Close Neighbours to Cold War

[Sydney16]

When I first moved I became friends with a woman who I now suspect is a narcassist.

It became very whirlwind with her very fast. Several times she would start fights with me to the point where I thought we both agreed we needed to cool it with eachother and just be more friendly neighbours.

As I am still pretty new to the building compared to her and she knows alot more people than me is "popular" and runs a tenant group here, I tried to be casually friendly with her. But to no avail I always found myself getting sucked in by her again, one because I was still lonely and vulnerable and 2 I guess I feared what she would do if I wasnt.

Well finally I had enough. I have decided to go no contact. But it gets tricky because I bump into her often and usually when shes with her flying monkeys...as well as she often is very loud and monopolizes alot of the common areas.

I live in an all womens building for women who have experienced violence etc. Its subsidized so the rent is very low. So i cant outright move.

When I see her I try to keep a neautral expression but i get mini panic attacks everytime i see her and am still very hurt by the way she treated me.

She tried for awhile to be friendly but it came off as very forced and intrusive often catching me off guard as i was walking home and wpuld try to strike up conversations with me.

She also around a holiday she would slip a flyer to her tenant group events to just me under my apartment door  even though she has posted them literally everywhere in the building. Elevators, buliten boards and in the mailroom. I cant seem to escape her even when i dont see her as she regularly has her event flyers posted excessively everywhere! No joke.

One time i got so panicked when i was waiting for the elevator and she was on it i didnt get in and she started yelling at me.

I feel like i am the one being the nasty bad one here but honestly deep down i have to tell myself i think i am traumatized by her and how she treated me. Chewed me up and spit me out only to continue to do that when i tried several times to just be cordial with her.

God knows what she has told others about me. I opened up to her about alot of deep things and she used to tell me alot of gossip and talk badly about other tenants that live here who she puts on a guise of "helping" she especially talks badly about those who she feels are below her or more vulnerable.

Today she allowed me to go first through the door as I was the one going out and approached the door anyways as well as she had her very hyper dog with her. I guess maybe she expected me to say thank you? I dont know maybe i should have but instead i just looked away and walked through.


Well when i came back in a few minutes she was with this other woman (who had before been nice to me) but today as i was approaching i let the woman go in first and she kind of snarled at me and barked "Go Ahead!" I can only guess that she must of told that woman what had just happened possibly. But maybe i am just paranoid.

Another time as i was in the lobby i heard another neighbour i knew say to her "oh theres Sydney..."but once again I am 2nd guessing myself and thinking maybe i am paranoid and it was another Sydney or something.

Anyways dont know really what i want out of this i guess just advice. Should I smile and say hi as I walk by? Nod? Or just keep not looking at her and ignoring her? At this point she has basically stopped saying hi to me and i think smiling at me.(i wouldnt really know because i make it a point of not looking at her if i can help it and often dont have my glasses on.)

Its been 7 months since Ive gone no contact. But it is still very hard for me. We were very close and she opened up my world living here a bit i did alot of "favours" for her and i felt i was generally a very respectful and good friend and neighbour.

Of course i am glad it is over as we live in the same building and she obviously wasnt able to give me the space I needed and was very passive agressive with me while of she did something that bothered me i was very clear and direct but direct with her but she would always make it turn into this bigger fight than it needed to be.

I felt like I was walking on eggshells alot of the time as I saw her lash out and physically assault people and throw things in public places. I was scared she would turn that violence onto me as she sort of did once by sort of shoving me once.

She has a big dog who seemed to like me and is still ok towards me and tries to come towards me but the dog can get very agressive and unruly at times. I dont try to pet him or engage with him anymore as thats mixed signals. I know she uses it as protection and has falsely gotten fraudelent tags to say it is a service dog.

[clara]

It's a true shame what happened, Sydney, because clearly she hasn't learned from whatever trauma it was that caused her to come live in the building in the first place.  Instead, she's perpetuating what she experienced onto others.  She has little or no insight into her own issues, so is likely projecting them onto you and others.  She expects there to be "fights" between friends, so she instigates them.  The reason isn't the point--the fight is.  It's a self-fulfilling behavior.  If you respond negatively to her bad treatment of you, then you become the bad person.  You're the one who's the problem.  It's never her because she isn't able to address (or adequately address) what's really going on inside her.  And that's the catch--it's not you, but she wants it to be you and wants you to believe that, as well. 

