Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?

[Pinky]

I think I fake or try to act like I love my PDh . And I have said sorry when I wasn't to keep peace and avoid the abuse. In turn I feel like I'm in a blackhole and have lost part of me. I have been trying to detach and focus on me and accepting that Im not gonna be able to have the life I want or relationship I want right now with this person. It's very hard detaching and when I do I am told I'm pulling away and not working on the marriage. I try to explain that I can only take so much pain, but it's not registered and there is no empathy. I don't think it's good for me to not be true to myself.

[SquarePegs80]

Geez guys I really feel for what you are all going through. I have not had sexual relation with PD husband for about going on 4 years, there has been kisses, hand holding, hugging and such but I can not bring myself to being intimate with him like that because of his lack of true intimacy with me in our communication. I have been married for going on 32 years and have been Out of the FOG for almost 4 years. I sleep in a separate bedroom and have decided to make it official sleeping separate from him because frankly I need my sleep and it is the best time to regain my sanity. No young children at home but a 27 year old son still lives at home and sees his PD father act out from time to time which I wish he would move out because he has suffered enough watching his dad suffer through his PD. The thought of a sexual act with my husband makes me ill, I just can't be with someone who is faking his distorted love for me and expecting me to like it. At the moment he knows I am emotionally, physically, spiritually seperated while working on myself which may look like me putting more things into place to help myself eventually move out because he has made it clear to me he will not. This is typical behavior from him because he is terrified to be alone. I made it clear that his emotions are his own and that I will not be carrying them for him anymore via gaslighting, blame game, pity party, generally just coming unglued. I do not like the fact that he tries to manipulate me into being a prisioner in what was supposed to be our marital home where we both should be safe, I know he is not my soft place to land and I am building myself up day by day to be that for myself. I would suggest if your marriage is young or in my case an older one that you not forget the pain they put us through and also know that when they age they don't change. My husband is 60 and he has gotten better but the incidences still happen and I heard they get worse with age. Well I chatted enough just praying for us all that we see the light more and more and never give up on ourselves having a better life. 

[Stillirise]

I've been watching this thread, not sure if I was ready to respond.  I did exactly this for many years.  The trying to appease, pretending things were great, doing all the things a loving wife does, putting on the sunny face, all while telling myself that it isn't anyone else's responsibility to make me happy. Happiness comes from within, was (and still is) one of my mantras. 

Thanks in part to this forum, I finally realized trying to pretend I was happy, while my soul was actually being suffocated, was the exact opposite of the intent of my mantra.  Happiness cannot come from within, if you are not being true to yourself.  Also, with a PD, they seem unable to tap into this either.  So, all that effort that goes into keeping the peace and "making them happy," is futile.

Basically, I can't make both of us happy, no matter what I do, so I might as well work on me.  I was recently validated in this by my uPDh, when he said I hadn't ever really tried to make things work, and I've not been grateful enough.   

I'm relatively new here, but have been in these trenches for a couple decades.  I've recently found some peace for myself in detachment and MC.  I'm following the course from here, and letting the chips fall where they may.  He isn't enjoying it, but his happiness is now up to him. I mean, if I couldn't make him happy in 20 years, maybe he should give it a try.

None of this is easy.  I'm grateful for the wisdom and the support here, and for the knowledge that I'm not the only person who has been torn down by a PD...and yet, Still I Rise.