They stalked our priest!

[mimzy]

I'm not surprised. Just angry. A few months ago, DH heard through the grapevine that my uBPDM and E F (we have been NC with them for the past 18 months) sought out the priest who married us. Mind you, they have no affiliation with the church he works at or have had any relationship with him since he married us. They saw him for a brief spell after he christened our daughter 4.5 years ago but that's it. DH reaches out to priest - Father Sam let's call him- a few weeks ago and says, "Hey, let's meet for lunch."  First thing out of Father Sam's mouth is "What's going on with your in-laws?" Apparently they bombarded Father Sam with a slew of phone calls and, when those went unanswered, proceeded to drive about an hour away from their home to his office and show up unannounced. They then spent two hours explaining how DH is completely to blame for this fallout and could Father Sam please be so kind as to intervene and ask DH to come to his senses and reconcile? Never mind the email I wrote them 18 months ago saying that in order to heal from childhood traumas i am going NC. Never mind that when my brother called up and asked why I am shunning them and I told him about the pages and pages of kept childhood journals detailing their verbal, psychological and, at times, physical abuse. Never mind! Nope, they  are completely flawless in this scenario. Father Sam saw through their BS... prayed with them... but was grateful for DH giving him a more specific picture that confirmed his suspicions. One more nail in the coffin, folks! One more sign from God that I was right to follow my intuition and go NC. So glad i changed the locks to our house - they had copies of original keys. So grateful. And, at the same time, I feel powerless. Powerless over my mothers UBNPD. Powerless over my father's insatiable and sick urge to satisfy her every whim. Even if it means driving 50 miles to show up unannounced  to a priest whom they really have no desire to get counseling from.  Or to get to know better. Rather, someone to scold DH as if he were a child (he's 49) and twist his arm to come crawling back into a sick, sick household.  I tell you, the more confidence and peace of mind I gain in this journey of going NC, the more I see it was and is the only solution for breaking the curse and raising a healthy family of my own. Father Sam did tell DH that he expected they will be coming back to his office. I'm currently pregnant with our second child - their second GC, the first is from us as well. My T suggested i allow my FOO to find out the big news organically, as opposed to us breaking NC to tell them. I'm sure someone has spilled the beans to them via social media. Father Sam warned DH that if they find out when and where the christening is for baby no 2 (TBD) they will likely crash it. DH said no way. My father is not THAT crazy. But, with my UBNPD mother, you never, never know. Anyways, hurray for NC. Unfortunately, it's the only option to preserve my sanity and dignity.

[Fiasco]

Hooray for NC, and hooray for experienced, rational and trustworthy priests! What a mind blowing move on their part. Good luck with NC and with your growing family.

[SerenityCat]

 

Hurray for NC! Hurray for an experienced knowledgeable priest.

Before the christening you can have some just in case plans ready. Father Sam is on your side and he can help.

[mimzy]

Hooray for NC, and hooray for experienced, rational and trustworthy priests! What a mind blowing move on their part. Good luck with NC and with your growing family.

Thank you, Fiasco! Mind blowing indeed.

[mimzy]

Hurray for NC! Hurray for an experienced knowledgeable priest.

Before the christening you can have some just in case plans ready. Father Sam is on your side and he can help.

Serenity cat, yes! Exactly!!

[Starboard Song]

The smear campaign, for me, was the greatest outrage. It so flew beyond the bounds of decency. And the language used in it had no correspondence with reality or any legitimate purpose they could have had.

I am glad that, like our situation, the audience for their smear saw through it, and you now know that yet another person is in your camp.

This may nonetheless be angrifying for a while. It has been three years, and I -- for too long -- let their smear campaign be a black cloud in my life. Take time to process this now -- fully process it -- and move on. I am so happy it came out well.

[JustKat]

My parents did this to my dentist (who had been the family dentist when I was young). My parents had moved away 20 years earlier but I had remained a patient. They called and played the victim in an attempt to get my phone number from him. Like your Father Sam, my dentist saw right through it. His nurse called me and gave me a head's up and assured me that my phone number and address were protected by doctor/patient confidentiality.

It's a low-down dirty thing for NC parents to do, but it does seem like truly wise people see through their BS. While they do manage to pull off the victim act with a lot of people, those who truly know you, know better. I'm so glad to hear that Father Sam has your back and believes you 100%.

And yes, hurray for NC ... best decision I ever made for my own physical and emotional well being.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Holy cow. That's outrageous and good job Fr. Sam!

My uNF tried a similar strategy to get our own priest to have us "come to Jesus" and "do the right thing" and get back in my SG role. He did it by letter, but the content is eerily similar. He is blameless, blame shame blame shame, what I did was so wrong, sanctimony sanctimony, pity me, I've done everything I possibly can and you're a man of God and it's your pastoral duty to get her back in line.

Father similarly saw through his BS, forwarded the letter to me for my records, and never responded.

It's evident that you and Fr. Sam are close, at least close enough to have a casual lunch. I think your interpretation and anger is very healthy. This is just adding one more layer and level to the abuse. Digging the grave of your relationship a little deeper. Even your spiritual life is fair game to them.

It also reinforces just how crazy they are. So there's that. It's awful though, no matter how many silver linings there may be.