I think your response was the best one.  NC and be done with it.  Just because she's your neighbor and once acted friendly towards you doesn't mean she has to be in your life.  There's no obligation on your part to continue dealing with her.  Put her behavior back on her, where it belongs.  If others can't see it, that's on them as well.  I would bet more than a few of them have been victims of her behavior, as well (because such behavior is never isolated and is never directed at just one person and then is done--it's a repeating cycle).  At this point in time, it might be okay to be casually friendly with her, but keep your boundaries strong.  If she tries to talk with you, gray rock her and give her nothing to manipulate.  Give her a blank wall to stare at.  You don't owe her any interactions beyond your choosing.  Take care of yourself first and foremost.  The relationship is no loss (despite how popular she wants to present herself) and soon you'll start moving on to healthier relationships. She won't.  She'll likely remain stuck in the same cycle until, or if, she achieves some personal insight.       

[Sydney16]

Thanks for your response.
Yea it is a shame, she seemed so put together and really willing at first to work things out and so was I. But than it became so muddled and her effort became less and less but what she wanted from me was more at times.
We werent on the same page but I dont even know what page she was on. 

I am still so hurt, I wish I could even be casually friendly with her but I can hardly handle being the same room as her never mind acknowlege her.

I hope one day she wont stir up so much fear panic anger and hurt whenever I see her. Its been 7 months youd think  id be over it the way she seems to be.

[Sydney16]

I really wish I could move sometimes. Ive dealt with other similar neighbours but they never had such a presence as she does and I actually was able to let go pf the hurt easier mostly and can be cordial with other women in thr building who I had developed a similar situation with. Where I can say Hi and do medium chill with.

[Sydney16]

I guess its the position of power she holds in the building and her overwhelming presence even when shes not around that bothers me so much.



I dont know, I feel like such a baby.

[clara]

You have a right to feel the way you do!  I don't know how many abusive people in my life (for a long time I was a doormat for them) tried to tell me I didn't have the right to feel bad because of their behavior.  That I should just "move on" and ignore everything that happened.  That I should "get over it."  All that does is keep the focus on me and keep them from examining their behavior as if the relationship wasn't a two-way encounter.  They get the right to behave badly but I had no right to react or be affected by it!  It's emotional manipulation and can be very successful if you're already a person who has a lot of self-doubt or low-self esteem (and they know it, which is why they target people with such issues). 

If you can't deal with her, then don't deal with her.  It might help if you'd find a counselor who has experience with those experiencing manipulative relationships and their fallout, because  not all counselors or therapists are the same.  Find one who's approach is helpful to you, one who's willing to go over various scenarios in which you encounter/see this woman and how you react.  Maybe someone who's experienced with PTSD, which might be something that's going on with  you.  If that's not possible, then ask yourself why this woman is so triggering for you and write down your feelings.  A lot of folks on this site suggest journaling as a successful way of finding your way through difficult situations like this.  One of the effects of writing it down is the sense of control you suddenly feel over the situation.  Putting it on paper or computer, whatever, makes it real.  It's no longer just in your head--it's down in black and white.  To me, it has the effect of removing you from the situation to where you can more clearly observe it and make sense of it. 

In truth, this woman only holds "power" because others are giving it to her.  Very few people are born with power--most have it handed to them.  Maybe others are willing to place her in this position, but you don't have to.  You have as much right to live where you do as she does.  I know understanding it still doesn't make it easier to deal with, because your emotions are still raw and being stroked every time you see or hear about her, but it's a step on the way out.   Hang in there, it'll get better!

[Sydney16]

Thanks for the thoughtful replies.

I think I will write what it is that effects me

Its just so hard for me still. I literally can hear her from my bedroom outside her dog barking loudly and her loudly chatting away talking or yelling at her dog outside. She just makes such a scene all the time. Its like I cant even escape her from my bedroom and apartment.

Will my emotional response to her ever go away? Or will i always feel panic attacks anger and hurt when i see or hear her?

[clara]

With me, it took a long time for the anxiety when seeing/thinking about a PD I'd had a close relationship with to go away.  Sometimes when I think of my uNPDexh, my heart starts to race a little, or when I see a narc former co-worker in my neighborhood (she has relatives here) it brings back all the destructive things she did or tried to do at work and I start to get angry all over again.  Feelings like that may never go completely away, so I think it's healthy to acknowledge them and try to understand them, which is what you're doing.  It's a start.  I think it's most important to get control of the feelings rather than allow them to control you.  So, giving it all time, instead of trying to fix things immediately, or wondering why I wasn't "getting over it", worked better for me.

