My mom's house got struck by lightning today

[TimetoHeal]

This is just bizarre to even type, but my mom's house was hit by lightening early this morning in a passing storm.     She's fine.  It could have been a lot worse.  The whole house could have burned down.  As it is, she has water damage in her bedroom and some electrical outlets and maybe her TV is fried.  Her mattress is a total loss.  So, of course, it is the end of the world. I checked on her, and it is a mess, but a plumber, water-damage mitigation team, and electrician were all already there within minutes cleaning things up.  Everything will be covered by homeowners.  She is fine.  She has two other bedrooms in her giant house she can sleep in.  She is not out on the streets.  Because she desperately needs a man to rescue and take care of her, she latched on to her insurance agent today and lamented how she can't get her internet to work, doesn't know how to buy a new bed, can't watch TV, etc.  (The first thing she said when I came over was how she missed watching TV  )He called me later frustrated, saying this isn't my responsibility, this is yours and your brother's responsibility.  I wanted to answer, actually it's my mother's responsibility, but didn't go there. He asked me, "Did you know how bad your mother has gotten?".  Um, yes, like I can do anything about it.  I could just feel all the judgement and guilt from the insurance man, the workers, the neighbors, etc., like why aren't I taking my mom in and taking care of her?  For one, I have no extra rooms or beds in my home, and lots of stairs she can't navigate.  She even had her walker out next to her when the workmen were there (she never uses her walker, and doesn't need it).  Her neighbors offered her their bathrooms while her water was off (it's back on now), and even a place to sleep if she needed it (she doesn't).  She had everyone bowing down offering her help and attention and she was lapping it up.

I know this was a crazy and frightening experience for her, but why does everything have to be the end of the world with her? Why do I always feel so guilty like I am not doing enough for her?  Why can nobody else around her see it? 

Sorry, I just had to vent in a place where I knew you all would get it.  To say it's been a crazy day is an understatement!   

[Defiantdaughter1]

How old is your mom? My grandma acted like that, but she didn't have a PD. She had a severe anxiety disorder. She wanted everyone to join her in her misery.

[TimetoHeal]

She is 77, and she does have severe anxiety and probably depression as well.  She won't seek treatment for it at all.  She has become reclusive and won't leave the house. 

[moglow]

Wow. I feel this with you, TimetoHeal. I kind of get the disruption to her "known" and it's agitating. But must there always be a meltdown drama? And the judgment from people who have not one clue - she doesn't WANT me there and I don't want to be there. I'm not responsible for how she chooses to live - she had options and made her decision. It's HERS. Let's just take care of what needs to be done and stop with the "you shoulds." And the forcing the nice man to step in and "fix" it for her, overlooking and disregarding everything you're doing? Familiar.

A major hurricane ran through/by mother's town several years back and of course it's the end of her world, omg it's so awful etc. I've been there and seen it - A falling tree took down the electrical connection to the house, damaged a window frame and a small portion of the roof but thankfully no actual leaks into the house itself. She never left it, it wasn't inhabitable, there was a tarp on the roof for a while just to protect until it was inspected, and like everyone else in town she didn't have power for several days. Oh and a small section of privacy fence came down. But noooooooooo. She rode that drama for years, she couldn't have company because she was embarrassed about a tarp on the roof. She lost NOTHING but you'd think her house was decimated.

Meanwhile she stopped cleaning her house "because of all the damage" so I would imagine by now it's nasty. It would be when you don't pick up and clean up after yourself, when you spill things and don't wipe it up right away etc. Let it dry in place then you'll really have a chore to clean anything. All the while expecting the dirt fairies to pop in and take care of it I guess. So it's overwhelming now. There are housekeeping services readily available nearby but no. *I'm* "supposed" to do that, if I were any kind of a daughter I already would have [quote per the one person I know talks to her other than my brother nearby].

The people nearby don't see it because of the superficial impression they put out there: frail, helpless little old ladies all alone and abandoned, their children do nothing etc. Those people have no clue what's been offered, pushed, forced only for us to have to deal with the resulting tantrums when it's not the way they want it. I won't like being helpless either but dammit she gave up DECADES ago, when she was younger than I am now! I'm TIRED of having to take care of everything plus hers on top. Thankfully I do have a brother who stepped in and drags her out when she has to go for checkups and the various doctors. Interestingly he never mentions me visiting or taking over or what he thinks I need to do for her. Either he heard me when I said I've served my time or she's made it clear how she feels about that idea. I suspect combination of both.

All that to say: I feel ya. You got this!!

[TimetoHeal]

Thanks, Mo!

Yeah, you do get it!  When you said, "She doesn't want me there, and I don't want to be there", BINGO!!  My mom actually texted my brother and I yesterday when it happened, but then said, "Don't call me or come over, because there's nothing you can do".  I should have listened to her.  Out of OBLIGATION and GUILT, I stopped by to see the damage, but there was barely even room for me there with all the workers and her minions doing her bidding.  She didn't need or want me.  I went and got her lunch, and she must have conveniently forgot that, because later that evening she said, "I haven't eaten all day".  Why, oh, why, do we bother?

And what you said about her giving up at such a young age...also BINGO!  My mom gave up when my dad died when they were only 60.  That's been 17 years now.  She could have done so much with that time.  Been active in her grandchildren's lives, volunteered, gone back to school, anything.  But no, she tried dating and remarrying early on, and when that didn't work out, she gave up and is just waiting to die.  It's pathetic really.  And now I"M close to 60 and can't imagine just sitting at home doing nothing! 

She seemed almost giddy today when I texted to check on her. Her neighbor bought her a brand new TV.  The plumber somehow has her number and called to check on her.    The poor insurance man is in "constant contact" I'm sure she's eating up all this male attention!  I can only imagine what they all are thinking of me and my brother, but you know what, who gives a rip?  LOL.  My brother tried calling her and saying he would be glad to help with her internet and online bed shopping since she won't leave the house to look for beds in person, and she blew him off.  She'd rather the insurance man do it, I guess. 

I'm done.

[moglow]

Just a thought on the giddy ... It may well be not one of those people has "called to check on her" but IF they called it was to ask pertinent questions or confirm details. With mine, she'll full out lie when nothing of the sort actually took place. Md simpers and flirts even with her doctors, any man in the vicinity is subjected to her wiles as if she's a preteen with a high school football star. Yeah, I think she's hard histrionic with that alphabet soup of PD she's cooked up. 

At any rate, yes, we gotta exercise those boundaries and let them be who they are. Guilt, I have none. Not anymore. No good deed goes unpunished with mine.

 

[TimetoHeal]

That's an interesting thought, moglow! I've  never even considered it might not be true.  But just like how I never brought her lunch yesterday (sigh), a lot of "untruths" seem to be told, now that I think of it.

Yes, she fits the definition of histrionic to a "T".  I had not heard of that one until more recently.  NPD gets more attention these days, and I think she could fit that as well, but histrionic is more appropriate.  Anyway, I know her diagnosis (or lack thereof) is much less important than how I choose to react or not react.  I'm proud of myself.  Today, other than a quick text to see how it was going, I did not rush over there to save her or to show everyone what a good daughter I am.  A small victory.