[mimzy]

Thank you everyone for your support and clarity. Ever since learning the details of their escapade - I thought they just called Father Sam, not show up unannounced.... silly me - I have experience bouts of rage and fear. Why didn't anyone come to my rescue when I was a kid? Where were the elders to wrangle in my witch of a mother? Oh, that's right.. those very same elders raised my mother and that's what she passed down to me: scapegoating, adults getting their needs met via their children, etc. I am not surprised..I believe I am finally begin to mourn what really was, as opposed to what I thought when I was a child - I'm the problem. Not them. It's me, me, me. With this latest demonstration, along with a the others for the past couple of years, I am (once again) resolved to do nothing but focus on my healing. I am also experiencing a ton of powerlessness. When will they ever see their part? Never? My brain - a part of the body designed to avoid experiencing pain - is searching for justice. My DH keeps reminding me, T as well has said, you severing ties with them and them having no relationship with their grand children IS justice. Well, it doesn't feel like I thought it would. It feels like they are still able to anesthetize in their fog and victim illusion.  In the end, it's really none of my business. The God of my understanding is big enough to handle them. So I guess I have the choice of focusing on them or God. Honestly, they have stolen so much peace with their psychological torture and ignorance and stupidity and egoism that I think I can focus on God gladly. Perhaps I am avoiding the mourning process. I pray when I give birth to my second child that the postpartum recovery (whatever that brings) is kind and gentle. Anyways, thank you dear group for your empathy, knowledge and recovery.

[Fiasco]

For whatever it's worth from a stranger, a stranger who experienced vicious PPD with her first, the second birth was no problem at all. Your life can only change completely that first time, the second you'll be already a mom and ready. Hugs

[Call Me Cordelia]

Mimzy, thank you for that. You articulated a lot of what I was feeling yesterday. It's so unfair that PDs cause all this chaos and pain and terror in this world and they see themselves as blameless and internalize nothing and never change. Dealing with the fallout is all up to me. I'm innocent in this and yet I'm the one still suffering for it. How is this justice?

Of course objectively speaking there have been consequences for them. And they obviously hate that. But that wasn't really the goal... dang don't I wish God would do just liiiiittle more smiting nowadays. Swords and jackals were on the table for the psalmist.  Really I just want to get to the point where I can just be safe and stay that way. Not have to have that feeling of anticipation of the next Pd attack, because as long as they are alive there will be a next attack.

I think you're right about it being a focus issue. It's this weird tension between needing to grieve to be able to genuinely let these things go vs stuffing it down again, and letting the grieving take over all the good stuff going on in our lives. Balancing all that, and babies, is really hard!!! Sometimes I wish I could pause my life, go to some kind of CPTSD rehab for six months like they used to do when people got TB, and come out mostly normal. But that's not my reality. Even the babies bring joy and pain. I'm expecting too, and dreading the birth/postpartum time because it was awful last time. Of course the PDs were a part of that and they aren't getting anywhere near this grandchild. 

All that to say, I absolutely feel where you are coming from. Thank you and I'm praying for you too. For peace, for joyful birth and postpartum time, that we feel God's protection as our loving and all-powerful Father.

[mimzy]

For whatever it's worth from a stranger, a stranger who experienced vicious PPD with her first, the second birth was no problem at all. Your life can only change completely that first time, the second you'll be already a mom and ready. Hugs

So true! Thank you for the reminder.

[mimzy]

Mimzy, thank you for that. You articulated a lot of what I was feeling yesterday. It's so unfair that PDs cause all this chaos and pain and terror in this world and they see themselves as blameless and internalize nothing and never change. Dealing with the fallout is all up to me. I'm innocent in this and yet I'm the one still suffering for it. How is this justice?

Of course objectively speaking there have been consequences for them. And they obviously hate that. But that wasn't really the goal... dang don't I wish God would do just liiiiittle more smiting nowadays. Swords and jackals were on the table for the psalmist.  Really I just want to get to the point where I can just be safe and stay that way. Not have to have that feeling of anticipation of the next Pd attack, because as long as they are alive there will be a next attack.

I think you're right about it being a focus issue. It's this weird tension between needing to grieve to be able to genuinely let these things go vs stuffing it down again, and letting the grieving take over all the good stuff going on in our lives. Balancing all that, and babies, is really hard!!! Sometimes I wish I could pause my life, go to some kind of CPTSD rehab for six months like they used to do when people got TB, and come out mostly normal. But that's not my reality. Even the babies bring joy and pain. I'm expecting too, and dreading the birth/postpartum time because it was awful last time. Of course the PDs were a part of that and they aren't getting anywhere near this grandchild. 

All that to say, I absolutely feel where you are coming from. Thank you and I'm praying for you too. For peace, for joyful birth and postpartum time, that we feel God's protection as our loving and all-powerful Father.

Thank you so much. I'm glad my post helped you. Yours really helped me as well. Congrats on the soon to be arrival of your little one. Yes, no way are they getting near my LO's as well. I never, ever felt good about it. This latest attack really put that nail in the coffin for me as well in terms of "Are they fit to see their GC?" Nope. I told my sponsor (I've sober from alcohol addiction for 12 years.) about their latest attack and she was positively aghast. Up until now, she didn't quite understand my need to go NC. This really spelled it out for her. At least their latest attack put their abuse in perspective for her. She kept saying, "I'm so sorry for you." And "That's so pathetic of them... so desperate." But, alas, that's them! They think they own their children and feed off of medaling in their lives to give them the illusion that *they* have a life. I wish my father would wake up out of the spell and divorce my mother but pigs will fly before that ever happens.