I suspect my boyfriend has PPD - need advice please

[Nancy26]

Hi, I stumbled across your website at about 3am the other morning, while desperately looking for some advice/help regarding my partner. I feel mentally exhausted and I'm not sure what to do to help either him or myself.

We met almost two years ago (via a dating website) and I was initially completely besotted with him. There were warning signs very early on of his jealousy and sometimes I found him to be exceptionally quiet - in hindsight I think he had withdrawn from me during these periods. He explained early on he has a very strong 'defence mechanism' and will put up walls and walk away to protect himself.

I have read about boundaries and realise I have none in place! I feel I am constantly giving to him, in terms of love, reassurance and my commitment to him. He is desperately insecure. I've literally blocked any male friends/contacts on my phone (apart from my brother) because if he happens to see a message flash on my phone from another man, he is suspicious and has verbalised this. He has nothing to worry about - I've reassured him of this many times. I realise I filter what I tell him, not that I would lie to him, but I avoid telling him anything that I know he would question or react badly to. Regardless of this, his mood has suddenly and dramatically changed sometimes and I'm never sure if it's been something I've said. I feel tense if I have to tell him I've arranged to do anything other than spend time with him, and I avoid making as many social plans as I probably would normally do. I know in my gut none of this is right but it's just sort of become the way I have to be in order to keep him.

He has shown lots of kindness in practical and helpful things he's done for me. He is always willing to spend time with me. He doesn't have any close friends. But he gives me very little in terms of making me feel loved - he never pays me any compliments, despite me showering them on him to help make him feel loved. If I say 'I love you', he often says 'love you too', but he's never said it first and it took him over 12 months to tell me he loved me.

He is very suspicious and critical of other people. I am aware he often makes little comments to put my family and friends down and he thinks my adult daughters use me. He can be very discouraging. He says things that are hurtful but then laughs, as if that softens it and makes it ok. He makes me feel I have to try so hard to gain any praise from him.

To cut a long story short, his behaviour has become really odd recently. He invented a bizarre story which I found very confusing/upsetting and then said it was my fault for not making myself clear. His mood changed abruptly one eve and he asked me to leave and drive back to my house late at night - he has since said he doesn't know why. Then the other day he sent some random emojis to my mum when I left him in the kitchen with my phone on the side - I had just sent a text to my mum and walked into the next room so my phone was not locked - he completely denied doing it and said 'don't blame me for your phone being weird'!

I really don't know what to do. I suspect a lot of people reading this would think just get out of the relationship now. It would be easy - I have my own house and we have nothing to tie us together. I really think he needs some professional help but I don't know whether I should suggest that or not. I don't think he would ever hurt me physically, I think he does love me and I don't think he's aware how mentally draining his moods are. I want to help him. I do love him although I know this whole post is negative but he does show kindness and I know he does love me. If I walked away I think his mental state would deteriorate. Please help if you have any advice.

[Starboard Song]

There were warning signs very early on of his jealousy.

I realise I filter what I tell him.

I feel tense if I have to tell him I've arranged to do anything other than spend time with him.

I avoid making as many social plans as I probably would normally do.

I know in my gut none of this is right but it's just sort of become the way I have to be in order to keep him.

He gives me very little in terms of making me feel loved.

He is very suspicious and critical of other people.

I am aware he often makes little comments to put my family and friends down.

He can be very discouraging.

He says things that are hurtful but then laughs.

He makes me feel I have to try so hard to gain any praise from him.

These are not easy situations. We develop bonds with people, and then truly want the best for them. And we learn to see the good in them: we understand that in their own story nobody is a villain. They are doing the best they can.

I advise two things:

Begin to remake yourself as you were, with lots of social plans, with male friends, and openly sharing your interests and interactions with your BF. Nothing good comes from clipping your lifestyle and nesting early with someone who manifestly struggles. It may take time to consider all the clipping you've done, and rebuild. If that male friend from work suggests going to a baseball game, and if you previously would have done that, you should do that. It is normal and healthy. And I believe you should unblocked all those folks on text and social media that you blocked for your BF's peace of mind. Having many loving friends of both sexes is normal and healthy.

