Relationship Red Flags (please help me build a list)

[Janeite V]

The phrase "you only think/feel that because..."

They threaten you as a "joke" and it tends to escalate over time as they try to desensitise you. Holding a knife to your throat and then saying it was just a joke, "joking" about ways they would brutally murder you.  And then progressing to things like throwing things at you and only just missing, standing right in your physical space to intimidate you, pinning you down when you try to leave the room.

They threaten suicide as a means of control (of course we should always take suicide threats seriously).

They disrupt your activities in subtle and not so subtle ways so you're left feeling guilty or embarrassed by them. If you're studying they will disrupt your study area and put down your area of study. If you're exercising they will make it uncomfortably hot in the room. If you're reading they will turn off the light or close the curtain on you. If you have a favourite area to sit in they will put their things on it. If you're sleeping they will continually wake you up. If those things don't work they might invent a crisis so you have to drop everything you are doing for them.

When you explain that something hurts you, they keep doing it or do it even worse, and they'll never forget the ammunition you gave them no matter how much grey rock you do later.

They are completely unsafe when driving, whether it is you or them at the steering wheel. When they're driving they will go very fast to scare or punish you, nearly running people over (sometimes succeeding) and breaking the road rules. When you are driving they will be a dangerous distraction, telling you to "go" when there is someone there you might crash into or run over.

SERIOUSLY!! Are we all with the same person??
Do they have a playbook I'm not aware of??
It's almost creepy!!

It's so validating, isn't it? But extremely creepy indeed. It's really bringing back a lot of memories from my FOO.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Shyturtle!

Yay, this is a great list!! 😊

-Always acts the victim (you can feel yourself going into 'caregiver' mode) but oddly unconcerned with, or minimises your problems (or uses them to control)
- reacts badly to boundary requests (bright red flag and a good 'test' early on)
- brutally bad mouths others (they will do it you too)
- interpersonally exploitative, admits to ripping people off, using people
- pushy, interrogative
- charming at first, but starts to become critical and withdraw affection
- you go away feeling 'less than'
- quick to point out your flaws/short comings
- someone mentions this - but your intuition says something is 'off' - you might have a sickly,giddy, addictive feeling around them, or feel a vague aversion, but something just doesn't seem right. Never a gentle, calm, safe feeling
- you can't eat properly around them
- you find yourself doing all the (or most of the) chores, travelling/heavy lifting
- you find yourself minimising bad behavior e.g. 'he/she's good underneath'
- you feel judged or that you need to be careful / walk on egg shells to stay in the good books...

Anyway, here are some for now 😊👍

[Boat Babe]

Their Exes are all evil, manipulative, cold hearted, sexually incontinent and worse! They have been horribly abused by their exes. You, however, are different.......

Yup fell for that one!  Current nonbf is good friends with two of his exes. So healthy!

[Sapling]

-Giving the silent treatment in response to feedback about how their behavior makes you feel (or giving the silent treatment ever)
-Talking endlessly about a grand future with you (but unable to do the little things they said they'd do)
-No long-term friendships to speak of (lots of broken relationships in their wake; none of which they claim as their fault)
-Hypersensitive to criticism
-Withdrawal of affection as a response to conflict
-Vanity and obsession with personal grooming that is not age appropriate
-Cannot tell the difference between being held accountable and being hurt
-Have a long string of complaints about their ex as if they hadn't processed any of it at all until they met you

[blunk]

No winning, EVER. Countering, maybe. Defensive moves, certainly. Offensive moves, dangerous!
Like a chess game you'll never win, just maybe stalemate or get up and flip the damn board. Done with you.

I laughed at the chess game...except in reality it is the pd who would likely have a temper tantrum and flip the board.