[JenniferSmith]

My situation is not exactly the same as yours, but there are some common elements, so I do understand why you're having a hard time with this person.

In my case, there is a woman in my building who is very loud and talkative. Its an old, small building, and she can be heard anytime the windows are open (and sometimes even when they are closed because her voice is so loud!). No one else in this building behaves as she does. Everyone else keeps to themselves and is generally very quiet.  This woman, though, apparently has a very strong need to be interacting with others as much as possible. She is the only person who you will hear on a continual basis talking loudly to other people out on the patio, or in the hallways or pretty much wherever she goes.  So, like you, I often hear this woman even though I am just inside my own home.

In my case, we never formed a close friendship, but we did have a casual one for a while. I won't go into the details, but at some point I did something that I believe she felt offended by, and I noticed that she was not as friendly to me since that incident. I was a bit hurt, and I am truly puzzled how she could have been offended, but I've just decided to let it go.   When I see her I just put on a fake smile and say hi and keep on moving.

This woman in your building is just another human being on the planet. One of eight billion. Nothing special. Try to remind yourself of that. I know its hard, but you need to make a commitment in your mind to not let her get under your skin.  You have just as much right to be in the building as she does. It doesn't matter if she is more popular. 

If you feel very stressed passing by her in the hallway or wherever, you could experiment with different mental exercises - like pretend she is someone's aunt from another country, whom you've never met before. Or visualize her as being surrounded by a huge plastic bubble, and none of her negative energy can reach you.... those are just a couple of silly ideas, but sometimes you can use a tool like this to take the edge off, and make yourself laugh about it.

Maybe when you can, find opportunities to connect with other residents (if you so choose), and build your own connections to women who are open to you. 

In the end, its best if we can decide not to let other people's opinions of us affect how we feel about ourselves.

best wishes to you!

ps: one thing I have found that really helps, when I am feeling grouchy and my windows are open and the woman is outside blathering on and on, is to put in my headphones and listen to music or a podcast on my phone. It completely eliminates her voice and I can relax in peace!!   

[clara]

I recently went through something similar, Jennifer.  For years I've casually known a woman in a social group I belong to, and while I found her somewhat loud and kind of goofy, I liked her and liked her sense of humor.  So I decided to get to know her better and start hanging out with her socially. Well, that was a mistake.  Not only is she constantly loud (as a way to draw attention to herself) she's also mean and nasty under all of her niceness and humor.  She likes to say sarcastic things to you and about you but then claims she's just joking and didn't really mean it.  Another friend, who's known her for a long time, said she likes to hurt people's feelings.  Since she's prominent in this social group, we all have to accept her and in small doses, she's fine.  It's just now I have to find a way to keep my distance and deal with her barbs when I see her because I've let her know (by trying to befriend her) that I'm open to her abuse.  Well, I'm not but now I have to walk the line of not encouraging her while still being friendly but only within the group setting (she's not going anywhere).  It's a learning process!

[Sydney16]

I had a dream last night about meeting another person in my building who had a bad experience too with my ex friend neighbour. It was a cathartic dream in some ways. She told me about another place I could move to and live. Than I woke up.

In real life its been twice now that this particular neighbour invades me personal space when shes with other people or with her dog. She will walk slowly by me. It feels lime such a power move or perhaps entitlement. As she would do this when we were friends. Once i had met up with a counsellor and there she was doing tai chi with another group outside. Kept lookimg over and was really close to me. Its so unnerving as I am someone who tries to be very considerate of peoples personal space and privacy.

I know maybe I should tell her something but I freeze almost go into a panic attack and she always seems to do it with people around or her dog who i fear she might try to turn against me.

I  have seen her get violent before.

I guess also i am not very good at meduim chill etc because i still feel very hurt and angry by her and other things in my life. My face always betrays the straight face I try to give.

Its just so exhausting having to be the bigger person especially in the face with someone who has more tools privildge and power on her side and she is good at being so passive agressive and covert with it all. Like most narcs are 

I wish i could just move.

I am ao drained angry hurt and feel broken.

I wish i had allies in this like she does sort of with her flying monkeys...

Its so hard to stand my ground and take space away from this person. They make it difficult. Almost everyday I feel triggered by their precence and what they do.

Does it ever get better?