Wrote to my NPDm after 11months NC and it was insightful-back to NC in peace

[SeaSalt]

Its been almost a year since the start of my last NC. My NPDm kept trying to call once a month this time (she is blocked but i can see the call trial). First time I went NC she did not try to call for 2 years. This morning she tried twice, once of them being very early in the morning. I said to myself, maybe something happened. Maybe I should check how come she is trying, maybe this or that. I actually stupidly for a second really thought she maybe misses me  yeah no she definitely does not miss me. 

I wrote her and asked her to express herself before I block her again. As soon as she saw that I am still strong and determine, she was not anymore interested in chating. She wrote that she loves me too much and asked me to soften my heart  I wrote her that my heart is the way it is because of all she did and that i came back to the same fire that burned me so many times already too many times and that its enough. I wrote: even the biggest idiot would learn by now to stay away from the fire.
And she did not answer to that. She did not even read the msg for several hours. So much for her missing me. and loving me too much.

It actually feels really good now. I feel good now. Sometimes I think that I am too resentful, maybe too hard, she is my mother after all bla bla but now I see again that she truly could not care less. She did not talk to me in 11months, she has the opportunity now and she does not write anything. Impressive really.
A month ago I got promoted at my work and for a new position with very much bigger salary and I was so proud of myself and because I know that my mothers only value is money, I felt this urge to share this info with her so that I could hear her proud. Well now I opened a channel of communication for an afternoon and did not tell her anything since I see she really could not care less.

It was a good reminder that I am not too hard, that I am not cruel, that I am not weird. I am just acting proportionally to the chaos and insanity she created. I do not regret breaking NC. I actually now feel free to do this anytime I have doubts but feels strong enough to read her text. I give myself permission to unblock her for a few hours anytime I start to doubt myself, my NC and my choices.

Maybe my inner child will hopefully one day accept that there is no hope. She will never miss me, only her narc supply. She will never care for me, only for her reputation. I know it but my inner child tends to forget. It was a good reminder.

Did you ever do something like this? Broke NC for a few hours? How was it? did you regret it? Thank you for reading.

[SunnyMeadow]

You don't sound too hard to me. You sound very strong in my opinion. I was reading your post and thinking...damn, I need to be like SeaSalt 

I went NC after a bad (possibly life changing) zinger my mom threw at me. She knew this comment would have that affect too. I ended up breaking NC when she called me from someone else's phone months later. I thought this person was calling to tell me something about my mother. Nope, it was her. I talked to her, she cried and said I misunderstood, of course it was my fault. I fell back into a relationship with her and I do regret it. I wasn't as close with her after that but I regret sliding back into the same old enmeshed thing with her.

Seems like you see her very clearly and coming out of NC then going back to it is relatively easy for you to do. Since that's the case, I say good for you. I wasn't as strong but am working to get there.

[moglow]

Been there, done it. Right about the NC six month mark I thought I could quietly open that door, allow some contact again. We had a civil [read: completely impersonal] conversation for about 20min new years eve then Nope. Within weeks she pitched a tantrum over a butt dial of all things. I thought we settled that down, then days later a zinger [thx Sunny!] of a text, followed by a few more when I didn't immediately respond to her satisfaction. [She was still not getting my texts at the time, so assumed I wasn't responding.] Nothing, not one thing, had changed for her. Where I'd found strength and courage and compassion, she'd doubled down and sought more ugliness. But I hung on - and learned just how low she'd go. She wanted - demanded - a confrontation I finally provided, just doesn't have it in her to simply be pleasant, accept other people wherever they are.

It actually feels really good now. I feel good now. Sometimes I think that I am too resentful, maybe too hard, she is my mother after all bla bla but now I see again that she truly could not care less. She did not talk to me in 11months, she has the opportunity now and she does not write anything. Impressive really.

Same here. Six months silence and she never even asked, How are you? I noticed your address changed - do you like your new place? OH! You bought your own home finally??! How exciting for you! Nope. Bought my first home at 58 and she has no idea, wouldn't likely celebrate it for/with me if she did.

I actually now feel free to do this anytime I have doubts but feels strong enough to read her text. I give myself permission to unblock her for a few hours anytime I start to doubt myself, my NC and my choices.

Same. I doubt I'll need those reminders but you never know. We were raised to doubt ourselves and our choices, after all. It makes sense to me that we don't necessarily trust them even after all we've been through. My regret at this point is that this didn't all build up and hit the fan decades ago. I know I had to learn that lesson, but damn.