Overreacting about illnesses.
Complaining constantly about being hard done to, at home, at work.
Doesnt seem to be supportive to you on your achievements.
Puts himself down to garner compliments.
Always falling out with someone.
Often in trouble or disputes at work.
Bumps himself up with 'so and so said I'm the best at my job' and other things similar....also garnering for compliments.
Keeps saying 'I've always been insecure due to being hurt in the past.
Rigid with routine times for chores, texting times, dog walks etc.
Replaces things and 'beloved' pets immediately after their demise....no time for grieving.
Forgets the little  important things they once thought were cute about you.
Take from you quite easily, gifts, money, favours but any in return are usually for their own bolster or a peace offering.

Dollydrops, yes, all of this! It's honestly creepy how many of us describe the exact same behaviors from the pds in our lives. If we weren't from all over the world, I might think some of us were talking about the exact same person.

[JollyJazz]

I laughed at the chess game...except in reality it is the pd who would likely have a temper tantrum and flip the board.

Apparently my mother did exactly this - threw a tantrum and flipped the board over when she was losing to my father at chess... definitely a red flag! Lol 😂

[sevenyears]

Here's one:

Blaming you for his/her behavior - even if it is something minor.

I was sitting on the floor to help DS2 (then) put on his shoes. UNOCPD then H walked out the door, stepping on my fingers on the way. When I said "ouch, that hurts," instead of saying I'm sorry or excuse me, he got angry at me for getting in his way.

This kind of stuff happened all the time. Even though we're divorced, he still blames me for his behavior. He does this to the children too, especially DD.

[Stillirise]

 

I have so many examples of this. I wish I'd paid more attention to it early-on.  One that still stands out...When the children were babies, I would sometimes be frustrated when getting dressed for work, because my clothes didn't fit right.  If I dared express my frustration within earshot of him, I was blamed for ruining his day, by starting it off so negatively. He could then use that for his reason to sulk, huff, and bully all day long.

[IcedCoffee]

An impressive and useful list!

I would add "Anything that hints at a different reality inside their head":

1. Non sequiturs (for a while they thought you were in their reality!)
2. Inappropriate behavior (too angry, mood swings, prioritizing themselves when someone else is ill or in trouble, missing social cues,...)
3. Zelig-like behavior (taking on characteristics of people they are close to, such as political opinions)
4. Splitting (one day someone is the best thing since sliced bread, the next they are worse than Hitler, and back)

Of course, these could also be innocent, but once bitten...

Some of these take time to reveal themselves (3 and 4) but others (1 and 2) can be quick. Very important if you are thinking of embarking on a relationship!

[Dodo]

never being able to make long term plans
always late but does not tolerate in anyone else
circular arguments that can go forever
mirror what I say back to me (e.g. I say my god you are black and white person) then he'll go on about me being like that
he did tell me his life story on the first date
calls people a thing when he disapproves of them
opinionated even when it's not asked for, always saying I have a right to my opinion
black and white thinking is the biggest trail that I can't have the hardest time dealing with
thinks his morals are better that everyone elses

I could go on

OMG

[Associate of Daniel]

Ooo, boy.  These lists are bringing back many memories, and the feelings that went with them.

Yes, to so many of them.

The dangerous driving.

The demanding I do xyz in abc way, despite me having successfully done it in another way for years.

The lack of punctuality.

The lack of support for my hobbies, studies and interests.

The blaming me for his behaviour.

The circular conversations.

The taking of offence at absolutely nothing.

The disproportionate anger.

The silent treatment.

The changing of his mind on decisions previously made that he didn't tell me of.

Yeah. That's enough. The feels aren't great at this point.

AOD

[stormbrewing]

Steamrolling. You can politely say no thank you, no, not right now, and be completely ignored. As soon as you become more emphatic they react with disproportionate anger and insist that they are just trying to do something nice for you and you're biting their head off.

[SparkStillLit]

Yes. Very much that.
Reframing any differing opinion on your part as a personal attack.
If you make any objection to bad behavior, then they are "horrible people" or they are "oppressing you" or some other equally disproportionately dramatic response.

