey.

~BC

[Hopeful Spine]

I have a question: how long have you realized you were doing this?
-----
I do want to recommend videos by Jerry Wise. His talks on ACOA have grown my understanding of myself, my trauma effects, and what to do to heal. Especially important is self differentiation.ime Coming from a dysfunctional foo where emotional intelligence was non existant I needed to learn about family systems, emotional fields, enmeshment, reactivity, self regulation, calmness etc.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLoYQTW09i3W2Au8vCe_fHZN281yqxYApO

Take good care. It will get better imo.

Thanks for your kind words.  I know I've been this way for some time but I opted to believe that I was honestly helping and accepting of others.  Once my husband off-handedly said, "you have weird friends."  And I was defensive.  "No I don't.  They are good people.  They just have a few . . . quirks."  But over the years I've known.  When I didn't want to walk into a business event with a college because she was dressed wildly inappropriately - I told myself I was just putting a little distance between us so that we could both network as we wished.  Or another friend who was incredibly naive and considered everything (I mean everything) as a sign from God to be dissected and questioned.  I'm smile and nod enthusiastically and say "amen!" at all the right times.  And then later tell my husband all about it while rolling my eyes.  And then counter with "well, she's a total sweetheart."

I didn't enjoy or respect either of those situations but I kept going back for more.  I told myself that my friends weren't weird.  They were different.  More interesting than all those cookie cutter sort of people out there.  I prided myself on being very accepting.  Except I'm not.  I will admit it now.

I started to get real after a surgery last year.  I started valuing different things.  I started trying different things and I realized the feeling of true enjoyment.  The weight of all these relationships and various obligations made me realize how poorly I was running my life.  How life is too short as it is.  Do I really want to "endure" it or should I try to actually "enjoy" it.

Thank you for those video recommendations.  I listened to them in the background while I worked and took a few notes.  I am digging deep and I'm going to keep going.

[Hopeful Spine]

Hopeful,
THANK YOU!!!
~BC

Thank you for your enthusiastic words.  I'm not afraid to take ownership of these things.  That's probably why my self worth is so low.  I'm very honest with myself and accept blame easily.  But unfortunately, up until now, I haven't had the strength to do the right thing.  I'm ready now.  I plan to end 2020 in a much better place than when I started.  Putting this "out there" creates a level of accountability for me.  Thank you for taking the time to comment.