Traveling this with you, SeaSalt.

[donutmoonpanda]

She did not talk to me in 11months, she has the opportunity now and she does not write anything. Impressive really.

I have the same experience with crickets. It's as if with the terms of the relationship changed my mom just can't even have a relationship with me. It's like she's frozen. It's been NC for three months, but she's not blocked on anything. I just don't call her. I didn't return a voicemail three months ago and I've never heard from her again. Not on the phone, text, social media. I actually can't complain. It's just super weird. I considered LC but she kind of made it NC.

And yes a lot has happened to me too. A lot more will happen to us and they just don't have any interest in our lives.

She accidentally liked a photo on my IG last week, it was a picture of my friend's wedding from 6 years ago, she scrolled that far back. I wasn't even in the photo I saw the notification and immediately felt bad for her. I keep having to remind myself that she is not like me, so using my empathy is a waste. She's not feeling how I would feel in this situation. I'm projecting my feelings onto her, and she's not even emotionally mature enough to feel that. I have to stop using empathy with her. It's not helpful. She doesn't care.  She only wanted a relationship where she extracted things out of me and if she can't do that she has no use for me.

[SeaSalt]

She accidentally liked a photo on my IG last week, it was a picture of my friend's wedding from 6 years ago, she scrolled that far back. I wasn't even in the photo I saw the notification and immediately felt bad for her. I keep having to remind myself that she is not like me, so using my empathy is a waste. She's not feeling how I would feel in this situation. I'm projecting my feelings onto her, and she's not even emotionally mature enough to feel that. I have to stop using empathy with her. It's not helpful. She doesn't care.  She only wanted a relationship where she extracted things out of me and if she can't do that she has no use for me.

Are you sure Donut that she did not do that (liking on IG a photo of yours in which you are not) on purpose to try to upset? Its something my mother would easily do.
What you wrote about empathy was also an life changing thing for me. The moment I understood that my mother would never be able to feel the pain of abandonment the way I do, I felt so much better about my NC and the reason I can be so firm about my boundaries is because I have no doubts that she does not feel any emotion that we non PDs feel. 
You are right its the best to not use empathy. Not only because is useless but also because they can use it against us.

[SeaSalt]

You don't sound too hard to me. You sound very strong in my opinion. I was reading your post and thinking...damn, I need to be like SeaSalt 

I went NC after a bad (possibly life changing) zinger my mom threw at me. She knew this comment would have that affect too. I ended up breaking NC when she called me from someone else's phone months later. I thought this person was calling to tell me something about my mother. Nope, it was her. I talked to her, she cried and said I misunderstood, of course it was my fault. I fell back into a relationship with her and I do regret it. I wasn't as close with her after that but I regret sliding back into the same old enmeshed thing with her.

Seems like you see her very clearly and coming out of NC then going back to it is relatively easy for you to do. Since that's the case, I say good for you. I wasn't as strong but am working to get there.

Oh Sunny that so nice of you to say but it took me a long time to get here. I had several long NC periods. In between when she would hoover me in, she would make efforts and she was able to even stay 1 entire year civilised but never more than that. The come back of her true self was always very brutal. Strangely enough what pushed me to the edge of this relationship was not her drama and insanity (those I was used to) but the realisation that even her "nice" and "civilised" behaviour was hurtful to me. any kind of contact with her was hurtful and stopping my healing and my progress. My inner child and my body do not feel safe when in contact with her. Even if she is all nice and sugar coated my nervous system is in flight or fight or feeze mode if she is present in my life. So if I wanted to heal completely and I was determine to, it had to be away from her. So I did. And I am healing and every day stronger. One tool that has been life changing is psilocybin microdosing. I wish I had started earlier. It showed me what normality feels like. I makes me present in the moment. It makes enjoy every day. I can not recommend it enough. I think that it rewired my brain.

[SeaSalt]

Been there, done it. Right about the NC six month mark I thought I could quietly open that door, allow some contact again. We had a civil [read: completely impersonal] conversation for about 20min new years eve then Nope. Within weeks she pitched a tantrum over a butt dial of all things. I thought we settled that down, then days later a zinger [thx Sunny!] of a text, followed by a few more when I didn't immediately respond to her satisfaction. [She was still not getting my texts at the time, so assumed I wasn't responding.] Nothing, not one thing, had changed for her. Where I'd found strength and courage and compassion, she'd doubled down and sought more ugliness. But I hung on - and learned just how low she'd go. She wanted - demanded - a confrontation I finally provided, just doesn't have it in her to simply be pleasant, accept other people wherever they are.

