The need for validation

[Peace Lily]

I am now 2 years Out of the FOG and getting on with my life. I have quote a lot of friends I see socially but am not close to any them, which I think is because I am not good at sharing my feelings, opinions - I'm not very good at having feelings in the first place and with opinions I am not good at holding into them as I can always see the others point of view and am easily swayed!

So. The reason for my post is that, when I am with other people I sometimes get an overwhelming need to tell  my story. It can become an obsession and I will go over and over in my head how I am going to phrase it and when I'm going to get an opportunity. i recently spent 2 weeks staying with a group of new friends and lay awake at night fantasizing about. Thankfully, I don't often get the opportunity \ am not brave enough. When I do I worry what the other person now thinks and over analyse their reaction.

Does anyone else have this strong urge to share their pain? How do you deal with it? Will it subside with time?

[StayWithMe]

I used to be that way as well.  Certainly, the ability to discuss these matters in cyber space have lessened the need for IRL discussion.  I suppose it also helped that I read a few books on communication which were a big help in getting me to change my communication style.  Learning to say / disclose less about me.  Waiting for others to share information with me and so on.  One problem with disclosing a lot of info about yourself is that others then where your Achilles heal is.  That means just when you are looking for validation, someone will withhold it ...... for fun.

[Adrianna]

I struggle with this too. I know it's because growing up I didn't get my feelings validated or most times even acknowledged. I'm now trying to look inside for validation instead of from others. Let's be honest here though, the behaviors of the pd person can be so outrageous it's hard not to share the stories. I do find most people don't want to hear it though and look at the person telling the story (me) as the problem. It makes people uncomfortable because it's so awful. No one wants to believe that people could act that way towards other people. I also find the let it go advice to be unhelpful and hurtful because it implies I'm too sensitive. People dismiss emotional abuse because they don't understand it. I'm trying to keep it to myself from now on because although it feels good in the moment to vent about it, true validation ones from within.

[Amadahy]

You're not alone. Most of my friends are casual and things are light when we're together. Sometimes that feels very shallow when the depth of our experiences and pain still reside in our marrow. It has helped me immensely to find a great therapist who validates these feelings and offers unconditional support while also providing compelling questions and opportunities for growth and healing. I cried and cried our first session because finally someone heard me and believed me and was sorry for my pain. Perhaps you can seek similar?  You deserve to be validated!

[M0009803]

I am lucky in this regard because I have unloaded the whole story on my wife over the last few years.

It was immensely validating to tell someone who had seen the toxicity, and agreed with my view of it.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

You are not alone with feeling that way. I actually have not revealed details of my NPD family escapades to anyone, and mostly just say "things are complicated" and let it go at that. It is a choice I have made to keep the details of my family estrangement to myself, and I do not believe it has impeded my friendships. I tend to believe nobody can understand if they have not walked the same path, and I think putting that expectation on them might be overwhelming. So, I gave up on the thought that I could fully disclose things and be received with approval and warmth. Instead, I just enjoy connections with my friends that are based on who I am today. Anytime I experience their approval, I tend to still feel amazed. That is validation enough for me to know I am alright.

[MamaDryad]

This sounds very normal to me. It might be worth seeking out a meeting. I attend ACA because my uBPDM is also an alcoholic, but the meetings are for "Adult Children of Alcoholics *and Dysfunctional Families*," and there are people in my group whose parents didn't have a substance use disorder. A lot of the after effects are the same, and you'll find people there who understand.

[Ladymm]

I have also said my stories to my friends. I needed some validation and true support, but I see now that any of these people couldn't understand it. One even judged me and told me I should be thankful for my life. But I see many of my friends are not what I thought they were. I think I was the one starting most of the contact. I don't understand why they even chose to go around with me. As fast as I stopped being the one to reach for contact two of my friends disappeared in thin air. In addition to that in the same time, one of them got the job of her dreams and the other one a boyfriend. Before that I was good enough as it seems to listen to problems about shitty jobs for one and going around for the other, mainly with my car, and she never gave a cent for the fuel! In retrospective, I see I had no boundaries. Yes what I wanted in return was just them listening to me. For me it was never a problem listening to peoples problems. This is a human need. Online, in real life. But I cut it down too. The main reason is, that it is exhausting. And I keep it for the therapy and try to understand that my family is what it is, there is injustice and there is pain. But I think one should get validation. Not in the toxic sense, but in the sense of support. And one deserves friends like that. You can really show support just by listening if you cant relate so much to the situation. (Maybe its a bit contradictory what I wrote, but my point is that yes one needs friends who listens to them, even if he talks a lot about their problems, but I personally chose to talk about them in forums, to my therapist)

Now, I don't have almost any friends. I decided if I will start feeling lonely or something I will join some hobby or similiar. But as for now I feel good and liberated. All the friendships I had I was enmeshed. So dont need that no more. To say my problems?I will also be more careful. Theres tons of therapists, free and payable, and internet forums. All this is good also.

I am not a celebrity. Not an outstanding individual in the sense that you will gain some celebrity if they see me I am your friend. I am a truth loving person who hates to fake. And from now on I prefer to be alone than run after people just to have company. I want to make space in my life for new kinds of interactions.

[hibiscus]

Are you journalling?  Telling your story is an important part of recovery, but it's really to yourself that you're supposed to tell your story.  In other words, you have to have a coherent and detailed narrative of what you've been through.  The best way to do that is by writing it all in a journal that will never be shared with anyone. 

In my experience, trying to tell others about your story is inevitably going to be frustrating and unsatisfying, unless it's to a highly sympathetic SO who already knows a great deal about your situation, to someone else who has had a PD in their life, or to a trained therapist.  That's not to say that you should keep it a secret, but if you do choose to share, you will be least likely to get hurt if you do so from a place of confidence, not out of a desire for understanding or validation.  Most people are not familiar with PDs, are not deep thinkers, and are not capable of empathy.  As a general rule, most people are totally focused on themselves; when someone says something to them, they hear it as a comment on their own situation, and they respond accordingly.  You want to work on loving and respecting yourself until you get to a point where you are so confident and secure that if you choose to share something with someone and they don't understand you, you feel you've learned something about that person, not about yourself.