[Hepatica]

*I can't get enough of you
*Then disappearing
*Then using pity plays and talking about strange illnesses
*Flattery bombardment
*Offering to help you and then saying they can't do it
*Inconsistency

[brokenwing]

Hi everyone.  I find this thread very helpful.  My list is:

YES! Walking ahead of me stiffly and angrily because he "caught" me staring at another man in the store.

Constant suspicion of me.  I was always accused of cheating or being unfaithful.

Chronic accusations of me staring at other men when I am with him.  first it was our neighbor across the street because that was the only open blind.  Then it was a man in the grocery store.  Then it was a man at my son's freshman parents weekend at college where we were learning about his curriculum.  Then it was a man in a lutheran church for his nephew's confirmation.  Then it was a man in Costco.  Then it was at a restaurant when we were meeting friends.  I could literally go on forever.  You would think that I absolutely have no self control. 

Demands 100 % honesty in all things, but is the most deceitful human being I have ever met.  Vile, hateful recitations of my past (before I ever MET him)  and digging through the internet trying to find ugly things about me.  Graphic recounts of things that happened before I ever met him that I told him in his DEMAND for 100% HONESTY. 

rapid switch in mood that i can see in his eyes, body rigidity, etc...

Bad/scary driving.  He will drive very recklessly in the car if he is upset with me.  He refuses to wear a seatbelt

He refuses to wear masks, so he just won't go into stores or restaurants that require them.  He has tried to flout the rules numerous times and when someone calls him out on it he will be asked to leave.  It's so embarrassing

I'm sure there are hundreds more that I can think of... but these are off the top of my head

[ShyDi]

1. Very intense personality.
2. Persistent; doesn't give up until they get you to change your mind/agree with them/stay with them when you were ready to break up, etc.
3. Calls repeatedly if you don't answer your phone. Calls all the phone numbers they have for you, repeatedly.
4. Texts with seemingly innocent questions about where you are, what your plans for the day are, when you'll be home, etc.
5. Makes up emergencies to get you to call them back.
6. Serial cheating, with no remorse.
7. You catch them in lies, but they always have an excuse.
8. You feel uncomfortable around them periodically because their behavior is strange, or they don't understand/respect your boundaries.
9. You feel relief when they tell you they will be out of town for some time, and sick when they come back and contact you. The period when they were gone makes you realize how much you want to be out of the relationship.

[Hazy111]

All of the above and basically "Trust your gut".

If  a certain behavior doesnt feel right, it isnt.  Thats your subconscious telling your conscious, "Weve been here before and it doesnt end well".

Ohh and i might just add, daydreaming. Seems harmless, tuning out when your talking, looking into the distance. Its not that your boring, this is generally a sign of disassociation and an abused person. 

Ohh and BTW!  i would also like to add from a male point of view , when dating "Borderlines" ,  "looking at other men" was the norm.  One situation in a bar i came back from the toilet and theres three guys chatting to her by our table. I never even noticed. She then got all flustered and demanded we leave.

Or it was  "Can we leave, A guy over there keeps looking at me". 

We never went to an old pub that i liked that served good beer. It was, looking back not full of guys looking at her , she really hated it.

Ha ha. Narcissistic supply is narc supply wherever you can get it!

[IcedCoffee]

Being accused of gaslighting!

I had this again last night (although TBH it's been a couple of months since last time I was accused of this). She lost control over something trivial. I asked for 10 minutes. I walked away, she followed, escalating. "You think that leaving me for 10 minutes will make me think I'm crazy, don't you? You're gaslighting again."

Anyway, I got my 10 minutes.

And she had forgotten about the argument! It's predictable.

About gaslighting, I did believe her for many years. I'm supposed to be intelligent. But she had me thinking I was gaslighting her. Really.

Ironic that accusing someone of gaslighting can be gaslighting!

[Simon]

Making up weird shizz about intimate details that CANNOT POSSIBLY be true?

Glad it wasn't just me.
Although talking shi* about exes is guaranteed with the disordered, I rarely see anyone talking about how weird their stories are.
My BPD ex told me stories about her exes that went back a year or two, or went back 20 years, and I won't repeat what she said they were like, but my God, so strange.

