Why Am I feeling Bad?

[Kat54]

Was texting my daughter last night because I saw a charge go through on my Amazon account for nasal spray. I figured it was her as she has allergies but i wanted to check. Her father took her to the ENT Dr and she has an ear infection, probably due to the allergies. Plus I saw another email for a swipe on my healthcare flexible spending card for the co-pay at the Dr. and it had been declined. I told her the account didn't work anymore because my company had to issue new cards.  She knew that and told her father, but he insisted on her trying to swipe for the co-pay anyway. Obviously he didn't want to pay it. I would have if they asked me for it.

For some reason it made me feel bad because I know he is probably starting to feel the strain financially of this divorce. He was ordered to pay some of my legal fees last week. 

I keep going over in my head what he's done.  He cut me off financially in December at the holidays by stopping his paycheck from going into our joint account. I had been using both our paychecks to pay all the house bills. So I was still contributing to the house even though I didn't live there.  He saw it as he was very kind to me by allowing me to take his cash, swipe for my food from his money, and pay my credit cards with his money. My pay went in there also but he seems to forget. My paycheck is considerably smaller than his, and then all our bills bounced into overdraft because he didn't put his pay in.

He ignored the original divorce papers that came in the mail stating I retained an attorney. So then I had to have him served. Then it took a year for him to submit his net worth statement.  His ignoring and stalling, I finally had to have a judge oversee the case, which meant going to court, and we still are if he doesn't sign the agreement.

And, I have been semi-homeless; it will be 2 years in October. I left so its my responsibility, but he's dragged it out unnecessarily.

He probably has a whole different narrative going on about what I have done to him.

I keep thinking why do I feel guilty about him paying $2,000 of my legal fees?  Why can't I put myself first all the way yet?  He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me for so long. His making me feel worthless, has made me feel worthless to myself and I don't deserve better. But I know I do deserve better, that's why I left.  Am I not Out of the FOG all the way yet? 

[notrightinthehead]

Maybe you are a kind and generous person. Maybe you felt like you deserved to be treated like that for a long time. Maybe you are so used to being treated like you are less than, that you don't even notice anymore.
Whatever the reason, you are starting to notice how skewed the arrangement is. You are beginning to stand up for yourself. Every day you are going to get a little stronger and a little further away from the abuse.

[Arkhangelsk]

NotRight nailed it.

If you are a big-hearted empath dealing with someone who does not have the capacity to feel generous and fair-minded - this is all just so confusing. 

Journal about this.  It helps a lot to write things down.  Heck, draw a line down a pad of paper and one side is for things you have to do be fair and kind about the separation and the other side is for him.  Compare the lists you end up with.  I bet you have been well more than fair and generous and have not received this much in return.

[Kat54]

Thank you Arkhangelsk, I did make a list. I have been generous and as kind as I can be under the circumstances. I could of kicked him out of the house and made him leave, or force him to sell the house.  I left as he said he had nowhere to go, and I kept the price of the house on the lower side from the appraisal so he could buy it.  His column was pretty empty, in fact I couldn't think of a nice thing he's done except maybe when we were away for the weekend at our daughters college graduation he bought me a drink when we were out.

Writing in a journal does help and I have started doing that regularly again.

[Arkhangelsk]

Kat,

I am so sorry that you are doing all these generous things and getting nothing in return.  I feel you.  In fact, I did some of those things.  I kept my ex's house mortgage in my name, by agreement, for 5 years so he could have time to build himself up to refinance.  The period is about to end and there is no sign that he will do his part.  So the thanks I get for that kindness is the chance to pay to take him to court to force the refi or sale.  I fully expect he will tell our children that their mother is throwing them all out onto the street. 

Eventually, enough went down and I completed enough trauma therapy that I stopped internalizing guilt for not doing "enough."  I hope you get there too.