It actually feels really good now. I feel good now. Sometimes I think that I am too resentful, maybe too hard, she is my mother after all bla bla but now I see again that she truly could not care less. She did not talk to me in 11months, she has the opportunity now and she does not write anything. Impressive really.

Same here. Six months silence and she never even asked, How are you? I noticed your address changed - do you like your new place? OH! You bought your own home finally??! How exciting for you! Nope. Bought my first home at 58 and she has no idea, wouldn't likely celebrate it for/with me if she did.

I actually now feel free to do this anytime I have doubts but feels strong enough to read her text. I give myself permission to unblock her for a few hours anytime I start to doubt myself, my NC and my choices.

Same. I doubt I'll need those reminders but you never know. We were raised to doubt ourselves and our choices, after all. It makes sense to me that we don't necessarily trust them even after all we've been through. My regret at this point is that this didn't all build up and hit the fan decades ago. I know I had to learn that lesson, but damn.


Traveling this with you, SeaSalt.

Moglow thank you so much with all my heart for writing this sentence. This community of beautiful souls like yours helps me so much. Knowing that others know exactly how it feels, keeps me sane.

I could not believe yesterday that stupidly somewhere there was inside of me a tiny hope that she magically started to have nostalgy for me. or that she cared about my life. Having a NPD parent its truly a gift you never stop  receiving.
Dont beat yourself up for not having done these decision and step you do now a decade ago. A decade ago was not the right time. Now it is. I truly believe that everything always happens for a reason and in a perfect timing.

[moglow]

I could not believe yesterday that stupidly somewhere there was inside of me a tiny hope that she magically started to have nostalgy for me. or that she cared about my life.

I don't think it's stupid at all! I mean, these are our parents we're talking about. There is a certain amount of expectation there, that we matter to them. Being reminded over and over that they can't see outside themselves, that it's not about us at all, is hard. I watch my youngest brother's family with flat out envy - THAT right there!! That's what a family should be! They're almost over-involved at times, but there's genuine interest there, celebrating the good stuff and commiserating the not so good. They are very tight and spend time together every week, have movie nights or cookouts etc, tag teaming looking after kids or dogs, etc.


Mine's only hints at nostalgia are each and every time the same few instances where she thinks she looked bad as a result of something we did. She'll work herself up into a tight knot over it all over again, things that happened literally 50ish years ago!! I've never had the courage to say specifically that I - and my brothers, as it turns out- have no good memories of her. No warm and funny, no "remember that time we ..." Nothing. I remember trying to avoid her, trying to not somehow set her off and never knowing what that might be. It was always somehow a double bind with her, if I did something I shouldn't have and if I didn't I should have known to do it [and in exactly the "right" way].

It's painful, no two ways about it. But stupid? Never.

[SeaSalt]

I could not believe yesterday that stupidly somewhere there was inside of me a tiny hope that she magically started to have nostalgy for me. or that she cared about my life.

I don't think it's stupid at all! I mean, these are our parents we're talking about. There is a certain amount of expectation there, that we matter to them. Being reminded over and over that they can't see outside themselves, that it's not about us at all, is hard. I watch my youngest brother's family with flat out envy - THAT right there!! That's what a family should be! They're almost over-involved at times, but there's genuine interest there, celebrating the good stuff and commiserating the not so good. They are very tight and spend time together every week, have movie nights or cookouts etc, tag teaming looking after kids or dogs, etc.


Mine's only hints at nostalgia are each and every time the same few instances where she thinks she looked bad as a result of something we did. She'll work herself up into a tight knot over it all over again, things that happened literally 50ish years ago!! I've never had the courage to say specifically that I - and my brothers, as it turns out- have no good memories of her. No warm and funny, no "remember that time we ..." Nothing. I remember trying to avoid her, trying to not somehow set her off and never knowing what that might be. It was always somehow a double bind with her, if I did something I shouldn't have and if I didn't I should have known to do it [and in exactly the "right" way].

It's painful, no two ways about it. But stupid? Never.

Thank you Moglow. Its not stupid. Its natural. But eventually we will learn and our instincts will change I hope. So good to not feel alone in this. Thank you.

[donutmoonpanda]

Oh yeah, SeasSalt, it was "accidentally on purpose." Like everything she does.