None of the above is about leaving your BF, or staying. It is about taking care of you, and making yourself the person you can be proud of in another decade: a vibrant and independent person with many friends and interests. You owe yourself this self care which you have expressly denied yourself.

Second: boundaries. It is not for anyone who loves you to second guess you or criticize or hurt you because you got a text from "Michael" or a happy birthday message from "Kyle." When your BF acts out -- and unreasoned jealously and pouting is acting out -- you need to have decided for yourself what you will and will not do or engage with. That may mean kindly explaining: "Kyle is a friend of mine. I really like getting birthday messages from my friends." You deserve a BF who celebrates your many friendships.

And there it is: when you begin to care for yourself, and when you enforce reasonable boundaries in support of that self care, it is your BF's decision whether he endorses your self care or not. I hope he does. I hope you train him to better angels by demonstrating how real love works for healthy, vibrant people. There is a real chance that you help him tremendously in this way.

If he remains the weight he is today, and does not help but hinders your self care, please add that to your list of charges and consider that it will then be time to find someone who makes life better.

[Penny Lane]

Hi there and welcome! You've come to the right place to figure this stuff out.

Starboard Song has some excellent advice and I would echo what he says about boundaries. If you're not quite sure how to do it, I'd recommend the toolbox. It has a good section about boundaries and some other practical tips for interpersonal interactions.

I believe you that he loves you, I believe you that he shows you kindness, and I believe you that you when you say you love him although he can be hurtful. No one is all good or all bad, and there is a reason you fell in love with him.

I also believe you that he could use professional help. But you can't control whether or not he seeks help. If he won't go, maybe you could see a therapist if you don't already. The right person could really help you through setting appropriate boundaries and taking care of yourself. Once you're in a position where you're becoming your best self, that might help you find some answers within yourself.

[Nancy26]

Starboard and Penny Lane, thank you both SO much for your advice, which was so kindly written.  This website and the support it offers is incredible, I really can't thank you enough.  I felt strong and empowered to talk to him last night, in a gentle but firm way - to let him really know the impact his action(s) have on me.  It's extremely difficult to get him to talk, and I know his kneejerk reaction is to defend himself and walk away from any conflict, but he did really open up last night.  I know he's kind and loving and doesn't want to be alone, but I think he genuinely believes he's incapable of having a successful relationship because he can be so 'tricky and difficult' (to be fair to him, he did tell me he was tricky and difficult quite early on in our relationship) and finds it virtually impossible to trust people.  Anyway, last night he really opened up and broke down and told me something he says he's never told anyone else - I have promised not to tell anyone so I won't go into any details at all, but I hope it may help him to have talked to me.  I have told him I want to support him and I love him, but I can't help him on my own - he needs to do that himself and/or seek professional help.  I also said I am going to be more clear and tell him when his behaviour is unacceptable to me.  In short, for the first time, I feel I've taken control a little bit.  I couldn't have done that without the information I read here and without your supportive advice.  The situation is by no means solved, but I understand things more - it's as if a few more pieces of the complex jigsaw puzzle that he is have been found.  I am also going to prioritize some self-care - thank you Starboard for your advice on boundaries - you are absolutely right.  I'm not sure I've ever really had boundaries in place in any relationship - I have my own history of relationships with controlling/dominant males, including my father, so I guess I have my own issues here too!  I'm not going to sacrifice my happiness if this relationship continues to make me feel the way it has, but I do feel we turned a massive corner last night - especially for him, and I do love him and I do want to help him, but at least now I understand his issues are not my fault.  The 3 "C's" Rule is so helpful to repeat.  Thank you again so much and I will definitely stay active on here because I feel there is a long way to go, but this has been so invaluable to me.