I remember saying to her once, as I was listening to yet another tall, weird tale about another ex, "Wow. You must be the unluckiest Woman in the World!".
And I meant it too, because I believed her at the time, because I was still deep in the fog.

As Ben Folds once sang "Treading the sea of a troubled mind, Had to leave myself behind"
So true Ben.

[Simon]

Jekyll & Hyde
Their mood swings are not only extreme, but they can appear instantly, and disappear just as quick.
Picture the scene: I'm ready for bed, and I sit on the sofa watching TV with her.
I've brushed my teeth, etc, and as I sit down, she gives me a big kiss on the lips, jumps up and says excitedly "Won't be long!".
Couple of minutes later, as I'm watching whatever was on, I see her in the corner of my eye stood in the doorway.
I look at her and smile, and as I do, I notice she's glaring at me. Really glaring!

I ask her what's wrong, and she just says "Are you coming to bed!" in a really abrupt and nasty way.
I ask what's wrong, and she just glares at me again, and walks up the stairs.
A couple of minutes later, I go up, she's in bed, reading some fashion magazine, she looks up at me, smiles and says something like "Everything OK?" and pulls the blanket back for me to get in!.
No way of knowing if she really doesn't remember what happened (which is possible with PDs), or whether she was getting some sadistic kick out of it or trying to drive me insane, all of which are also possible.

Leaving you for friends and strangers
This one I think is designed for testing how far they can push your boundaries.
We went out for a drink, the bar was half empty, and we were sat down chatting.
A few people she knew came in, and after a few minutes, she went over to have a chat with them.
If it was a few of my friends that had arrived, I would have done the same, with the difference being that I would have then either told them I was with my girlfriend and would see them later, or ask them to join us and have a good natter.

Of course, she didn't.
5 minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes, it was at this point that I'd done all the checking of Emails on my phone that I could do to pass the time, and went and sat at the bar and got myself another drink.
I could see our jackets from where I was sat, so they weren't going to be pinched, and asked the barman if he could put a sports channel on the TV for me.
I was hoping for snooker or football, and he found a live football match from the Italian league.
Perfect.

I got comfortable, watched the match for a while, chatted to the barman and the barmaid about stuff as we watched it, and before I knew it, there was this thunderous but silent presence stood to the side of me.
Yes, not only was I not reacting to her disrespecting me like she did by leaving me sat there all that time, but I was actually enjoying myself watching football, drinking a beer, and chatting to people.
I turned and looked at her and smiled.
"You alright Love? Your friends good?"
You can guess the rest.
I'm quite proud that I didn't bite, and moan about being left like that.
The truth is, I managed very well on this planet before I met her, and I'm quite comfortable without her, and it was incidents like this that made me see the light.

Toxic, Toxic, Toxic!!!
We all know how they like chaos and drama, but my ex was an expert at talking really nasty **** about people.
These people were her friends, work colleagues, and even family, and none of them were safe from her venom when it was just me and her behind closed doors.
There was nothing that she wouldn't say or accuse these people of, and some nights when I got in from work, she'd spent all day waiting to tell me how ???? had upset them or looked at them wrong, and would just go to town on how crappy they were, etc.
Just what you need when you've been working all day!
The guy she's with now was no exception.
"Mummy's Boy" was what she used to call him regularly behind his back (I never asked why. Don't know him really, but he does seem to have a good relationship with his mother, and my ex really hates her Mother, so...)

I've occasionally put up with a toxic person or two in my life, but never been out with one before, and another blessing about having been in this awful and weird relationship is that I now no longer allow toxic or negative people into my life, and what a difference it makes.
It's incredible.
One Psychotherapist's book (I forget which one and by who) was talking about Narcissists, and got onto the subject of Borderlines, and he said something like "Well, Borderlines are just so exhausting...and....well, so demanding, and so....boring really."   
Spot on!